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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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So...does size really matter? Let's put it to rest.
Q. A good friend of mine let’s call him S is going through a very tough, emasculating time. A girlfriend of his made comments to her friends, stating that while she really enjoyed being with him, and that he was a great guy both emotionally and ...
A. 17 February 2011: Ok original OP you are clearly a bonehead. Your original question has NOT gone unanswered. Women in general are not less satisfied having gone from a big docked man to an average one. If she could accommodate a guys large penis an average one is ... (read in full...)
So...does size really matter? Let's put it to rest.
Q. A good friend of mine let’s call him S is going through a very tough, emasculating time. A girlfriend of his made comments to her friends, stating that while she really enjoyed being with him, and that he was a great guy both emotionally and ...
A. 16 February 2011: These kinds of questions are very annoying and the rigid way you want it answered even more so.
On a strictly size basis according to a female gynecologist who has written a book about sex you are somewhat inaccurate about the female vagina. ... (read in full...)
My stepson messaged me to ask me out to dinner?
Q. Let's just start with me saying that I am divorced. Been so for about 2 yrs. I've been married twice. I have 3 kids of my own. 2 girls and 1 boy. All from my first marriage. My second marriage, no kids, but my husband had 2 boys. One is in...
A. 16 February 2011: Well they wouldn't post what I originally said but let's try this. It is interesting mostly men have answered and given you a big thumbs up. I'm giving you a big thumbs down. Regardless of your divorce from your step son's father he will always ... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 16 February 2011: He's dangerous get away from him. You don't like yourself or you would never even consider a guy who is so clearly not your equal.
He's a liar. I have 3 physicians in my family. Dialated pupils means he is high on drugs or just had a seizure.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's obsession with young lap dancers!
Q. My boyfriend goes to lap dancers clubs often with his mates. He says he goes there for the girls. I told him I do not like it that he pays these women, I do not like him going there, as I see it as his way of ogling young women in nudity, he...
A. 16 February 2011: He is in the wrong he is very self centered and has little empathy for your feelings. Those are constructs of his personality of his character. A person's character is unchanging. Big surprise his family behaves like he does..have you heard the ... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 15 February 2011: Well I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. This guy has a personality disorder he is a master at mirroring people and tapping into their hopes and hooking your emotions and all underneath your awareness, they fool professionals all of the time as ... (read in full...)
I have so much hair down there, that prick-free sex with my guy is near impossible!!
Q. I've been seeing a lot of questions about shaving/waxing down there lately and I figured I'd chime in with my own. My dad blessed me with thick body hair (note the sarcasm). When I shave, it usually starts getting prickly the same day. Then t...
A. 15 February 2011: Prick free sex huh...well that is too funny. Use Nair for a smooth result use it often and problem solved or stop shaving it bald as god gave us hair down there to reduce friction and nude privates are mostly a fashion. Keeping things simply ... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 15 February 2011: You have to stop thinking about this man and his behavior as a normal guy. You"LL be drawing the wrong conclusions. You can't get over the wounded little boy he was because he won"t let you forget. He"s stating his past poor me stories matter of ... (read in full...)
This guy chose his gf over me, I cant help but feel hurt
Q. Hi! I have a question, but first a little bit of background info. I have a friend who I was romantically interested in, and who was getting ready to leave his partner, as she was controlling and abusive. I'll admit that we had a bit of a physica...
A. 15 February 2011: Amen Cerebrus,
And why do you want a man who's partner in life can't trust him farther than she can throw him. You act like she is the villain because she is smart enough to trust her gut and check up on her instincts about this guy.
Don't b... (read in full...)
I'm not the valentine he proposed to. I can't live with my mistake
Q. I'm destroyed. My exbf proposed to his valentine today and it wasn't me. How do I put back the pieces of my broken heart? Last year he proposed to me but I blew him off because he revolved his world around me which made me look at him like a ...
A. 15 February 2011: Oh PULEEEEESE, get over yourself.
You simply have the buyer's remorse thing, you only want him because he's gone.
Grow up girl you aren't a child anymore and you are way too old to be acting the fool.
If you really really don't care that h... (read in full...)
How shall I get him on his own?
Q. How do I get him on his own? I dated this boy for a few months (about 2 years ago), but I dumped him for various reasons.. But I've liked him alot since! He'd had a couple of girlfriends since, but it really does not look like hes complete...
A. 15 February 2011: Since when is the woman/girl's job to "make a move" on a guy by herding him out of the coral and getting him alone.
You are chasing him, he knows you still like him, he knows it was you who sent the thing and he wanted you to admit it, but you ... (read in full...)
