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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 21 October 2010: I am not surprised by this news. I think this is obviously a deeply ingrained behavior, and I think it points to some psychological issues as well that he isn't willing to work on.
I fully support your choice for what it's worth!... (read in full...)
Why is my husband texting this woman so much?
Q. Why is my husband texting another woman? I looked at his phone and he has texed a lot to lots of people that he works for because he is in charge of training for his company. Most of the people are people that are on his same level in the company ...
A. 17 October 2010: Your bedroom habits have nothing to do with your husband texting another woman, that is just simply retarded....he's just as responsible for keeping it interesting if not more so than you are. It is not your adequacy in the bedroom that is leading ... (read in full...)
Therapy in books?
Q. Hi, I am 13 years old. This isnt much of a relationship question, but I desperatly need some answers. Ok, so I have been really depressed and I feel unloved and unwanted and unneeded. So I want to read a really good book. I want to read a fiction ...
A. 16 October 2010: Yes, the Wuthering Heights book is one of the most downer love stories, but one word of caution, this book is about a totally dysfunctional love relationship and the danger is that you will buy into this load of crap as being what love and romance ... (read in full...)
Voice your opinion on giving 12 year old children iPhones and the access to FREE PORN that Safari browser gives them.
Q. I would just like to know what parents out there or any one for that matter thinks about the fact that in our society we protect our children from movies with inappropriate sexual content with NC-17 ratings, but we hand them and iPhone as young as ...
A. 16 October 2010: Um, I own an iPhone and it most certainly is capable of downloading porn videos from the sites like pornhub, these porn sites target iPhones and have videos supported by what ever software is on the iPhone, so you're wrong about that. There are ... (read in full...)
Why is my husband texting this woman so much?
Q. Why is my husband texting another woman? I looked at his phone and he has texed a lot to lots of people that he works for because he is in charge of training for his company. Most of the people are people that are on his same level in the company ...
A. 16 October 2010: I think you have every reason and right to be worried. It is your job to protect your relationship. It could be that he is friends with this woman, but it really is more likely that he harbors a crush for her and needs the ego stroking that she ... (read in full...)
When is my bad luck going to end?
Q. when is my bad luck going to end, nothing in my life has been simple. people may say "oh just get over it, your life is what you make it" but nothing i do ends up being simple, i reckon iv gone through more in my 20years of being on this earth then ...
A. 16 October 2010: Your life is simply happening to you because when you were a child you learned to normalize bad behavior as a survival mechanism in your dysfunctional family environment. You gave over your internal locus of control and believe that external locus ... (read in full...)
How to find a girl for our 3some?
Q. My boyfriend and I are looking to have a threesome and we are excited about it. I'm 21, he's 33. However I have no idea how we can find a girl we both like, who likes us both!! I've been on about every dating site looking for a girl, found noth...
A. 16 October 2010: What you do is find a boyfriend who is not a pervert. What are you doing at 21 with a loser 33 year old who is probably a nut case and can't attract a woman in his own age group because he lacks relationship skills.
He's using you for sex and ... (read in full...)
I don't want him to play me... I'd rather play on him!
Q. I met a guy about a month ago and we were hitting it off pretty well. We were spending every day together. He was sending me flowers, chocolate, took me on lots of dates and never failed to compliment me and tell me how special i was to him and how ...
A. 16 October 2010: I don't like your statement that you want to play him, seriously, that is just vindictive.
You met the guy a month ago, he isn't your boyfriend, he didn't offer you a relationship, he courted you and he decided to go back to his ex. He didn't r... (read in full...)
Is she interested in me or just making a sale?
Q. Need an opinion from the crowd: I went to see a movie today and afterwards stopped at a jewellery store because I needed to buy a watch. The girl working the counter was very attractive and I found myself chatting with her quite a bit while she fill...
A. 16 October 2010: I am in sales, salespeople are chatty and they build rapport by trying to be personal with you and find some common ground.
You have no basis to determine that she is interested in getting to know you or date you based on a conversation had in a... (read in full...)
