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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 24 August 2010: People get hung up on the label, you worry about how drunk he will get when he goes out, yeah, he can't drink responsibly, he drinks to excess frequently, it's in his genetics (his mother died of alcoholism) and he continues to go down the same ... (read in full...)
We were fwb...now its changing. How do I make it lean the way I want it to go?
Q. i have known this guy for 8 years, we have been having sex on and off for about 7 years now. we have had other relationships but always end up back with each other. but for the last couple of years he hasn't want a girlfriend and i haven't seen him ...
A. 22 August 2010: You're scared of losing him? You have never had him in the first place.
Guys call long distance relationships that are non committed, long distance booty calls.
This guy has strung you along for 8 years now, take this opportunity that... (read in full...)
How can he be so loving towards his girlfriend, when all we do is argue?
Q. Ok I've been with this man for 21yrs! We have 3 beautiful kids, we were together for 8 before we married then last year I divorced him! He's never cheated on me and worked hard to be a good provider! But the last 4yrs have been heck! He got ...
A. 22 August 2010: I'm glad you are getting some counseling, you may actually want to go see a psychologist specializing in family/marriage counseling. Good luck.... (read in full...)
Should I tell my friend about info I have on her boyfriend? or do I keep it to myself
Q. Right. I don't usually talk about this kind of thing or ask... but this is a dilemma that is really bothering me. I have a friend, who we shall call Katie. Katie has suffered from depression for a good portion of her life, and was recently d...
A. 21 August 2010: Yeah I agree with ASk Older Sister, don't tell her, get used to the fact that she is going to choose badly a lot, may date men who are just like her and she is going to have a lot of DRAMA in her life and relationships, the less you say, the better ... (read in full...)
How can he be so loving towards his girlfriend, when all we do is argue?
Q. Ok I've been with this man for 21yrs! We have 3 beautiful kids, we were together for 8 before we married then last year I divorced him! He's never cheated on me and worked hard to be a good provider! But the last 4yrs have been heck! He got ...
A. 21 August 2010: See there is were you are wrong. Men in their thirties do not change when they are abusive, it is their CHARACTER, which means they have bad character, they don't care about you and they abuse. He isn't going to change, everytime you get back ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 21 August 2010: You can play word games, worse, not helping him, keeping him a drunk, what ever, an alcoholic needs to go to rehab, having an enabler (YOU) keeps them from getting help that they need, so in a sense you are making him worse by being that person who ... (read in full...)
Is he into me or not and can this relationship be salvaged?
Q. I am a single mother to a 4.5 month old baby girl - father disappeared and fled the country. After being months and months away from the dating scene, I finally met a new man recently online - we have seen each other on webcam and stuff - long ...
A. 20 August 2010: Listen, this is a fantasy relationship, you met this guy on line and you don't know who he really is, he could be any one, a serial rapist, or worse MARRIED.
STop having web cam relationships on the internet and date real live men in your own city... (read in full...)
Is it okay to cheat when you're not getting any sex?
Q. [OP's original title] I'm a healthy 26 year old male with 2 great sons, ages 3 and 6 months. I've been in a relationship with their mother for almost 8 years (not married). Now we've fallen on somewhat rougher times with me losing my job (the cons...
A. 20 August 2010: I think it is time for an ultimatum and ultimatums rarely work, so be prepared to walk away.
You aren't married to this woman but you have two kids with her and you've been together 8 years? I do believe this makes you common law spouses.... (read in full...)
We had a disagreement and I haven't heard from her since, what should I do?
Q. Dear cupids, I just got back from playing Bingo at this bar with my best friend and her boyfriend. There has been some underlying issues with my best friend and me for awhile now. I walked out of the place pissed off and offended at what she said...
A. 20 August 2010: I think your friend is concerned about her boyfriend. It may be possible that he is jealous of you and thinks that if she goes out alone with you, you being single, that means she is trying to meet other guys. I think instead of dealing with his ... (read in full...)
How can he be so loving towards his girlfriend, when all we do is argue?
