A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Here is a situation: I am not asking legal advice, I'm telling what happened. I was finally allowed to go away to college my Junior Year after I got my Associates in Business Communications. My parents wanted me at home not because it cost money to live in the dorms and go to a state university (they're the rich side of average but not loaded- Dad is a Cardiopulmonary nurse, Mom is a orthodontist assistant), but because they wanted control. I studied real hard to get a 3.3, got a 21 on the ACT and I was in Spanish club and EVERY other activity was church related. Mandatory. I was involved in the Sign Minintry and I took classes and actually work part time as an interpreter. I'm responsible, I've never had a detention and I had perfect attendance. I had a class of 70 people. Christian school. (We're Baptist if it matters). They thought I would rebel at college just because I went on ONE overnight at a friend's that wasn't a church lock in and we silly stringed a neighbor boy's bushes. It wasn't like we were drinking or doing drugs or running around in tight or skimpy jammies! Most of us wore leggings and t shirts or something. Mom and Dad acted like I was a hardened criminal and to this day keep their distance from the friend's parents because they don't trust them.So this past year, they let me live in the upperclassmen dorms where I had no roommate but a suite mate. She was this really nice Indian girl named Durga who had such bad depression that she couldn't get out of bed or shower and almost failed out. I talked to her and fave her food and eventually she started cooking Indian food for me and taught me some yoga which I was never allowed to take. I found out that it's literally not immoral at all! I was supposed to go home all weekends so I wouldn't be on campus and wasn't supposed to leave campus because they have security. It's a secular college and I'm keeping my business Communications major plus getting computer certification in things like Word, excel, publisher etc. I'm busyOne weekend I was allowed to stay on xampus so I checked out a fraternity party. Basically, it was really crowded but these guys with glowsticks were herding everyone to the left of the house to go down the basement, pay $6 and get 6 tickets. Two tickets equaled one cup of keg beer. I tried it and yuck. I drank it slow and leaned on a wall. I found a zip tie bracelet on the floor and put it on. It must have fallen off someone's wrist and I have tiny wrists. That let me go to the first floor. They were normally $10 and allowed you 3 beers or three shots. I took ONE shot in the same cup and it basically burned and I managed to not puke. Guy wrote pi on my hand. I could get the other two letters if I drank more but didn't want to. No one talked to me and I was bored.I went back out front and was about to walk home when this guy with a septum piercing handed me a drink and said, "My girl don't want this and I spent good money on it" I drank it down real fast because... I don't know. It almost came back up. The girl had her head shaved on one side and her eyes got real big and she said "No!" The guy elbowed her real hard and told her to shut up because we were all going to party. Here's where the situation comes in: I got scared and walked off really fast and he started yelling for me to come back, said I owed him and called me all kinds of vulgar names. All I remember is getting to campus, looking at the building and being really confused and way way drunk Next thing I know, it's the next morning and I'm in the hospital. Durga saw I wasn't in my dorm by 1 am and she went looking. She found me all messed up. I don't remember any of it. She called my parents from my phone. Now my parents think I'm a horrible party animal who isn't ready for college, that I've always been lying, that Durga was covering for me, all that. I was drugged. The hospital said. Dad read my records even though it was a violation of privacy. Him and Mom are in the health field, they should know I was drugged and didn't drink much. They want to sue the fraternity as well as help me against the guy because we did find out his name. The girl with him said he forced himself on her. How do I convince my parents I just made a mistake and had bad luck and that I haven't been lying?