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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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The minute I start asking questions, he disappears!
Q. Is he gay? My recent ex was caught Googling a website called, "Sucking Cocks". When I asked him about it he claims that it was to watch the women doing it. Googled it I saw a lot of Gay porn. I'm not Gay Bashing, just stating the facts. The s...
A. 11 February 2011: He is emotionally unavailable for what ever reason, it really doesn't matter. Keep the door closed on this one, he is not going to change....he is what he is, not emotionally healthy enough for a real relationship with a real woman.... (read in full...)
Wedding bells or I'm outta here...
Q. After 7 years of living together my boyfriend and I split up and he moved out. We had been fighting all the time, I was very unhappy mostly due to his underemployment and lack of motivation. Three weeks after he found a good job we had another big ...
A. 8 February 2011: Wow, in four days of writing this post and saying that you had fought for a whole year and after 7 years of being together, he finally had enough and packed his things and moved in on a friend's couch and announced to them he is saving for his own ... (read in full...)
He's hot then cold, he's Jekyll then Hyde
Q. Sorry in advance for this long question. But there is a lot to my story. Just over a year ago, I met my boyfriend (who is 5 years older) we were both blown away, not just by how physically attracted we were to each other but also how well we got ...
A. 8 February 2011: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/sandra-says Read all of the above Sandra Says articles, just go to the index link on this article to do that. http://www.obgyn.net/young-wom... (read in full...)
He's hot then cold, he's Jekyll then Hyde
Q. Sorry in advance for this long question. But there is a lot to my story. Just over a year ago, I met my boyfriend (who is 5 years older) we were both blown away, not just by how physically attracted we were to each other but also how well we got ...
A. 8 February 2011: A friend of mine forwarded me your question. The reason being is that she immediately recognizes your relationship "pattern" and the red flag behaviors of your boyfriend and even some mistakes that you are making, the major one we will get to...my ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend's past is causing me stress. What should I do?
Q. So here is the situation, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. I've known for some time that she had slept with my brother before meeting me and that it wasn't anything serious because she has told me many times. She told me they ...
A. 24 January 2011: I think therapy is in order. I don't think that your anxiety medication withdrawal would produce these "issues" you have with your girlfriend, your brother and your relationship.
You have some things to sort out.... (read in full...)
Wedding bells or I'm outta here...
Q. After 7 years of living together my boyfriend and I split up and he moved out. We had been fighting all the time, I was very unhappy mostly due to his underemployment and lack of motivation. Three weeks after he found a good job we had another big ...
A. 23 January 2011: I don't think it takes a man 7 years to decide if you are the ONE he wants to be married to. He doesn't sound like he is at a place in his life where he thinks he can be married to anyone, you mention you've been on him about his "underemployment... (read in full...)
My wife has webcam sex chats with men, and hides things from me. Should I be worried?
Q. My wife does webcam sex chats and hides a lot of stuff from me. Should I be worried? ...
A. 23 January 2011: Oh, for craps sake, she does this for money? She or you can't generate any money any other way? What a load of crap. There are plenty of hourly jobs out there that people are not signing up for, to put your marriage and integrity on the... (read in full...)
I'm pregnant, his ex just had his baby and I don't want him going back and forth between us!
Q. im in love with this guy i been with for about a year, a few months into our relationship, i found out his ex was pregnant from by him.He didnt bothered to tell me he said he was scared he lose me. once the ex call me and told me , i was very upset ...
A. 23 January 2011: Let's do the math...you have been involved with him for a year, in that time he got someone else pregnant and she's had the baby 9 months of that year went by while you were with him. He moved in with her and her parents and let them support him... (read in full...)
My LDR has something going on but won't tell me
Q. Hi there, hope some of you can help settle my mind on a certain situation. I'm involved with a guy who lives long distance, of whom is coming to spend the weekend with me within the next 2-3 weeks. We're really close and share almost everythi...
A. 23 January 2011: "I am involved with a guy who lives long distance and is coming to see me in a couple of weeks:
No where in this sentence does it say that you are in a committed relationship with him, just that you think you are quite close.
