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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 21 October 2010: I am not surprised by this news. I think this is obviously a deeply ingrained behavior, and I think it points to some psychological issues as well that he isn't willing to work on.
I fully support your choice for what it's worth!... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 19 September 2010: http://eczemafree.org/8/what-causes-eczema/
Has your husband figured out yet what causes his excema? One thing that you should be doing if you aren not, is to use a laundry detergent that is completely free of perfumes and harsh chemical... (read in full...)
He tolerates my bad attitude...so should I rethink about breaking up with him?
Q. I met this nice guy online last year. we have not met as of yet because of my blowing up. I guess I blow up because I am not understanding of what is going on. and when I blow up he does not know the reason why I did that. so we have had some bad ...
A. 16 September 2010: Hey, I am not in the military, not a military wife, don't even have close friends who are, but God bless the men and women in the military.
With respect, am I missing something here? I don't see this as an established or committed relation... (read in full...)
Should I stay in contact with him, even though he's married?
Q. I'm a 21 y.o who recently met this gorgeous 41 y.o guy in a band when they played live, after we briefly met, i got in touch with him through myspace and he replied saying that he really liked me though he was married. Anyway, a few weeks passed and ...
A. 16 September 2010: You are choosing to be a direct threat to his wife and his family. You can justify it any way you want to, but this isn't all about you, it's about your total lack of a moral compass, your lack of values, your lack of conscience. You like using ... (read in full...)
Is he coming around because he's lonely? Or guilty?
Q. Im 27yrs, am in a 8yr relationship. My relationship is a happy one. No kids. Im not the cheating type. Never have been. Am not stupid, crazy, but not stupid. So, here we go... Ive known Brock since i was 12yrs. Brock is 3yrs older than me. He live...
A. 16 September 2010: OK, Lady, I am sure this is all very meaningful to you, but I am going to give you a slap. Who is in the driver's seat of your life?
You have absolutely no boundaries, no expectations of a man or of a relationship. You are up for anything... (read in full...)
I feel like I have to be around when he drinks so he wont do anything stupid.
Q. I don’t feel comfortable with him going out without me. In the start of our relationship he did some things to loose my trust. Now over a year and a half later, we have been doing really good (had our up's and downs) but have really came a long way, ...
A. 16 September 2010: I have been in your shoes and I am going to give you a reality check here.
You say that you have come along way in your relationship in a year and a half.
Really? After a year and a half he is still going out without you, drinking to the ... (read in full...)
I feel like his heart is not 100% into our relationship
Q. I'm feeling totally confused with everything at the moment. Ive been with my boyfriend for 7 months, things have been moving at a fairly slow pace which i dont mind but over the past few months i feel like hes half in the relationship and is half ...
A. 16 September 2010: Have you asked him how he feels about you, what he thinks about you, what his intentions are for the relationship, whether or not he sees this as fitting into his plans for his life. Do you know what his short term goals are, his long term goals ... (read in full...)
My husband doesn't shower or brush his teeth as often as he should, what should I do?
Q. I love my husband very much but lately, there are some things I just can oversee. I mean is there a nice way to tell the man you love that he always has very bad breath... he could forget to brush his teeth for a couple of days, and showers ...
A. 16 September 2010: I would show him your letter to us, and I would give him a couple of weeks to clean up his act and then tell him there will be consequences if he doesn't take this seriously. Like you will not have sex with him or kiss him until he gets into a daily ... (read in full...)
Can anybody tell my why your vagina feels different from one day to the next?
Q. My husband accuses me of cheating all the time. His reason is one day we will have sex and my vagina is tight and the next time he says its loose. He tells me a man can tell when another guy has been in his "stuff". I'm NOT cheating on him. Can an...
A. 16 September 2010: I think the better question is why can't I stand up to my abusive husband who is belittling my vagina and accusing me of cheating.
Walk out and stand your ground and tell him to get some help for his controlling ways.... (read in full...)
If he loved me, then why does he still display flirtatious and suspicious behaviors?
Q. I have been dating this guy for almost a year and i can honestly say that i love him now and that he loves me but i am 5 and a half months pregnant and I did not love him at the beginning. my question is if he loved me as much as he wants me to ...
