A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is probably a long shot but prove me wrong, I'm looking for advice from 'successful' step dads out there.I'm a 29 guy dating a 27 year girl with 2 kids (2 and 5). I have found 0 success stories on the internet about being a step dad, espsecially when their ex is causing havoc in the others daily life.We see each other when she hasn't got the kids which is every 2nd weekend, or when shes got a baby sitter. We've been out together as a 'family' to resturants and outings a small number of times. What's it like living with children not of your own? How is everyday life with them like? If we decide to live together how should the household bills be split? Responsibility for feeding and clothing the children? School and education? What else do I need to know?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): Just be yourself around them and everything will work out for the best
A
female
reader, GettingHelp  +, writes (1 September 2010):
With kids that young it shouldn't be too hard.
My boyfriend's stepdad is his hero. He was about 7 when his stepdad came into his life. They get on really well and its almost like he is his real Dad. And why? Because he was there when it counted.
It also depends on how involved the ex is in the child's life.
I can't answer your questions, only that I have many friends with step parents they love and step parents they hate. Its easier when the kids are younger and you're there for them but don't become their father UNLESS their father is absent from their lives. Be there for them, love them, spend time on them and you should have a good result. Just don't try and take their real Dad away from them. And under no circumstance try and "buy" them with gifts, all you will get is resentment. Its when kids feel threatened that they don't like step parents.
But keep your hopes up, there are MANY sucessful stepparents out there. Only reason you can't find them on the internet is because they have nothing to complain about and are too bust spendin time with the kids. :)
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 You are supposed to make the kids the centre of your universe, as they are the mum's, and if she is allowing you this time with her kids by moving in, this should be a big deal. It means she trusts you. For any mum her kids are the most precious treasure and she should be very cautious in regard to their well being. The kids being the most important aspect, you will need to talk thoroughly about this, because it changes your schedule and your lifestyle, some things will surprise you and this will be a learning experience for your career as a dad later on (does she want any more children in the future?) as you help guiding them. The dad should always be nearby, which thing is implicitly known and accepted by you as you move forward with the relationship and take on new attributions in it. Unless he is really a nightmare, nobody can complain that he is in the picture, caring and providing for his kids, he is the father, you - the friend. It is advisable, however, for the parents to agree to a good plan for organising time with the kids - when possible. You can't at all times stick to the schedule. It's regrettable to need to get to court in these cases.Splitting the costs of everything you make a hole in, that is fair. Do the kids receive alimony from their dad? I think you involving in this way is optional for the time being. You still have little time together spent and you are investing a lot by moving in with all this implies, and so does she! Try to be well prepared and know what you get into - maybe don't move in from the start, spend a few days a week at first, see how you get along and how you are handling it. This could be an idea. Remember the "tests" you are doing influence the kids so be mature and responsible. You already are by asking these questions. I'm sure however that if you manage to agree on the important things and take it easy, are well documented and you get along well, you will also manage to adjust to these changes and this could be an inspired decision depending on all these parameters. If you haven't read any success stories, you might as well build your own! Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, jkirk  +, writes (1 September 2010):
I have successfully been a stepdad for 19 years. She was 9 when she moved in with us. It's not that hard to do, you simply accept them for what they are. You daughter/son, and treat them that way. Forget the whole step dad how shall we split bills garbage. You MUST become a family for it to work which means he/she is your child and YOUR responsibility when they are with you. They don't have to call you Dad to be a father figure to them. Although my daughter (sorry step-daughter) does call me Dad. The one thing I have never done is try to be her real father because it jsut ain't happening. Just be you, and love them as your own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I'm not a parent of any kind but I was a stepchild so I can give you pointers on that angle. First off, don't try too hard meaning don't force yourself on the kids buying them too many gifts etc. Let them get a feel for you. Its good that you've been on family outings, but individual time with each child is important. You have to learn about their likes/dislikes, their personalities. Be their friend foremost, watch some tv with them, take them to the park, and when you get to that point where you gain more of their trust, try your hardest not to betray that. Dont make promises you cant keep, youd be surprised at the way one little letdown can make them lose faith. Relax and be yourself, children can sense dishonesty and fakeness. Don't try too hard to fit yourself into the father mold, it's in you and it will naturally emerge. I loved my father and my step-father I saw as a trusted uncle and friend. I loved him differently. Because he didn't push himself on me, I was able to accept and love at my own pace.
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