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My name's Anna, a mod on DC since 2007, I feel we have here a small community I grew very fond of as I am always looking forward to read your thoughts, I like the exchange of experiences and I think this is a wonderful site as it provides us with the opportunity to be solidary and learn from one another.
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Please help me, have I lost my mum and dad?
Q. Hi, I am really quite down and need some advice regarding the relationship with my parents. My parents came to spend xmas with me in Germany and it was difficult work having them with me, my dad is one of these people who has to be doing somet...
A. 20 February 2011: By the way, I understand why you would not like them to go in June while your hubby leaves in July, he may want to be able to see them for that month before he leaves, and you may not trust your parents enough to allow them to have the kids which is ... (read in full...)
Please help me, have I lost my mum and dad?
Q. Hi, I am really quite down and need some advice regarding the relationship with my parents. My parents came to spend xmas with me in Germany and it was difficult work having them with me, my dad is one of these people who has to be doing somet...
A. 20 February 2011: How about calling to tell them, Hello mum and dad, I must thank you so much for your offer to take the kids on holiday, how grateful they are to have such nice, caring grandparents but I've decided I will have the kids stay with me and hubby because ... (read in full...)
My husband gave his blessings for my having an affair. Opinions?
Q. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have to think so hard about this, but I'm in a predicament...I'm married to a wonderful and kind and loving and a man who thinks the world of me and an acquaintance friend of ours (we're all the same age)wants to get toge...
A. 20 February 2011: He gave you his blessings and isn't upset by it at all AS FAR AS YOU'RE AWARE of, BINGO. How would you feel about hubby having sex with other women? You do give a new meaning to the 'marriage' concept. There are of course people who have no problems ... (read in full...)
Should I divorce him? I just can't get back what I once felt for my husband!
Q. I am a 54 year old female. I have been married for the 2nd time for 13 years now. My husband through the course of our marriage has always smoked pot and drank. It's work, home from work, sit outside and read and drink every night. I hoped he ...
A. 14 December 2010: Your feelings are normal and understable. You shouldn't worry about that. It's OK to feel tired, helpless, and to want to give up. It's OK to want to go on as well. Everyone should know their limits.
After battling with two alcoholic hubbies ... (read in full...)
My husband is going out again and I can't deal with it!
Q. well i'm here to tell you my situation, my husband is going out again , you see we been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids together a girl thats 6 and a boy thats 2 and he wasn't working for 3 years i was the one working all the time he would ...
A. 12 December 2010: You also say nothing about intimacy, that's a whole chapter to address. This can take many forms, including emotional and sexual. Of course, intimacy can't thrive in a cooled context where you've garnered resentment for one another. Google "intimacy ... (read in full...)
My husband is going out again and I can't deal with it!
Q. well i'm here to tell you my situation, my husband is going out again , you see we been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids together a girl thats 6 and a boy thats 2 and he wasn't working for 3 years i was the one working all the time he would ...
A. 12 December 2010: I hope he drinks those beers with measure, it would be regretful to exhibit an otherwise behaviour to the kids. I will suppose he is not an inveterate drinker, as this would complicate things too much. I see that you almost wish that he didn't ... (read in full...)
Lack of Intimacy in an Early 20s Relationship
Q. I'm 22 years old and I've been in a relationship for almost 2 and a half years, and my girlfriend has hardly ever wanted to have sex for over a year and a half; it is getting progressively worse (she is 20 years old). I am just about to graduate, ...
A. 10 December 2010: Many couples encounter this problem. It's pretty unnatural for you to have to live with this, and I'm sorry that you're not having your needs met. Being sexually unsatisfied IS a problem that leads to others in time: boredom, frustration, tension, ... (read in full...)
I WANT to believe that he is really making it up to me but our past is stopping me doing so.
Q. Hi, I'm not sure where to start but here goes. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, but twice during these four years that we broke up because he cheated on me and lied to me. The first time was harder because I never saw it com...
A. 28 November 2010: I meant that he declared he was single and unavailable but in the end behaved as available. One hears this so many times that it's almost funny. A long way that is before saying and actually doing.
The other comment about respect was meant in the ... (read in full...)
Why is he always telling me he's having problems with his girlfriend???
Q. This guy is my friend and he likes to flirt with me, but he has a girlfriend. People say they are having problems because his GF wants to leave him mainly because he lost his job and is full of debts. He says they are having problems for the same ...