A. 16 September 2010: If you are 5 and a half months pregnant instead of simply focusing on whether or not your boyfriend is going to leave you, flirting with other women with intent, accept the fact that you are still single. You are going to be a single mom.
Put y... (read in full...)
Should I worry on him cheating on me?
Q. ok, so i have this boyfriend, i have been with him since 1st May this year but have known him since last mid-october, we are long distance(about 300m/5 hrs apart) things have been going really well, we have the odd tiff now and then but who doesnt, ...
A. 16 September 2010: I think you would benefit greatly from counseling. You are still struggling with issues of self esteem and even old childhood wounds that were brought up by being betrayed in your long term relationship. One symptom of this is you have chosen ... (read in full...)
I'm happily married but still love my ex
Q. Before I married my amazing husband of 4 years I ran into my ex. All of the chemistry and passion that we had so long ago was still there. Needless to say it through me for a loop when all of these feelings came up and I was about to get married. ...
A. 16 September 2010: Love is not a feeling, love is a conscious decision to BE A PERSON WORTHY OF LOVE, it is commitment to another to put them ahead of your own wants and needs. Love is action in the loving deeds, words and actions that we live every day.
To st... (read in full...)
I'm scared because I am never hungry!
Q. This problem has been going on for about a week or so. I'm really scared..(keep in mind, I think I'm a hypochondriac.) I'm 16 and I feel perfectly healthy, I exercise regularly and everything. But the problem is I'm never hungry. The typical day ...
A. 16 September 2010: What concerns me is your emotional relationship to food, you seem pretty concerned that you aren't eating enough and you don't feel hungry, yet you claim you feel hungry at times and you eat a small meal at about he same time every day.
None ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend gives me the impression he is disinterested
Q. I have been with boyfriend for a year and a half. I really love him but sometimes I get so irritated with because he always seems disinterested when I talk to him on the phone. He has no enthusiasm. In general he has quite low confidence and he has ...
A. 16 September 2010: The effect weed has on a regular smoker is loss of interest in sex, lack of motivation, lack of ambition, and the desire to stay home and smoke more weed. It also makes you tired after the days work.
Yeah, he sounds like a bundle of fun. They sa... (read in full...)
I asked my boyfriend a question should I be mad for the answer he gave me?
Q. [Mod note* poster your suggested title was already taken]I asked my man, an "If we were to break up" question. I asked would you still love me? his answer was "probably". But If I was asked this question I would say I def would, without a doubt ...
A. 16 September 2010: Your hypothetical question was a lame immature attempt to get a reaction out of him to prove to yourself he does in fact love you now. Stop playing littl girl games or you may be headed for a breakup. Get a life, outside of your boyfriend,... (read in full...)
I am wanting to know if my son's father and I will ever get back together???
Q. I am wanting to know if my son's father and I will ever get back together. Last year we had a physical altercation and he is now being charged with agravated menancing. I am not looking to press charges against him, the state is pressing charges....
A. 16 September 2010: Are you nuts? Crackers? Your son does not deserve to grow up in a home where abuse is taking place between his parents, and likely it will escalate and the next time he hits you he may either put you in the hospital or kill you.
He may also hurt... (read in full...)
How can I get him to talk and not shut down?
Q. Ok, I need some help. Been dating this guy for almost a year. We dont spend time at all together maybe once a month, he texts every day. He is very sweet one minute and angry the next especially when i question anything about the relationship and or ...
A. 15 September 2010: He is just using you and is not interested in a relationship with you. This is why he never spends time with you and gets angry when you question him about the relationship. He hasn't offered you a relationship, you are at best friends and texting ... (read in full...)
So confused about my ex
Q. What does it mean when an ex acts angry over nothing someone says it means he might still care but is feeling bad that we no longer speak and just isn't man enough to say it. I know I did nothing but be kind to this person so I know I don't deserve ...
A. 15 September 2010: Your ex is not showing that he still cares by being angry over nothing. He ended things and he is going to act angry when you contact him because he wants to convince himself he made the right decision to break up with you.
If he still cared he... (read in full...)
Keeping a guy after the first date?
Q. ok i have no problem "realling" a guy in but i have a problem actualy with dating and getting to know them and the right way to let them get to kno me... i usualy go for the "player" types so it makes it even harder do you have any advice on how to ...
