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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 24 August 2010: People get hung up on the label, you worry about how drunk he will get when he goes out, yeah, he can't drink responsibly, he drinks to excess frequently, it's in his genetics (his mother died of alcoholism) and he continues to go down the same ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 21 August 2010: You can play word games, worse, not helping him, keeping him a drunk, what ever, an alcoholic needs to go to rehab, having an enabler (YOU) keeps them from getting help that they need, so in a sense you are making him worse by being that person who ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 14 August 2010: You can't fix him, you're worrying about him every time he goes out about how drunk he will be is called "enabler". You are actually now part of "his problem with drink". As long as he has your acceptance, he had your approval, he will not be m... (read in full...)
He suggested we be 'just friends' and then acts like we're a couple?
Q. My best male friend and i have abit of a past, on and off throughout our entire 'friendship' we've battled back and forth between friends and more. Multiple times we have expressed we have feelings for one another, but in the almost 3 years w...
A. 10 August 2010: Well, OK, If you say so, in three years, more than friends doesn't mean you have had sex with each other....
In my view if this hasn't taken off into a romance by now it isn't going to. He sees you as a friend.
If you want something more a... (read in full...)
To worry or not to worry???
Q. I have a situation with my boyfriend that is really bothering me. This may sound strange and/or stupid at first but read on.... We’ve been together for 1-1/2 years. He seems to have this strange habit of texting a couple of his female friends ...
A. 9 August 2010: You don't get it. Stop sending him texts, you live with him, stop obsessing over the texts he sends to women who are not in his life or that he values...texting is a low level form of communication.
If it bothers you THAT much, and I must say... (read in full...)
Moving in with my boyfriend could be a bad idea if his brother moves in too?
Q. I have been with my current significant other for 3 years and we are planning to move in together. At first, it was very exciting searching for apartments and actually viewing them! We actually started saving money months ahead and made a list of ...
A. 9 August 2010: Just because you made a plan now that has been in the works for months does not mean you have to follow through with it when it has all turned to shit.
It is a really bad idea for you to move from your place of work and school and commute just to ... (read in full...)
He is blaming her for "not telling the truth"! What should I advise her?
Q. What should I advise to my daughter ( 20 years old 0? Her boyfrend (18 years old )is blaming her for not telling him the truth about past with others which happend before they started commited relationship. She is crying very ofter from the way he ...
A. 9 August 2010: I think you shoul stay out of it, MOM. Let your daughter make her own decisions and mistakes when it comes to relationships, she won't take responsibility for her own mistakes otherwise.
What you can say to her is how very sorry you are that thi... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: You boyfriend flipping out and lying to you are signs he may have deeper problems that you cannot fix by "wanting the best for him" or "loving him to peices".
The longer you stay in his dysfunction in this toxic relationship, the more harm wil... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: "I hate when we argue and if he is wrong he will never accept it (take responsibility for his actions) he just turns it around on me (manipulation) i just do worry about him. he's so quick to start an argument when there's not one to be had. he ... (read in full...)
Should I involve deadbeat daddy in my child's life?
Q. [Mod Note - OP's own title] my ex is a deadbeat daddy. we dated for 2 and a half years and the day i told him i was pregnant, he left me and said he didnt love me. he has never called, he blocked me on every internet thing and even changed his numb...
A. 9 August 2010: Yeah, I am confused on where this baby daddy lives and if you are a US citizen. I am guessing that he is a US citizen and you moved to the US to be near him? So you don't have family here or anyone to support you at the birth?
I think you need... (read in full...)
A good way to let my parents know I'm pregnant?
Q. where to start well im 17 years old i go to college studying business and have been with my boyfriend nearly 6 months... anyway last week i found i am 3 and half months pregnant.. i have spoke about it to my boyfriend and his family and i have ...
A. 9 August 2010: A good way to let my parents know I am pregnant?
"Mom, Dad, I am three and a half months pregnant and I am keeping the baby."
These are the consequences of having a child when you aren't old enough to support it and haven't finished your ed... (read in full...)
Is he thinking about marriage or is he just all talk?
Q. I am just writing because I am somewhat confused by my boyfriend's behavior lately. Things seem to be going well for us - his family and friends love me and seem to think I'm a keeper, and I think he is too. We were at a mutual friend's wedding ...