A. 28 November 2010: Stop flirting is what you can do and no need to tell him anything, surely he does not count on you in particular to advise him. Don't trust guys that tell you they don't get along with their girlfriends. This is often not true but makes you think ... (read in full...)
Breakup of marriage--why do I feel robbed?
Q. Why is it socially acceptable that when the marriage has problems and one spouse wants out that the other spouse is left picking up the shattered pieces? They are left raising the children and reassuring them of future happiness. Dealing with ...
A. 28 November 2010: We hear you, and I hope you move on to a more peaceful state at some point, for your sake and the kids'.
Do you miss this man or just wish that someone else hopefully better equipped for a lifelong journey, filled his gap?
Why did you separate... (read in full...)
I WANT to believe that he is really making it up to me but our past is stopping me doing so.
Q. Hi, I'm not sure where to start but here goes. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, but twice during these four years that we broke up because he cheated on me and lied to me. The first time was harder because I never saw it com...
A. 27 November 2010: Not much to hesitate about, never hold onto a relationship out of pure habit. Attachment and habit can easily blur your judgement when it's time to make a tough call. Neither of you is acting right in this relationship, and the drama must be ... (read in full...)
Still going to lunch with an ex boyfriend
Q. My girlfriend wants to go to lunch with her ex boy friend I told her I did not want her seeing him yet she said they were only friends and she wanted to remain friends and I had no right telling her who she could see or not see. She claimed I do ...
A. 7 October 2010: You don't have to think she is meeting an ex, think she meets a regular friend - male or female, and how you would act then, act also in this case. Some people like to stay friends with former partners, ask them for their health from time to tim... (read in full...)
After finding out my partner used a prostitute, I'm wondering if he's the man I thought he was?
Q. My man and I have been together for almost three years now, and marriage is on the cards. We’re mature (early 50s) and have both been married and divorced, so it's inevitable we each have a past. Watching the news on TV the other night ther...
A. 17 September 2010: That is OK to have a black and white vision. But in this case you probably need to find someone with similar views. The comparison you are making is unbelievably cruel and thoughtless, if I need to point this out. You will hurt him deeply by stating ... (read in full...)
After finding out my partner used a prostitute, I'm wondering if he's the man I thought he was?
Q. My man and I have been together for almost three years now, and marriage is on the cards. We’re mature (early 50s) and have both been married and divorced, so it's inevitable we each have a past. Watching the news on TV the other night ther...
A. 17 September 2010: If you're dating someone of 50+ years of age you're dating someone with a history. Unless they hide some of it from you, chances are this history will contain things you don't want disclosed - that you don't want to know. But if you ask, be prepared ... (read in full...)
Should I just walk away and find someone who is willing to love me the same way?
Q. Hi All, My question is should you stay in a relationship if the guy you have been with (we have been together 4yrs) has feelings for you but there not as strong as yours ,he just tells me he likes me very much.but i am in love with him.he knows th...
A. 8 September 2010: Is he willing to settle with you for good, or not? That is the question. After 4 years this is pretty clear in the minds of most people, if you've seen each other consistently. Especially at this age one would think you don't precisely want at all ... (read in full...)
What did he mean by saying he still sees his ex as the woman he married?
Q. Last weekend my boyfriend saw her ex wife and he told me that he feels a lot of resentment, anger for her but someone he still sees as the woman he married I told him that maybe he still has feelings for her, that he should try to talk with her an...
A. 5 September 2010: Glad to hear you have enjoyed the first year and that you are satisfied with how it went so far. I figure that he has already wasted a bit of time, and it shouldn't make sense pursuing a relationship that doesn't seem promising. That said, hopefull... (read in full...)
What did he mean by saying he still sees his ex as the woman he married?
Q. Last weekend my boyfriend saw her ex wife and he told me that he feels a lot of resentment, anger for her but someone he still sees as the woman he married I told him that maybe he still has feelings for her, that he should try to talk with her an...
A. 4 September 2010: I don't really think you should worry. How long have you been dating? The ex factor - a delicate topic for many, while you are able to nicely talk about it, this is interesting. Your boyfriend shared a story with this woman and they even tied the... (read in full...)
Is his anger the start of something more serious?