I'm shy! Hes shy! How are we going to get around this?
Q. Hi, I like this kinda shy guy at school but the problem is that i'm kinda shy too. He stares at me in class but every time I look over at him he quickly looks away. What should I do to show him I like him? Should I do anything at all?...
A. 15 February 2011: Walk up to him and say, Hi, my name is....don't you have such and such teacher 3rd period? And let a conversation develop, get to be his friend, not his girlfriend right off the bat, that's more important anyway, to have friends.... (read in full...)
I hate myself so much for falling for him
Q. I really need some help as im quite desperate. To cut a story short, I started liking a guy about 6 months ago and ever since its got even more and more deeper and stronger. I barely saw him and he never made the effort to speak to me if he did. On...
A. 15 February 2011: Hi, I think your problem really has very little to do with this guy.
You mention that you are a University student, and you mention that you fell for this guy deeply without ever really talking to him and then you simply gave him sex one night th... (read in full...)
How do I swallow without upchucking?
Q. Hi all, Okay, here goes, I need advice about a sexual thiing, so I will get to the point! My partner is offended that I don't swallow and says if I loved him I would (it would mean a lot to him) but I just cannot do it, it makes me want to reach...
A. 15 February 2011: Male anon, what did you do conduct your own study while cheating with cheating girlfriends? Seriously, how is this helpful?... (read in full...)
I'm scared to sleep with other people!
Q. I have recently broken up with a guy I have been seeing for 3 years. He is the only person i've had sex with and i'm scared to sleep with other people. Is this normal? I still feel like he is the only person I want to sleep with even though I don't ...
A. 14 February 2011: Sex should come as a natural development of trust and connection within an exclusive relationship. In short you can't put the cart before the horse and you don't owe sex to men you are dating as a service.
You will have sex with the right ma... (read in full...)
Was a vibrator for Valentine's Day a bad idea to get my man?
Q. so for Valentine's day i couldn't figure out what to get my man. I was talking with a friend a week or so ago and she suggested i get a vibrator to spice things up a bit and give it to him with a dirty note. even though our sex life is great like it ...
A. 14 February 2011: Sorry, but your friend is a moron who may be trying to sabatoge your reltionship. Ask yourself this question, would you like be handing a fake vagina as a gift for Valentine's Day?
There is nothing wrong with introducing toys into your sex life... (read in full...)
How do I swallow without upchucking?
Q. Hi all, Okay, here goes, I need advice about a sexual thiing, so I will get to the point! My partner is offended that I don't swallow and says if I loved him I would (it would mean a lot to him) but I just cannot do it, it makes me want to reach...
A. 14 February 2011: Yeah, I think as a joke you should ask him to shoot in a shot glass and say "you first".
I don't like the sounds of this guy being so controlling sexually, that's abuse, watch for other signs of controlling behavior and get out while you are ahea... (read in full...)
How can I rake up the courage to end this relationship with this very over sensitive controlling guy?
Q. I apologize in advance if this gets long. I have a feeling I may start to vent. I've had bad relationships in the past. I seem to keep going after the same people, though, I don't realize it until it's months in and their true selves start shi...
A. 13 February 2011: Call your local United Way office or the Mental Health Association and ask for a list of therapists who work on a sliding scale based on what you can afford. Start calling the list and asking them what their experience is in helping people who are ... (read in full...)
I just want to be 100% happy, not 75% and have to find the other 25% elsewhere.
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months. We have known each other for 8 years on and off. I had a crush on him when I was 12. We never went out or did anything until I was 19 with the exception of a drunk mini makeout session when I was ...
A. 13 February 2011: "I didn't see him much, but when I do he is very sweet and pokes me and stuff, looks at me in the eyes, and whispers to me like "where are you going?". It is totally obvious that he is flirting with me, so I decided to ask him. I told him to ... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 13 February 2011: Dear Female Anon, I think you made some very valid points in your post, but I don't agree with your statement that he will replace her with someone healthier and that she thinks she is perfect and is settling for a project relationship bec... (read in full...)
I just want to be 100% happy, not 75% and have to find the other 25% elsewhere.
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months. We have known each other for 8 years on and off. I had a crush on him when I was 12. We never went out or did anything until I was 19 with the exception of a drunk mini makeout session when I was ...
A. 13 February 2011: My concern for you is that you think you have to have a man at all, like you are going to leave your current crummy boyfriend and relationship only if you have a new one in the pocket. That is very immature on your part. Break up with your boyfri... (read in full...)