A. 9 August 2010: I am inclined to think that your man is NOT currently thinking about marrying you. The statement about rings pretty much summed that up for me. Just because he asked you to live with him does not mean he wants to marry you either.
Ask yourself... (read in full...)
As a guy, would you assume this text meant the female fancies you or is just giving you a compliment?
Q. I sent a male friend of mine a text today to tell him I thought at 48 he still looked b@@@dy good and said I hope I haven't embarrassed you. I also told him to keep it to himself (as it was my way of telling him that I think he is gorgeous). He t...
A. 9 August 2010: If I were a guy and I got that text from a woman I wasn't dating I would assume she WANTED me, and I would be right over with my pants unzipped. As you can see, your text made him think about the lower regions or parts you cannot see.
How o... (read in full...)
I loaned a friend money, he promised to pay it back but still hasnt!
Q. I have a friend...well I use that loosely now...but at one point we had somewhat of an interest in one another but nothing really came of it when he realized I wasn't going to have sex with him. But we remained friends. While I was on vacation ...
A. 9 August 2010: If you really need to repayment of the loan and you don't care about ending the friendship, then take him to small claims court and file for the money plus court costs.
A judge will rule in your favor as you can show the canceled check to the powe... (read in full...)
Could I still have a chance of being pregnant?
Q. i had unproteced sex 10 days ago and also 2 days ago. Yes he did ejaculate inside of me. I also understand i could be pregnant, but i started bleeding randomly today but i only came of my period around 18 days ago. Could i still have a chance of ...
A. 9 August 2010: Why are you asking us this question when you can just go to the drugstore and buy an early pregnancy test.
What the hell are you doing having unprotected sex with your friend there? Sounds like you want to get pregnant because you sure are doin... (read in full...)
I want my husband back, not this overweight unhealthy man!
Q. i feel very lost.. my husband has always been heavy.. he is 6 ft 2 and 478. i am 5 ft 9 and 135. sometimes i think i know too much being a nurse as i watch his weight go up and our marriage go down. yes i love him. i have changed our home eating to ...
A. 9 August 2010: I agree get him tested for sleep apnea, if he has it this is very very dangerous to his health, he could die in his sleep, that knowledge told to him by his doctor could be the wake up call he needs to start losing the weight, and perhaps his doctor ... (read in full...)
My cheating boyfriend says he loves me and wont do it ever again, but why is he still talking to the other woman?
Q. This is a real messed up situation. Just found out my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me. I want to forgive him and want to believe him that he is doing everything in his power to be more committed to me, but the facts are not adding up. What do ...
A. 9 August 2010: I think you are either going to have to trust him or move on...that's what I think.
The other woman wants your man that is the bottom line here. He likes the attention regardless if he is telling you he has no feelings for her.
Decide what i... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: I think you need to stop checking up on your boyfriend and looking at his Facebook page. If he got in at 2 AM and told you 12 then why is he lying? And what difference does the time make after all? What would concern me is that he is going out ... (read in full...)
Birth control options
Q. Please help!!!! Trying to figure out what to use for my first time... Am on the pill and would like to know a little extra about spermicide and the sponge. Spermicide... Everything says not to douche/rinse for 8 hours afterwards. How does one douc...
A. 9 August 2010: I did answer your original question. If you are on the pill and taking it properly then it is 99.9% effective against pregnancy. You do not need spermicide and the sponge on top of it, it's messy and an added expense.
I am not a physicia... (read in full...)
I like watching guys, but I want to have sex with a girl. Am I gay?
Q. I dunno whether im gay or not. You know what? i like watching the handsome guys, i like their strong bodies with muscle. Thats why i reckon im a little bit gay. But when i imagine if i have sex with a male, that will be disgusting! Yuck. And i ...
A. 9 August 2010: You are missing the point, stop watching porn and your gayness will not be in question because you will stop obsessing about what you are watching. Your survey is not scientific and will result in nothing but opinions, guys are watching both the ... (read in full...)
Will losing my virginity to my bf ruin our relationship?
