A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey,This is more a question on advise on how to control my feelings.I'm not particularly close to my dads family, always been excluded from family events (I.e wasn't even invited to my Dads wedding or were my two sisters from his second marriage even told about me) invited to a couple of things over the years but always felt like an outsider. One aunt made a half hearted attempt to chat via facebook occasionally but still didn't invite me or my sister to a big family reunion last year. I recently got married, invited my dad but as he didn't ask anything about it I didn't chase him about it. I didn't invite any of his family because 1. I didn't want to upset my mum who doesn't get on with them 2. The cost 3. I didn't feel they that we were close enough to invite them.So why am I so upset that none of them congratulated me on my wedding and deleted me off of facebook. I've since blocked them. It's so petty and I can't understand why I'm so upset. I feel it's the injustice that we both me and my sister have been ignored for so long but when it's done to them (not out of malice) this is how they act! Very frustrated!
View related questions:
facebook, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (30 December 2017):
 Congrats on your nuptials. First things first your dad sounds like a pretty petty person.It's sucks that he sees the need to behave this way to his own children, daughters at that. Sure, he can experience hurt but not in this way. He's a man not a child.As for his side of the family they're probably being spoiled sports gossiping about you guys as much as they can. It seems nobody in your family is straightforward about their feelings.All you can do here is be the bigger woman. Just work on contacting them a bit more and try to build the relationship you want with them. I'd would respect them so much more if they confronted you directly asking why they weren't invited rather than deleting you on Facebook. What is this? High-school?Kill them with kindness but don't let them play you like a tool. If they insist on being children, then let them, just don't play their game. You see to care more, but they don't.All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017): First-off, your dad probably feels you (and your sister) sided with your mother during and after their divorce.
Regardless of the reason for a divorce; on the average, the mother gets custody. Giving her the advantage of influence over the way the children view their father. She is seen as more vulnerable and emotionally more fragile; and none of us can bear to see our mothers in tears and agony. That is, if we deeply love our moms!
You and your sister possibly showed your unwavering allegiance to your mother during the divorce-proceedings. Fathers don't forget. Fathers hurt too!
If you were teenagers or younger, your place is with your mother; unless she is proven unfit. Your dad is awarded limited or shared-custody based on the decision of the court. Cheater-dads, abusive-fathers, and detached sperm-donors don't deserve any special consideration from the court. Good-fathers deserve access to their children. In all cases; he should responsibly pay child-support and/or alimony on a consistent and timely basis.
If you turned your backs on him, in spite of his efforts to do the right thing; you left some scars. You may have broken his heart. No defense for him turning his back on you. You stood in the fallout of it all, as their children; you were innocent-bystanders. The whole situation is very fragile and very sad.
So dad went passive-aggressive/petty by showing less interest in you and your sister. He hit below the belt by behaving in a way he knows would hurt your feelings. Obviously, it worked. Take a deep-breath. See it for what it is.
It's cruel and underhanded. Considering how traumatic parental-divorces are on children, regardless of their ages.
Nobody likes to experience division or estrangement in their families; even dysfunctional-families are traumatized by family-rifts. The pain comes from not being able to get along no matter what. Although you're blood-related and share your DNA!
If you think about it, by your own admission, you claim to not to know your father's family that well. How much effort have you and your sister made to get to know them?
I'm sure you haven't gone out of your way. Nor have they!
If you don't issue wedding invitations to extended-family; there is bound to be some animosity, based on principle. Even if they probably wouldn't have attended anyway.
Young people don't really go out of their way these days to get to know older members of their families. Except where there's a major inheritance to be had. Well, older-people retaliate by showing total disinterest; or may purposely go out of their way to show they're unimpressed with your accomplishments. From anyway you look at it, it's mean-spirited and petty on all sides. They're the ones who get old and lonely; because no one wants to visit them! Bad move!
Your perception of mistreatment by your father may only stem from the fact he felt you and your sister turned against him when he and your mother divorced.