Wife wasn't happy about my marriage proposal, what can I do about it now?
Q. Hi there This is a question for men and women! I'm looking forward to get answers from both, male and female! I proposed my now-wife 1 1/2 years ago. She said yes, but was very disappointed by the way I asked. So I asked her a second time beca...
A. 16 October 2010: She sounds like a complete spoiled bitch...to throw up to you that her brother surprised his girl with a weekend in Paris, who the hell does she think she is and why do you owe her a trip to Paris to ask her to marry her.
Tell her you want the... (read in full...)
Conference Call During Dinner Date Bad, or Wife Overreacting?
Q. What's the word out there on a husband who suggests an early dinner to his wife. ; she says she's not very hungry but will keep him company and enjoy a glass of wine. Food is ordered and husband announces he is expecting a phone call. Turns ou...
A. 16 October 2010: What is worse than the conference call was the way he handled your feelings about it. He insisted on paying the check when the food was ordered and not allowing you to eat the meal he asked you to have with him.
He's a friggin control freak an... (read in full...)
Is this teacher actually flirting with me?
Q. well basically im 14 and i need to know if my teacher was flirting with me or just having a laugh so heres the story.... my friend was talking to him and i was messing about saying stop flirting with teachers and he turned around and said stop fli...
A. 16 October 2010: If he's in his forties he should know better than to joke around with you like this. I'd just steer clear from any personal interaction with him. He sounds like he just has an ego problem or something, but he hasn't done anything to you to ... (read in full...)
Jealousy and Birth Control
Q. MODERATOR'S NOTE: Two questions from same asker combined: Q: 1 I am deeply in love with my boyfriend and bestfriend, will call him Victor. Victor and I are quite compatible, so for the most part things rolls along smoothly, but I do have a probl...
A. 16 October 2010: Not sure you can get HPV from a handshake, but many many people have the virus and have no symptoms, but the form of virus that they have is not the same one that causes cancers. There are 42 strains of the HPV virus that does and it can even live ... (read in full...)
My kids are Jekyll and Hyde
Q. Hi there, I just really want to know how other parents cope with teens. My two are 16 and 13 and they can be utterly horrendous at times which we have put down to hormones and try to deal with it the best we can. My husband and I seem to spend th...
A. 16 October 2010: After your post, I highly recommend you get the Covey book I mentioned at your library or off Amazon...he has also written one about how to have happy teens, which I have not read.
Your family has gone off track and that is what is showing ... (read in full...)
I wonder if the pat on the knee was a subtle pass ... or not!
Q. Have just started to get a lift into work (for just over a week) from a colleague who has moved to the area nearby, we work in different offices in our company so have only really talked and gotten to know each other a little during the mornings, ...
A. 16 October 2010: Hard to tell, but patting you on the knee and telling you to have a good day seems kind of weird to me...I'd be careful, most normal guys aren't quite so smooooth....and they don't touch a woman without being invited to do so.... (read in full...)
My kids are Jekyll and Hyde
Q. Hi there, I just really want to know how other parents cope with teens. My two are 16 and 13 and they can be utterly horrendous at times which we have put down to hormones and try to deal with it the best we can. My husband and I seem to spend th...
A. 16 October 2010: It sounds to me there is a lot positive going on with your parenting style and with your kids, so give yourself cudos for that. It is kind of difficult to diagnose the problems with this sibling rivalry without observing the overall family dynamic ... (read in full...)
Update to my previous "non reciprocated crush" question
Q. I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/to-me-it-seems-i-am-being-selfish.html I was glad to take CindyCare's advice, until my friend emailed me two days ago with a bizarre one sentence email about watching a ...
A. 16 October 2010: This girl is baiting you. If she has abandonment issues and she self professes this, stay away.
You don't go into any detail as to why this is a woman who you want to get away from or that you are better off without, but if you logically know thi... (read in full...)
Does this teacher feel the same way for me?
Q. My teacher is from america and is actually rather handsome. He's only 23 and im just nearly 16. At first we never talked but after a while we got used to each other and now talk an awful lot. He's even offered to let me use his house when i do a ...
