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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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I'm truly in love with my teacher, should I wait 2 years to be with him?
Q. I'm in love with my 35 year old maths teacher... and, please don't tell me it's just a crush, because I've researched into what love feels like, and I asked my mum (not telling her about my teacher though) so I know for sure that I'm in love with ...
A. 27 August 2010: Here is another example of your lack of maturity. When someone calls you out on your wrong thinking, immaturity, lack of moral code, lack of empathy for others, lack of acountability and responsibility for your actions, you consider that ... (read in full...)
Why do all the men in my life turn to porn?
Q. LONG story short: My boyfriend is great and I love him dearly. But (there's always a but, right?) I found porn on my computer and now I'm having trust issues. I confronted him and he has stopped (for 8 months now). I just can't quit thinking ab...
A. 27 August 2010: http://www.beliefnet.com/News/2005/10/How-Porn-Destroys-Lives.aspx... (read in full...)
Why do all the men in my life turn to porn?
Q. LONG story short: My boyfriend is great and I love him dearly. But (there's always a but, right?) I found porn on my computer and now I'm having trust issues. I confronted him and he has stopped (for 8 months now). I just can't quit thinking ab...
A. 27 August 2010:
Here is an article that looks a little deeper into the reasons men watch porn, how they get started, what purpose it is serves when they start and how they get stuck, it looks a little deeper than, this is what me and my bros did and we turned out ... (read in full...)
1st date sex does it ever lead to anything besides sex?
Q. if a girl puts out on a first date, would it ever work into proper dating or just sex? x...
A. 27 August 2010: Here's a good book for you to read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Carvey....... (read in full...)
How do you make up after a fight when you still think the other person is wrong?
Q. I'm stuck in a horrible horrible place. I am on the verge of tears -- again, just having to right this out. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months TODAY! Should be exciting.. but it's not, because we've been in a not so good place for a couple ...
A. 27 August 2010: What would be the worst thing that could happen if you did break up and stop all this fighting? Perhaps this is not a healthy relationship for you and the only thing you need to change about it, is to be free.
At your age, you shouldn't be so ti... (read in full...)
I have no self confidence because I am small in height
Q. hi every one i am a guy 19yo and my height is 5`3.4` . i am very depressed from my self , my all friend more then 6` and when i am sitting with them i look like a small kid but i am a student of first year and good in studies , i don't know wha...
A. 27 August 2010: There isn't anything you can do about your height, you are still growing up until you are around 23 years of age, you may have a growth spurt later on.
What you can do is stop trying to get your self esteem from how other's judge you or what you... (read in full...)
I'm truly in love with my teacher, should I wait 2 years to be with him?
Q. I'm in love with my 35 year old maths teacher... and, please don't tell me it's just a crush, because I've researched into what love feels like, and I asked my mum (not telling her about my teacher though) so I know for sure that I'm in love with ...
A. 27 August 2010: Great, you are getting along fine with your father, and you KNOW what I am trying to tell you being clairvoyant and all.
Here's what I think.
You are a spoiled brat who thinks she can somehow control men with her eyes and her looks, possibly ... (read in full...)
Please help!!! Depression hurting me physically and mentally!!!
Q. [Mod Note - OP's own title] I'm 13 years old and going into 8th grade. And I want to know why I don't feel pretty??? I get compliments from my friends and they say that I'm beautiful, but I don't get why they think that. They are pretty that I am. ...
A. 27 August 2010: Hi Julia,
I am really sorry that you are feeling so lousy. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, that isn't going to help anything and will just end up making your feel worse about everything including hurting yourself. Please tell you... (read in full...)
What is going on with my wife "downstairs"?
Q. Hi guys my question is for the girls when me and my wife have sex there is some white thing coming out from her vagina which looks like cheese and it smells very bad it is like small cube things and when she checked with a doctor the doctor told her ...
A. 27 August 2010: It is probably a yeast infection, it isn't caused by poor hygiene. Yeast live in the vagina all the time, in fact humans have a fair amount of yeast in many areas of their bodies and something like stress, taking antibiotics, immune deficiency from ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend's best friend passed away in an accident. How do I help him deal with this?