Q. Hello, I need some advice. I just moved to a brand new state and city to be with my boyfriend. We've been dating for over a year long distance. We have spent time each other through out that time period. But since I've moved to his home town we...
A. 1 September 2010: "Oh when we visited each other in the past we never got in to argurments like this."
Of course, some aspects are revealed by spending a larger amount of time together. And now I see, you haven't even been dating properly, due to the long dist... (read in full...)
Any successful stepdads or step mums out there?
Q. This is probably a long shot but prove me wrong, I'm looking for advice from 'successful' step dads out there. I'm a 29 guy dating a 27 year girl with 2 kids (2 and 5). I have found 0 success stories on the internet about being a step dad,...
A. 1 September 2010: You are supposed to make the kids the centre of your universe, as they are the mum's, and if she is allowing you this time with her kids by moving in, this should be a big deal. It means she trusts you. For any mum her kids are the most precious ... (read in full...)
I had wild sex in public in the past. Should I tell her??
Q. She's not comfortable with public shows of affection. I told her no PDAs is totally fine with me. She was reassured and concluded: "I'm glad we both feel the same way about it!". I chose silence over sharing the fact that I've definitely had s...
A. 20 August 2010: Is the information of any use to her? No, so don't tell her. Moreover, you just started dating. What is the point in giving every detail of sex with former boyfriends and girlfriends at this stage? Even later on, it can even cause a pile of trouble ... (read in full...)
Why does my wife go out with the girls all the time?
Q. [ModNote:OPs own title] My wife and I are in our mid-40's and have been married for many years. For all this time, I have always felt at the center of her world. We would have to move cities every now and then for work, start new careers, make new ...
A. 20 August 2010: "She invariably comes home late, after I am asleep, drunk."
I had missed this part. Getting drunk is not a solution. Try all the effective ways to talk to her. I think people forget the order in which things happen, not necessarily on purpose. A ne... (read in full...)
Why does my wife go out with the girls all the time?
Q. [ModNote:OPs own title] My wife and I are in our mid-40's and have been married for many years. For all this time, I have always felt at the center of her world. We would have to move cities every now and then for work, start new careers, make new ...
A. 20 August 2010: You seem to work more than the wife. After work, you want to relax and spend time with your wife and kids, fair enough. Your wife works less than you, has settled a schedule with the girls to occupy her time. This seems correct, too. At least a... (read in full...)
Help! First date in two years... but is he already playing games with me?
Q. I met someone last weekend and he asked me out on a date via text on Monday past, i agreed and when he asked me how old i was and i responded (we are both in our 30's) also asking him when will i get to talk to him because i prefer that (especially ...
A. 20 August 2010: Did you meet online? I find it strange for a 30-something-year-old to ask you out by text. That denotes faulty communication from the start. Texts shouldn't replace real communication, as much as they are useful sometimes. So this doesn't make a ... (read in full...)
Should I suggest we spend some time apart?
Q. My fiancee tells me repeatedly that she loves me and can't wait to marry me, in both spoken and written word, yet her actions indicate she may be drifting away. Perhaps she is getting too comfortable in the relationship or she is getting bored with ...
A. 19 August 2010: Have you tried discussing your problems firstly? - preferably before taking the big step. You will have to talk about your attitudes, this gap you see between feeling you are ready to marry but not acting as though you are ready to assume the ... (read in full...)
Does this make us a couple?
Q. Anyway I met this guy, we have great chemistry and I like him a lot. Honestly I'm not sure if we're dating but I think we are. Tuesday morning we we're talking and I'm not sure how this came about, but I had asked him if we were offical, he said do ...
A. 19 August 2010: We are talking about someone very sexually experienced here, and you want to normally put sex on hold until you get to know him better. I am not sure that is possible, someone with his experience will likely want to move at a much faster pace than ... (read in full...)
I was more compatible with my ex. What do I do?
Q. I'm in a bit of an emotional jam. I left my long time ex in part because we stopped being intimate, although we were very sexually compatible when we did have sex. The passion and energy just seemed to leave the relationship. But I had and still ...
A. 17 August 2010: It's not OK to be relationship-dependent, as you risk not recognising a bad relationship for fear of being alone, which in turn decreases your chances to find a more fulfilling relationship, since the right order is to end one deal before your ... (read in full...)
Why does he always promise things and then lets me down
Q. Im feeling pretty upset today, there seems to be this pattern with my bf that when we makes plans/ say we will do something they never happen. Its not all the time but it does happen quite a bit. Like this weekend we said we would either see each ...