Apart from me, her boyfriend is the most perfect person she knows. What does she mean by this?
Q. My ex and I broke up 3 years ago and we live about 80 miles from each other now. Recently she told me, "Apart from you, he [her boyfriend] is the most perfect person I know." What should I make of her comment? ...
A. 13 February 2011: That she tends to see people in all or nothing terms, black and white, all good or all bad. Right now she is seeing you and her boyfriend as all good, but that probably will change as most all or nothing people are not capable of long term stable ... (read in full...)
How can I rake up the courage to end this relationship with this very over sensitive controlling guy?
Q. I apologize in advance if this gets long. I have a feeling I may start to vent. I've had bad relationships in the past. I seem to keep going after the same people, though, I don't realize it until it's months in and their true selves start shi...
A. 13 February 2011: I am not a psychologist, that said I do have a degree in it, and I have personal experience with just this type of problem person and have studied a lot about personality disorders. In fact most psychologists who got their degrees more than 10 ... (read in full...)
Do want help and advice, but not pity. But how do I better handle my battle with being obsessive and narcissistic ?
Q. Hello i am an obsessive co-dependent in love with a narcissistic. I am a kind loving person but try to also control everything.(so no one gets hurt) Anyway my question to everyone is how can i stop letting him hurt me? He couldn't care less whil...
A. 13 February 2011: This is a very toxic relationship for you, a very bad combination, and the reason why you feel worthless inside. The help you need is to cut all contact with this psychopath and get into therapy ASAP. I don't buy into the co-dependent theory... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 13 February 2011: Dear Ms OP, I don't think I misinterpreted anything, I am pointing out the flaws in your thinking, that is what I am good at doing. I am not telling you that I haven't made the same mistake of being seduced by a very similar man, I have, that i... (read in full...)
I am ashamed of my living condition, and now my friend wants to come visit!
Q. help ! i really need advice. im friends with a guy-just friends ! and recently hes been asking to come to my house. im ashamed of the condition its in-it needs a lot of decorating and some of the floors are bare ! also i havent been totally straight ...
A. 12 February 2011: Real friends don't care about your living quarters or arrangements, they show up in your life when you most need them.... (read in full...)
How do I avoid becoming my co-worker's next victim?
Q. I work with a girl who stirs up a lot of trouble behind people's backs. Most of the time I try to avoid her. Always, I respectfully nod to her in the lift. Recently she tried to get another girl sacked, but she failed in her effort to do that. But I ...
A. 12 February 2011: I think just stay out of her radar. Don't get sucked into drama and don't agree to do something for her that you don't have to do for your job. Don't tell her anything that you don't have to tell her both personally and work related. Ask to be ... (read in full...)
I know he's busy but doesn't he even have time for a brief message?
Q. Hello, Let me try to summarize the whole story really quickly. (for more detail on how things started, read "I want to show him I care without scaring him off". This is a followup.) I met a wonderful man who lives in another country not far...
A. 12 February 2011: You really don't know this guy at all, you had a sexual fling with him and now somehow you think you are in a real relationship because of a few pictures.
How do you know he isn't married? A man who travels a lot for business and put in the effo... (read in full...)
What is going on here? Booty call?
Q. I have been dating a guy for a little over a month now..problem is I haven't seen him in 3 weeks (partly due to me being away and him becoming very busy with school). We talk and text and the last time I heard from him was Monday night (its now ...
A. 12 February 2011: You don't fool me with I have to see him one more time because I want my stuff back....urm, why does this jerk have any of your stuff?
If you want your stuff back, simply ask that he return it to you via the Post Office or drop it off on your por... (read in full...)
I know he's busy but doesn't he even have time for a brief message?
Q. Hello, Let me try to summarize the whole story really quickly. (for more detail on how things started, read "I want to show him I care without scaring him off". This is a followup.) I met a wonderful man who lives in another country not far...
A. 12 February 2011: You really don't know this man, are you sure he's not married? A fair number of married men, cheat and have affairs especially if they spend a fair amount of time away on business. You can block people on facebook from seeing your wall posts ... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 12 February 2011: By the way a Huge Red Flag for me about you is in your original post you are talking about your "boyfriend", but you now are telling us that your very first date is tonight.
Can you say I live in Fantasy and already am thinking about the white pi... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 12 February 2011: I am going to give it one last shot, I honestly don't know why you came here for advice, you are hell bent on not listening to anything more rational, objective people are telling you about all the red flags in your situation, but let me break it ... (read in full...)
How can I stop being jealous?