Q. I'm a virgin and my boyfriend really wants to have sex. I really want to, but I'm afraid it will ruin our relationship or something like that. How do I know he is the right person to do it with? I feel like I have waited a long time and I do love ...
A. 9 August 2010: So your boyfriend wants to have sex, and he is pressuring you into having sex as obviously this is not your doing or your decision as you aren't sure he is the one and you are afraid of regretting it.
You feel you have waited a long time and this... (read in full...)
I don't want to give him oral sex b/c actual sex happen rarely
Q. me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 months and even at first he didnt want to have sex that much, maybe 1 or 2 times a week. He always asks for blow jobs and I dont really even want to because I know that will make him last even ...
A. 9 August 2010: I think what you do is find a new boyfriend and get rid of this one, he's hopeless and a lost cause. He's just not into you, he's ino the sex though and sees you as someone to service him, hence the blow jobs and little sex. He's the controlling ... (read in full...)
Sex for the very first time
Q. i am going to have sex for the first time tomorrow but am scared that his penis will not fit in me :S hellp please? what should i do ? ...
A. 9 August 2010: Stop. You are toooooo young to have sex. What are you thinking? I can tell you aren't ready and you are scared to death. Why don't you value yourself more than this?
Teen boys have only sex on their minds. They will say anything ANYTHING... (read in full...)
Birth control options
Q. Please help!!!! Trying to figure out what to use for my first time... Am on the pill and would like to know a little extra about spermicide and the sponge. Spermicide... Everything says not to douche/rinse for 8 hours afterwards. How does one douc...
A. 9 August 2010: If you are on the pill and not taking antibiotics which lessen their effectiveness, then you should not need to use spermicide. Condoms will help protect you against STD's, but not all STD's, as the human papilova virus can still be contracted even ... (read in full...)
What turn-on's do guys like most
Q. Whats the biggest turn on for a woman to do in the bedroom guys? (Wear sexy undies, nothing at all, get on top, take control, play the innocent virgin, scream... - ha u get the idea) ...
A. 9 August 2010: Erm, this is kind of a dumb question girly. Every guy is different and what are you trying to do, put on a show, or attempting to create intimacy with a real live boy?
Why don't you ask your intended and see what turns him on?
My best bet is that ... (read in full...)
In love with someone 4x my age
Q. Dear Cupid ok well I just started working at a job and my boss is really nice. I have worked there for about a month or so and I am really starting to like him but the major problem is that I'm 13 and he's 51...is that weird? I don't like him in a...
A. 9 August 2010: You are not in love. You are infatuated. Do you have a father living at home with you? What is your relationship like with him? If you have a Dad, get closer to him and talk to him more, you are going to be vulnerable to the attentions of men if ... (read in full...)
The father of my child left me for a cruise and a new conquest
Q. Thought that he was never going to leave us. I am six months pregnant now. The father of my child left us, when i was around four months. We began dating recently and had such a chemistry that he moved in to my apt and began to make plans together. ...
A. 9 August 2010: You fell in love and got pregnant and moved in with a guy in less than four months? This is not love, this isn't real life, this is simply immature drama. He works out in the park next to you? ARe you referring to a trailor park? He can't ... (read in full...)
I like watching guys, but I want to have sex with a girl. Am I gay?
Q. I dunno whether im gay or not. You know what? i like watching the handsome guys, i like their strong bodies with muscle. Thats why i reckon im a little bit gay. But when i imagine if i have sex with a male, that will be disgusting! Yuck. And i ...
A. 9 August 2010: Ah, there it is porn. You are watching too much porn and you are getting confused because you are finding the male porno stars attractive. These people have had plastic surgery, they livelihoods depend on them staying physically fit, they are all ... (read in full...)
Unsure about dating a younger man.
Q. Hello, Iam a single woman 31 years old recently i have been asked for a date by a 29 year old man. I dont know what to say i have never dated a younger man before so please tell me what do you think!...
A. 8 August 2010: He's not that much younger than you are, I would suffice it to say that you are the same age. Women generally outlive men by more than a decade, so yeah, it doesn't matter as long as he is mature in other ways and you like him, then why are you ... (read in full...)
I have trust issues and she wants a break to figure things out. How do I fix it?
