A
female
age
30-35,
*harlieAnne
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over two years now. We have a house together and before we moved in, we had a great time. However when we moved in, he kept throwing parties and his friends would strip naked and jump into our bed, be sick on the floor and leave it. We had an argument about how disrespectful they were and he called me a number of nasty names and put his fist through the wall. It caused my first panic attack since 8 years previous. I didn't feel safe. Since then, he is out every weekend and is a very clumsy drunk. I was getting physically hurt every weekend but intentionally. We had been arguing about that and then Christmas day arrived and everything went more downhill and I don't know how to get through it. He turned up really drunk in the evening Xmas day at my parents home, kept using the see you next Tuesday word. Went to rip a card from my nan in half. My mum handed him presents and he said he was sick of presents. Said he wanted to knock the teeth out of a close family friend of ours who wasn't even there. My sister couldn't take anymore and had a go at him. My dad tried to speak to him about it to calm everything down and he sat there smirking at him. He was downright rude and disrespectful and don't think we will get passed this one. He has already gone to his mum saying my sister started on him when I was right there. I don't know what to do. We had a fight about how rude he was when we got home and he got in my face and said to me that he was warning me, he's losing his temper and I won't like it. To which, I told him to do his worst. I didn't want him thinking I was scared of him but I felt threatened. He's trying to act like nothing happened. He keeps telling me he's done nothing wrong and keeps trying to act like we are normal, even though I won't sleep in the same room as him.Any tips on how to get through this? Can the relationship be saved?
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christmas, drunk, moved in, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2018):
 What have your family got to say about all this? Really the only advice I can give you is to get rid off him and don't look back. If you let fear off being on your own rule out you ending this relationship then give it time and you will end up with no confidence and self esteem, he will be more abusive and you will be blaming yourself.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (31 December 2017):
You won’t sleep in the same room with him? Why are you in the same house with him? He a violent mean drunk. Leave now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017): He's the one being a total jackass! Why would you blame yourself? You're just a sweet young girl who loves this stupid guy; who decides to go psycho on her and her family.
It's him. All him!
Didn't I mention in my first post you'd block-out all his faults and you'd try to see him through the eyes of love?
Well, you now have to look at things through logic and common-sense!
Your love is misplaced. He's too full of venom and poison to care about your undeserved loved. He's on drugs and alcohol. If you didn't notice until now; it is only because you were so in-love and in denial you didn't want to see the guy for who and what he really is!
Nobody makes a such a drastic change from good to evil like that, my dear! Sorry, but you're talking to smart people here!
There is no saving the relationship. Abusive-men are chameleons. Angels one minute, and a pitchfork-caring fire-breathing red-eyed devil the next. He's only being nice until the next-time. He knows you should leave him after that performance at your parent's home. Were it my parents, he'd never set foot cross the doorstep again!
You're stuck in the mindset of saving the relationship. There is no saving it. The sooner you come to terms with the truth, the safer you AND your family will be.
You're not only subjecting your own safety to this beast; you're exposing your family to him as well. Your sister shouldn't have had to stand up to him. Before or after you! Nor should you have to either!
If you're afraid to be alone, that definitely means you need to be alone to learn how to take care of yourself! Not be dependent on men and relationships to make you feel safe. You are now falling into the behavior-pattern of abused-women. They can't see the danger or futility of remaining with a man who has shown a side of himself she cannot change!
Don't try to convince anyone here it's better to be with a man you're afraid of, than to give him up!
My greatest fear is you'll ignore all the advice and hold-on until something terrible happens. That's what women in abusive-relationships typically do. Wait until he has psychologically or physically beaten them to a pulp! Or someone who loves her tries to intervene on her behalf and gets seriously injured, or worse! It only gets worse! That's why I'm so passionate about this!
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (30 December 2017):
 Dont doubt yourself that is what he wants. I have no doubt that this is a seed he has planted in your head by something he has said and subtly he probably does it alot of the time. It is another mechanism of control, its mind control.
Of course he wasnt like this before you moved in together. I am sure he was acting and also until you spend that amount of time with someone in such close proximity you cant truly know them. We all have warts and all moments, moments when we are less than perfect human beings and when you move in you get to see them too. But this is on another level.
You have to be mentally strong now or else we will be here next year having the same conversation but you will be in a much worse place and this will change you in ways you dont want. Go, go now before it is too late and you are trapped because he has pushed all the people who would help you away.
Good luck. New year, new start!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 December 2017):
 Why are you questioning yourself?
Has he really affected your confidence that much that it's making you think it's your fault? This guy is a dick, plain and simple. Other people DO NOT dictate how you act as an individual. He chooses to act this way because it is in HIS nature.
You could do everything in the world for this Guy and he would do the same because HE chooses to do so.