Q. My boyfriend of three years literally just lost his best friend to a drunk driving accident (it happened last night). He's not a complete mess over it (not crying or anything) but he's frustrated. Yes, they've been best friends for nearly a decade ...
A. 27 August 2010: I'm sorry that your boyfriend lost his friend. The only thing you can do is to just be there for him if he wants to talk or needs a shouder to cry on. It is really a shock to lose a friend when you both are so young, and the first time it happens ... (read in full...)
Why do all the men in my life turn to porn?
Q. LONG story short: My boyfriend is great and I love him dearly. But (there's always a but, right?) I found porn on my computer and now I'm having trust issues. I confronted him and he has stopped (for 8 months now). I just can't quit thinking ab...
A. 27 August 2010: Not all men like porn, not all men are addicted to porn, watching porn is not the male normal. The accessibility of porn on the Internet has increased the watching of porn by both sexes, it's big business for the companies who produce the porn, but ... (read in full...)
Do I have Herpes? Why the positive test result?
Q. I recently found out that a girl I had been seeing has genital herpes. I had felt ill with lower back pain and bladder pain for a week or two, which I put down to a urinary tract infection. We did not have sex and there was almost no sexual ...
A. 27 August 2010: The herpes virus can lay dormant for years near your spine, it is really difficult to pinpoint the person who gave it to you or how you got it, and you may never have any symptoms or you could have an outbreak when your immune system is run down.
... (read in full...)
I think my boyfriend hates me..so why wont he let me leave?
Q. me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. we have gone through some really really hard things together. i have forgivin him for cheating on me...and lying about it and he forgave me for hitting him. which i feel bad for but in the moment i...
A. 27 August 2010: The bottom line is this relationship has outlived it's life...a three year relationship at your age is way over due to end, and when there is nothing left to it but dependency it can get abusive....and he's the one abusing you for the most part, but ... (read in full...)
Id rather us try and have it possibly fail then not try at all
Q. Hi there, I could really do with some advice... I met this guy at a club 6 or 7 weeks ago and we were "getting off" as they call it for about 45 minutes. We exchanged numbers and he started texting me every single day. We started to get more flir...
A. 27 August 2010: Well actually Q, it's both HOW she feels is different because women are wired up differently than men for the most part, but you're right the emphasis is on the YOU as well. If you haven't noticed I appear to be a terrible speller, too, I'm really ... (read in full...)
Am I going insane? I feel like I'm losing myself
Q. Need advice for LDR? Im in my first LDR ever and I have a had a handful of other relationship before this one. Its been successfully moving along for 6-7 months now. I really really like this woman. First of all I don't want anyone bashing L...
A. 27 August 2010: You are not going crazy, what you are feeling is why most long distance relationships do not work...I know you don't want anyone bashing LDR's which means you aren't open to the idea that this may not work out and one or the other of you may lose ... (read in full...)
Id rather us try and have it possibly fail then not try at all
Q. Hi there, I could really do with some advice... I met this guy at a club 6 or 7 weeks ago and we were "getting off" as they call it for about 45 minutes. We exchanged numbers and he started texting me every single day. We started to get more flir...
A. 26 August 2010: You met a guy 6 weeks ago at a club
You had sexual contact of some sort for 45 minutes.
He texted you every day after that, but did not make the effort to actually call you and speak to you in person.
He then asked you if you wanted "to me... (read in full...)
Given up smoking but suffering breakouts, please help!
Q. Hi all, I have recently quit smoking, well im chewing nicotine gum and im suffering from major break-outs! I know this is part of my body cleaning itself out of all the toxins but does anyone know how long this will last for? and also is...
A. 26 August 2010: http://www.skincarephysicians.com/acnenet/treatment.html
Your acne breakouts are probably unrelated to your quitting cigarettes, but may be partly due to your hormones or contact with skin care products or hair care products that are producin... (read in full...)
I'm truly in love with my teacher, should I wait 2 years to be with him?
Q. I'm in love with my 35 year old maths teacher... and, please don't tell me it's just a crush, because I've researched into what love feels like, and I asked my mum (not telling her about my teacher though) so I know for sure that I'm in love with ...