A. 16 August 2010: Does he have a special reason to cut down on your dates? You should talk about this openly. Tell him that you have noticed him sometimes cancelling plans, sometimes last minute, "can we perhaps manage our time better as I would really love to follow ... (read in full...)
When is it the right time to stop hiding our new relationship? And is it too soon to talk to my new boyfriend about moving away?
Q. Ok - i am writing cause i am unsure how to handle my thoughts about this situation. I had a boyfriend of 7 years - the last 2 were relatively dead and we broke up about 4 months ago now. Amoungst many reasons we broke up - one of the main ones wa...
A. 16 August 2010: I think you should be upfront with your date about moving away (is it on a permanent basis?) - he will have a clearer idea about the amount he can invest in this relationship and the direction it's heading, so it is the right thing to do. You will ... (read in full...)
I don't trust the mother of his kids
Q. Is it bad if it pisses me off that my boyfriend has kids and still has to see his ex? I'm not jelous and I do trust him I just don't trust her and I really don't like her....
A. 3 August 2010: The eternal rivalry between ex and current girlfriend. You will need to be civil with this woman for the sake of the boyfriend and the children. Understand the situation cannot change, he has to visit and spend time with the little ones. "I trust ... (read in full...)
Is it normal to not want to experience any feelings at all?
Q. Hi, I went through a very bad period in my life almost a year ago and experienced a lot of intense emotional pain and the feeling of causing someone else intense pain. At one point, I became overwhelmed to the point of not being able to get out ...
A. 3 August 2010: You give very few details but here is what I can make of this. Firstly, see a doctor for what sounds as a depression (not getting out of bed, your trouble with the past, and so on). When you are badly burnt, you stay away from the burner. In your cas... (read in full...)
After three years, why would he call? And lie about it??
Q. Last night I got a voicemail message from an ex boyfriend who disappeared on me three years ago. The message said he was "returning this call. Someone called me from this number. Thanks, bye bye." I never called him, and unless the dog has lear...
A. 21 July 2010: So he disappeared without a word while you were together? How strange. Maybe he felt like calling at this time and didn't know what to say. Maybe he has had a few too many drinks. Just don't call back. Someone who disappears as such isn't worthy o... (read in full...)
I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to be loved and he did that.
Q. My life is in deep trouble. I live with a guy 10 years now. We have no romanic relation. We bought a house together as a partnership. He says i am his girlfriend. We act like married people. I don't go out and he does not either. My problem is 5 ...
A. 2 July 2010: Your affair will probably be forgiven by his wife if he goes about it the right way. Then you will need to decide if you wish to work on your own relationship. I can understand how the lack of romance led you here but am not sure the situation at ... (read in full...)
Why hasn't he kissed me yet?
Q. Ok so this is the thing, I have known this guy for a long time now, I would say 4 years maybe. We never knew I existed until now but I have always had a crush on him, but I guess that was because I was too young at the time, I am going to turn 19 ...
A. 29 June 2010: We know he is interested because he spends quite some time with you. Confidence he doesn't lack for sure, charming people usually know their charm and how to use it, I hope he has best intentions, while you can only do as you say, "wait and see", ... (read in full...)
Why hasn't he kissed me yet?
Q. Ok so this is the thing, I have known this guy for a long time now, I would say 4 years maybe. We never knew I existed until now but I have always had a crush on him, but I guess that was because I was too young at the time, I am going to turn 19 ...
A. 29 June 2010: Yes, a possibility is that he wants to take it slow and easy. Maybe he wants to build you up properly so that you are sure to fall to his charms! Ate onion rings, ha!... (read in full...)
How do I lovingly get my introverted husband to come with me to this wedding?
Q. My husband never wants to come out with my friends. I have never forced him anytime. He takes me out and all that. No issues with that. We are totally different people. One of my friends wedding is coming up. I am friends with the entire family. He ...
A. 29 June 2010: I think you should tell hubby that while his comfort is important to you, he should slowly manage to come out of his shell and socialise more, such issues do nothing more than grow wages between spouses, and it's only natural for you to want to ... (read in full...)