A guy who is in lo... (read in full...)
My girlfriend's past is causing me stress. What should I do?
Q. So here is the situation, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. I've known for some time that she had slept with my brother before meeting me and that it wasn't anything serious because she has told me many times. She told me they ...
A. 23 January 2011: Dude, I am going to give you a reality check here. You have been dating a girl for 4 months who is sexually promiscuous. She slept with a really good friend who happens to be your brother, so sex to her is sport. Then she met you and bang, sh... (read in full...)
My wife has webcam sex chats with men, and hides things from me. Should I be worried?
Q. My wife does webcam sex chats and hides a lot of stuff from me. Should I be worried? ...
A. 23 January 2011: Why do you want to be with a narcissistic, pathological woman who gets off controling men, including you.
I say run like your hair is on fire. She has bad character, low empathy and no morals. She is simply not worth it. If you don't have kid... (read in full...)
I am bothered by the thought of my ex moving on. What does this mean?
Q. My boyfriend and I dated for about a year and a half. I broke up with him because we were both in college and we were in different places in life. I was just starting college and he was graduating, and he resented me wanting to party because he ...
A. 23 January 2011: I say don't forget the gross factor, the fact that he "moved on" by having sex with your close friend is all you need to know, he is through with you and he chose her to rub your nose in it, don't be stupid. Don't make the mistake of second guessi... (read in full...)
Are my girlfriend's sexual issues common in women? Is there something I can do to make the experience more enjoyable for her?
Q. My girlfriend and I are sexually active. After having sex for a bit, she will ask me if I am about done. After she asks me this question, I just stop, or other times she will say it's hurting her. We use a lot of lube. Is this normal for women? Is ...
A. 23 January 2011: I think your relationship may be too focused on sex, and no I am not taking into consideration that it is once or twice a week so what the hell am I talking about...
Instead of putting the focus on your sex, put the focus on your relation... (read in full...)
My wife contributes very little to our relationship
Q. My wife and I have been married for two years and I'm worried about our future because she contributes very little to our relationship. I bring in 100% of the money (I'm putting her through college), but in return she doesn't clean, cook, take ...
A. 23 January 2011: Gaining 10 pounds a year in two years at her age is a real red flag that something is going on, unless you are exagerating the weight gain, that is a lot of weight.
She may be in fact depressed and doesn't have the energy to do her chores and perh... (read in full...)
Younger lover wants his space, should I help him? Or leave it alone?
Q. I have been living with my partner for 6 years but he just announced that he wants to move out because he needs his own space.I was very upset as I took this to mean our relationship was over, but he said he wanted to live somewhere else, but spend ...
A. 22 October 2010: The other thing that would concern me if I were you is the fact that you have been cohabitating for 6 years. I have no idea what the laws are in Australia concerning property rights or how to end such a relationship, but perhaps having him move to ... (read in full...)
Younger lover wants his space, should I help him? Or leave it alone?
Q. I have been living with my partner for 6 years but he just announced that he wants to move out because he needs his own space.I was very upset as I took this to mean our relationship was over, but he said he wanted to live somewhere else, but spend ...
A. 22 October 2010: I dated a man 15 years younger than myself for two years and he was in financial straits when I met him and there was lot's of drama with his baby mama. He eventually moved in with me, I helped him secure a better job as I got hired for the same ... (read in full...)
Am I throwing away 13 years of marriage for no good reason/
Q. this is probably a strange thing to be dealing with but i dont know what to do it all started about 2 years ago me and my husband was in bed going to sleep when he recieved a text message from his friends girlfriend (whom he doesnt know and has ...
A. 22 October 2010: From the way you describe things it seems to me that these co workers have a very crude way of talking to each other and they have very misogynistic attitudes about women and treat them as if they are just objects and the fact that this one guy's ... (read in full...)
Snooping through his phone I found a text message to his ex saying I mean nothing to him!