A. 26 August 2010: Please tell us what your relationship with your father is like? Does he live with you? Are your parents divorced? Do you have a step father? If so, how does he treat you? How old were you when your father left, if he left?
If you could ju... (read in full...)
What does it mean when one person hates you one minute then loves you the next?
Q. What does it mean when someone is so mean to you one minute and then loves you and wants to see you the next? This same person always seems to come in and out of my life...
A. 26 August 2010: This is an emotionally immature and dependent individual who doesn't know what they want. Hot and cold behavior, on again off again relationships are a sign of how unhealthy the relationship is. Time to pull the plug and close the door for good, ... (read in full...)
I don't want to wait for an emotionally unavailable man
Q. I have been dating a lot since my divorce. I am meeting all types of guys but not the right one.. It has been a long, lonely road..A friend told me about a single guy and gave him my number. I waited a few weeks and he did not call. So, I called ...
A. 26 August 2010: You know it sounds like you put the ball in his court by telling him you were excited to meet in person and he hadn't asked you to meet yet.....so you are going to come off as over eager or desperate if you keep contacting him.
If he doesn't call... (read in full...)
Broken heart
Q. How does one survive a broken heart?! I'm just dying inside. Everyday I wake up crying, go to bed crying and just break down in tears at the drop of a hat. My heart hurts so bad! My 9 year marriage to my best friend and soul mate is ending. ...
A. 26 August 2010: Hi there, first off let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I can pretty much say I know exactly how you feel. I am turning 54 next month, and I ended a relationship with a man who I thought was my best friend, lover, and yes ... (read in full...)
My mother doesn't like my husband!
Q. I am a 31 year old, married, mom of two. My problem is that my mother has never liked my husband. Case and point. She is visiting and my husband is helping me in the kitchen. I don't know about everyone else, but for us, "help in the kitchen" ...
A. 26 August 2010: It sounds to me like Tisha hit the nail on the head, unless there are other more direct examples of her stating that she doesn't like your husband...I think it seems she is responding and reacting to behavior that is in fact a bit childish and rude, ... (read in full...)
I know he still loves me and has admitted his new girl is just a replacement for me! What should I do?
Q. me and my ex broke up about 3 months ago. I talked to him today and he said that the girl he was with is just a fill in and that he has a special place in his heart for me and that I should know he still loves me. I'm missing him like crazy but the ...
A. 26 August 2010: I'm going to get a little clinical on you here. You are love addicted and this is not healthy for you.
The guy is a manipulative, irresponsible liar. He left his pregnant girlfriend or wife (which is it?) and two children behind. Then he has t... (read in full...)
Got caught while skinny dipping, followed up by an awkward question!
Q. So the other night me and some friends were in the pool and my brother and his friends came home and went simming with us. After a little while we were like let's go skinny dipping and we did. All of us except for a few people. Well we got busted. ...
A. 26 August 2010: Seriously, the consequences of doing something risky and lewd is getting caught and dealing with the feelings of awkwardness and shame that go along with it. What do you want us to do? Make those feelings go away so you don't have to experience ... (read in full...)
Got caught while skinny dipping, followed up by an awkward question!
Q. So the other night me and some friends were in the pool and my brother and his friends came home and went simming with us. After a little while we were like let's go skinny dipping and we did. All of us except for a few people. Well we got busted. ...
A. 26 August 2010: Don't go skinny dipping in a swimming pool where neighbors can see you. Problem solved.... (read in full...)
How can I 'Wow' my boyfriend while giving him oral?
Q. My boyfriend really enjoys me giving him head, but I'm not too good at it and don't really enjoy doing it. Please can you give me some tips on how i could improve my technique or is there any throat excercises i could do to improve it?? ...
A. 26 August 2010: I suggest you Google "Fellatio" or "Blow Job", there are all kinds of how to articles on the net about sex...... (read in full...)
Our differences are making it hard for me to move forward wth him.
Q. I am in a relationship with a guy for the past 4months. We met online and been taking things slow- we are at the stage where we are getting to know each other, but I am finding this hard as I don't know where its headed. I know we have strong ...
A. 26 August 2010: This is a difficult question to answer in specifics, since you don't say what the "differences" you have between the two of you, and we can't really be a fly on the wall and tell you what his guarded behavior really means.
