A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HelloJust looking for some advise if possible So my partner and have been together around a yearWe moved in together around 2 months ago, it’s his house which he holds a mortgage on When he asked me to move in with him he offered to put me on the mortgage, but unfortunately I didn’t get accepted due to bad credit. We agreed we’d sort my finances out and remortgage with us both in a couple of years when in theory my credit should have improved. In the meantime we have been splitting the bills and spending money together doing the house up. Last night however I saw some messages on his phone between him and his long term ex who he originally bought the house with. They have remained friends and I’ve never had an issue with it. These were from before he asked me to move in with him, and in them he told her about his new life insurance policy and that if anything should happen etc it would pay the house off which she is first in line for in his Will. I appreciate I shouldn’t have been on his phone, i admit I’m in the wrong for that and it’s not what I’m here for. I also accept the fact that it’s his home and mortgage but on the other hand I do live there and I am putting time and money into the home so feel I should have been told this. I kind of broached the subject today. I said that I’d like to have a home in both our names and said I was worried I’d end up homeless if anything happened to him. He still didn’t say anything that the house would be going to his ex. We have been planning a child in the near future so I said it was a worry again to which he said “well we can do a Will etc”. I just feel he’s not being open and honest about it and at the end of the day not putting me first, I feel slightly taken advantage of with the money I’ve put into helping refurb etc . I feel I can’t bring it up directly as I’m not happy with my own actions of snooping on his messages Just looking for some thoughts on how others would feel in this situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): If I were your boyfriend and read your question I would tell you to f off - in the words of Honeypie. You hardly know this man, in my book it is way too soon to live together even if there is nothing to worry about with ownership of a house or rent. You seem to be looking at this in a very cold blooded and calculated way as if he has been put on this earth to help you out financially! You are old enough to take care of yourself and could easily have saved and put towards your own home by now, you are not 18, you have had time to do that. The days of a man being a provider for a woman are been and gone, nowadays both contribute equally and both work full time. If I were him and knew you were thinking more about the house and money than whether or not you are right for each other or rushing into things I would run a mile. It shows you are quite materialistic and that you don't think things through. Both would put me off.
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (10 May 2022):
You haven't been together that long and it's possible that she has invested more into the house than you have and they have some sort of agreement. Maybe he wants to put you on but can't without having issues with her.
I've known other people in this situation and I'll advise you the same as them: don't contribute towards remodeling until you have a stake in the house. Just pay rent.
When you get pregnant you can demand more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): My advice - look after your own finances and dont rely on him to fund your housing, least not until you are in a more committed relationship. 1 year is really not very long. Sort out your debts and start saving for your own property. In a few years time once you have a deposit, then you can ask him if he wants to sell his place and combine assets. While you are living with him it is only fair that you split the bills, though you must be clear that even if you are making payments towards the mortgage that does not automatically give you any claim to the property. Does he have kids with his ex? If so, it makes sense that he would leave his property to them. If not, maybe he is still harbouring some feelings or feels he owes it to her to leave her the property if she paid into it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): How old is this guy? You seem to be in your early thirties so if he is also in the same age bracket he has still many many more years to live. So why do you worry yourself in something so remote. You never know what will happen in the future. He might marry you or equally he may dump you. My advice is enjoy living in the present and plan to buy your own house and don't worry your head needlessly about something so remote and uncertain.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2022):
 The ex-wife might also have helped with a downpayment, cosigned the loan etc. so SHE is the reason he was able to BUY the house in the first place. Which means she might be part-owner. Maybe he didn't buy her out when they split, with the proviso that SHE gets the house in case he dies.
DO not put your name on ANY kind of debt, when you are not married. And if you DO get married, HAVE a legal document drawn up detailing who put in how much and how it's to be split in the event of a split or death.
Also, I think you are getting ahead of yourself. You have been together for ALL of a year and demand to have your name on the house? If I were your BF I'd tell you to F right off! for that. Why would YOU be entitled to his house? Because you have dated him for a year? And you might have kids with him?