Q. Ive been in this relationship with a therapist for 6 months now and im a dependent person and she is the opposite. We use to see each other every other day for a couple months now its once a week tops. I talk to her everyday for a little bit but she ...
A. 8 August 2010: There isn't enough information to go on here, but when someone asks you for a break then give it to them...determine what the ground rules are for the break, does this mean you both can date other people?
She doesn't sound like a good therapis... (read in full...)
I resent my boyfriend for not being ready to start a family with me!
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years living together for 2, he has a child from a previous relationship. I had an unplanned pregnancy 2 years ago which resulted in an early miscarriage, since then I have been desperate to have a baby, and have ...
A. 8 August 2010: It doesn't take a MAN 6 years of dating to figure out you are the one. It doesn't take 6 years of dating for a woman to figure out she isn't getting a marriage and a family from a "boyfriend". It takes 6 seconds to get pregnant and change your ... (read in full...)
Questions about the pullout method and pregnancy. All advice is welcome!
Q. I just wanted to hear your own experiences and opinions regarding the following questions, feel free to say anything, i would really like to hear your answers. 1. Have you ever used the pullout method? (esp, how often?) 2. Have you or your...
A. 8 August 2010: If you are asking this question, you are too young and too immature and too irresponsible and not well educated enough to be having sex. Talk to your mum, go to a doctor and get the facts, figure out how babies are made, figure out about STD's and ... (read in full...)
He suggested we be 'just friends' and then acts like we're a couple?
Q. My best male friend and i have abit of a past, on and off throughout our entire 'friendship' we've battled back and forth between friends and more. Multiple times we have expressed we have feelings for one another, but in the almost 3 years w...
A. 8 August 2010: This guy is getting all the "benefits" of having a girlfriend without any of the responsibility of having a relationship.
He's immature, he likes you, and since you have been something more than friends (translaions, you two are doing the hori... (read in full...)
We've been dating for a month, but he already has a girlfriend.
Q. I met a guy at college and weve been dating for the past month theres only one problem he already has a girlfriend he says he loves her but wants to be with me and i really dont know what to believe ive known him for a few years now but i really ...
A. 8 August 2010: Let's break this down. He's known you for a few years and until now, now that he is away from his girlfriend whom he has professed to you that he loves, he wants to "be with you." Let's translate this. He's using you for sex, right? You are ... (read in full...)
ED with wife, but not with affair.
Q. Did it ever happened to anybody,that you thought for years,you were impotent,when you tried to have sex,with your wife,but than you fall for another woman,and it came back? I have a feeling ,it might be the case with me,but I feel very bad for my ...
A. 8 August 2010: Oh my God, you're question is about ED, not the fact that you are cheating on your wife. Obviously, your ED is caused by psychological issues, like you feel pressured in your REAL life by real responsibilities. This is all about YOU, not your ... (read in full...)
To worry or not to worry???
Q. I have a situation with my boyfriend that is really bothering me. This may sound strange and/or stupid at first but read on.... We’ve been together for 1-1/2 years. He seems to have this strange habit of texting a couple of his female friends ...
A. 8 August 2010: Disable your Facebook page, ask him to disable his. Facebook is stupid, really, it is to keep in touch with people who for the most part are NOT part of your real life, but friends from the past or work friends or friends of friends, it is a social ... (read in full...)
I like watching guys, but I want to have sex with a girl. Am I gay?
Q. I dunno whether im gay or not. You know what? i like watching the handsome guys, i like their strong bodies with muscle. Thats why i reckon im a little bit gay. But when i imagine if i have sex with a male, that will be disgusting! Yuck. And i ...
A. 8 August 2010: The toned human body is a work of art. It doens't make you gay to admire muscle in any human being same sex or not. You would know if you are gay or not. Asking this question in this manner is decidedly you are not gay.... (read in full...)
He ended it so why is he working so hard at this friendship?
Q. [OP original title] My ex and i were together for just 6 months. I hadnt seen him for many years before we got together and both of us had a lot of expectations we couldnt live up to. I was on edge the whole time because I felt like i couldnt live...
A. 8 August 2010: I think his wanting to go away with you if he is seeing someone else is weird. He obviously still wants you in his life, it seems that he is trying to play both women and have you both.