When ever you are star... (read in full...)
A black guy asked me to home coming but my stepfather is racist!
Q. I am 15, and this guy I really like just asked me out and suggested we go to homecoming together, there's only one problem...he's black. He's a really great guy, and I'd love to go with him. I don't think my Mom would mind, but it's my step-dad and ...
A. 24 August 2010: Why don't you tell him you aren't sure yet if your parents will allow you to go to the dance, you're only 15, but would he mind coming over to the house to meet your folks?
Tell your Mom first you are having him over, make sure your Dad is there... (read in full...)
Abdominal craps and bleeding, but it's not my period
Q. I had abdominal cramps and bled a little today. Its not my period, any idea what it could be? I know I should go to the doctors, and I will. Just wondering what you guys think it might be first though, thanks! ...
A. 24 August 2010: If you are female and not pregnant, then you are having your period, or the start of one. I don't know your age, but women can have irregularity in their periods due to stress, differences in monthly hormone levels and which ovary has ovulated and ... (read in full...)
Does she really like me or is she just trying not to be attracted to me?
Q. so me and this girl like each other but don't show it up easily though she is much younger than me i am just waiting for her to give me a hint that she is willing to talk to me ,as i get close to her she kinda get nervous n looks down or pretend i m ...
A. 24 August 2010: Personally, dude, I think you are frightening her, she is trying to ignore your stares, and she adjusts her clothes because she doesn't feel safe around you, she actually may think you are a pervert. After all, you're less than 26 years of age and ... (read in full...)
I've never been so sure about something in my life...
Q. I have a very complicated situation, and I would love some feedback, especially from a guy. This is a very long, complex story, but I'm going to try to sum it up as quickly as possible, while still getting important details across. I'm f...
A. 24 August 2010: It kind of bothers me that you think that all this happened for a reason and that you two are just meant to be together, I don't buy it, I think that you both are a little desperate not to face being alone after your respective divorces, I'm sorry, ... (read in full...)
I'm thinking he does not fancy me anymore
Q. My partner has always been very attentive to me. Just lately though I have noticed him checking out women who are half my age. It makes me feel so inadequate + i feel very angry + jealous. I have not felt like this before in our relationship - as ...
A. 24 August 2010: The next time he does that, call him out, get up and leave or ask him to take you home. We teach other people how to treat us.
If he doesn't fancy you because of your weight or your age, then he is a shallow person and you are better off knowing ... (read in full...)
Younger woman messing with my head!
Q. Ok here is the deal. I am older than this lady, yet I don't feel that way at all on the inside (and people tell me that I look younger than I am, and when I work out alot, I can easily pass for someone in their 20s). Ok, well, we have been friends, ...
A. 24 August 2010: I dunno dude, I am up their in years, too, but when you wax on about yourself about how no one can quite reach your level and you have come from rock bottom, and that you are spending time alone because you are so superior like possibly Einstein or ... (read in full...)
Should I come clean? or live with the guilt?
Q. i was out one night with some friends and i got really drunk and i didnt really know what i was doing. i ended up having sex with this boy but i have a boyfriend who ive been with for over a year now and i love and care for him, so should i come ...
A. 24 August 2010: You don't just get drunk and have sex with a boy because you are drunk, you get drunk in order to lower your inhibitions so that you can make bad choices and have sex with someone else and then take no responsibility for it and blame it on being ... (read in full...)
I'm upset how my friend disciplined her children, wondering if I should call children's services?
Q. It’s a bit of a strange one this but the yesterday my friend walloped her two children right in front of me, now I’m wondering whether to call children’s’ services. She’s got two girls, one 11 and other 13. She’s a single mom and each can be a bit...
A. 24 August 2010: Hi, I'm 54, well almost, but that's beside the point.
I think you have no business getting involved in how this woman chooses to discipline her children, and you may not agree with her physical spankings as a way to handle her girls, and I think ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 24 August 2010: People get hung up on the label, you worry about how drunk he will get when he goes out, yeah, he can't drink responsibly, he drinks to excess frequently, it's in his genetics (his mother died of alcoholism) and he continues to go down the same ... (read in full...)