A. 16 October 2010: He is showing his gross immaturity by crossing boundaries with you and getting too personal by offering his house to you while you studied abroad. He's either been warned or suddenly realized how he is coming off to you. He doesn't have a crush, ... (read in full...)
Is this teacher actually flirting with me?
Q. well basically im 14 and i need to know if my teacher was flirting with me or just having a laugh so heres the story.... my friend was talking to him and i was messing about saying stop flirting with teachers and he turned around and said stop fli...
A. 16 October 2010: I think his comments to you are simply stupidly immature and I don't think he is flirting with you, but trying badly to relate to you on your level.
Is he young, in his 20's? He simply sounds inexperienced as a teacher and thinks he's being cu... (read in full...)
Will telling him my feelings scare him away?
Q. Hi - Maybe this is just my insecurities or maybe it is real. We have been FWB for the last months. Long distance one. He used to be the one showing lots of interest in spending time with me and I always had feelings for him. He is the one wanting ...
A. 16 October 2010: If you are a FWB you do not have a relationship of any sort, you really aren't even friends in the true definition of friends because friends don't use friends, he is simply giving you the semblance of friendship...the fact of the matter is that he ... (read in full...)
My body aches all over the day after we have sex!
Q. I have a really weird problem. I've been with my man for a few months now. Problem is the day after we have sex my body aches. My limbs feel bruised and my ribs are very painful. He's not rough with me and I understand that having sex means your ...
A. 16 October 2010: Don't have sex in positions that your body is not used to being in until you do some stretching and warming up. Start a daily or three times a week exercise regimen. You may be simply out of shape.
You say he isn't rough with you, but I beg to d... (read in full...)
I realized that he was watching porn as I was cooking his dinner. Why does he hurt me this way?
Q. im with my bf 9 months now and when i got with him things werent so good as i just split up from an x things got really good and i changed everything for him how i dressed my friends and feel like a totally new person. he has accused me of looking ...
A. 16 October 2010: Honestly this sounds like an abusive relationship to me.
He is manipulating you and abusing you by having lack of empathy for your feelings and blatantly watching porn while you are cooking his meals.
These are all huge red flags in this re... (read in full...)
What constitutes actually losing your virginity?
Q. There are many questions posted about losing virginity on this board? But I want to know exactly what it means by losing virginity. (1)Penetration of the penis into the vagina, with the result that the woman's hymen is broken. For both the mal...
A. 16 October 2010: The hymen has nothing to do with losing your virginity unless of course you have a hymen, many girls don't because it is broken riding horses, or physical exams as a child due to yeast infections, etc.
Losing your virginity is penetrative sex. An... (read in full...)
My boyfriend is being weird !
Q. i had sex with my boyfriend for the first time(am not a virgin) after, he said it felt right but he feels guilty cos he was selfish and would've waited till i was sure./.. but i was sure..he asked me 5times if i were sure and i said yes each tim...
A. 16 October 2010: I think your boyfriend is being weird because he is not being genuine with you, he's playing a head game. He mostly is in this for this sex you are giving him and he is feeling guilty about using you, and he is looking for your agreement because he ... (read in full...)
Am I lowering my standards or changing for the better?
Q. MODERATOR'S NOTE: TWO questions from same asker combined. Q: 1 I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf. We met each other during our exchange studies, spent more than half a year physically together. This is my first serious relationship...
A. 16 October 2010: You know what I think? I think you are wasting your time and emotional energy on this relationship. I know you think it is your first serious relationship and that is only because you are inexperienced at dating and at love. I am here to tell you ... (read in full...)
Jealousy and Birth Control
Q. MODERATOR'S NOTE: Two questions from same asker combined: Q: 1 I am deeply in love with my boyfriend and bestfriend, will call him Victor. Victor and I are quite compatible, so for the most part things rolls along smoothly, but I do have a probl...
A. 16 October 2010: Question no 2. Tell your mother that you want to have sex with your boyfriend and to make an appointment with your doctor to have a physical and get on birth control.
