A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been broken up with my ex for 1.5 years now. While we are mostly "off" there have been a few instances where we talk, get caught up on our lives and sometimes hook up. We both know it's not going to work out but he'll say things like he's going to regret it one day when I'm with someone else. I've dated other people and still always wind up missing him. He wasn't good to me- he lied often and put me last place almost always. I don't know why I'm still hung up on someone like that in the first place.The main reason I'm posting is because very recently, an old friend reentered my life and told me his strong feelings for me. He recently joined the military and said the whole time he was in basic training, he thought about his relationships and realized how much I mattered to him. I was really taken aback but the feelings are mutual and I always really liked him during our friendship, as did he, but neither of us had the nerve to make a move. Upon learning this in one of our purely platonic discussions, my ex flipped a switch and started coming on strong. He flirts with me and sends suggestive pictures and wants to visit me. The new guy is the kind of person who would give me the world. He's incredible, smart, funny and we get along perfectly. My ex doesn't hold a candle to him but yet I am tempted by him!! I'm really confused with how I can possibly give him so much as a thought while the man of my dreams feels the same about me.Has anyone experienced this before? There's absolutely no logical thought process here as I know how my ex treats me. I'm really surprised by my behavior and the temptation to ruin what could be the best relationship of my life.
View related questions:
flirt, military, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2018): It may well be because of a psychological phenomenon called the 'Stockolme Syndrome'. This is where we form strong bonds with people who abuse us.
It's interesting and explains a lot so I would suggest that you Google it and maybe understand why you feel like you do.
Good luck with getting rid of him though.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 January 2018):
 Block your ex, it's really that simple.
Why would you even be thinking about going back? He doesn't give a flying fuck about you. If he wanted things to work you wouldn't be an ex. He only decides he's interested when someone else is in the picture which very clearly shows he's taking the piss and has no other interest in you besides you stroking his ego knowing he has you hooked.
Why complain how bad your ex was if you're thinking about going back? He can't truly be that awful if he still has your attention.
Use your brain, grow a backbone, block and delete your ex and move forward with your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 January 2018):
 I agree with Aunt honesty too,
TAKE the trash out, OP!
You KNOW that the ex-bf is a WASTE of your time, you know he plays games with you and you know you CAN do better. This "new" man is clearly a better choice. Or at least, he has potential.
So CUT the contact with the ex-BF, if you WANT any chance with this "new" guy. Otherwise you are going to sabotage ANY chance you have, because of this ex-BF.
You ask why you are tempted? Because the ex-BF is familiar, you KNOW what you get with him. HE knows how to flatter you, how to push the "RIGHT" buttons, he knows how to rope you in.
YOU have chosen to keep him around because for 1 1/2 years you got something OUT of it. Now what you wanted, but something. Be it attention, affection (even if it wasn't sincere) occasional hook ups. BUT all you are doing by keeping in contact is holding on to something that doesn't work, which has held you back from exploring things that MIGHT work out.
So, you also partly keep him around because that means you DO NOT have to work on moving on and trying a relationship again. I think... because you think this guy has already hurt me, I'm USED to that. I don't want to risk a new person doing that to me.
Stop wasting time on men who aren't a good fit for you. The SOONER you decide THIS guy is not for me, the SOONER you should put them back in the pond and CUT all contact.
He is NOT your friend. You DO NOT owe him contact or "friendship" or to be on beck and call for whenever he feels lonely, bored or horny.
Would YOU attempt to figure out if there IS something that can potentially be a great relationship - IF the other person keeps an EX-partner in the wings? Who has spend 1 1/2 years doing some kind of lame FWB? And who is STILL in contact and being flirted with by said ex-partner? WOULD you?
Think about it.
Do a detox of your life. Tell the ex-BF that you wish him well but you are DONE wasting your time and that you no longer wish contact. (in your own words of course) And then you BLOCK him, UNFRIEND him, DELETE him ETC.
TAKE out the trash.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (17 January 2018):
 Aunt honesty is right. You must cut the ties with this man. If you don't you are just a convenience - sex without meaning; sex without commitment; sex without context.
Get a friend to write MUG on your forehead with a magic marker. Then look at yourself in the mirror. That's you. But you are better than that aren't you?
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2018):
 You are a creature off habit, you know that the ex doesn't treat you well, yet you still like the attention that he gives you and well you where with him in the past so he is almost like a comfort blanket.
You don't need me to tell you that if you keep your ex around then you will loose out on an opportunity to be with someone who likes you, your ex doesn't want to commit to you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either.
You need to get rid off the ex and I mean totally. No friendship, no meeting up, no talking, no social media. It is the only way you can give yourself the chance to move on with someone else. You need to block and delete all contact details and ask him not to contact you again.
...............................
|