I am afraid my abusive ex will try to punish me for having a new boyfriend...
Q. I am separated from the father of my child, mainly because he was addicted to cocaine and abusive. I barely knew him when I got pregnant, he told me got me pregnant on purpose (he was 10 yrs older). Anyway we are apart and still going through co...
A. 24 August 2010: Further, if you have a computer, immediately backup any information and pictures from your Blackberry onto your computer, and get tracking on your computer, or fingerprint ID so if that is stolen you can find the laptop or keep someone from ... (read in full...)
I am afraid my abusive ex will try to punish me for having a new boyfriend...
Q. I am separated from the father of my child, mainly because he was addicted to cocaine and abusive. I barely knew him when I got pregnant, he told me got me pregnant on purpose (he was 10 yrs older). Anyway we are apart and still going through co...
A. 24 August 2010: Ok, sorry to hear that, but lesson learned, don't leave you valuables in your car where they can be stolen, ever...I learned that a long time ago when my car window was broken and my stupid sunglasses I left sitting on the console at my health club ... (read in full...)
How can I tell him not to bite me so hard?
Q. Okay, soo I have a problem. My boyfriend has this thing where when we're making out he'll bite my neck.. HARD! I don't mind neck biting but it's just that he hurts lol plus my mom almost saw a hickey that didn't go away for a few days. I just want ...
A. 22 August 2010: Tell him if he puts another mark on you, your are going to punch him in the privates and ask him to get lost....well, maybe not...tell him that giving you a hickey is equivelant to a dog peeing on a tree. He's marking his territory and it is ... (read in full...)
Younger woman messing with my head!
Q. Ok here is the deal. I am older than this lady, yet I don't feel that way at all on the inside (and people tell me that I look younger than I am, and when I work out alot, I can easily pass for someone in their 20s). Ok, well, we have been friends, ...
A. 22 August 2010: It seems like you really want to meet someone you can have an actual relationship with. Why not try getting off of Facebook and the computer and actually go have a life, not of bars and hookups, but get involved in your community and meet ... (read in full...)
We were fwb...now its changing. How do I make it lean the way I want it to go?
Q. i have known this guy for 8 years, we have been having sex on and off for about 7 years now. we have had other relationships but always end up back with each other. but for the last couple of years he hasn't want a girlfriend and i haven't seen him ...
A. 22 August 2010: You're scared of losing him? You have never had him in the first place.
Guys call long distance relationships that are non committed, long distance booty calls.
This guy has strung you along for 8 years now, take this opportunity that... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 21 August 2010: You can play word games, worse, not helping him, keeping him a drunk, what ever, an alcoholic needs to go to rehab, having an enabler (YOU) keeps them from getting help that they need, so in a sense you are making him worse by being that person who ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 14 August 2010: You can't fix him, you're worrying about him every time he goes out about how drunk he will be is called "enabler". You are actually now part of "his problem with drink". As long as he has your acceptance, he had your approval, he will not be m... (read in full...)
I am afraid my abusive ex will try to punish me for having a new boyfriend...
Q. I am separated from the father of my child, mainly because he was addicted to cocaine and abusive. I barely knew him when I got pregnant, he told me got me pregnant on purpose (he was 10 yrs older). Anyway we are apart and still going through co...
A. 12 August 2010: I would start recording your phone conversations with him and keeping any emails or texts that are threatening. Also, start keeping a written record of his violations to the court ordered visitation.. I don't know what the family laws are in Canada, ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: You boyfriend flipping out and lying to you are signs he may have deeper problems that you cannot fix by "wanting the best for him" or "loving him to peices".
The longer you stay in his dysfunction in this toxic relationship, the more harm wil... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: "I hate when we argue and if he is wrong he will never accept it (take responsibility for his actions) he just turns it around on me (manipulation) i just do worry about him. he's so quick to start an argument when there's not one to be had. he ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend finds it really easy to lie to my face! Should I be worried?
Q. okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an ...
A. 9 August 2010: I think you need to stop checking up on your boyfriend and looking at his Facebook page. If he got in at 2 AM and told you 12 then why is he lying? And what difference does the time make after all? What would concern me is that he is going out ... (read in full...)
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