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Where are we going in this relationship?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 January 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 3 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I keep asking for advice relating to a relationship that started out as an affair at my workplace. It went on as an affair for around 6 months and once i left my abusive ex, we have been seeing each other for another 6 months odd. Its been strange because we have talked and discussed a lot of things like a future and stuff like that, having kids, moving out of London, and that type of thing. He is quite a secretive type of guy, doesnt do social media, and is very family orientated, he has a good relationship with his daughter and his ex (who he calls his daughters mum?) I know he isnt cheating or anything as we are together every night - almost as co habiting. And, obviously we work together too. It's just I havent met his daughter, his family or his friends and it irks me a bit, they know about me, as when he answers the phone and speaks to friends and his mum he'll say he's with his girl or with Tamara. I know obviously this relationship started as an affair which will always be a bit iffy, but I do genuinely like the guy. He isnt really the romantic, sentimental, boyfriendy type, hes a bit "roadman" if you know what I mean. Another thing that bothers me is he isnt forthcoming in saying his feelings towards me. OUr sex life is great, but he walways wants to try fetishy things - like in a park, outdoors that type of thing, I am not sure if he is just using me for some wild fun until he finds what he wants, but if that was the case why would it be going on for a year now. And, some of things he says or the way he looks at me I know he likes me. If i was in my 20's I wouldnt be that bothered but I am 32, and need to know if something is going somewhere as I have limited time to have a child and I dont think he sees that or wants that just yet. I am just a bit confused, we spend a lot of time together apart from when he has his kid on a saturday but we do spend a lot of time together but dont actually do much together - ie dating or going out. I dont know, I really am lost and am not sure whether to nag him more than I already have done - which he says why do we need to keep going over this or just end it or just see where it goes,

View related questions: affair, his ex, sex life, workplace

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018):

How a relationship begins is usually the foundation and blueprint it will be based upon. It started as a fling or affair. He likes the secrecy and understated approach to what you have. He won't define it; because he's still creating it according to his own plan and design. He's trying to avoid you from having any say about it. Just play along.

If you don't have a definitive label; you can't make any demands or raise any expectations. Thus you don't get to determine if it is what you want. Sex is available when and however he wants it. Period.

You need to have a calm adult-conversation to determine what kind of relationship you have, and what it is he is looking for? You've been playing it by ear! You know what you want, but you don't know where he's taking it.

He wants to do things he probably wouldn't do with a woman he wants to marry; so you have this undefined-relationship, and you've never met his daughter. You've allowed this to go on this way too long.

After he explains to you what kind of relationship he wants; decide if that is the same thing you want.

If not, don't settle or submit to anything you know wouldn't make you happy.

You'll only be happy if he defines it as a monogamous committed-relationship. You want to meet his family and be visible as his openly-acknowledged and committed-girlfriend. For the moment; you're his sex-playmate, or friend with benefits. Don't do things you don't enjoy or beneath your dignity. Ever!!! Selling-out your own values is desperate and self-destructive. In the end, you'll feel played!

Only a fool would settle for less than what he or she truly wants in and out of a relationship.

I think it's time to come out of the closet; after a whole year of being hidden like a dirty secret he's ashamed of.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2018):

Denizen agony auntRegarding the sex, he may believe that this is opportunity to do all the wild things he has heard about. He may even have read articles which tell him that women want to be surprised, dominated, and all the rest. That kind of thing wears off and he will revert to type.

As he has a child he may be cautious about bringing another into the world. Children are expensive, demanding and a problem if a relationship goes wrong. As trust builds between you he could come around on this.

Finally about going out and doing things. Just organise some things for the future - a few stepping stones through the year. He will be glad you did.

A good idea to cement your relationship would be to open a joint bank account.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018):

After a year I would have some expectations on what would be occurring. I do not find what your saying unacceptable .

Since he was single and you were the one attached I don't see how his family can hold a grudge. Though I think there maybe some issue of them having an opinion of you and the circumstances . However a year down the line and your still together says something ..

I think you need to sit him down and say look I know your not gushy guy but how do you feel about me.. there a huge difference in my opinion in liking someone.. I like my postman .. and loving someone and wanting to be with that person and part of their life and circle.

You both need to be on the same page .. after a year this isn't seeing where it's going .. it's a year.. you need to know ..where do you fit in his life and not just sitting in watching telly making tea doing laundry and having sex .. and no do not do open out door sex .. until.there is some sort of commitment .. he is at the minute getting all the benefits with no or hardly any input .. how lazy .

This is the time before babies come along you should be enjoying yourselves and getting out and about .. mixing socialing so when the baby does come along you have had that time together.

This weekend get your party clothes out .. say to him he's taking you out .. dancing or a drink whatever but your not sitting at home every weekend ..

Only you can make the changes with him and you don't sound happy and neither would I be ..

He uses the let's end it when you actually have the nerve to qs this situation.. so be prepared he may end this .. but ask yourself are you willing to be used .. as being honest I would feel like that under the circumstances ..

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