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2023): Dear Writer:I’ve read posts very similar to yours over the years. Similarities not only in what is said, but in writing style. Even spelling and punctuation errors (not a grammar Nazi here, my mother was an English teacher and I learned a lot through osmosis. I also make a lot of mistakes and she’s probably spinning in her grave for many reasons). Several people seem not to take your pleas for advice very seriously and some have stated that they think you are wasting their time telling tall tales for (attention? Or is something deeper wrong?). Here is what I’m going to do:Whatever the situation, I see certain themes throughout all these letters. The parents (and all the elders/authority figures in the writers’ life) were very strict, very religious, and very sheltering. The writer is female and no matter how old she is now, she has always been very clueless and easy to take advantage of precisely because of her upbringing. Her upbringing impeded her in many ways: if those adult influences (and perhaps even her friends - at least the only ones she was allowed to associate with) restricted her access to anything contrary to what they wanted her to know or experience, then OF COURSE she is going to enter the world at 18 being nothing but fodder/prey for the rest of the world. This girl, the writer, thought of college as her escape from all that and genuinely thought she’d be able to handle “the real world” all on her own. She was used to basically honest people who didn’t hurt her in the sense that they exposed her to drugs or alcohol or sex or… whatever. I hope there was no abuse like that in her upbringing!I do, however, think that she did suffer “religious abuse” growing up but not the sexual or physical kind (I hope not!) It sounds like it was the psychological/mental/emotional kind and that ALL the people she was surrounded with suffered the same abuse. It wasn’t just one pastor, it was probably the church (Independent Baptist, Pentecostal, Roman Catholic… doesn’t matter) and the fact that no one who grew up as this girl/writer did was ever MEANT to flourish outside in the “secular” world. Children raised this way (and 30-40 year old women who dare to leave their husbands and strike out on their own) get bit in the ass hard by the world again and again and again until they tuck their tail in and go home. That is how an upbringing like that is designed. It IS intentional.According to the people writing in here, it doesn’t matter if they became 18, 25, 30… they never escaped situations where someone else was calling all the shots for them. They didn’t have the knowledge OF the resources (or how to use them!) and when someone pointed resources out to them, it was like receiving a map in a completely different language and not being told that it was upside down. “Fend for yourself, someone your age should know better”. That’s what the secular world says because the secular world doesn’t understand people with your upbringing. I think the truth is this: your upbringing impeded you and it still does. With a world of knowledge (Google/Wiki How) right at your fingertips, you don’t know who/what to trust or where to begin looking. You’re still stuck!There ARE many people in your situation who escaped and went on to become mature, independent adult ladies who could function just fine in the world around them. Go to Google and type in “survivors of religious abuse” “stories” or something like that. “Former Independent Baptist” “former (whatever religion)” even “former Amish”. Read their stories and focus on what they did and the kinds of people they went to to escape. You will find that MOST of the time, they gravitated towards a church, usually a rather conservative one, and they flourished THERE. Assuming you will flourish in and be welcome in some left-leaning, progressive section of society is a mistake, they’ll think you’re too conservative and they’re not going to see you as a friend or ally. Sorry, that’s the way it is. SOME of the things your upbringing shielded you from they were right to! Like alcohol. It’s not necessary, it doesn’t taste good unless filled with so much sugar that you drink yourself too drunk, there IS no safe amount (even ONE serving of alcohol like a shot, a glass of wine etc… can bring you up to a 0.05 blood alcohol level at which point your thinking is slower and your peripheral vision is affected), and people who drink heavily don’t appreciate having to stop their partying to babysit someone who can’t hold their liquor. OR, they can’t wait for some clueless young lady to get “too drunk” so they can “take care of her”. Drugs. If they can’t respect the law enough to not do drugs (even marijuana) what makes you think they’re going to respect YOU? Sexual situations? Steer clear! That means you don’t GO anywhere alone with a male, just assume that if he’s single (or heck, even married) he’s probably trying to be your friend in hopes of there being “more” someday. Even the men looking for wives plan to bed them! You can be friends with men, but keep a professional distance. Don’t be snobbish, but cut out the giggles and clothes-adjusting and all that, it’s considered flirting. Only say what you NEED to say and then stop talking. If he’s got a wife or girlfriend, direct anything you have to say to HER, not him. If you’re in a group and find yourself talking to just one man, bring one of the ladies in the group into the conversation or get up and go to the bathroom. Even one-on-one talk will give him a green light. MOST men have ulterior motives. Just don’t try to be friends with men, OK? Look to women who are at least a decade OLDER than you are. Spend time with them and their families, invite them out to coffee or to our place (if you have your