Q. Ok I've been with this man for 21yrs! We have 3 beautiful kids, we were together for 8 before we married then last year I divorced him! He's never cheated on me and worked hard to be a good provider! But the last 4yrs have been heck! He got ...
A. 20 August 2010: Your husband is abusive to you, that makes him an abuser. Any man is not an abuser in the start of a relationship, remember how he was with you? He has to be on better behavior in order to have a new woman, but his violence, drinking and abuse is ... (read in full...)
Texting is distracting my boyfriend and I've tryed talking to him about it!
Q. I hope someone can give some good advice or make me think a different way. My boyfriend and I have been together about a 1- 1/2. When we met he seemed to be everything I was looking for. He was very caring, attentive, always wanted me there, ...
A. 20 August 2010: Put his damn phone if the freezer and take up golf together or find some fun activities outside of the house that just the two of you can enjoy and make it a no phone zone.
Set some boundaries about his phone texting, as in don't text whie I a... (read in full...)
He doesn't have the time or motivation to be committed?
Q. My boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday. It just doesn't feel right. I am 19 and he is 20. He is in school for pre-medicine 2 hours away. We had been going out for 14 months and had already conquered the first year of school away from each other. ...
A. 20 August 2010: I just wanted to say that he didn't fall out of love because there is something wrong with you, but long distance relationships are painful and frustrating and he has a lot on his plate with medical school. You are very young and this guy I guess ... (read in full...)
Moving on from an alcoholic
Q. Hello, Ive been with an alcoholic for a year now, he doesn't drink everyday, but when he does he can't stop and can go on for four or five days. He told me he was a bad person and warned me of his drinking when we first got together. When s...
A. 20 August 2010: Yeah, Cerebrus, I think what you're getting riled up about is that an addict has choices and needs to be held responsible, well he does when he is in recovery, and he has to take responsibility for his actions, however, they know better than to rely ... (read in full...)
He keeps our contact at a minimum b/c he is scared and I don't know how to overcome that.
Q. I broke up with my ex a year and a half ago b/c I found out he had a gf back home. We've tried remaining friends, but things have been pretty rough.... This year at Easter, he told me he couldn't handle things anymore, and just needed space. I...
A. 18 August 2010: Here are what some professionals have to say:
http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/dear-miriam/2009/02/why-those-boomerang-relationsh.html
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/... (read in full...)
He keeps our contact at a minimum b/c he is scared and I don't know how to overcome that.
Q. I broke up with my ex a year and a half ago b/c I found out he had a gf back home. We've tried remaining friends, but things have been pretty rough.... This year at Easter, he told me he couldn't handle things anymore, and just needed space. I...
A. 18 August 2010: I think your Dad who was a single man until age 50 and finally settled down by default and married your mother is doing you a huge disservice by giving you any opinion at all on this guys feelings for you or on the course of the relationship.
... (read in full...)
Moving on from an alcoholic
Q. Hello, Ive been with an alcoholic for a year now, he doesn't drink everyday, but when he does he can't stop and can go on for four or five days. He told me he was a bad person and warned me of his drinking when we first got together. When s...
A. 18 August 2010: Well, I understand that you could not know that the man was a full blown alcoholic as some of them are what is known as a functional alcoholic and they can hide it very well, except when you get intimately involved then you find out and see the ... (read in full...)
My brother walked in on me!
Q. I had bought some lingerie at victoria secrets and I was trying it on in my room and my brother happened to walk in and see me in it and made a comment. It was kinda weird. He told me I looked good in it. Is that suppose to be flattering or ...
A. 18 August 2010: I'd say it was both, next time lock the door, and tell him "don't you ever knock?"... (read in full...)
Tattoos... a turn on or a turn off?
Q. Help, i find tattoo's a real turn off my gf is planning on getting one, im worried it would make me feel less attracted to her tattoo's i dont mind on other people, i keep my opinion to myself unless asked on what i think about tattoo's in g...
