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I thought my luck had changed! Now what?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 January 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2018)
A female Ireland age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi, I have just come out of relationship with a wonderful guy, i was never treated as good in my life before by any guy, he brought me everywhere, family functions and so on, he was always very affectionate towards me, forehead kisses which are very sweet and showed me a lot of love and made sure i was OK and was very attentive. He is a quiet shy person who had never had many relationships before me. His family were delighted he had found me including his mother. He is involved with a local sports club and is going to college as a mature student he also lives with his mother and she is elderly and he has to do a lot of things for her and then he had the relationship with me. he broke up with me because he said he found it hard to cope with being at college and studying and having me he says going forward he will only make me miserable and that im not happy and i am only saying i am. I feel like I cant trust any man anymore as I was always treated badly in the past, I thought my luck had changed and that he was what was for me in the future we would get married and i thought he loved me, now im doubting he ever even liked me and that his affection was all a lie and an act and that he no better than any other guy I met, hes telling me not to wait on him to finish college and to move on but he still wants to be friends and that i can still visit. I dont know if i could ever see him again even as a friend, I trusted him and he really hurt me, the worst bit is I work with his family in a business and its going to make it harder for me and I feel like handing in my notice. I dont want to give him up as i think hes one in a million nice guy and then I feel he hurt me.

View related questions: broke up, I work with, move on, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2018):

[EDIT]:

"Consistently breaking your back to earn trust; while they suck all the light out of your soul."

"Don't forget you're human, and you (nor I) are so perfect or delicate."

Relationships require maturity, and a lot of give and take.

It's not all reliant on what the guy does for you. It also matters what he's getting in return.

You mentioned how you've suffered from how other men have treated you. These men were your choices, and your taste in men.

Perhaps the damage from your past has left some scars that make it difficult for you to display your trust; or to move-on in transition to new relationships without flashbacks from old trauma. PTSD as it is known.

Relationships are not meant to cure your pain and sorrows; or erase the past. You learn from your mistakes, you grow stronger from pain, and you don't let failure defeat you. That's how grown-ups do it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2018):

I often can read between the lines and see where the true problem lies. Perhaps he has a lot on his plate. If you're still dragging baggage over other bad-relationships you had in the past; and it all manifested in insecure and distrusting behavior. He simply grew exhausted trying to prove himself to you; and got tired of reassuring you he's different. Okay, you've blamed him for breaking your heart.

I know there's always two-sides to a story. He doesn't get to tell his.

So take this down-time to just purge your mind of all the old lingering pain; and take your power back from those who stole it in your past.

People who can't trust, can't be trusted. They'll allow you to give them your heart; only for them to put you through hell dealing with their mess. Consistently breaking your back to earn trust; while the suck all the light out of your soul. It's most sad when they can't see it; or can, but won't fix it.

The past is the past. Don't forget you're human, and you're (nor I) are so perfect or delicate. As though men are all out to kill your joy. Takes a minimum of two to make a relationship. Maybe he bit-off more than he could chew.

Sometimes things workout, and sometimes they don't. That's life. Grow-up and get-over it.

Handing-in your notice for your job is utter nonsense. Kill the drama queen. You're better than that!

Stuff happens. Pull it together. Maybe it's not just men who hurt you; but you might also need a little work yourself. If you can never get it right in the dating department; it's not always the fault of others. If you're about to quit your job over a breakup, stop and think.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (15 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntJust because he broke up with you doesn't mean that you cannot trust men any more. Relationships do fail and for whatever reason he felt it wasn't working for him so he ended him. He done the right thing in fairness and you shouldn't say it has broken your trust. Breaking someone's trust is lying and going out cheating. Not finishing a relationship. It sounds like this man is busy in life at the moment and doesn't want a girlfriend. Being friends is probably not the best idea because you are upset and there is still feelings involved so take some time to get over the relationship and avoid all contact.

Don't hand in your notice, you are grieving the end off a relationship at the moment, don't add more stress by needing to look for a new job as well, remember his family haven't done anything wrong. It hurts being dumped but you need to accept it now and learn to deal with it and get over him.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (15 January 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony aunt

Sweetheart he's made his decision and you have to respect that. You might not want to give him up but he's decided that he doesn't want to be with you. Why, when, where, how...these things don't matter. What matters is that he has made the decision to end the relationship and you should respect that and let go with dignity. Whether or not he loved you is immaterial now. How does it matter? Accept that he probably didn't or why else would be change his mind? Or maybe he did any he realised along the way that it wouldn't work out. Either way, it's over.

His offer to remain friends is to soften the blow and also because he knows that you might not take the break-up very well.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2018):

Denizen agony auntOK, This is where you have to give yourself a talking to. You are hurt but you aren't dead. If he didn't think you were right for him. It is better to know now than later. You need to be grateful to him for letting you off now. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't lie to you. You just weren't quite right for him that's all. No-one has 100 per cent success. You give it a try with people and sometimes it works, sometimes it works for a while, and sometimes it belly flops.

Now you take some time for yourself. You treat yourself kindly. You reunite with friends. You do not quit your job. You aren't a quitter are you?

In time you will be ready to try again. Don't harden your heart because if you do you will never be able to let the right one in.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (15 January 2018):

judgedick agony auntwhen he broke up with you is this break up final and did he make it clear that he does not want you as a girlfriend, Did he brake up for to give you your freedom or to have his,

it is hard to work for them now but it is hard to get jobs now and with time it will make no difference to you so I would be professional at work keep your job but without knowing the ins and outs of why he really has broken up with you I can't help more, if you read this and can through more light on why he cut things off it might be from pressure from his family they might be old school and be against having him going out with someone working for them,

he would not be the first to have a girlfriend and doing higher ed you are not taking up all his time I would expect

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