| *een there Now over it
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| | *een there Now over it's profile:At 64 yo I've been in a number of relationships and gone thru a lot of life's experiences. We all have rocky times in our lives but I have done my best with each instance and am the happiest and most successful person I know. I am upbeat and optimistic, and always try to make others feel the same. I really enjoy seeing someone shine, especially a young person with true talent.
I live in Los Angeles and am on the liberal side. I am a little more accepting of some predicaments than other DQ helpers. As for spirituality, I am agnostic and live purely by the Golden Rule...Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This very simply covers EVERYTHING!
In 2015 I had shoulder surgery (rotator cuff), which resulted in my left arm being tied to my side, 24/7 for the next month. I was mostly at home and spending a lot of time browsing the internet. I found Dear Cupid and - disappointed by the way some people were letting themselves be treated so poorly - decided to post some answers. I discovered that I was giving the questions much more thought than if just reading them. So this has become a matter of personal growth for me as well as extending help to others. Depending on what's going on in my life I get on here and read questions sporadically, and answer only a minority of them. If I read but don't answer a question it is because either 1) I don't feel I have any good advice to give or add, or 2) the info provided in the question isn't sufficient for me to make a judgement.
My favorite quote: "People tend to believe two things...what they want to believe and what scares the hell out of them." |
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What do I say, if anything about our LDR? Why re-connect with these girls? Why have a racist friend?
Q. I've been dating my so for a while now and we have a fabulous relationship the majority of the time. However he lives 418 miles away in a big city and I'm stuck here in a small town. There are a few problems that have arisen and the majority of ...
A. 31 December 2015: He may love you to bits but he is insensitive and not really interested or serious about having the kind of relationship you want. That is just his nature. Also, a guy has to be a major boob to not understand how or why his continuing relationships ... (read in full...)
Am I wasting my time with legally separated man?
Q. Dear all, I am dating a wonderful man who is legally separated but not divorced. He is 10 years older than me, he lives 5 mins from his family home with two teenage daughters and on very good terms with his ex which I'm ok with. My concern i...
A. 31 December 2015: He sounds like a good guy but will be unwilling to fully separate from his sick wife, which I respect. This is certainly going to take some compromising on your part. You just have to make a decision as to whether you can deal with this situation ... (read in full...)
Where can I meet men besides the bar or dating sites?
Q. My (ex) boyfriend ended our long term relationship back in the summer of 2014, and I've been single since. He was the first actual relationship I've had, and I met him back in college. Well, now I don't really know where to go and meet men and...
A. 31 December 2015: A lot of great guys feel just like you do...not wanting to feel foolish by approaching a woman and then getting shut down because she's married or whatever. It will certainly help to keep that in mind during your search for the right guy. I'm ... (read in full...)
If I don't change I'm afraid she'll leave me. But I don't want to be pushed around. What can I do?
Q. I have been seeing a wonderful woman for almost 6 months now. When we met, the connection was real and we hit it off almost instantly. The only difference is that she's religious, but I'm not. As far as I've always been concerned it didn't p...
A. 31 December 2015: Your beliefs are just as legitimate as her beliefs. I've had four relationships with religious women. All started out with seemingly mutual acceptance of each other, then finally dissolved when I wouldn't change to their beliefs. I never argued ... (read in full...)
Should I get checked by doctor for any STI?
Q. Please help me. The other day I was "hooking up" with this guy, but we didn't have sex (I'm a virgin). I was curious from never doing it before so I put his penis in my mouth and gave him a brief blowjob, only for a few seconds. I wasn't even ...
A. 31 December 2015: Yes, you could possibly have a STI from this contact even though it was minimal. You not only had the penis inside your mouth (skin contact can transmit herpes) but there could be other diseases passed to you in the precum. Chances are th... (read in full...)
My mother is having an affair with a married man. Worried that she'll be hurt. What can I do?