Understand one thing. Having sex at your young age puts you at a very high ris... (read in full...)
My boyfriend told me his ex is better in bed. Should I leave him?
Q. I have been dating this great wonderful guy for close to 8 months now. I'm attractive, intelligent and well liked. I have never been single or had problems getting dates. I am far from promiscous as my total number of guys I have slept with is 4 (I ...
A. 16 October 2010: So how's this working for you? How happy are you currently in your relationship, an update, please.... (read in full...)
Break up and close the book!
Q. So it's been over a week since i had the last episode with my boyfriend flip out drinking session...I have been doing good regarding not drinking...I've aplogized many times to him over e-mail and the last time i saw him over a week when i left his ...
A. 22 September 2010: It's only been one week since your flip out drunk with your boyfriend and you think you're doing good with the whole drinking thing? And you just can't wait any longer because he told you that he needs his space?
I think regulating your emotions... (read in full...)
I don't want my boyfriend to touch me or see me naked!
Q. I don't want my boyfriend to see me naked! He keeps telling me that I'm beautiful and that he'd love to see my body but I'm really self conscious cause I was made fun of for my body and looks for 3 years. I was depressed and anorexic and bulimic and ...
A. 19 September 2010: You are too young to be having sex. Your body may be ready, but you are not ready emotionally or psychologically to handle the emotions that come up during sex, as well as the inevitable break up that will follow. Boys want one thing and they wil... (read in full...)
I kept breaking up with him, and now I've lost him for good!
Q. my boyfriend and i have been having relationship problems. I keep screwing up, him and my best friend used to date but it only lasted a week. and now they cant stand each other/hate each other. My boyfriend used to be a loner. didnt go out much, ...
A. 19 September 2010: Please do not let your desperation to be married and start a family at the grave OLD age of 21 make you settle for a guy who hasn't finished high school, has no job, lives at home and has some sort of disorder that makes him want to live like a ... (read in full...)
My ex is mad because I told his girlfriend the truth
Q. My ex boyfriend and i have been talking hanging out and trying to get back together again. We met up one night even though we hadnt talked for a year and started kissing and walking on the beach after that he said he was going to break up with hi...
A. 19 September 2010: A guy who has true intentions will not tell an ex girlfriend that he is trying to let the current girlfriend down easily so that he can be with her. He is clearly a liar. If he really was sincere, he would break up with her, period....end of... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 19 September 2010: http://eczemafree.org/8/what-causes-eczema/
Has your husband figured out yet what causes his excema? One thing that you should be doing if you aren not, is to use a laundry detergent that is completely free of perfumes and harsh chemical... (read in full...)
My boyfriend is depressed about cheating on his wife and leaving her for me
Q. I'm very confused about my boyfriends feelings for me. We didn't start in an ideal way, we were both married and left our spouses because we knew after a couple of months that we wanted to be together. He is currently living with me, everything ...
A. 18 September 2010: I'm a little confused too, because you are sort of talking out of two sides of your mouth.
You said you met and you were both married and you both left your spouses because you knew you wanted to be together and in only two months (either after a ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend told me his ex is better in bed. Should I leave him?
Q. I have been dating this great wonderful guy for close to 8 months now. I'm attractive, intelligent and well liked. I have never been single or had problems getting dates. I am far from promiscous as my total number of guys I have slept with is 4 (I ...
A. 18 September 2010: I am not going to comment on what he said to you about the sex, but my question for you is why are you so focused on the sex you are giving him as a way to keep him?
Have you told him what you want out of this relationship? Has he told you he i... (read in full...)
I'm too old to get pregnant at 39, right?
Q. I thought i already post last 2 days ago and i cant find my post so here i am again writing again. Hello to all, i just wanna ask something. I am 39 years old. 4 days after my days i took a pills. But then i realize i am already old so i stop my...
A. 17 September 2010: I would not put stock in the statements that it is unlikely you won't get pregnant at your age. My aunt had a baby at 50, yup you got it 50 and that was a Whoops, surprise. Stay on birth control, or have your tubes tied or have your husband get a ... (read in full...)
