A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am underemployed, I am very up front with guys that I am not earning much. I even offer to alternate paying/split early on. However men I date are very funny about my financial situation. An example is a guy who I dated recently who boasted to me about how generous he was however when we went out on dates he was happy to start alternating payment early on. My question is why boasting about spending if you don't spend on the person you are dating. Another guy who I dated came up with this story on the first date about this women who let him pay for the first date and didn't offer to pay for the second date. I was going to offer to pay for the next date anyway. So time comes for the second date and I pay, its more expensive than the first date and I end up paying despite the fact that this guy is earning over two times more than I earn (and about twice the national average). I turned him down for other dates as I wasn't that into him, I agreed to a date in the first place as he seemed like my type. A few weeks later he texts me images of the expensive date he took his new interest on. He tells me he has decided he doesn't mind spending money. He spent £50 on her. Now I am quite happy to alternate right from the start with the guy maybe paying a little bit more if he earns more (if he wants to do something expensive that is out of my price range for example). However my question is why does this happen to me. Is it because I am not earning much and men online immediately assume that I am on there to seek out a man who will support me? Is it because they can tell that I am not sure about them and that the other people are more affectionate to them? I don't think its my appearance people tell me I look cute. Don't get me wrong I don't want a guy to spend money on me if I am not interested, I just wondered why men are so tight around me but freer around everyone else.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (27 December 2017):
If you have the right guy, it won't be an issue. No guy will give up a woman he really likes, just because she is low on cash. At least in my circle, most guys don't expect a woman to pay for the first few dates. They just don't want a woman who wants to borrow money or shows a trend of financial irresponsibility.
I suggest you don't bring up money. On the first date, don't go anywhere expensive or that you can't afford yourself. Even better is a walk in the park or something that costs nothing. This is in case they end up having no money themselves and leave it to you to pay. Usually guys who talk about how much money they spend on a date are the same guys who have nothing. Guys with money know better than to flaunt it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 December 2017):
 I'm with N91
Don't go on and on and on and on..... about how little you make and how little you can afford. Seriously. It's OK to mention to a new guy that you would like to pay your own way, but that you prefer for now to not do extravagant dates.
You you say one thing but you don't mean it. It shines through. You want the guy to pay. Nothing wrong per se in that attitude. But when you combine it with having to listen to you complain of how little you can afford it doesn't really bring out the "gentleman who will pay for stuff" in many men. That generation is over.
Find a common interest. Going to a museum/gallery and having a cup of coffee is not expensive. Find free events or cheaper concerts/theater tickets. Etc. Picnic in the park.(weather admit) IF you plan every OTHER date, YOU can be in charge of how expensive or cheap it will be.
If a guy asks you out to dinner - Order and eat what you can afford to pay. Simple. Then pay YOUR part of the meal (not half if you don't eat half the cost).
If I went on a date and he talked about his income a lot - how little (or how much) it would be a HUGE turn off for me. I want to get to know the person, not how much they earn. Sorry, you "sell" yourself as a "damsel in distress, I have no money"... and most men will back away.
I would (if I were you) mention that you will pay for your portion and that you'd like to take turns planning for the dates. Don't make the DATES about money. It shouldn't BE about money. YOU are the one making it about money and income.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 December 2017):
 To be honest it can be a bit of a bore if you are harping on about money. It isn't a concern when you really like someone. If your date has half an ounce of sense he will understand what you can and cannot afford.
I am aware of situations too in which roles have been reversed in time. The previous high earner gets the sack and the other enjoys a period of success. Swings and roundabouts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2017): I believe and think it is a common rule that if you are a guy and you invite a lady out then you should be prepared to bear all the expences for the outing whether it is a first date or a tenth date. When a guy takes you out and he starts talking about splitting or alternate payment or going dutch then he should not consider you as a date but rather as a friend and in that case you should be free to refuse and further dates with him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (26 December 2017):
 Sounds like you have very set views on who should pay for what. Also that you are more focused on what you can't afford than on enjoying your dates.
Perhaps it would help you to bear in mind that, just as you have to work for YOUR money, your date has also had to work for HIS money, regardless of how much you get paid. Just as it is YOUR prerogative to decide what you spend your money on, it is equally THEIR prerogative to do the same. They do not HAVE to spend ANY money on you if they so wish. They are not on the market to buy your affection.
That said, I can totally understand why someone who seems stingy and penny pinching will be a turn off to many (male and female alike). This could be an early indication of how they are with money in general. However, it could equally just be someone being "careful" and not wanting to be taken for a ride where money is concerned.
I think MissKin's advice is spot on. If you are paying, tailor your dates to suit your pocket. There are many affordable activities you can do which are just as much fun (sometimes more!) than sitting in expensive eateries. Go bowling. Go ice skating. Go to your nearest big park and take a walk, stopping for a cream tea on the way. The possibilities are endless.
Lastly, stop comparing what YOU got with what someone else got. If you view how much your dates spent on you as a competition, you will ALWAYS be disappointed.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 December 2017):
 I have to agree with misskin I'm getting the same impression.
You say you're happy to pay but sound like you're shocked that the guy isn't paying because they earn more money. So what if they own more money, you have offered to pay for that particular date so why would they do it instead? I think of lot of people these days realise it's not a mans job to pay for everything, of course it's nice to be treated to something every now and again but if you pay for everything early on then some people will see it as a precedent and become comfortable expecting them to always be payed for.
I think you're way too focused on the financial aspect. If someone wants to spend time with you they will do it whether it costs £5 or £50. What's wrong with going for a coffee or a walk? Having a chat and getting to know each other. Dates don't have to cost any money at all. People fall into financial hardships sometimes it's part of life, if you can't afford something then say, if they want to look down on you because of it then they're a dick anyways, but don't act surprised when someone doesn't pay for something when you've offered too.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (26 December 2017):
 It sounds to me, despite what you say, that you do WANT and EXPECT the guys to pay, even if you offer. If you can't afford to pay - do cheaper things. It shouldn't matter at the start who earns more as you just do things within your price range.
Starting off dating by saying how much you can't afford would make me feel like you expect me to pay for everything, which would make me immediately a bit more stringent about being willing to pay.
When it is YOUR turn to pay, explain that you can't afford X,Y or Z and do something you can afford (the cinema and take away rather than an expensive meal out etc. If they invite you somewhere you know you can't afford to pay half of (if that's what they expect) then say so and agree to go somewhere else.
Money shouldn't be an issue as soon as you start dating someone.
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