A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have 3 boys (5,2,1 week), i just gave birth to a baby on 10/14. I desperately want to try for a girl and he doesn't want anymore children. 2 are his and 1 is from a previous relationship. He now wants to use condoms and get me on birth control, but i want to try again so i thought of putting holes in the condoms so i can get pregnant again. i know its a little extreme but i don't think i can get him to not use condoms now after he thinks my birth control failed since i got pregnant this last time. He didnt want another child after his 1st but he loves our new one as much as he does our first. Should I try to get pregnant again? I want to try as soon as 6 weeks is up so they can be close in age.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): You have 3 healthy children that should be enough for you. You are thinking of tricking your husband into getting you pregnant again because YOU want a girl. Grow the hell up and stop being so selfish. Be grateful for what you have, you've just had a baby and should concentrate on being a mother. Some people can't have children and would give anything to have what you do.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Those poor 3 boys. They will be so happy growing up to feel like they are second best and not-what-they-really-should-have-been.
Because they WILL feel it if you don't stop right now with this nonsnense.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (22 October 2010):
 You seem very selfish. It may be the hormones talking right now, but it still seems selfish. If you were the one not wanting to get pregnant, how would you feel if you "accidentally" did? And of course he's going to love the new child even if he didn't want it. It's HIS child, HIS genes, it's automatic love.
You have three kids already, isn't that enough? How do you plan on supporting another? Kids are expensive if you haven't already learned that. I would be so mad if my fiance trapped me into pregnancy, I might even consider leaving him. Did you ever think about that option? What if he got so mad that he left you?
But, if you really do want another child, wait a while, like six months to a year. Then, if you still feel this way, sit him down and talk about it. If he still says no, my previous comments take over again.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Imagine if he impregnated you agianst your will, and forced you to carry the baby to term. I think there's a word for that, actually.
I understand that post-partum hormones make people crazy, but that is precisely why you should not be making any major decisions right now.
If the father is working to support the children, it's far worse because he will have to work much harder for the next 18 years just for this one decision. If you care about your finace, your current children, or any children you may (or may not) have in the future, keep things above the table, and work *with* your man, not behind his back.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 So two are his and then you have your current baby? He has three children total to support and take care. Hopefully he has a great job or you both are employed..Plus if the mother of his children have custody of them, then I'm sure he's paying a pretty penny in child support. So in his defense I can see why he doesn't want anymore children.
On the other hand I can connect with you on wanting a baby, I've been trying for 4 months. And you can't control when you're going to get pregnant unless you're one of those fertile myrtles, I envy you. Nor, can you control the sex..like Dr. Psych said it depends on the male. My aunt 47 has 3 boys and 2 years ago finally had a girl...So there's no telling if you're going to get your girl. Calm down my friend, allow yourself a break. After, you get married see if he'll change his mind. You don't want to go poking holes in the condom and getting pregnant when the baby isn't wanted. Bring a baby into a engagement/marriage when it's wanted.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I think you should stop having babies for a while. You don't control the sex of the baby - that is the job of the male. You may well end up pregnant with another boy, and another and another. If you really cannot help yourself then you should try to focus on the health/ well-being of your newborn baby as well as any future baby. It is not a good idea to get pregnant quickly after giving birth as your body needs time to recover. You are less inclined to complications with pregnancy when they are spaced apart, especially if you have had any medical intervention such as a c-section. The newborn baby that you have, along with your other children, need individual attention from their parents to fulfill their potential. By having babies close together you compromise the time that you can spend on each individually. I think it would be a grave abuse of trust in your relationship with your partner if you trick him into another baby. He may discover what you have done and start to rethink the whole relationship. He may start thinking that if you do something that drastic, what else are you able to arrange behind his back? You are quite young and have lots of time to have more children later in life. If you really want a girl then you might be able to afford a trip to a gender selection fertility clinic or think about adopting a girl when your own family are older. As someone having fertility treatment at the moment to extend my family, I think you should celebrate the fact that you have several happy, healthy children in your life as well as a reliable partner.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 No with the 'holes' in the condoms if you got pregnant using deception like that there is no telling how badly that could turn out. Step back and think it over[as weird as is might sound] that would be a selfish thing to do and he could hold it against the child as well as you. good luck but walk carefully on this issue. There is a potential life that could be affected. I know after some thought you'll find a more satisfactory avenue,even if it means another split up and marriage. Do what is best for the kids not you or your "needs'. good luck and best wishes.