How do I help raise her daughter knowing she isn't my child?
Q. So, my girlfriend and I broke up when she moved away to go to college. While she was there, Her then boyfriend got her pregnant and turned out to be a deadbeat. She came back, and we're together again and engaged. Recently, she decided she didn't ...
A. 17 September 2010: Well, you start by getting your mind and heart wrapped around the concept that children are not possessions, they are a gift from God, they are innocent and are totally dependant on the love and care they receive from their caregivers in order to ... (read in full...)
How can I start making money of my own? and how can I get rid of my acne without seeing a doctor?
Q. Hey are u ready to hear one of my many questions? If so, then pull up a chair. With the times a little rough, its hard to get some of the stuff I want and need. My mom can't always buy me the coolest brand of shoe or a funny graphic tee (my usual ...
A. 17 September 2010: Great ideas for earning some money at the age of 13, and who knows you just might like your new jobs. As far as the acne goes, yes, it is a common teenage problem due to fluctuating hormones that cause you to produce more oil. Acne is not cau... (read in full...)
They should NEVER be together!!!
Q. I have a 21 year old son, he has been dating his girl friend for 2 years, she is 19. They are both great kids.... when they are not together. Together as a couple they are poison. They think they love each other but both my wife and I and her ...
A. 17 September 2010:
I am going to go out on a limb here and tell you that you can try to have a dialogue with your son about people with personality disorders. You don't have to start out blaming him or telling him his girlfriend is an abuser, but from your desc... (read in full...)
How do you mend a broken heart?
Q. It's the age old question really. I guess many people have come on here to ask for help regarding this but hi everyone. How do you mend a broken heart? My boyfriend of two years and I split last week and well... I'm really not coping well I gu...
A. 17 September 2010: http://www.enotalone.com/article/2725.html
This article is several pages long, so click on the numbers at the bottom of each page.
There really isn't anything that is going to miraculously cure your broken heart. Break ups suck, they hurt ... (read in full...)
They should NEVER be together!!!
Q. I have a 21 year old son, he has been dating his girl friend for 2 years, she is 19. They are both great kids.... when they are not together. Together as a couple they are poison. They think they love each other but both my wife and I and her ...
A. 16 September 2010: Honestly, it sounds to me like one or the other of these two has a personality disorder, most likely the girl. Borderline Personality Disorder. It doesn't mean that they can't be great kids when on their own, but it does indicate that there is a ... (read in full...)
They should NEVER be together!!!
Q. I have a 21 year old son, he has been dating his girl friend for 2 years, she is 19. They are both great kids.... when they are not together. Together as a couple they are poison. They think they love each other but both my wife and I and her ...
A. 16 September 2010: Wow, this is a tough one especially since your son is considered an adult.
I am not sure there is much you can do except to point out to him his behavior and how toxic this relationship is.
You seem to know of instances of binge drinking a... (read in full...)
I feel like we don't have anything in common, what should I do?
Q. hi, i have a little problem. i got married young and we been togeather for 5 years and married for 2, we have 2 kids togeather.well lately ive been questioning my relationship with my husband and i feel like we are not meant for eachother i felt ...
A. 16 September 2010: It is a myth that you and your spouse have to have a lot in common. Who wants to marry themselves.
You have children now, you owe it to those kids to do the work of marriage, and if you thought you were signing up for a life of romantic walks an... (read in full...)
He tolerates my bad attitude...so should I rethink about breaking up with him?
Q. I met this nice guy online last year. we have not met as of yet because of my blowing up. I guess I blow up because I am not understanding of what is going on. and when I blow up he does not know the reason why I did that. so we have had some bad ...
A. 16 September 2010: Hey, I am not in the military, not a military wife, don't even have close friends who are, but God bless the men and women in the military.
With respect, am I missing something here? I don't see this as an established or committed relation... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 16 September 2010: I would show him your letter to us, and I would give him a couple of weeks to clean up his act and then tell him there will be consequences if he doesn't take this seriously. Like you will not have sex with him or kiss him until he gets into a daily ... (read in full...)
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