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His email to his brother hurts more than his affair

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Family, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2018) 15 Answers - (Newest, 25 January 2018)
A female Cyprus age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years in January, he cheated on me with someone I knew in October. In our bed When I was away for 2 days. When I came back he acted like nothing had happened but I knew in my heart and then my friends told me. He kepted denying it until I twisted it and made him slip up.

We broke up for a week. As heart broken I was I still loved him

Got back together, yes trust was lost so I wanted to look through his phone. Found the most hurtful text to his brother. Insisting that he wanted me to come home to find them two in bed. Which he knows it’s already happened before. (I’m terribly unlucky). And that he’s still going to see her.

Why does that hurt me more than the affair? Is he just comfortable with our life? How can someone that wants to hurt me so much then3 months back together now pretend it never happened.

I’m struggling with not the affair but how is it possible I could never do something like that could you?

He says he loves me, but why say those things and not walk away or he does realise that was a mistake and big-Ing it up to his brother and he does love me. Male thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading

View related questions: affair, broke up, cheated on me, text

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A male reader, HaniP New Zealand +, writes (25 January 2018):

Walk away with your head held high. Staying with him will only lead to him walking all over you. He's already shown his absence of regret and intention to continue. Move on. You owe yourself that much. Good luck.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (11 January 2018):

chigirl agony auntHe doesnt love you. When you love someone, you dont treat them like crap.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

There is a terrible old saying. “If you hit your woman and she comes back you can do what you want with her.” Your partner has slapped you multiple times and you keep coming back for more. Why should he leave?

If he breaks up with his affair partner or she with him he can always come home to you. You’ll be there cooking, cleaning and available for sex.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

TylerSage agony aunt"I love you..."

There...I said it....

Actions speak louder than words. You know this.

Does this sound like a man who cares about you?

Men DO NOT chase after women who put up with their crap. And it's very clear that you're rolling in it. He has you wrapped around his finger and doesn't have a drop of respect for you. Why? Because you aren't standing up for yourself so he treats you exactly how you treat yourself.

I know a guy who LITERALLY cheated on his girlfriend virtually every other day and tell her with a grin before sunset before. And each and every single time she kept forgiving him. He would always reveal to me how in awe he was that she'd just put up with it. YES, he was shocked himself. Eventually he got bored of her and dumped her.

History and length means very little, you can know someone for 3 days who displays more compassion and interest than this guy.

Love yourself, so others can love you back.

All the best.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

mystiquek agony auntOP, in situations like this I always ask the poster to think what would they do if the situation being played out involved their sister/friend/mother. What would you tell them? I highly doubt if you tell them to stay in that kind of a relationship, right? So why would you even consider staying? He's hurt you in the past, he's hurt you now, and if you stay he will continue to do so. Why? I think its because you are holding onto the "I love him" thoughts and being a doormat. He knows that the can hurt you and you will forgive him and he can repeat this pattern.

My advice to you is BREAK THE CYCLE. Cry, scream, throw things and get it through your head that he isn't treating you right and that you deserve better. Want more for yourself. Sweetie you are young and maybe you think love can cure everything. It can't. The man is cruel, uncaring and quite frankly is only thinking of himself. How many years are you going to waste on him? Want more for yourself honey. PLEASE. End the relationship, go get yourself checked out and always remember that love shouldn't hurt.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIs this really the man you see yourself grow old with? Someone who shows so little respect for you, and the marriage?

As for why he is pretending it never happened, well it's MUCH easier than taking RESPONSIBILITY for his actions.

The LONGER you stay with this man, the more pain you are in for. Right now, because you didn't drop him you give him all the power to do what he wants, because he thinks you won't leave.

He is living in some PORN fantasy where he wants YOU to catch him with whomever he was screwing, thinking OH thing will go just like the porn and my wife will join in or whatever...

Honey, WANT more for yourself and from your partner. He just isn't a good husband at all. Because? He just doesn't CARE.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

You've got incriminating-evidence; but I'm not sure why you need to know what's going on in his head? Aren't his actions and the text to his brother enough damage?

No matter how much we try to explain it or attempt to advise you; you are going to listen to your feelings. You've thrown-up your force-field and deflective-shields when you say:

"As heart broken I was I still loved him" ...and "He says he loves me,"

There is nothing anyone can say, male or female, that will make sense of this. We can't penetrate those barriers, and you know it!

If you decide to stay feeling as you do; you will continuously be looking through his phone, playing cat and mouse; and you will feel like sh*t every-time you look at him. What can I say?!! What can anyone say???

Your man is a cheating son-of-a-bitch! You love him and you aren't going anywhere. We aren't all like your cheating no-good boyfriend. Emotionally, you're held hostage by being told he loves you. You've got this notion of unshakeable love no matter what. You're being dragged on a rope behind a pickup-truck; and you're still hanging-on to the rope! The pain stops when you let go!