A. 17 August 2010: I think I understand what you mean by moral code and tatoos, in general women with tatoos are advertising to the world, I am a wild woman, and up for anything (sex included)...so it's not the tatoo itself you are morally against, but what impression ... (read in full...)
Do you think he's angry with me?
Q. My ex "friends with benefits" i guess you could call him was talking to me the other day and asked if i was dating anybody, he has a new gf which is why we are no longer sleeping together, i said i was dating somebody and he asked if it was serious ...
A. 17 August 2010: It seems you want to keep asking this question until someone on here comes on and tells you what you want to hear, which is he loves you madly and is jealous that you are dating and sleeping with some other guy and he isn't talking to you to punish ... (read in full...)
Guys: Would you rather a girl was honest about her sexual past?
Q. Would guys prefer a girl who is honest about her past sexual life or is that a bad idea?...
A. 17 August 2010: After the relationship gets more intimate, I think you can talk a little bit about your long term relationships and why they didn't work out, but there again, the less detail the better, I think past relationship history is important, but there ... (read in full...)
Falling in love with my "non-serious boyfriend."
Q. [OP original title] Back Story: I met this person at a bar. Went home with him. Slept with him. Hung out the next weekend. Had the conversation that neither of us was looking for anything serious. My reasoning: I was freshly out of a mar...
A. 17 August 2010: I see.... (read in full...)
I don't want to associate with drug addicts anymore...but I just want some more friends
Q. this sounds well sad, but i dont have any friends! i mean ive got 1 or 2 literally thats it, theirs my best friend who i live with and our next door neighbour, my neighbours mental (i mean literally shes bi-polar and hears voices and makes things...
A. 17 August 2010: First congratulations for getting off drugs, and you are right you should stay away from people addicted to drugs and that includes your best friend, as the temptation to use again is just too high otherwise, and that's not fair to you or taking ... (read in full...)
Guys: Would you rather a girl was honest about her sexual past?
Q. Would guys prefer a girl who is honest about her past sexual life or is that a bad idea?...
A. 17 August 2010: In my opinion if a guy asks you about your sexual past as in the Numbers, he's not a good candidate for a relationship any way. Everyone has a sexual past, and if they don't they're called virgins.
More importantly is to share if your sexual p... (read in full...)
He has a girlfriend now so what does he care who I'm seeing?
Q. A guy friend of mine who i used to have a casual thing with recently got a new girlfriend so we obviously had to go back to just being friends. The thing is i told him i'm seeing somebody now and now everytime we talk on facebook or whatever he ...
A. 17 August 2010: Dirtball has it right, this guy is just wanting to have a little harem, he's a bit narcissistic and can't stand that you don't still want him so much that you don't care if he tells you he has a girlfriend. He's an emotional retard, stay away from ... (read in full...)
My husband wants me to dump my friend!!
Q. So two years ago, when my husband was just my boyfriend back in the day, we both had this friend, "Angel" something happened and she ended up threatening to beat up my husbands two younger sisters. Right from the get go of that incident I told each ...
A. 17 August 2010: I think your friend Angel sounds like a flippin' low class Tavern Whore who wants to beat women's asses and take what's theirs....I see her on the Jerry Springer shoe taking her shoe off and throwing at another woman she's fighting with over a ... (read in full...)
Falling in love with my "non-serious boyfriend."
Q. [OP original title] Back Story: I met this person at a bar. Went home with him. Slept with him. Hung out the next weekend. Had the conversation that neither of us was looking for anything serious. My reasoning: I was freshly out of a mar...
A. 17 August 2010: Look, your question will have the same answer whether there are kids involved or not, but just you asking that question and stating that you see your kids once a month and they don't live with you, throws up a red flag about you in my mind.
I thi... (read in full...)
He's blackmailing me since I broke up with him...
Q. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 14 months and he he will not accept that it is over. He keeps threatening to come and house and tell my parents all my secrets and if i don't reply to his texts he rings the house phone which means i have to ...
A. 17 August 2010: I think you need to confide in your parents, don't be afraid that they are too strict, they need to be aware of this and they can probably offer support and help.