Q. Dear cupid, My mum is having an affair with a married man. It started 5 years ago when she was caring for my father who had dementia. He was coming around the house as his job is to teach computers and mum wanted to learn. I knew about it b...
A. 31 December 2015: It sounds like this relationship will die a slow death if you don't get involved, but probably a much slower death if you do. I would let mom go thru the process alone or she could very well blame it on you if you continue to intercede, driving ... (read in full...)
How do I beat the fear of relocating?
Q. I need advice about re-locating my whole life somewhere new! I am 43, single woman - divorced 5 years ago after a 10 year marriage. I don't have children and I have the kind of job that I can pretty much do anywhere. In some respects this kind of ...
A. 29 December 2015: My sister felt the same as you, moving from Los Angeles to Hawaii at the age of 45. She always said it was the best decision she ever made. She came back to visit only once. You are very fortunate to be in such a good position in your life...a... (read in full...)
Should I try this blind date with a woman I'm not sure of to experience my first lesbian experience?
Q. dear cupids, i am a woman who experienced sex before with a man, then while with the man asked him to experience threesome (2 female one guy) and he refused then accepted, but we never got the chance to do it because we broke up. now i am ...
A. 28 December 2015: It is fine to text, e-mail or share a phone call before meeting. But you really want to meet her before committing to sex. It would even be a good thing to hang out together for a few afternoons before having sex. Much of the fun in sex comes ... (read in full...)
How can I talk to my Dad about masturbation? I am trying to give up masturbating
Q. I am 15 and have been masturbating for maybe around a year and I ve really been trying to give it up. I feel really guilty and stressed and I wanna tell my dad but I feel like it would really change how he sees me, since we re pretty much bros I ...
A. 28 December 2015: While they rarely talk about it, every guy your age masturbates. It is a necessity for males. Perhaps more important than eating. This is why God put both your hands where they are and not near your mouth.
Ask yourself why and how you came to ... (read in full...)
Where do I stand in this? FWB but I get no respect and he insults me.
Q. Im a first year student who has got into a friends with benefits relationship with a guy who doesn't respect me. We had drunken sex in the first couple of weeks of university a few times, we then didn't see each other for a while but now it has s...
A. 28 December 2015: This guy is a loser and he's bringing you down, too. Don't let him do that. Even if he tells you he wants a relationship his actions have already spoken louder. If you continue on with this fellow, make sure you are using protection again... (read in full...)
I am 15 and I love writing lyrics for songs. How do I chart a path to get my lyrics noticed, find the right professional contacts and a path to succeed?
Q. Hi there, I am writing, to seek some help on my future career in writing. So, I absolutely, and truly, love to write. I write poems, and stories, and songs. I also love to sing, a lot. I have been singing, pretty much since I was a toddler,...
A. 28 December 2015: You are so fortunate to have direction and passion at your age. And are already working hard for what you want. Really, you are halfway there!. As for becoming an author, you are already doing the most important thing you can do, and that is ... (read in full...)
What's the best way to call it quits?
Q. My question is: Is it acceptable to split up with a woman via email or over the phone. I have been dating for someone for about 4 months but it isn't going anywhere and I would like to end it. I want to do it properly in the right way. I was going ...
A. 28 December 2015: The way not to do it: I have a friend who lived with her boyfriend. She came home one night and found him completely moved out and just a Post-it note left on the bathroom mirror to inform her of his intentions.
Have a personal conversa... (read in full...)
Should I try this blind date with a woman I'm not sure of to experience my first lesbian experience?
Q. dear cupids, i am a woman who experienced sex before with a man, then while with the man asked him to experience threesome (2 female one guy) and he refused then accepted, but we never got the chance to do it because we broke up. now i am ...
A. 28 December 2015: Lots of women have casual sex with other females without having any problems develop. You say that your friend knows this woman thru "an application." An application here in the USA ordinarily refers to a job application but I'm not sure if ... (read in full...)