I think you'd be telling a different story; if you both had remained neutral. It's always best to allow your parents to deal with their marriage, and it's subsequent demise, just between the two of them. You could have also reconciled any differences or misunderstandings with your dad; just to get your relationship back in good-standing. It's still not too late to bury the hatchet.
Have any of you ever tried? You certainly go out of your way to show your negative feelings towards each other! Stubbornness seems to run in the family!
You're all harboring post-divorce resentment; and have yet to come to terms with it. Well, here's your opportunity to fix things. To get together, hash it out, and bury all the anger and resentment. Before it takes a tragedy to separate you, and that window of opportunity is closed for good.
I personally offer you congratulations and well-wishes on your marriage. Dad may be too old to change, but maybe you and your sister can slowly attempt to rebuild a bridge. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (29 December 2017):
 It seems to me that you have a rather selfish and hypocritical way of looking at your dad's family. While you expect THEM to invite YOU to events, and are hurt when they don't, YOU didn't invite THEM to what many would see as a very important event, i.e. your wedding, and then think it is "petty" of them to be upset.
While I understand WHY you didn't invite them, you cannot now be upset that THEY are upset at being excluded. You of all people should understand how it feels to be excluded.
And then, on top of all that, YOU feel upset that they haven't congratulated you! Priceless.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 December 2017):
 You ask, 'Why am I so upset'? Well, why are you? You know they don't care that much about you, or what happens in your life. You want it to be one way, but the reality is the opposite. If you can accept things as they are and get on with your life and people who do care about you, then perhaps this won't occupy your thoughts so much.
People have different attitudes to family. Sorry they don't want feel warmly towards you. It isn't worth your time.
If you want you can keep in touch but don't expect too much in return.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): Hi,First of all, congratulations! You already admitted that you're upset and you're determined to get over it - that's actually half the job done.Secondly, do you know the game "don't think of a blue elephant"? You can't help thinking of one if you keep repeatedly telling yourself not to. That's also true for feelings. Believe me, it's completely natural to feel upset in a situation like yours - any of us would. Try to accept your feelings. Talk about them to a few people you trust, write them into a diary. (I don't know your situation well - if there's hope to get things right between you and your dad, please try to. Write to him, explain him that you love him and that his and his family's attitude makes you feel horrible. If you've already tried to fix your relationship, then don't bother, though.)However, make sure you don't keep re-telling the story a thousand times in your head, because you'll just get mad over and over again that way. Try to distract yourself. Enjoy your new life with your spouse, make plans, listen to music, find hobbies. Time will do the rest.I hope everything turns out fine for you, and I wish you all the best!
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (29 December 2017):
Try and compose an imaginary letter to them where you explain to them you aren't inviting them to the wedding because it'll cost too much, your side of the family(mother) doesn't want them there and that you aren't that close to them. Now imagine receiving that letter. Would you send your congratulations? I know you didn't send the letter but all that could be deduced from your non invitation.It sounds like things are pretty strained already and yet you want them to behave towards you better than you are towards them. You say you haven't acted with malice yet you've blocked them on Facebook after being deleted. Pretty much the epitome of petty and also totally ruling out anyone reaching out to make amends. Good going!You sound like you are too proud to really repair any bonds between your families. If you want to you'll have to drop any resentments you have and start afresh. Reach out with hopes but without any expectations and explain that you're sorry things got so bad but you'd like to see more of them. Start with a couple of them. Your Father and your Aunt perhaps. Your half sisters, go from there. You may have to put aside your mother's resentments.If you are willing to do that then you might repair the damage that appears to be from what you've said at least 50% your fault. The question is, are you willing?
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 December 2017):
You’re upset because he’s your dad and these people are part of him. But don’t hold it against them they are just following the road map laid out by your father. Who by the way sounds a real piece of work.
I know it’s difficult but you need to concentrate on the family you have, your new husband and the life you are going to build together.
...............................
|