Restraining orders aren't really worth the paper they are written on, and in my mi... (read in full...)
Falling in love with my "non-serious boyfriend."
Q. [OP original title] Back Story: I met this person at a bar. Went home with him. Slept with him. Hung out the next weekend. Had the conversation that neither of us was looking for anything serious. My reasoning: I was freshly out of a mar...
A. 17 August 2010: This is a dangerous relationship for you, telling him will just give him more opportunity to use you and manipulate you into putting up with his emotional unavailability.
Something tells me that you think it is just your having kids that is holdi... (read in full...)
Does "I don't know" , mean she doesn't want to be in a relationship?
Q. Okay, people of dearcupid, I have a question. I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months now and all has been more than good in my eyes but I have a few questions on things that have came up to stress to you to possibly get your ...
A. 17 August 2010: OK firstly, you asked if she wanted to be in a relationship, not to get married. Her answer was I don't know I am young and I want to explore and not be tied down.
What part of that answer do you not understand? She's speaking English. She kept... (read in full...)
Marriage - why should any man bother?
Q. Women… why should any guy propose marriage? Full disclosure: I have never been married, but several family members and friends have been hurt by divorce, and I know of only a handful of happy marriages over one year old. My feelings for the...
A. 17 August 2010: I think you are entitled to your views on marriage and that it is not for you. Marriage is not for everyone and that is a very personal decision.
Discussions like this to me are utterly pointless because it invariable is about male bashing ... (read in full...)
Does "I don't know" , mean she doesn't want to be in a relationship?
Q. Okay, people of dearcupid, I have a question. I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months now and all has been more than good in my eyes but I have a few questions on things that have came up to stress to you to possibly get your ...
A. 17 August 2010: She answered your question, but you didn't pay attention. She says she is young and wants to explore and not be tied down. She is 18, you are five long years ahead of her which is pretty huge at her age...Typically, 18 year old girls do not know... (read in full...)
Tired of playing the field...
Q. I'm tired of playing the field now. I want to be with one person and actually have a good long lasting, loving relationship. I talked to a friend told her about this guy I've been talking to and everything has been good. Me and him somehow have been ...
A. 17 August 2010: Listen, what is to REALLY LIKE ABOUT this guy? He is gross, he is into group sex, that isn't going to change because you want to tie him down.
No it is not normal to be so intimate and talk about your sex lives this early on before you even sta... (read in full...)
Do most marriages becomes sexless when people are in their 50's?
Q. Do most marriages becomes sexless, when people are in their 50 es,due to boredom ,or biological changes? I really need to know that. Mine is like that , and my husband is off sex. And the doctor doesn't know why,but he says dont worry, it is very ...
A. 17 August 2010: Ok, if your husband checked out physically, normal testosterone, he still has mild depression, at that means he is going to lose some interest in activities that he used to get pleasure from.
You didn't mention if he had his heart checked out, or ... (read in full...)
He's blackmailing me since I broke up with him...
Q. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 14 months and he he will not accept that it is over. He keeps threatening to come and house and tell my parents all my secrets and if i don't reply to his texts he rings the house phone which means i have to ...
A. 16 August 2010: I think everyone on here has given you good advice, I just have one other suggestion or idea to throw out there. This boy is just a kid and he is immature and he is acting out because of his anger at you for breaking up with him and this is how ... (read in full...)
OCD in a relationship
Q. Is there anyone out there in a relationship with someone who has an OCD. I have just started a new relationship and she has told me about hers. I have read a bit about them but don’t fully understand the implications yet. I will read more over t...
A. 16 August 2010: You might like to know that some scientists believe that what we now call OCD, in the past, say with the Mayflower families, being OCD was a form of survival. Those who were more focused, diligent, single minded in their care and pursuits, survived ... (read in full...)
Do most marriages becomes sexless when people are in their 50's?