Sorry if that sounds rude, but I think you are asking for something you aren't OWED.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 May 2022):
 A small, but important point...adding yourself to his mortgage does not mean you co-own the home.
I would treat the house as a rental. You'd have to pay for accommodations wherever you lived. I suggest you not invest your heart and soul into redecorating and upgrading. Just keep it clean and tidy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2022): This sucks.
You should never Invest your money, energy and time in a home that isn’t yours, unless you are willingly doing someone a favor.
However, the fact that you can’t directly talk about this with him shows that you snooped around because you two do not have an honest and direct relationship. You were looking through his messages with his ex specifically. This is not good. You cannot build a relationship and have a kid with someone you cannot talk to. So this is bad. And what is worse is that you feel that snooping around is the right thing to do.
I know that everyone is different, but you moved in together and planned a kid after only being together dor about 10 months. It seems that you both were looking to find a partner in a hurry. You don’t know each other well. It wouldn’t surprise me that he still feels in some ways closer to his ex.
You need to talk to him. Explain why you felt you couldn’t communicate with him and why you went through his phone. Don’t lie. Ask him about the financial arrangement.
If you cant do this and if he can’t talk to you openly hou are not suited for each other.
It is as simple as that. Better to know how things are now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2022): Hello. OP here. Just to clarify, the ex is no longer on the mortgage- he bought her out when they split
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2022): Although he and his ex co-signed on the mortgage loan; his ex (girlfriend) is not necessarily on the title or deed of the property. He probably wouldn't have qualified for the loan without a co-signer; so it would make sense that the ex should be included on the title to receive a portion of the equity upon the sale of the property. This is why it's not smart to co-sign on loans or mortgages if you're not married!!!
You do realize that if he died before he paid off the mortgage, and didn't have the mortgage insurance on the home, or the coverage lapsed due to missed payment of the premiums on the mortgage insurance, his ex would still have to pay the mortgage? It's only fair they workout an equitable agreement!
It depends if that ex is his ex-wife, or his ex-girlfriend. It is very likely his ex has contributed to her share of the mortgage, real estate taxes, closing costs, upkeep, and legal fees before they split; or maybe she is still paying on the mortgage.
In fairness, she should receive a share of the equity. If she is just his ex-girlfriend, she wouldn't have a legal leg to stand-on; if he decided to stop paying the mortgage. She would be solely responsible for repayment of the mortgage loan. She's lucky they're friends! It's still very risky on her part!
They are not plotting behind your back, he is doing right by her. Otherwise, she could be stuck with a mortgage (and no house) if he stopped paying; or the property got foreclosed. Her credit would be ruined! If she is his ex-wife, she could sue for her share of any equity in the home, or receive it by divorce decree. If her name is on the title or deed, wife or not, he can't sell; unless she signs-off on the deed or title. It would behoove her to get her name on the deed immediately if it isn't!
You should also realize that just having a man's child doesn't automatically make you (or the child) his next of kin; or entitled to anything should he die. Wills are contestable by family members. Even if you had a child together, if you're not married, the child is not automatically an heir to his estate. Unless he legally adopts the child, or lists the child as his legal heir and beneficiary; or it could be a court battle. Think before you go doing what a wife does, having babies, intertwining income, and sharing debt. Girlfriends don't have spousal-rights, or any claims on his estate should he pass away.
My advice. Talk to a lawyer before you co-sign on debt, and start pushing-out babies.
You have no legal claims on anything, even if you had a dozen of his babies! He can put you on the title; but the law will recognize the original co-signers on the title before it considers anybody else. You might have to battle it out with a probate court. If he added you with a quitclaim deed, he'd be giving you part ownership to the property; while his ex is the one financially tied to the mortgage loan. Only a certified jerk and a sleaze would do that!
Unless he marries you, I doubt you'll talk him into doing that; and his ex would be wise to get herself a lawyer if he does.
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