Honestly, if you do not get out of this now then you're going to be in much more trouble when he's truly destroyed your confidence and got you wrapped around his finger.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017): You don't get through it. He's an arse. Leave him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017): The thing about abusive men is that whilst they are wooing you, they act their socks off! Women often swoon about how amazing he is, how he's so attentive, how no-one has ever treated them so well etc etc until they have got you. It is at a pivotal point in the relationship such as moving in together, getting married or getting pregnant, that the abusive party shows their true colours. So no we often have absolutely no idea what they are really like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017): Sweetheart, never challenge a man when he is threatening you in a rage. It's dangerous. You prove nothing to him, and you're inviting him to hit you. You don't deserve that no matter what you've said or done. These stories piss me off more than anything!
You don't get through stuff like this. You move-out and you contact a lawyer to find-out what your legal-rights are concerning the investment you made with that alcoholic psychopath.
Sorry, I just don't see some sudden transformation after you moved-in. You ignored all the red-flags and signs! This guy was always a total douche-bag! You forgive and forget; like far too many young women do when they think they're in-love. Going into it with the mindset love will change him, or you can handle it. Thinking he'll accept your flaws; if you can deal with his.
You may have to sacrifice your credit, if you were reckless enough to co-sign a mortgage-loan with a man who isn't even your husband. That's a foolish risk, even if he's your fiance. In addition to that, you now risk life and limb! To top it all off, you've got your family mixed-up in this quagmire of a relationship!
He's a certified nasty drunk; and I know without a doubt, there are other drugs involved as well!
MOVE OUT! Get a restraining order, and get into a counseling program for abused-women; because all evidence indicates you're sunk into this guy in every which-way. Blocking-out all the potential violence and rage in him. You'd stick it out, until you've got broken bones and missing teeth! One too many times, he's going to challenge your father, or one of the members of your family, in one of his drunken bouts! And that's all she wrote!!! He has already gone too far!
There is only one solution. Get a restraining-order and leave him. You shouldn't subject your family to your bad choice in men. I do not believe you didn't have a clue this guy was a complete assh*le! I think you naively thought your love would change him; and you tried to ignore all the red-flags, because you love him.
Now get out of there and keep him away from your loved-ones!
Call the police every-time he shows up once you get that restraining order!
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A
female
reader, CharlieAnne +, writes (30 December 2017):
CharlieAnne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone.Thankyou for your input. Right now he is staying on the sofa and I don't know how to get through this. He wasn't like this before we moved in together and I didn't know how out of control his friends could get. I didn't just stand there and let him be so disrespectful to my family, my sister beat me to kicking him out. The craziness doesn't just come out of the blue. It's very recently that I am hearing stories about him of violent acts. I thought I knew him after two years. Because I didn't see all this before, I have gone through every scenario, is this my fault? Have I made him this way? Am I that bad? Is it just teething problems of moving in together? Those questions to myself as well as being afraid of being alone are all reasons why I have asked for tips to save the relationship. He still isn't taking responsibility but is being over the top nice. This nice mood won't last, I know it won't. Unfortunately, I think the answers you all have given is what I already know.Thankyou, now I have to figure out my next steps. What a rubbish time of year for something like this to come to light. Happy new year to you all
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 December 2017):
 Just a couple of follow-up questions for you OP. Did you really have no idea how he and his friends behaved before you moved in together? Did all this craziness come out of the blue? How long did he have to keep this hidden before you decided you wanted to share a home with him?
Not that it matters really because you have a unanimous verdict on what to do, And you would be a fool to ignore it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017): This man is totally and utterly abusive. Believe me, nothing that he does is by accident. It also has absolutely nothing to do with anger.Abusive men have a variety of tactics that they use to get their desired outcome.One of which is called 'isolation'. This is where they make sure that your family and friends will not want to be around him ever again. Thereby ensuring your isolation from people who are in your corner and who will support you when things get rough. And PLEASE listen to me when I say that. Because they WILL get very rough. For you. Not for him.He has absolutely no respect for you and your wishes or needs. He knows that the wonderful time you both had to begin with will be enough for you to hang on in there, hoping that they will return and everything will be as it was. That will NOT happen. What you have NOW is the reality and what you had at the beginning was an act.I do know what I'm talking about. I've been through it with three men I am ashamed to say, but I was like you, believing that all would be well again once he understood what I had really meant to say, once we move etc etc. Nothing you do is ever right and what was alright with him yesterday isn't alright today. One day, one hour or one minute you get Mr. Nice then with no warning and for no reason you get Mr. Nasty.Does any of this sound familiar?Please understand that he is not angry and does not need anger management. He knows that what he's doing is wrong and he's doing it anyway. He's not angry, he's abusive. Big difference. I know that it's hard to believe that someone you think loves you is actually doing all this on purpose, but I'm sorry it's true.Please read a fantastic book on this subject. It's written by a man called Professor Lundy Bancroft and it's called 'Why Does He Do That' He is very knowledgeable about and experienced with abusive men. He is not just an author as has sadly been suggested on this site, but a psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men for fifteen years and gained so much insight into their behaviour that his work is very valuable to people like you and me. Sadly my experiences with abusive men have left me very different from the person I was, because I no longer trust and my health has been ruined from the stress.Please read the book so you can truly understand exactly what you're up against with this man and please do it quickly.A neighbour of my sisters who is in an abusive relationship told my sister that at Christmas when her parents were over, he decided that the boiler needed taking apart. He made a lot of noise and there was no hot water and no heating. As soon as they left he put it back together.He got the result he wanted because her parents said they still wanted to see her, but that they wouldn't be coming again. He had succeeded in letting them know that they were not welcome and it is step one towards isolating her.Your partner sounds even worse in that he doesn't care if he is blatantly rude to their faces. I have an extremely bad feeling about him and I don't want to scare you, but read the book without him knowing (very important), because I believe you will recognize all kinds of your partner's behaviour in those pages and it will help you to believe what I am saying which I appreciate must be a shock.The book will also help you in how to leave him safely. This can certainly be a problem.My last abusive ex who I left four years ago was stalking me before Christmas and I was just about to go to the police when he stopped.Be careful and get out as soon as you can. You are with amonster.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 December 2017):
 Can it be saved?