Q. Do most marriages becomes sexless, when people are in their 50 es,due to boredom ,or biological changes? I really need to know that. Mine is like that , and my husband is off sex. And the doctor doesn't know why,but he says dont worry, it is very ...
A. 16 August 2010: I think it is time to find a new doctor. He sounds terrible to say that to you about "most men" over 50 looking for "fresher" women. It's laughable really, to think of your over 50, pot bellied, balding couch potato husband hunting down 25 year ... (read in full...)
Why do I push them away?
Q. [OP original title] Ok....here I go. About two years ago I got my heart torn apart. It took sometime but im finaly tring to put it all behind me. I've started talking and seeing other women. But everytime I meet someone and things progress, I ...
A. 16 August 2010: I think it is great that you are dating again, and you may be pushing people away because you think things are moving too quickly with them and that is OK, not every girl you meet is going to be the right one for you to have a relationship with. So ... (read in full...)
How do I stop caring for him too much, it scares me a little??
Q. My boyfriend brought up moving in together and I don't think I handled it well. I was driving through a hectic carpark at the time so I was half concentrating on not hitting anything and half listening to what he was saying. He started out saying it ...
A. 16 August 2010: By choosing a time to talk about this issue with you while your focus was off of yourself but onto your driving is pretty smart on his part, those kinds of messages get deeper into your brain and emotions if you are sort of in a trance state already ... (read in full...)
How do I stop caring for him too much, it scares me a little??
Q. My boyfriend brought up moving in together and I don't think I handled it well. I was driving through a hectic carpark at the time so I was half concentrating on not hitting anything and half listening to what he was saying. He started out saying it ...
A. 16 August 2010: Listen, I am never going to tell you to stop listening to your fear signals. Your body is telling you something that your mind refuses to hear, there is some danger here with this man and he's moving things along a little too fast and wanting to ... (read in full...)
No sex until marriage, is there a future in this relationship??
Q. I am a male dating a 41 year old woman for 2 years who wants to wait until she is married to have intercourse. I do understand and lover her very much enough to wait if we get married. We have had forms of sex in the past in our relationship as it ...
A. 16 August 2010: Well, it seems that she was very disappointed and hurt and betrayed with her last relationship and she is carrying that baggage into your relationship.
I would gently suggest that she go to counseling with you. Tell her that you just want to ... (read in full...)
I am willing to do anything to make him happy so that he can return the favor
Q. i recently posted the question: Why do men stop trying once the relationship is no longer brand new? i got a few replies and one of them stated that this works both ways meaning women can also stop putting in the effort after being in a relation...
A. 14 August 2010: I'm sorry, I don't really have certain ideas for things inside the home that can get your relationship back on track.
I guess the main thing is that you want to be friends first and cultivate that friendship by doing things you enjoy together... (read in full...)
I'm 21, He's 58 and been divorced 3 times! Could we be happy together?
Q. I am currently in a relationship with a 58-year old man. I just turned 21. We've been together for 7 months, and most of the time I think our relationship is very good. We are very comfortable with each other and have a great sex life. This is the ...
A. 14 August 2010: I agree with eveyone here. Try reading my articles on spotting a bad man before you get involve, whoops too late for that, but you still might want to think hard about this relationship being so "wonderful and happy" after a short 7 months.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 14 August 2010: You can't fix him, you're worrying about him every time he goes out about how drunk he will be is called "enabler". You are actually now part of "his problem with drink". As long as he has your acceptance, he had your approval, he will not be m... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: You boyfriend flipping out and lying to you are signs he may have deeper problems that you cannot fix by "wanting the best for him" or "loving him to peices".
The longer you stay in his dysfunction in this toxic relationship, the more harm wil... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: "I hate when we argue and if he is wrong he will never accept it (take responsibility for his actions) he just turns it around on me (manipulation) i just do worry about him. he's so quick to start an argument when there's not one to be had. he ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: I think you need to stop checking up on your boyfriend and looking at his Facebook page. If he got in at 2 AM and told you 12 then why is he lying? And what difference does the time make after all? What would concern me is that he is going out ... (read in full...)
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