Q. While sneaking through my boyfriend of 3 months phone, I found a email to his ex-wife stating that I am nothing to him, should I confront him??...
A. 22 October 2010: My concerns are that you are calling this man your boyfriend after only knowing him for three months and you are in your late 40's? If you are spending 24/7 with this guy this soon ESPECIALLY after his divorce, it is not because he is just that ... (read in full...)
He wants his ex and me!
Q. I am seeing and older man, almost 30 years my senior. Everything we do is amazing, it is the best relationship i've had. The age gap is a problem, and we both know it is never going to be a longterm thing. But the problem is this started over a ...
A. 22 October 2010: I agree with the first poster, and You are a Rebound. Simply say I wish you well hope things work out this time with your ex, but if they don't, please don't call me.
This is not an appropriate relationship for you, so move on, you don't ow... (read in full...)
Should I get pregnant knowing my fiance doesn't want another child?
Q. My fiance and I have 3 boys (5,2,1 week), i just gave birth to a baby on 10/14. I desperately want to try for a girl and he doesn't want anymore children. 2 are his and 1 is from a previous relationship. He now wants to use condoms and get me on ...
A. 21 October 2010: Personally, I think you should stop having any more children period. This man is not your husband, he can walk away with little more than being responsible for child support. This is not a stable environment for raising children.
Get the marr... (read in full...)
How can I turn this around?
Q. I am 32 the same age as my girlfriend. we have recently moved in together, i have started university i am finding it hard and quite stressful. as a result of this my sex drive has diminished somewhat. my girlfriend finds this very difficult and gets ...
A. 21 October 2010: Dude, this is not a good situation.
You have to do what you can to do to make this better and understand that your girlfriend is feeling deeply rejected and sees your excuse as just that.
If you are stressed out over school find ways to red... (read in full...)
Why would my boyfriend do that? am really hurt:
Q. my boyfriend has been chattinng to this girl who likes him.. shes been really flirty with him. i saw her text messages yesterday and i replied back to her.. i asked my bf he said i have nothing to worry about and that i have no idea how ...
A. 21 October 2010: Instead of making a big deal over the texts which you cannot control anyway...ask him to introduce you to this "friend" and meet her for drinks, then make sure you are very friendly to her and let her know that you aren't the least bit worried about ... (read in full...)
We are eventually getting married why won't he talk about it?
Q. Why is it a problem for me to mention marriage and/or anything about marriage and/or weddings to my boyfriend? We are not engaged yet, but he says we will be eventually. Why can't I talk about these things with him? This has been my life-long dream: ...
A. 21 October 2010: I think it is pretty impossible for any one here to make a judgement call about why your boyfriend won't talk about marriage with you when he has told you eventually he will get married....but did he say he would marry you?
If he hasn't said tha... (read in full...)
Would a guy pick the girl with the big boobs?
Q. embarrassing question... :S would a guy rather a girl with an athletic body, LOTS of muscle, long legs, a six pack, and a good bum but has small boobs (A)... or would he rather a girl with an average or skinny body, with big boobs? both girls hav...
A. 21 October 2010: I think it is very sad that you are reducing yourself to a piece of meat and wondering if you are the right cut of meat for men out there. Why are you consumed with shallow things? You aren't going to attract a man who likes the real you because... (read in full...)
Girls say its small! Is it?
Q. I'm 20 and I want to know why girls keep telling Me that my 7" long 6" girth penis is small? is it small or what? please answer. ...
A. 21 October 2010: Stop asking about your size and dude, stop watching porn. Camera angles do amazing things with an average penis and porn is fantasy, not reality.
Put your other head to work and stop being such a bone head, you are f'in annoying these women.... (read in full...)
Bisexual or just curious
Q. Hey Guys and Gals... Don't know what I'm really looking for here, suppose its for someone to relate so it doesn't all feel so bizarre and illicit. Basically, I'm a straight girl, virgin, no real experience to speak of, but very into guys. I ...