own place), follow THEIR lead. Don’t try to dress or talk like “worldly” people because at the end of the day, sex-talk and cursing and all that just is NOT necessary. It doesn’t make you seem any more intelligent or street smart or anything else, you just sound vulgar. If most people think you’re a snob or a prude? Let them! That just means they’re too worldly for you anyway.None of this means you can’t ever get your own place and live fully independent. No matter how old you are, no matter what your situation, you CAN call 211 or United Way (or google the address) and ASK if there are any open shelters (hopefully Christian based) in your area. See what you can do about getting in. Say “I cannot get away from where I stay. No one’s going to beat me up and rape me here but it’s impossible to save and move out. I need to stay for however long it takes to get my OWN place). SOMEONE will find a place FOR you. You might only get to take a week’s worth of clothes and a hygiene bag. So be it. Follow their rules, stick close by the employees, ask THEM (they’re great at knowing who to trust and who to stay away from) which people to trust. Probably visiting volunteers who bring bible study or something. If you don’t have ID/SS card/Birth Certificate, THEY can help you. Or, you can call 211 again and say, “Hey, I need my birth certificate from Minnesota, how do I do that when I’m broke?” ALL the things you need will be there or someone will find a resource. STAY in the shelter. Just sleep there and eat there until you get a JOB. LOTS of people are hiring. Anything from Wendy’s to Dollar Tree or what have you. Find something in walking distance or have someone walk you through how to take the City Bus. Take a ride on the closest bus to the shelter and see what businesses are around. Apply there. Find out where the nearest library is. Ask a library employee where to begin looking, they’re THE most resourceful people on earth. When you’re not at the shelter, in church (or similar), or at work, be at the library. They usually even have security guards. You’ll be safe. Don’t talk to strangers. If someone tries to chat you up, simply say, “Excuse me, I came here to get this done, I’d like to get back to it”. No matter HOW they respond, ESPECIALLY if they respond with anger or some stupid remark, DO NOT let it get to you. THEY are the one being rude! If they call you names or keep talking to you GET AN EMPLOYEE and tell them dude won’t leave you alone. YOU should not have to leave. I’m sure SECURITY will be happy to get him away from you, they WANT you to feel safe to get things done uninterrupted/unbothered. Keep doing all that, keep following the rules and working and saving and all that until you FIND someone who can get you your own place. It doesn’t matter if it’s an efficiency in a not-so-nice neighborhood. It doesn’t matter if when you first move in all you can afford is an air mattress and a few plastic drawers for clothes. There are resources for furniture and kitchen implements and so on whether they’re free or low cost. Stick with the people who have the resources. Stick with the people who truly ARE there to help, that means librarians, visiting CHRISTIAN women and FEMALE employees who have been around the block a few times. You can make it. You are capable. There is hope for you.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (6 June 2023):
 " secular college"
" I was allowed to stay on x(c)ampus so I checked out a fraternity party. "
Having noted a discrepancy in your narrative, I'll continue to advise you.
If you want to convince your parents to trust you act like an adult. Take your medical record to your police office and file a criminal complaint. Tell your parents that you will file a HIPPA complaint if they intrude on your privacy again.
Next time don't go to a party alone. Don't take drinks from anyone who isn't the bartender. If you don't like drink, don't partake. Alcohol has never enhanced anyone's relationship. It is a crutch some use to cover their crippling inhibition at best.
You have a Very good roommate. Give her a thank you present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2023): I don't know how to convince your parents you're not lying because you cited two instances where you DID break trust. First slumber party you went to you snuck out past curfew (breaking and taking advantage of those parents' trust and your parent' trust), trespassed onto someone else's property and made a mess. Does that make you all a bunch of hardened criminals? No. Most slumber parties involve sneaking out and doing something annoying to someone's property. In your case, silly string. Why your parents hold a grudge against the host parents years later I could only guess. All parents with any brain cells and a dash of foresight would have planned for that by sitting up with the girls until they went to sleep, crashed out on the couch themselves ir simply had a stay-till-midnight party instead. Whatever. With parents like yours, they don't sound like they take "normal " teenage hijinks lightly.
