A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am really quite down and need some advice regarding the relationship with my parents.My parents came to spend xmas with me in Germany and it was difficult work having them with me, my dad is one of these people who has to be doing something but a leg injury prevented him so i was constantly trying to entertain, cook, clean etc.They returned back to UK and since my mum hasn't/won't speak to me coz she thinks i was so moody and my attitude was horrible, which i totally agree. I have tried to call her but i can't speak to an answeing machine!Anyway, i have spoke to my dad a few times since xmas and he has now asked me if they can take my kids on holiday to USA in June (age 7 and 5). My hubby is due to deploy to Afghan in July and i really dont want to let the kids go, what if something happens etc? (Worries).He told me to call him (today) with an answer but i feel as though i've been given an ultimatum: let the kids go or loose my parents!I'm an only child and my kids are the only grandkids. I've been wrecking my brain on how to approach this and am scarred of calling, do i write a letter?, do i text? Do i call? I feel in a box and am having to stop myself reaching for them bottles of wine in the cupboard..... (I know that's not the answer).I feel as though i need an outsiders opinion.Please help me, have i lost my mum and dad?Thank you
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (21 February 2011):
Don't give in if you feel you are being manipulated (which you obviously do). every time you give in to manipulation, it reinforces to them that this tactic works to get what they want. In other words, if you give in this time, you can bet your horses that there will be more times in the future when they will use your kids as pawns to manipulate you and make you feel bad. Don't set yourself up for having to keep repeating this scenario over and again in the future.
You can try to negotiate rather than simply saying NO and getting cut out of their lives. Like say no you won't have the kids sent to them in June, but they are welcome to come visit next xmas, or something like that. But if they really refuse to budge on this, then you need to stand your ground and say no (because if you give in due to their refusal to compromise, it just shows them that all they have to do is refuse to budge and you'll eventually give in). If you lose the relationship with their parents, it won't be your fault or your decision, it would be theirs.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 February 2011):
If there's one thing I really don't like, it's emotional blackmail by parents towards children. In my opinion, it doesn't get much lower. I actually find it disturbing that your parents would put you in this position, and I actually think that it shows you a lot about who they really are.
Personally, I would stick two fingers up and say you won't be blackmailed. But that's me, and I come from a messy family where my own mother did that to her parents. Whether you do that it totally up to you.
But, consider this. Your mother has chosen to not speak because of your attitude. Fine, okay. BUT - you tried to make amends! Nothing. No response. Suddenly, your father is on the phone basically blackmailing you into letting the grandkids go see them on holiday- or you'll lose contact.
What does that show?
It shows that your parents are willing to cut contact with you and your children over one little problem.
What does that mean?
It means there is no way they can possibly care for you or your kids as much as they should.
Seems to me that this is more about you being obedient to their demands, rather than love. There's no way two truly loving grandparents would ever cut contact with their grandchildren. No way.
From my point of view, I think your parents are acting appallingly. I think you've been good. You made a mistake, you tried to make up for it. They're now punishing you for it, not forgiving you and threatening you.
Personally, I wouldn't send the Grandkids on holiday. I would say that because your mother has chosen not to speak, and because you have been blackmailed, you feel you are being put in an impossible position, and that you are being used. Say that you want to speak to your father AND mother seriously about why they are blackmailing you, and why your mother will not get on the phone and at least talk.
If they cut contact, is that really a bad loss?
If they don't, you made your point.
Do not allow two selfish people to blackmail you using your kids - ever. Remember, you have not lost your parents. They have lost you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 Oh that's right, Im sorry, I mixed the months up. I thought your husband left in June and the children would go on holiday in July. That changes things a bit, if you want to have the children at home with the husband and you that makes sense and you shouldn't feel pushed into having them go away. Talk to your husband about this.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 By the way, I understand why you would not like them to go in June while your hubby leaves in July, he may want to be able to see them for that month before he leaves, and you may not trust your parents enough to allow them to have the kids which is OK too, but there must be other activities or trips you can enroll them onto, to help them develop social skills, I don't know at what age this should start or what forms it can take depending on the age bracket but social interaction is important.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 February 2011):
Are you sure you are not over-reacting to this? Your father is speaking to you, but your mother is holding a grudge. Unless you have done something else to cause trouble between yourself and your parents, a one time case of being mooody shouldn't cause someone to loose their parents or loose a relationship with anyone.
Perhaps you should leave a message to the answering machine instead of not doing it out of principle. If you really do want to apologize, or get back in contact with your mother, do what you have to do. Either wait it out and see if she'll contact you first, or crawl to the cross and leave a message. Or write a letter.
However why not let the children go on holiday with their grandparents. Why not tag along yourself? Your husband will be deployed, yes, but sitting at home worrying over him will not make him safer or put him in more harm. If the children want to go then why not let them.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (20 February 2011):
How about calling to tell them, Hello mum and dad, I must thank you so much for your offer to take the kids on holiday, how grateful they are to have such nice, caring grandparents but I've decided I will have the kids stay with me and hubby because I have been planning a lot of things for us to do together this year, "I" will let you know if I need you to have them over, etc. You can refuse to discuss teh topic if they insist too much. Don't invite them over to see their grandkids more often if you don't enjoy their company so much, or maybe politely set a limit of the visits, etc. You're grown up with two kids and afraid to speak to your parents and of hurting their feelings? I hope they are not made of porcelain? Let the kids go or lose my parents, oh my, that sounds so dramatic. Is your husband aware of this funny relationship you have with your parents and isn't he put off by it?Just be reasonable, polite and don't be afraid to spare anyone's feelings, they are YOUR kids after all. Maybe a new attitude is needed in general when it comes to your parents, were they very controlling when you were young or were you very obedient? - but you have an own family now, you're a strong woman and mother of two kids, that girl who has to tiptoe around to not upset the parents should be long forgotten. Maybe you're extrasensitive at this point since your husband is deployed soon, perhaps by being stronger and more decided you can set his mind at rest that everything will be OK while he is away. Best wishes for your family!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Thats a hard thing. I would tell them thats not the best time to have the kids and another time after July would be better. They are also young. Would they travel alone?
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