No.
Should it be saved?
No.
WHY have you not kicked him out yet?
My advice is for you to contact Citizen's advice and find a way to sell/split the house and get RID of him.
HOW on EARTH did you just sit there and watch him disrespect your family on Christmas? HOW? How did you not ask him to leave?
What are you thinking?
That you someone how can wave a magic wand over his head and he will stop being a total ASSHAT?
There is NO fixing this. The LONGER you stay, the BIGGER the chance of him SERIOUSLY harming you or even kill you.
Don't claim that you LOVE him and HAS to stay... THIS is not love. This is not a healthy relationship. THIS is who he is. A TOTAL PRICK. He was probably like this BEFORE you moved in together, he just knew to hide it better so you wouldn't DUMP him then. However, that means nothing now. YOU need to END this. It's toxic and sick.
YOU need to get away from him.
Can you imagine raising children with this guy? Who do you think he will target for his anger then?
STOP and think, OP
My guess is you are in turmoil because you somehow think maybe this is partly my fault or I made him mad... BUT it's NOT you doing these things, it's HIM. Because THIS is how he reacts to the World, you and your family.
YOU can not fix this. He might never change. Because HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
I say, take ALL your important documents and keepsakes and go stay with your parents. Then after the New Year you do 3 things;
1. TALK to a solicitor (or Citizen's Advice) and sort out WHAT you need to do to sell/buy him out. Personally, I wouldn't want to live in that house. I wouldn't want HIM to know where you are living after the break up. Changing all your passwords and removing him from any shared bills/bank accounts is also vital.
2. TALK to a domestic violence counselor. YOU need help understanding and accepting what's going on and how to get away from it.
3. END it with him. He is a ticking time bomb. When you STAY with him you are ENFORCING his attitude that he can DO (to you) whatever he wants. After all you are still there after all he has done. YOU DO need to get away and do it ASAP.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (30 December 2017):
 I would like to ask YOU a couple of questions first:
- What are you getting out of this relationship?
- Why would you even WANT to save it?
This guy doesn't even have the balls to admit he screwed up. He is in complete denial about doing ANYTHING wrong, despite having acted like a jerk towards you and your family.
What are you waiting for? The fist to come through your head? Get out of this relationship while you are still in one piece. Surely you must realize you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 December 2017):
Wow, just wow.
What exactly are you trying to save here??? How about saving your LIFE and getting away from this man before you still can.
There is NOTHING you should be trying to do to get this relationship back on track, it should of ended at the first sign of abuse. I'd say I'm 99.9% sure that your parents are extremely worried for your safety after what they witnessed with their own eyes.
Leave this man immediately.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017): Babe you need to get shot of this idiot sharpish. He’s being really disrespectful to you and what’s worse is that he knows it. You deserve better and you will not get it why you stick with this guy.Tell anrelative you trust what’s happening, pack some bags and make a safe and swift exit. Leave and do not look back - even if you think you love him.It is only going to get worse. This is a relationship that cannot be saved. It will just drag you down. It will be hard to walk away and there will be a tough road ahead but I think it would be a very wise move.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 December 2017):
 Nope, time to leave. This is a shitty person, you don't want to be with this type of man, trust me. Get out of there while you can.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 December 2017):
Whoa! Run for the hills. This guy needs serious anger management. If he can't recognise he has a problem then it may never be fixed.
Go home to mum and stay there until he seeks professional help. If he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong how can it ever get better?
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male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (30 December 2017):
I will answer your second question first. Sadly, the answer is no, unless he takes responsibility for his actions and recognises he has the problem he wont change because he doesnt see the need too in the first place. Even if he did I would recommend some time aside from living in the same space for your own safety. However, nothing you have said indicates he recognises he has a problem so the answer has to be no. It seems like your parents are aware of the situation. I seriously recommend you move in with them for the moment and issue an ultimatum to the guy, unless he sees a problem and gets help then this has to be over from your point of view. This is especially the case as it is nearly New Years and another excuse for him to get drunk. You have to do this for him and yourself because if you dont you are in danger and he will never change and eventually he will end up doing something that lands him in serious trouble. Good luck.
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