Onto college, I wasn't sure what Durga had to do with anything until she just so happened to be the one to find you. Maybe it was your dorm building you found yourself too drink in front of. A few shots of liquor would do that to anyone. Especially if taken down quickly. The part where you were drugged by a stranger at your very first and only Frat party is hard to believe. It could happen. So could it happen that a visiting Mormon offer you spiked apple juice. It's disturbing that Dude screamed obscenities and vugarities at you with no intervention or at least attention from any of the large crowd. While drink spiking does occur in crowded bars and parties and while predator strangers do it, the guy usually at least warms the girl up with a conversation first. Roofies usually take 15-45 minutes to kick in. You got back to your campus just in time I guess.
I was roofied once, 20-odd years ago. It was technically GHB in my case. I was at a hotel party which included my friend Billy who I'd known for 3 years. I'd partied with him many times before. I'd been alone with him many times before. I trusted him. We all had two adjoining hotel rooms with hit tubs. I'd been very sheltered and was very naive but trying to pretend I was a seasoned party girl. I had THREE wine coolers. Those were enough to give me a mild buzz if I drank them fast. Billy and I had secured the room for everyone and I thought nothing of it. Until I was TOO drunk. I asked if he dropped something in my drink and he got angry. That's my last fuzzy memory. I stumbled out the door (friends had not joined us yet) and apparently banged on another guests door. I was told by hotel Staff that the guests called security. I was also told that (and this sounds ds as fantastical as your story) the guest's husband stayed in the hall with Billy while his wife had me in their room. It's "fantastical" not because Billy was apologizing for my drunkenness, but because the husband had been a bartender at one point and knew EXACTLY what had happened. He didn't want Billy anywhere near me. While I was taken to the hospital (I'll spare everyone the details of all that), the police were called. My friends came, got out of there, and some were questioned and searched. Long story short, Billy had among other things GHB in his possession. I had it in my possession. My parents DID move me back home but brought me down for court. Some friends were witnesses. Some spoke out in Billy's favor. I talk to none of them.
Either way, whatever your story is, your parents should absolutely keep you home. That guy should be in jail but I doubt he is.
You, at 20-21 (I'm guessing) have an associates degree, you know ASL well enough to be an interpreter, you have some computer certifications and therefore are capable of finding a well-paying job easily. Then, you can save up to get your own apartment where your parents can't control you. You'll be able to practice yoga, booze it up, and silly string pretty much whatever you want
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2023): I’m sorry this happened to you. How can you convince your parents to believe you- I’m not sure but something like this happened to my friend many years ago, when we were in university.
Her parents were very strict & religious. My friend wasn’t allowed to drink & stay out late or go to parties.
We were lucky enough to go to the same uni & we lived in an apartment in student accommodation.
We would go home every weekend together, taking it in turns to drive.
Now one Friday evening another student was having a birthday party in her apartment- we went. I had a few glasses of alcohol but my friend stuck to soft drinks - unfortunately someone had put alcohol in the punch - which she wasn’t aware of & ended up getting very drunk & vomiting.
The next day she was in no fit state to travel the 2 hours by car as she felt so unwell even though I told her I would drive. She couldn’t tell her parents as she shouldn’t have been at the party in the first place.
We decided to tell both sets of parents that we had food poisoning & couldn’t travel. Her parents decided to drive up as they were worried.
I had to pretend I was feeling unwell - my friend didn’t!
We were terrified they’d find out what really happened- even though it was just bad luck on her part.
Luckily they had no clue but got angry at us both for getting “too many takeaways” & we had to promise them we would cook ourselves from now on.
Had they found out my friend would’ve been in a lot of trouble.
I hope you are able to solve this.
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