A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:This is more of an etiquette question but it involves my two biggest pet peeves: ppl who CONSTANTLY talk to me when I'm reading and ppl who come over uninvited and help themselves to my food/chew up my time. It doesn't matter where I am, I could be reading at a bus stop, a coffee shop, the library or on my lunch break. I thought my nose in a book would be sufficient body language for, "I'm not interested in conversation." I don't mind a quick, "sorry, do you know when Bus 22H comes?" But if I'm reading at lunch ppl ask me to get this or that or throw something away even though they're perfectly capable. I swear its just to interrupt. To me, its like this: imagine you're in the middle of a very interesting conversation only to have someone grab you by the sleeve and drag you away. You would find that rude, right? Its the SAME concept. I've even been admonished for it! I've said,"hello," and gone back to my reading only for ppl to say, "its only good manners to look at someone who's talking to you. You keep being real curt and rude and going back to your book." I'm sick of being in the wrong here but every time I try to be assertive it backfired. I guess this is too long to go on about the uninvited guests. Please help me to stand up for myself and be respected for once. Even strangers and relatives do it! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018): From what you say it sounds as if you are trying to find a way to negotiate and / or set the boundaries between social expectations and personal needs. This can also connect to the possibility that you are at a healthy stage of trying to understand how to inter-act (including the degree to which you want and need to inter-act and the extent to which you need to withdraw), as an Introvert, in a world that is geared towards Extroversion. Everyone has different degrees of Introversion and Extroversion and figuring out a balance can be tricky in a world that prizes Extrovert behaviour, despite many people being wired from birth as Introverts.One way forward would be to do a quick online search for articles and blogs about the following:Negotiating social situationsSetting personal boundariesIntroversionExtroversionIt may be that, because you are still trying to figure this out, you are becoming overly-defensive and using defensive attitudes and approaches as a psychological barrier to people. Reading your post, it would be very easy - and understandable - for other people to read this as rather aggressive. This may be why you have not had many responses to your post. This "aggression" tends to happen when actually gentle, well meaning people have not yet figured out how to assert themselves and set healthy boundaries in a world that can feel overwhelming.By reading in a public space / spaces where other people are not reading, it may be that you are trying to figure out how your inner world and needs (as indexed through reading) is and is not connected to others / the social world (as indexed by being in a public space. It sounds like you are caught between wanting to value this need for inner reflection and absorption (which is a healthy thing) but you also have a sense of wanting to be accepted and part of the social world (which is why you go out in the first place) and are, for the moment, confused about how to negotiate this relative to the (also fine) needs and expectations of others in the social world, which are different to yours. Their needs can include things like everyday chit-chat, which is an equally reasonable expectation in social / public situations. When people take your food without asking and/or speak to you whilst you are reading, these can be understood as forms of social 'play' - they are attempts to engage and interract with another human being who, for whatever reason, they want to interract with. They two responses to you - food taking and talking to you whilst reading - differ somewhat in that taking someone's food can - in some situations and depending on who is doing the taking - read as impolite and, in other situations and depending on who is doing the taking - read as cheeky, playfully provocative, even flirtatious, but ultimately designed to get a response of some sort from you. Talking to you whilst reading can be seen as similarly impolite or, on the other hand and less obviously, as an attempt to engage someone who seems interesting because...(wait for it)...they are reading a book (!) and because you are doing it publicly rather than privately. In some situations - libraries and reading rooms - no one would be likely to talk to you. In other public situations - cafes, parks, bus-stops and so on - people might be more inclined to think that you are reading ONLY to pass the time and because you have no one to talk to but you don't / won't actually mind talking because you are in a public space not devoted to reading.What's more interesting, though, is how you are responding to these actions. You are getting angry and frustrated by them, whereas someone else might be a little annoyed but then smile, laugh it off and make a joke or gently but firmly set a boundary "Ha ha, okay, you can have some of my fries but no more, I need to eat too!" or "I know it may seem a bit anti-social to read in a public place but this book is just so riveting that I have to finish it, I hope you don't mind".I don't think these kind of assertions will come easy to you until you have figured out more about your own personality type. From what you say, it seems like you may be an Introvert who still has some need for Extroversion - maybe something like a 70% introversion and 30% extroversion at the moment. The degree / ration can fluctuate over a life time and even a little from day to day. BUT the good news is that, since you like reading, there are many great books about Introversion. Do a quick online check of "10 best books about introversion" and you will get some great reading material. Whether you then read it in public or not is something to look forward to figuring out. Another possibility is to find a way to SHARE your love of reading with others by joining a reading group - that way, you have made a decision to inter-ract and to read but to engage with people on something that interests you all.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (4 January 2018):
The answer is, don't read in public places. You are hiding in a book. Go for a lunchtime walk if you want to be alone or sit in the library if you must read. it must appear as if you don't want to know your colleagues. Well, put your book down and give them your full attention. You can learn a lot from people.
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