A. 15 September 2010:
Find this book at your local bookstore or library.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, by Carvey.... (read in full...)
My ex girlfriend keeps calling me up... what to do for the best?
Q. Well last night I was like hey im going to make a jtv account. So I made one then I was like well I wonder if I email the link to her email I wonder if she would come in? So with in 5 mins of sending the email to her on msn she was on my page ...
A. 15 September 2010: She's lonely and bored and hasn't replaced you yet. She will.
Move on, long distance relationships cannot survive, you even tried taking the long distance out of this one and it didn't work hence you moved back home.
The best thing if yo... (read in full...)
How can I distract myself from this dream guy while keeping my motivation to get my life back in order?
Q. Okay guys so I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a situation and it would be great if you could give me some advice. About a month ago I started talking to a guy online and we hit it off so so well and have so much in common that I can't ...
A. 15 September 2010: http://love-addiction.com/loveaddict34.html
You know that this relationship built on line only with a person countries away from you is not real, right? This isn't love, this isn't a high degree of compatibility, this is addiction.
... (read in full...)
My parents have always treated me poorly, preferring my sister to me. Time to walk away?
Q. All the time I was growing up my parents made no secret of the fact my younger sister was the preferred child. From the day she was born they compared us, always to my detriment. Everyone was told that I’d been a horrible baby, forever crying a...
A. 14 September 2010: Well, I am in the same age group as you are and I too was the oldest child with a younger sister who my parents favored my entire childhood and adult life.
Our family dynamics were a bit different than yours, I am or was high achieving, got good... (read in full...)
"The case of the pissed off ex"
Q. "OP Own Title"Why is my exboyfriend sending me random Emails 1 email he sent was him just saying Hi (just that) and later on he sent another one saying "don't say bad things about me to other people" (and I never do things like that) then I reply ...
A. 14 September 2010: I'm with dirtball, delete his emails or put them in a folder without reading them. Don't set up automatic rejection as they will come back to him and that will make him mad and think that you actually care.
Just don't respond and he'll stop. W... (read in full...)
Son looking at pornography on the computer?
Q. I recently caught my son on the computer looking up pornography and masturbating, i sent him to his room and told him not to ever again, and that it was wrong. i think i did the right thing, but I'm not sure. he's only 11 and it seemed like he was ...
A. 14 September 2010: I think you should apologize to your son, first for telling him that it was wrong.
Be specific, tell him masturbation is normal and healthy for a boy going through puberty and that even most adults do that now and then. Tell him it is somethin... (read in full...)
I told him about my past sexual abuse now he is distant!
Q. I recently told my lover about sexual abuse in my past (my lover lives abroad), this stemmed from an arguement we had when I completely freaked out about something that he did. And I felt it was only right that I should tell him what had happened ...
A. 8 September 2010: You feel you treated him badly by telling him something intimate and personal about yourself? Wow, self esteem much? I think perhaps you are reading into his emails, if you want to know what he thinks about your revelation, then ask him.... (read in full...)
Freaked out BF in bed and he left!
Q. ok -- this is going to take a second so I will do a TL;DR. first, this is a throwaway account b/c... so, here's the deal: tonight I totally freaked out my boyfriend. I had hidden a piece of a hot dog (about 2 inches) which I had broken off before ...
A. 1 September 2010: I think this is incredibly gross not to mention immature.
Unless you two have a one upsmanship relaitonship and you are always trying to best each other in the gross out factor, I just don't get this.
I guess if he is in love with you he woul... (read in full...)
My daughter is feeling left out! What should I do?
Q. Feeling Very Hurt and Left Out I helped someone out with her daughter lots of times, and I became friends with the mom. We went to our kids' activities together and we invited her daughter over as she was the same age as my daughter. M...
A. 31 August 2010: http://www.shakeyourshyness.com/parentingshychildren.htm There seems to be some good ideas on this site with some resources how to help your shy child. I always thought shyness was a sign of intelligence. I understand that you feel frustrate... (read in full...)
My older BF said "I could be your dad...". What's going on??
Q. I'm 18, my bf is 34. We've been seeing each other for six months. I'm happy with him and he seems happy too. Lately though, we never seem to go out anymore. We cook at his place, read, watch movies and go to sleep and he clings to me like crazy and ...