Stay Married or Separate - Stepdaughter issues
Q. I am in my second marriage now for 7 years as of February 2010. I am contemplating separation due to my stepdaughter and I don't feel as if I love my wife. My stepdaughter is 22 now. I came into her life when she was 15 and I sort of knew that this ...
A. 25 June 2010: I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody can say you haven't tried, by the look of things. The daughter must have felt encouraged if it was 2:1, was it. I assume the situation would have been very different if the wife had taken a more firm stand here. Talk ... (read in full...)
Not sure he has the same interest in me as he does his dream
Q. Male advice on this one please or wise women... Xxx Please help so I can just understand my feelings a little better. I am really very confused right now. Ok, this man age 31 that I have been seeing for the last 2 and half years has always h...
A. 24 June 2010: "We did speak about our relationship and he said that if I don't feel comfortable with him I'm free to go, it's my choice." When I read this I think about a person who knows what he has to offer may not be entirely all the other partner wants, and ... (read in full...)
Not sure he has the same interest in me as he does his dream
Q. Male advice on this one please or wise women... Xxx Please help so I can just understand my feelings a little better. I am really very confused right now. Ok, this man age 31 that I have been seeing for the last 2 and half years has always h...
A. 22 June 2010: You don't know what to expect. Why don't you discuss how you will keep in touch while he is away, then? Does he know you love him? Naturally if he isn't as involved or sure about the relationship he should tell you so and give you possibility to ... (read in full...)
My wife lied to me about her sexual past until 12 years later...
Q. my wife lied too me about her sexual past before we got married, she told me only one partner, too find out 12 year later she slept with four other men when she was a teenager. but she did come out and tell me because it was bothering her for so ...
A. 21 June 2010: [Mod note: a previous anonymous answer was removed because it offered NO HELPFUL ADVICE for the poster and only made nasty comments about the wife in question. IF YOU DON'T HAVE HELPFUL ADVICE FOR THE POSTER, please DON'T BOTHER POSTING A REPLY. So ... (read in full...)
Which of these men should I date?
Q. I just had a baby 2 months ago - baby's father vanished and turns out he is marrying someone else. I am doing fine without him and feel I am over the sheer pain he put me through when I was pregnant..anyway the baby is just gorgeous even though I ...
A. 19 June 2010: B is out of the question - the serial liar. A may be charming but I don't like that he is best friends with B (the saying "birds of a feather flock together" holds true) and I don't like that he texts a respectable lady (and mother) at late hours, ... (read in full...)
The man I'm in love with is married!
Q. I work with a close friend who has fallen in love with me. He told other co-workers, who told me, but I pretend not to know. However, this man is married. He has only been married for two years and they have no children. I have known him this whole ...
A. 19 June 2010: He doesn't leave his marriage because he isn't sure of your love. What does one have to do with another? If he is in an unhappy marriage as he is spreading the word, then he should do himself a favor and walk out if there is no means or desire left ... (read in full...)
I still love her but the romance is gone, how do I get it back?
Q. Hi, I met a girl 2 years ago and fell deeply in love with her. Unfortunately, she had an ex partner who has been a nightmare. She had a child by him too. The problem is that due to all the stress and drama caused by her ex, the romance has been los...
A. 18 June 2010: PS: I will take a wild guess here and suppose you might think wrong tactics welcomed more drama caused by the ex, maybe your girlfriend didn't know how to best protect her new family from this ex. I can't think of anything more off-putting. Of ... (read in full...)
I still love her but the romance is gone, how do I get it back?
Q. Hi, I met a girl 2 years ago and fell deeply in love with her. Unfortunately, she had an ex partner who has been a nightmare. She had a child by him too. The problem is that due to all the stress and drama caused by her ex, the romance has been los...
A. 17 June 2010: Hard to go through difficult times with love alone. The relationship can result more or less damaged and you don't want to adopt a lackadaisical attitude towards it, and hope that problems are solved by themselves. So it's great that you want to ... (read in full...)
Stay Married or Separate - Stepdaughter issues
Q. I am in my second marriage now for 7 years as of February 2010. I am contemplating separation due to my stepdaughter and I don't feel as if I love my wife. My stepdaughter is 22 now. I came into her life when she was 15 and I sort of knew that this ...
A. 24 September 2009: I bet it's not pleasant at all to have your step daughter treat you like this but I think you ought to consider first and primarily how you get along with the mother to make a final decision. The problem with the daughter comes second here, however ... (read in full...)
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