A. 21 October 2010: I think you are simply bombarded by sexual images and messages in the current culture and you are going down a dangerous slope to want to have an encounter with a female.
Have some morals. Stop watching porn and date boys. Stop this mental m... (read in full...)
I'm worried it is just becoming habit instead of having meaning!
Q. My boyfriend and I are together for around 8 months for now. And recently, we started to sleep together, yes just sleeping and heavy petting which includes me giving him handjob and blowjobs and him fingering me. However, I have discussed with h...
A. 21 October 2010: I think you are very confused about sex quite frankly. You are already having sex, you are giving him blow jobs for God's sake. I think you are feeling something else on his part other than "habit", it's called sexual frustration.
Why are you... (read in full...)
Another Porn Issue
Q. Again....another porn issue. My boyfriend (who will be 50 next year) has 1182 snipettes of short porn movies, at least 3 folders of nude 20 somethings for his viewing pleasure and he doesn't understand why I might have an issue with this. I don't ...
A. 21 October 2010: I think you have nothing to worry about as far as competition with the images. I do think you have something to worry about in your feelings of respect for the man...you've lost some because of his porn use. Frankly I think it is an immature male ... (read in full...)
I am friends with my ex boyfriend but he now has a controlling girlfriend what should I do?
Q. Past few months I have started talking to my ex again and have become good friends. However, he has a girlfriend and basically, she is not nice and has in the past been very controlling of him and has been possessive. He has mentioned to me that ...
A. 21 October 2010: I am with the new girlfriend. Back off and leave them alone. Obviously your ex is a user more than likely or he wouldn't be keeping you on a string by being your "good friend". Bull shit. There is always a sexual attraction between exex, ... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 21 October 2010: I am not surprised by this news. I think this is obviously a deeply ingrained behavior, and I think it points to some psychological issues as well that he isn't willing to work on.
I fully support your choice for what it's worth!... (read in full...)
Sick of sleeping on the couch without sex or intimacy.
Q. I have living with a man for apprx 6 months now. He never seems to want to have sex, maybe once every 2 weeks. He was never any different but I had thought that in the beginning it was because he was a bit shy and insecure. But after so long that ...
A. 21 October 2010: Well making a commitment to you and asking for marriage but then agreeing to a living arrangement is kind of settling on his part and he may be quite frankly passive agressive. Withholding love and sex is a form of passive agressiveness and it is a ... (read in full...)
He said I'm way to young for him at the moment... what do I do?
Q. hey, im 14 and i met this boy, ive known him for around a year now, and everday i just become more and more in love with him, he likes me to and hes told me that im way to young at the moment. what do i do, the age difference is 5 years....
A. 17 October 2010: He's right, you are way too young for him at your age. He's not interested in dating you. You have a crush on him and that's all. What do you do? Stop obsessing so much about this one guy. He is actually more attractive to you because you can't ... (read in full...)
Same problem is rearing its ugly head again and I need your advice!
Q. I have been married for thirty years. About 20 years ago my husband had a three year relationship with another woman that caused me to have a breakdown. I have had trust issues ever since. He has since had what he says is a friendship with ...
A. 17 October 2010: I don't know why you are with a man you cannot trust. So what if you are in your 50's. Plan your divorce, get the best divorce attorney in your area and file first...ask for what you're do and go enjoy your life without a man who doesn't really ... (read in full...)
Wanted men's opinion... Is a silk or woollen scarf a good gift for men?
Q. Men... What do you think? Is a scarf especially a silk or a woollen scarf a good gift for a man?...
A. 17 October 2010: Yeah, it really does depend on your guy. If he loves clothes and he wants to look like he stepped out of fashion magazine and lives in a cold climate, then a wool scarf is something he probably won't buy for himself.
That said, I think the best... (read in full...)
Insecurities about my dick!
Q. My penis is just shy of 6 inches long and 4.75 inches around - my girlfriend had a larger than average pussy - I can get 4 fingers in her when wet easily and she says she has had larger dicks than mine before - she reckons 7/7.5 inches long and ...