A. 30 August 2010: I think a man of his age would know what he wants, his statements show that he is feeling that this relationship is not a good fit, for him, I could be your Dad.
If he thought she would regret her choice someday, he's mature enough to ask her the ... (read in full...)
Why did my ex drag out our breakup and hurt me so much in the process?
Q. Dear Cupids, Please bear in mind this is going to be a long email but I will be very grateful for constructed advice. 4 months ago my partner broke up with me, had been together almost two years but had been good friends for four years prior...
A. 29 August 2010: "my partner broke up with me, had been together almost two years but had been good friends for four years prior to that. This was a LDR and were and hour away but saw each other regularly. This had been a joyous relationship for most of it and I ... (read in full...)
I want to leave this guy but I've invested so much into a house with him! Advice?
Q. I have been in a relationship for 10 yrs with this guy. We have been living together for 7 of those 10 yrs. We bought a house together 4 yrs ago. Somehow when the 10th yr came, I became dissatisfied with this relationship. I have been unhappy for ...
A. 28 August 2010: Are you sure you don' have too much invested in this relationship and you are letting the economy ruin your otherwise stable relationship? Are you sure your unhappiness has more to do with him than with you?
I am just saying, things are tough an... (read in full...)
His gf dumped him...how do I let him know am interested in dating him?
Q. This guy friend of mine, we worked together until his contract was canceled. When we worked together he liked to flirt with me and stuff, but we never get into anything b/c he had a GF and we were just joking. Now, his GF dumped him, so he's try...
A. 28 August 2010: I don't like guys who make sexual comments to me when I am not dating them, nor do I like them to do that especially when they have a girlfriend. Did you ever consider that his girlfriend dumped him because he wasn't sincere in his commitment to ... (read in full...)
Is a relationship with a high doom factor worth pursuing?
Q. Hello! Just wanted to know your thoughts. If a relationship has a high doom factor, is it worth pursuing? Would you pursue it? I met someone recently but he lives very far, not to mention he's at a very different stage of his life to m...
A. 28 August 2010: Hell No, and No way no how, it's a waste of your time and his and will lead to doom....who want's doooooommmm in their lives? Unless you are running away from life.... (read in full...)
I've been hurt so badly and don't want to get hurt again
Q. Okay, I'm 16 almost 17 years old. I'm breaking down more than ever right now. I've been in two past relationships that were both ended horribly. When I was 13 my first ex decided to treat me like crap and never want to do anything and then have se...
A. 28 August 2010: Hi, hun
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time and feeling so low and I'd like to make you feel better, but I am not sure you're going to like what I have to say.
Just know that you are entitled to all of your feelings, even the ones wh... (read in full...)
Is it possible to not have to play games in a relationship?
Q. Is it possible to not have to play games in a relationship? I am in a long distance relationship. I have been in contact with this guy for just over a year. When we were just friends, things were great. But since we decided to be "in a relationship" ...
A. 28 August 2010: I think it depends a lot on how intimate you are with your partner and that has a lot to do with time, time spent together in activities and life and peeling back the layers to reveal the real you a little at a time.
The bad thing is that Long Dis... (read in full...)
She won't swallow!! Help!
Q. How after 5 years of great sex do I get my girlfriend to swallow? I return the faver to her in every way..oral sex, anal licking, she dose not like oral sex on her but she lets me preform it on her every so often and enjoys it most of the time. She ...
A. 28 August 2010: Dude! She's a person, not a sex object and if she doesn't want to swallow then stop expecting her to, this isn't all about you...and sex isn't tit for tat if you understand my meaning, it's called making love for a reason....love her the way she is ... (read in full...)
He wants to keep me a secret from his friends at work!!
Q. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year now. We both tell each other we love each other. In public he is very affectionate and treats me very well. We've both met each other's families, etc. All of his military friends and ...
A. 28 August 2010: What would be the reason that his friends at your work are not friends with you? How could a whole group of co workers not like you?
The only way I can see that happening is if he himself is talking trash about you behind your back, and not call... (read in full...)
My ex has really messed me up, and used me for sex, how can I move on?