You're in a state of shock, confusion, heartbroken, and you're furious! You're too consumed and overwhelmed with emotion to think straight. Let alone make any sensible decisions. The problem is your female-competitiveness will compel you to keep him; if only to keep him away from the other woman. Whom he continues to see, and make you look like a fool.

We don't have to tell you what to do. We don't need to explain his actions. You'll reach a decision on your own; when you've had enough of it.

My spider-senses tell me you're approaching the final-straw. Thinking you can monitor his phone and intercept his communications with her? Useless! An exercise of futility!

Unless you're with him 24/7, that's impossible. The phone has a delete-button, and a silencer. You going to watch him sitting on the toilet? Follow him to work? Stowaway in his car? These are meant hypothetically! They're rhetorical questions, not suggestions!!! That's totally nuts!

When somebody you love cheats on you repeatedly, and shows no remorse for it. You've got to tap into that inner-strength and "self-love" to protect yourself. Holding-on will slowly destroy you emotionally, mentally, and physically. You'll be damaged-goods when he's finally done.

You can't judge "all men" by "your man." All you know about men; is what you've learned about the men you've been with.

So you dump the bad-ones, and keep searching for a good-one. Meanwhile; work on yourself; so you can give-back everything good that he gives you. That won't happen when you cling to the bad-ones too long. They'll stain, tarnish, and bruise you! Make you a hot mess!

You can't lump us all together with some sexist-notion we men all think alike; therefore, we understand why some assh*les insist on betraying the women who love them.

Anyone can make mistakes, yourself included. If they show no guilt or remorse for it, and make absolutely no effort to redeem themselves? Trying to hang-on to them, in spite of this, is nothing short of foolishness.

Sorry, my dear! You've got to kick him to the curb, and take care of YOU!

It will hurt! Detaching your feelings from him will feel like someone tore your heart-out. Just like it feels now, maybe even worse. The difference is, you'll start to feel yourself coming back. You'll see him for what he really is. You'll start to realize you deserve better than all this bullsh*t! You will allow your survival-instincts to kick-in.

Love yourself, and stash some for later. Loving him is a waste of it.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntGo to the STD clinic too

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntNo matter how much you love him HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. What's he going to do next? Turn to physical abuse? Rape you? Maybe not actually because the MENTAL emotional abuse hurts you enough for him to get his rocks off.

What more does he need to do to you for you to leave him?? YOU are enabling his behavior by sticking around. One-sided love is never enough to maintain a relationship.. this guy has 0 respect for you. I bet he's still having unprotected sex with you right? Doesn't give a shit that he may be exposing you to STDS.. and guess what this woman? She's only the one you KNOW about.. like he isn't doing it with others.. he doesn't see you as a person or a woman, just a plaything to use and abuse.

He will ruin you if you stick around. You are ALLOWING HIM to treat you like this. Get out!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2018):

Male opinon here: most of us aren't like him. Yes, people make mistakes, yes relationships aren't always perfect and yes, some relationships are terrible. Yours is heading to being the third kind. Leave him while you still have a shred of dignity in you.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2018):

N91 agony auntSorry but why exactly are you trying to work out what's going on in his mind? He has cheated on you more than once if I'm reading your post correctly? What are you hoping to salvage? This man has no respect for you and you're enabling his behaviour by letting it go without punishment.

Do you seriously think he loves you? Sounds to me like he couldn't give two craps. I understand it's a stressful situation and your head and heart is all over the place but there is no future with this man. Grow a backbone and kick him into the gutter where he belongs.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntYikes, there's some really pathological misogyny at play here. He WANTS to hurt and betray you and get off on your pain?? That is BEYOND messed up and is a major RED FLAG you cannot afford to ignore any longer!

He doesn't know what love is! If he thinks that love is rushing off to have sex with another woman the second you take a vacation, and then lie to it and brag to his brother about having you catch him red-handed, and then gaslighting you into pretending it didn't happen, that is NOT love!

You HAVE to leave him. There is no trust, and there is something wrong with this guy, as in a form of malevolent mental sociopath issues. He did that for power in your relationship, to keep you upset and off-balance. That's outrageous, and if you haven't left him, then you are a masochist.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2018):

Denizen agony auntI think he has to accept the consequences of his act and that is that he has lost you. It will never be all right now. Make plans for your departure and put them into action. Sorry but it's over, as you probably realise.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2018):

Big big red flag...once a cheater always a cheater.He only loves himself not you.Find someone new you do not have to deal with this crap.The hurt will always hurt as long as you are with him.Run away as fast as you can.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (10 January 2018):

holeymoley agony auntSweetie, this ain't love and your right, the affair is one thing but wanting to hurt you so deeply by him wishing you catching him in the act is the lowest of the low. Ive been cheated on, a few times, and its never been the sex that cuts so deep, I get it its just an act and not always connected to love, its the lies and ongoing deception to think someone is so stupid enough not to find out. He has said he is not going to stop, so what makes you think he will? His moral compass is broke. Please stop wasting your love on this pig of a man and start loving yourself to know you deserve better.

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