Q. I love my boyfriend but how can I stop being so jealous when he talk to other females. I know he is a friendly person but I'm trying to trust him. I need help or I'm gone lose him. ...
A. 11 February 2011: What are the circumstances specifically that you are getting jealous about? Your fears may be totally justified, but we don't have any information than he talks to the other 50% of the population.... (read in full...)
What is going on here? Booty call?
Q. I have been dating a guy for a little over a month now..problem is I haven't seen him in 3 weeks (partly due to me being away and him becoming very busy with school). We talk and text and the last time I heard from him was Monday night (its now ...
A. 11 February 2011: He stood you up, you probably called him right? He offered to come hang out with you and your family at the Super Bowl (like he was doing you a favor, he invited himself over for free food and beer?)...Doesn't sound like he made it. He is jus... (read in full...)
It's been 9 months, but I'm not yet over the ex!
Q. I'm only 17, and last year, in May; my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me, and it completely destroyed me; he was the one whom I lost it too and completely fell in love with, even though there was some abuse in the relationship I just blamed ...
A. 11 February 2011: When ever you have experienced abuse in a romantic relationship, there is something called a trauma bond, it has left holes in your soul and the hurt and pain and stress you feel from that trauma bond is being mistaken for romantic longing. This... (read in full...)
She won't go down on me!
Q. Ok so i have a bit of a sexual problem. My girlfriend does not like giving me oral. We have been sexually active for about 2 years now out of a 3 year relationship but at the begining she liked giving me oral. At the begining she gave me head ...
A. 11 February 2011: The problem here is your attitude. You are resentful that you give her oral sex as a prelude or foreplay before sex and that she doesn't reciprocate each and every time. That is what I get from your original post. Then after being chastise... (read in full...)
Am I being ridiculously jealous or are my feelings valid?
Q. My boyfriend of over a year still talks to all his ex-girlfriends, but some more than others. He has an ex in England that is obsessed with him and calls him at work (in Canada) and talks to him for hours while he is working. I have stressed I don’t ...
A. 11 February 2011: What your boyfriend is doing is called triangulation. He more than likely feels compelled to keep these exes in his life because he can't get sexually turned on otherwise, it is a hold over from his dysfunctional family dynamics as a child...he is ... (read in full...)
Why would he say he's "a bit jealous?"
Q. I was talking to a guy who i used to kind of be FWB with and he asked how my date went last night. I told him it went very well and that i was going on another date at the weekend. He said "wish i could see you that often :P" "i'm pleased for you ...
A. 11 February 2011: The guy is a player who likes getting his ego stroked by women even if it is online. You telling him about your date was a narcissistic injury so he felt ocmpelled to tell you he was a bit jealous so you would give him more attention.
He is playi... (read in full...)
How can you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?
Q. my new boyfriend has told me that his upbringing was awful. his dad was a verbally abusive and violent drunk who made his families life hell. this experience has left my boyfriend suffering with depression, inability to have lasting relationships, ...
A. 11 February 2011: You really have to start paying attention to red flags with men. He has demonstrated quite a few and he has told you who he is by his past upbringing, inability to have a lasting relationship and cheating. How old are you two? What makes you... (read in full...)
Should I let my family back in my life?
Q. My father died before I was born and I've never met any of his family. I was an only child and was brought up by a loving mother, who passed away when I was 21. Strong and no nonsense woman as she was, she was the pillar of our family. Their si...
A. 11 February 2011: I think having an extended family is difficult in our mobile society and people just move on with their lives. If this cousin has contacted you there is no harm in talking to him or keeping in touch. You don't have to be afraid if you know how ... (read in full...)
What is going on here? Booty call?
Q. I have been dating a guy for a little over a month now..problem is I haven't seen him in 3 weeks (partly due to me being away and him becoming very busy with school). We talk and text and the last time I heard from him was Monday night (its now ...
A. 11 February 2011: It's not confusing at all, he's not interested in you, who cares what the reasons are or the excuses he uses. He's playing you, you're fourth string, good enough for sex though. He's using you. Move on, good riddance, next!... (read in full...)
The minute I start asking questions, he disappears!
Q. Is he gay? My recent ex was caught Googling a website called, "Sucking Cocks". When I asked him about it he claims that it was to watch the women doing it. Googled it I saw a lot of Gay porn. I'm not Gay Bashing, just stating the facts. The s...
A. 11 February 2011: He is emotionally unavailable for what ever reason, it really doesn't matter. Keep the door closed on this one, he is not going to change....he is what he is, not emotionally healthy enough for a real relationship with a real woman.... (read in full...)
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