Q. I am feeling really distraught at the moment. I broke up with my ex a year ago now, and I still can't get over him. I even went to see a psychiatrist for 4 months after the break up because I was a complete mess. I feel like I still get upset about ...
A. 28 August 2010: From the little bit of what you have told about your ex, I suspect he actually may have an AXIS II Personality Disorder, such as Borderline or Narcissistic. Being exposed to this much pathology changes your thinking and your world view and it is ... (read in full...)
Having trouble staying interested in straight sex with my wife
Q. I have been faithful to my wife for the better part of two decades. I love her very much. Physically, however, I find myself having grown very bored with "regular" sex over the last few years. When we have sex, I have to fantacise to get into it. ...
A. 28 August 2010: http://www.savvymiss.com/love-advice/sex-advice/sex-sex-sex-archive/article/the-truth-about-sex-addiction-2486.html... (read in full...)
He cried when he ejaculated! Is this normal?
Q. i have just started a new relationship and slept together for the first time although we didnt have sex just foreplay . i just wondered if it was normal for a man to cry whilst ejeculating never had this happen before ...
A. 28 August 2010: I'd say it can be normal for some men some of the time, particularly if his orgasm was very intense, it's sort of an autonomic response (not voluntary) to extreme pleasure or joy.... (read in full...)
I think I'm in love with my therapist
Q. I googled this topic recently when I started to have strong feelings for my therapist recently. I read all about transference and many other cases where patients have felt these strong feelings toward their therapist so I know it's not uncommon. I ...
A. 28 August 2010: She wouldn't be a very good therapist if she wasn't able to get that transference out of you, and the fact that you are going more frequently to therapy does not mean that she feels romantically attracted or sexually attracted to you...and she's ... (read in full...)
Having trouble staying interested in straight sex with my wife
Q. I have been faithful to my wife for the better part of two decades. I love her very much. Physically, however, I find myself having grown very bored with "regular" sex over the last few years. When we have sex, I have to fantacise to get into it. ...
A. 28 August 2010: "I enjoy masturbation more" "I don't care if we even have sex". "I want to try threesomes"
Let me guess, you watch porn while masturbating and have done so for along time.
Although, you may want to spice up your sex life, that is fine, bu... (read in full...)
My older BF said "I could be your dad...". What's going on??
Q. I'm 18, my bf is 34. We've been seeing each other for six months. I'm happy with him and he seems happy too. Lately though, we never seem to go out anymore. We cook at his place, read, watch movies and go to sleep and he clings to me like crazy and ...
A. 28 August 2010: I think Dirtball has it about right. You do sound more mature than most young 18 year old girls, however, the fact that your boyfriend is a middle aged man, 16 years older than you he is more than likely mostly interested in the sex he has with ... (read in full...)
I'm truly in love with my teacher, should I wait 2 years to be with him?
Q. I'm in love with my 35 year old maths teacher... and, please don't tell me it's just a crush, because I've researched into what love feels like, and I asked my mum (not telling her about my teacher though) so I know for sure that I'm in love with ...
A. 27 August 2010: Here is another example of your lack of maturity. When someone calls you out on your wrong thinking, immaturity, lack of moral code, lack of empathy for others, lack of acountability and responsibility for your actions, you consider that ... (read in full...)
I'm truly in love with my teacher, should I wait 2 years to be with him?
Q. I'm in love with my 35 year old maths teacher... and, please don't tell me it's just a crush, because I've researched into what love feels like, and I asked my mum (not telling her about my teacher though) so I know for sure that I'm in love with ...
A. 27 August 2010: Great, you are getting along fine with your father, and you KNOW what I am trying to tell you being clairvoyant and all.
Here's what I think.
You are a spoiled brat who thinks she can somehow control men with her eyes and her looks, possibly ... (read in full...)
I'm truly in love with my teacher, should I wait 2 years to be with him?
Q. I'm in love with my 35 year old maths teacher... and, please don't tell me it's just a crush, because I've researched into what love feels like, and I asked my mum (not telling her about my teacher though) so I know for sure that I'm in love with ...
A. 26 August 2010: Please tell us what your relationship with your father is like? Does he live with you? Are your parents divorced? Do you have a step father? If so, how does he treat you? How old were you when your father left, if he left?
If you could ju... (read in full...)
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