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male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 what sort of a person are you for even thinking of trapping this guy into fathering another unwanted child.
he has taken you in and you two have made a home for two more children. then you say you want more from him?.
how selfish can you get?.
you need to grow up real fast.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I know very very well the feeling of wanting above all else to be pregnant - and not all women understand this, as only some women feel the need to be pregnant so very strongly. Personally I was/am the same - within two weeks of giving birth, I was quite ready to get pregnant again, and I honestly a million times prefer being pregnant to not.
However, it takes two to tango, and you need to start thinking really seriously about the other person in all of this. You are not thinking clearly, and he is to you, at the moment, just the ingredient you need in order to get what you want, which is a baby daughter. I also understand that mind-set, but you have to snap out of it. For two reasons: one, because it is totally unfair to him, and two, most importantly, because you have a beautiful little boy who needs you now.
Calm down. Slow down. Be with your new baby. Focus on the three children you have at the moment.
In time, as one lady said below, you will be able to sit and open your heart with your partner. But don't throw him into another pregnancy now - it really isn't fair. It is not what he wants to do. You have to actually HEAR him when he says that. You just must respect that.
You should give it time, and in time, all is possible. When I say time, I don't mean years - perhaps within months he will consider trying for another baby. I doubt it, but he might.
You are stuck in a way of thinking that, to be honest, isn't really thinking. You aren't thinking. Your hormones are in the driving seat, and are taking you where they want. Stop this. Love what you have. You are very young and have another 20 years or so chance to have a daughter. It will happen, but don't force it now.
Respect the father of your two younger boys. Respect and love him, and don't lie to him, and don't steal something from him that he doesn't want to give at the moment. You flung him into one unplanned pregnancy - ok, it has worked out fine, but see what having a baby and a 2 year old is like before you add another baby. Even just waiting a year would make a big difference to everyone's lives.
The bottom line is, it is a joint venture, and it is wrong to try and run the show yourself, because your partner then just becomes a zero. Not fair. You have so much. Love that for now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Gosh 22-25, three children, the last on the 14th - ONE from a previous relationship, TWO with the present boyfriend, and the second wasn't originally planned..WOW..you sound like some baby maker, sorry, but YOU are NOT even married, you just seem to find NEW boyfriends, and then think it's BABY TIME..do you ever actually date and have a relationship with a guy for any other reason than becoming pregnant?
YES very direct, very harsh, I admit, but that is because I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW YOU ARE COMING ACROSS. Your boyfriend has said he doesn't want any more children, and in all fairness this is not unreasonable - YOU have THREE already. Two with him.
Why not concentrate on making the FUTURE lives of the children you already have exceptional. By which I mean, you both work towards giving them and providing them with ALL the opportunities to excel in life as you can..which not only takes love but the ability to provide financially for them, so unless you are very well off, three children is enough for anyone in our present economic climate. It isn't just a case want baby, have baby...that what kids do with trainers.
Please, please, listen to him, DON'T TRAP him, as anything trapped, including man, only wants to escape.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (21 October 2010):
 ...And then men are still forced to pay child support. It boggles my mind...
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Take a moment to imagine if you were the one wanting another baby and HE was putting the holes in the condom..
Imagine how terrified you would be if you got pregnant when you are already spending so much time and money on 3 kids.
You are playing a dangerous and selfish game with a man you supposedly love.
Please be careful in your decision.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Personally, I think you should stop having any more children period. This man is not your husband, he can walk away with little more than being responsible for child support. This is not a stable environment for raising children.
Get the marriage license and get married, he isn't committed to you or your children without it no matter how you justify it, or how cool you think it is, unless you are a Hollywood mega star with millions and millions of dollars, you are not able to come out of this ahead with out the legal protection that marriage provides you and your children's futures.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 October 2010):
No. Don't. It'll wreck your relationship with him. Don't EVER trap a man or play games like this. He is giving the clearest warning to you that he has 3 kids and cannot cope with more. Trap him, and you play an appalling game and you also stand a huge chance of losing him, because he will walk away from you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 No dont do this you cant trap him in to having a child its really unfair of you even to think about something like this he is your husband and you shouldnt treat someone like this.
All you can do is sit down with him and open your heart and tell him how much you really want another child but am afraid this is all you can do.
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