A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a guy who has so many characteristics I am looking for. He is so much of what I’ve hoped to have as a husband but never thought would exist out there. Long story short, he has three big deal breakers to him. These things are not in my hands, and they are also things many others would also feel are deal breakers. They are not petty things like “He’s 5’4” or something. The point of this question isn’t to decide if I should still consider him. I’ve already decided to try and move on.The question is: how can I get over the dissapointment? I’m was crying earlier thinking, Man, I so close. I thought I was finally going to say I found the one. That the searching was finally over. If only those few very large things were not there, I would have probably gotten engaged to him. I came so close to finding that person finally.It’s like I have to start all over again at the drawing board. I love the other parts of him so much that I’m stuck in love with those parts and have moments where I don’t want anyone else but him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to say thank you everyone for helping me in me trying to get through this process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2022): Don't get ahead of yourself when you're dating. I know, I know, your heart has a mind of its own; but one of the things I think we are all guilty of is looking too far ahead into the future. We let our enthusiasm establish the outcome of a romantic-connection prematurely. We start programming our mindset to believe "this is the one!" All things are contingent; and you should always remain sober and mentally-prepared to allow for "surprises" and "disappointment."
Through wishful-thinking, you can convince your subconscious-mind that something is true; and/or beyond the shadow of a doubt. That's a trap we often set for ourselves when we fall for someone; and the problem with doing that is it becomes deeply registered into our psyche as a reality, when it's really a hope or a dream. That's how we get mentally trapped; and feel like our hopes and dreams are completely dashed. Then you'll have to go through an excruciating period of mourning and grief. It becomes difficult to deal with the true-reality, because the subconscious has to reconcile itself with reality; but it still wants to believe the more pleasing perception that the person is/was certifiably "the one."
Although we live in a over-entitled world in which people create their own "perceived" truths and realities; we have to leave some room for error, and not allow our imaginations to get ahead of our commonsense. Accept the truth for what it is, and move on.
You can, and should, always be hopeful; and do your best to appreciate and enjoy the moment. Dating is a period of trial and error. Evaluation and discovery. You're weighing your pros and cons based on facts and reality; not daydreams and fantasies.
Don't start fixating your mind on things being set or permanent. At best, it's all tentative/hopeful; and we're in a period of "wait and see."
Well, obviously some dealbreakers came-up; but it is what it is! I hope this dilemma didn't occur during your engagement to the guy. I could see where you'd be brokenhearted and disillusioned; but not before the relationship is well-established and committed. Remember, he is also evaluating the pros and cons about you; so you also have to maintain some humility here. Nobody's perfect, and you wouldn't want anyone to hold you to an unreasonable/imaginary standard of perfection. Not saying dealbreakers should be dismissed or overlooked! Far too often we make that mistake! Just don't overjudge others to a degree you place yourself up on a pedestal, or in a place of conceit. The ego can get pretty full of itself. We all have to undergo review, face rejection, and be expected to meet certain standards in the dating world. When both feet are planted firmly on the ground; you can absorb the disappointment in a reasonable period of time, without undue trauma or unnecessary grief. There is such a thing as being too optimistic! Keep it real, girlfriend!
Don't fight reality! Reality doesn't change; so we have to adapt and accept it. What we concoct in our imaginations can change a hundred different ways; and you shouldn't put yourself through the emotional grinder, because you missed the target this time. Set your mind to believe you ducked a bullet; and you're still free to continue on your search, until you find the right-guy. It was divine intervention! The person meant for you is still on his way. That you can trust, but be patient!
Don't picture the future before it happens; let it get here in its own time. Live in the present. Avoid clichés like "the one" or "soulmate." Once we're over 30, we've reached a maturity level that knows these Hallmark card platitudes fall beyond reason and commonsense. We're all adults now!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 November 2022):
 Regardless of how many good qualities he had, three deal-breakers preclude him from being "the one". If these three things were really something you could not live with/adjust to, then he may as well not have had any of the good qualities, as he was never going to be right for you.
If you have already managed to find one man with so many of the qualities you seek, there will be others out there with these qualities too, but hopefully without the deal-breakers.
As for your statement that you have to "start all over again", that's not strictly true. This time you are starting from a point of experience, so will hopefully be able to put that experience to good use in your search.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 November 2022):
 In the end, you need to shake this off and not think - I was SOOO close" but OH I really dodged a bullet here!!!
3 big red flags are huge.
You also need to realize that you are NOT stuck in love with him, you are STUCK in love with the POTENTIAL you SAW in him. An idealized VERSION of him. No the real guy, a FANTASY version of him. YOUR fantasy version of him.
You can LOVE someone and he can be totally wrong for you. Doesn't mean you don't still feel love.
However, THE SOONER you ACCEPT that he is NOT right for you and therefore YOU need to set him (and yourself free) the SOONER you can potentially MEET a guy who IS the right one for you.
I will ask this of you.
How long did you know him?
How WELL did you know him?
Did you take your time to really see HIM for who he is? As is - when did the red flags pop up?
How fast are you to JUMP into a relationship? Do you sleep with the fast, invest in them fast? (emotionally, financially, etc) OR do you take your time going on dates and seeing the guy in different situations?
Instead of mourning the loss of a fantasy man, take this as a learning experience and GO OVER what YOU should avoid NEXT time - in your OWN behavior as that is the ONLY thing you can control.
He was a dud. It happens. LET it go.
Lastly, you put a LOT of expectations on a partner and on yourself. Maybe accepting that there is no "perfect man" out there, nor are YOU a perfect woman.
Having BOUNDARIES, values, morals, needs, and wants is important in finding a good partner.
Also, would you like to share what those red flags were?
Kinda curious and perhaps we can help more knowing them?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (2 November 2022):
 I think that you have got to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on putting this down to experience.
So he was close to being the one, but he wasen't there were red flags. Its a good thing you found the red flags now and not further down the line.
Don't be so serious with it all, be a bit more light hearted and have fun with it all. So he was not the one, so it's back to the drawing board, who knows maybe the next one will be your perfect fit.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 November 2022):
 Three large things is a lot.
I suspect the details would surprise me.
But, in the end, I can't recommend you stay with someone with three serious red flags.
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