If you are OK with this fine, but if I were you, I would be... (read in full...)
Are these sexual situations my sister and I shared as children harmless?
Q. I'm having lots of problems with depression and with my current relationship and was seeing a therapist but couldn't afford to continue. Anyway, I've been writing in a diary to get out what I'm thinking and realized that a couple of memories I ha...
A. 8 August 2010: Well, I'm no expert, but I think this is somewhat typical of childish behavior and learning about social boundaries and the confusing experimentation of our own bodies.
I wouldn't make a big deal over this, it was a couple of isolated incident... (read in full...)
Pregnant for the 4th time with my cousin. My family doesn't want me to keep it though!
Q. well ; i am currently preqnant for my mother's brother son - myfirst cousin. it was all a mistake. we were drunk and had sex. i want to keep the baby but my entire family is against it due to the fact they said it is cross dna and would come out ...
A. 8 August 2010: Wow, three abortions? NOw a fourth? Why aren't you locked up? Your parents can't do anything with you obviously, and now you've had sex with your first cousin?
Please get some help, get some therapy and find out why you are so irrespon... (read in full...)
I'm 14, but my bf is 25, is it legal/wrong? Should I break up with him?
Q. [OP original title] I'm 14 years old and my boyfriend is 25. I really liked him before we were going out and he liked me too, he even dumped his girlfriend because he says he can't be with her when he loves me. I love him too but I'm soo scared abou...
A. 8 August 2010: Honey, if he were a decent man of 25, he would not see a 14 year old as someone he had romantic feelings for, he would not want you to hide him away from your friends and family. He is cool with that because he isn't safe...he has plans to have sex ... (read in full...)
Thinking of asking him out. Ideas for a date?
Q. im thinking of asking this man out somewhere. my friends says he will say yes and it seems that he likes me a lot. anyway, im 18 and he is 29, and i was wondering where are good places to go on a first date. one friend suggested bowling and then din...
A. 8 August 2010: You are terribly young, and he is terribly old for you, if he were interested in dating you, it would have taken him about two seconds to decide and a minute to ask.
If you want to be sure if he has good intentions or is truly interested in datin... (read in full...)
How does she know you're "The One?"
Q. [OP original title] How does your girlfriend decide you are the one she wants to marry?What factors does she base it on.What makes you marriage material for a woman?What makes her want to spend forever with you? Would be interesting to know from the ...
A. 8 August 2010: A woman has to want and be ready to marry, so does a man, first and foremost.
She decides you are the one by the way that you treat her, the kind of character you display, the goals which you have set for yourself and how that fits into her life... (read in full...)
How can we reconnect and rebuild the trust?
Q. So, I will give you a bit of a background regarding the situation I am finding myself in. I warn you now, there is going to be a lot of eye rolling on your part and probably an strong urge to slap me! In my defense, my interaction with men did not ...
A. 8 August 2010: Here's the rub. You already knew what kind of answers you would get here, or you wouldn't have prefaced your story with there will be a lot of eye rolling and efforts to "slap (some sense into) you".
You've already made up your mind to try and ... (read in full...)
How can we reconnect and rebuild the trust?
Q. So, I will give you a bit of a background regarding the situation I am finding myself in. I warn you now, there is going to be a lot of eye rolling on your part and probably an strong urge to slap me! In my defense, my interaction with men did not ...
A. 7 August 2010: Let this go, he isn't into you for what ever reason, it's been a year and a half. Stop beating a dead horse and stop focusing on this man instead of focusing and working on you.
Figure out why you want emotionally unavailable men and what you... (read in full...)
Girlfriend's dad walked in on us during oral sex, kicked me out and now she wants me to apologize to her dad!
Q. I am 18 and my girlfriend will be 18 next month, we have been dating for 6 months. Her dad is a total hard ass, he is beyond over protective and he hates me jsut because I am dating his daughter. Afew nights ago we were in her basement fooling ...
A. 24 July 2010: I think you have screwed the pooch on this one, dude, you were having sex of any kind in his house with his daughter while he was out.
Total disrespect. An apology is not necessary, you can't apologize for his daughter's behavior, after all, it ... (read in full...)
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