A. 17 October 2010: What you can do to get over this is to stop asking your girl if she's had bigger penis's than yours because if she has been around she's had bigger she's had smaller.
Women don't fall in love with a penis, they fall in love with a man and although... (read in full...)
Sick of sleeping on the couch without sex or intimacy.
Q. I have living with a man for apprx 6 months now. He never seems to want to have sex, maybe once every 2 weeks. He was never any different but I had thought that in the beginning it was because he was a bit shy and insecure. But after so long that ...
A. 17 October 2010: I think what you are finding out after living with this guy for 6 months is that you are deeply incompatible. Further, if you moved in with him without the commitment of marriage, living together is only going to drive him away not bring him ... (read in full...)
Have any of you guys dealt with this kind of insecurity and jealousy before?
Q. I was recently dating this woman who I felt very strongly for. Unfortunately, she was very insecure. Her ex had cheated on her numerous times. Anyways, she began accusing me of seeing another woman, which wasn't true. Nothing I said to her could ...
A. 17 October 2010: You asked for my advice so I am going to tell you what I think about her.
She's got deeper problems than insecurity or trust issues. Everyone has been hurt by a lover unless you happen to be their first one.
She's on a dating site, she's look... (read in full...)
Why is my husband texting this woman so much?
Q. Why is my husband texting another woman? I looked at his phone and he has texed a lot to lots of people that he works for because he is in charge of training for his company. Most of the people are people that are on his same level in the company ...
A. 17 October 2010: Your bedroom habits have nothing to do with your husband texting another woman, that is just simply retarded....he's just as responsible for keeping it interesting if not more so than you are. It is not your adequacy in the bedroom that is leading ... (read in full...)
Working in a prison, I've fallen in love with a prisoner
Q. I work in a prison as a librarian and seem to have fallen for a prisoner. He has told me that he likes me. I just don't know what to do. He's out in 6 weeks and seems very geniune about the possibility of us. I havent given too much away to him as ...
A. 17 October 2010: Please go to this website and read about psychopathic men and how charming they are.
For God's sake don't go out with this man, he's in prison that should be all you need to know. You are probably a woman with an excessive amount of empathy ... (read in full...)
My new husband just found out he's the father of his ex's baby
Q. My husband and I dated for almost 2 years before recently getting married. Just a few days after the ceremony, we got a call from his crazy ex girlfriend who had never left us alone the whole time we had been together. She was saying she just had a ...
A. 17 October 2010: I don't know you or your husband, but I just wanted to point out the obvious to you.
Crazy ex girlfriends that don't leave you and your new boyfriend alone the entire time you were together don't stick around like that because they are crazy. ... (read in full...)
Therapy in books?
Q. Hi, I am 13 years old. This isnt much of a relationship question, but I desperatly need some answers. Ok, so I have been really depressed and I feel unloved and unwanted and unneeded. So I want to read a really good book. I want to read a fiction ...
A. 16 October 2010: Yes, the Wuthering Heights book is one of the most downer love stories, but one word of caution, this book is about a totally dysfunctional love relationship and the danger is that you will buy into this load of crap as being what love and romance ... (read in full...)
Why is my husband texting this woman so much?
Q. Why is my husband texting another woman? I looked at his phone and he has texed a lot to lots of people that he works for because he is in charge of training for his company. Most of the people are people that are on his same level in the company ...
A. 16 October 2010: I think you have every reason and right to be worried. It is your job to protect your relationship. It could be that he is friends with this woman, but it really is more likely that he harbors a crush for her and needs the ego stroking that she ... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 19 September 2010: http://eczemafree.org/8/what-causes-eczema/
Has your husband figured out yet what causes his excema? One thing that you should be doing if you aren not, is to use a laundry detergent that is completely free of perfumes and harsh chemical... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 16 September 2010: I would show him your letter to us, and I would give him a couple of weeks to clean up his act and then tell him there will be consequences if he doesn't take this seriously. Like you will not have sex with him or kiss him until he gets into a daily ... (read in full...)
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