A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I was recently at a meeting with a nurse regarding my children as they are being assessed for autism. Present in the room were myself, the nurse and my husband.The nurse asked about our family backgrounds so without going to a great amount of detail I explained that my parents had been physically and emotionally abusive and that I wasn't in contact with them anymore. Then my husband said that my mum is (was?) a Registered Mental Nurse (RMN). The nurse we were talking to was desperate for me to tell her my mum's name with a view to getting her investigated and potentially struck off. I didn't want to because it's dragging up old memories, I have no way of proving anything and also she is most likely retired now as she is 70.I'm struggling now with feeling guilty. I know what she's like, how controlling and manipulative she can be. I also know that she worked in a care home for the elderly. Why did it never occur to me to report her? Has she abused anyone in her care? (They would be unable to report it due to mental health and dementia issues) Am I to blame for not doing something about her? All I wanted to do was escape, forget about her as much as possible and also keep her away from my children.On one hand I don't feel any loyalty or need to protect my mum, but I also suffer PTSD and don't want to bring up the memories as that will make me angry and reactive which will affect my husband and children. What would you do in my situationI could really use some input so that I can make a decision
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 April 2022):
 My suggestion is to leave it alone.Manipulators and abusers don't treat everyone this way. They are often quite charming with those outside their inner sphere, which is why victims have such a difficult time being believed.What your mother did to you, she did behind closed doors. At the care home, there are too many people, colleagues, support workers, volunteers, not to mention patients' family members, for her to try to control. In all likelihood, your mother came across to others as very caring, patient, comforting, and helpful.So, you are not likely to accomplish anything by reporting her now, but to open up a pandora's box of pain for you. I can tell you this based on my own personal experience with my mother. She earned accolades from many over the years volunteering in parent support groups, advocating radically different advice from what she was practicing at home. I do not believe you would gain anything of value taking any action on this now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2022): There is a way you can check for yourself whether your mother is still practising as a nurse if this would affect your decision to reveal her name to your son's nurse. It's easy and totally legal.
If you would like to know how to do this please follow up to your answer. Then I'll post again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2022): Usually someone like your mother only abuses family and close people, usually younger, children. They have no interest in abuse just for the sake of abuse, they get nothing out of doing it to total strangers and they rarely get the opportunity to. Their abuse is often about power, wanting to show you who is boss, the hierarchy etc, that would not apply to strangers anyway.
If you bring this up it will drag on for ages and eventually come to nothing - because it was all a long time ago and no proof. I've known cases which were a lot more recent that caused a great deal of stress and confusion and all for nothing. But you would also get stress coming from the new situation, where people who know her will think you are out of order for telling tales on her, maybe believing you are making it up and much more. It becomes time consuming, complicated and you can never turn the clock back, and at times you would very much like to. The best way to deal with an abuser is to remove yourself from them. Don't meet up with them, don't speak to them, don't interact with them.
Just move on away from them and do your best to forget what happened. If this is impossible get a good and empathic therapist to help you, it will take time, don't expect one session to accomplish much, but the more you are open and honest about it with them the easier and quicker it will be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 April 2022):
" What would you do in my situation"
I would feel a sense of obligation to check and see if she is still working. I would have given the nurse your mom's name.
However, your allegations ARE just that, allegations (even if they are true). Like you said, "I have no way of proving anything and also she is most likely retired now as she is 70."
I would not want anyone potentially abusing old folks who have NO defense. So, yeah I would give the nurse your mom's name.
You can't fix the past, and you are NOT responsible for whatever your mom has done or NOT done to others.
Talk to a counselor if possible, as the past abuse clearly still affects you.
And if you want to do nothing, THAT is your right too.
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