What is the likelihood of this working, considering that I wonder if we are intellectually incompatible?
Q. This may end up being a bit lengthy so I apologise in advance if there turns out to be a lot of reading to be done. My current significant other and I have been together for 1 year and roughly 3 months, however we have known each other for about ...
A. 27 December 2015: These are differences that don't seem repairable. You stand your ground and does the same but more so, taking it to the level of being downright stubborn and unreasonable. I can tell that you aren't the kind of person who can put up with this for ... (read in full...)
Is paying for sex the best option, when a guy is 25 year old virgin, and has a porn addiction?
Q. I'm a male virgin who's never kissed a girl and I have a porn addiction. I watch it everyday, multiple times a day, and of course masturbate like crazy. It becomes a compulsive need to get home from work, or any social gathering and start looking up ...
A. 27 December 2015: I would avoid visiting a prostitute as it has a higher probability of being a negative experience (messing with your head) rather than a positive one. There are probably prostitutes out there who could make your first time a good one but they are ... (read in full...)
Online dating: how do I make this work? When I suggest meeting up they back-off
Q. Dear Cupid After failed relationship, someone suggested me to try online dating, so I registered. So that was the easy part. Got a lot of hits and requests, and I tried connecting to few people. Almost everyone I talked to, never suggested to ...
A. 25 December 2015: We've all heard on-line dating-site stories about the other person not being what they represented. They may worry about you having misrepresented yourself (such as an ages old photo) or they themselves might have posted a too-glorious profile and ... (read in full...)
Why would a girl ask me if I was gay if I prefer cuddling to penetrative sex? I do have some ED.
Q. I pick up girls quite often. I'm not interested in penetration only cuddling etc(also a bit of ED, but never had much interest in sex). I explain this to them beforehand of course and never was rejected because of it. The girls still seem to enjoy...
A. 25 December 2015: My first guess: She would have liked to go all the way and was just being slightly mean due to her annoyance. My next guess: She is quick in stereotyping males and had expected you to be more like the ordinary guy she runs into. In any case, she ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend never calls me unless he wants to see me
Q. I got back with my ex boyfriend after a break up of two years and no communication. We broke up because he does not respect time and likes coming at my place at night and hardly during the day. We went out twice since we got back together and I miss ...
A. 24 December 2015: He may care about you but very, very little. You deserve somebody who cares about you a lot. You say that, "he never calls me unless he wants to see me." What if we added a word here; "he never booty calls me unless he wants to see me." Does ... (read in full...)
I want to spend Christmas with my mom and boyfriend and now he wants to spend Christmas with his mom. I'm not happy about this!
Q. Cutting a long story short. Last year my dad left my mum, she now lives with my two younger brothers, which truthfully they don't really care about her. This will be the first time she is on her own (brothers are going to dads) and it's the first ...
A. 24 December 2015: Of all the people involved here, your mom is in the saddest situation and most deserving of Christmas cheer. I'm a little concerned over your bf's lack of empathy for her.
Cindy provides the best solution, having two events, one for each family. ... (read in full...)
Is it ok to date someone 15 years younger?
Q. Is it really ok for a 48 year old (me-female) to go out with a 32 year old (mature/sensible)guy? I don't have a big issue with age gaps but this seems quite a big gap. Is it doomed to end in disaster? I have two grown up daughters and he so far ...
A. 23 December 2015: I was about the same age as your friend when I started a 5-year relationship with a woman 13 years my senior. We had a lot of fun together and were a good match on many levels. It was a really nice relationship.
I do think it can cause a proble... (read in full...)
Confrontation. Was it right to not confront him? Does it seem as if I didn't stand up for myself?
Q. I dated a guy for 2 months then he stopped responding to my messages one day. I didn't confront him about it or anything, I was actually about to be going on a trip so I didn't have time for the drama. 2 weeks later while I'm on my trip he tells me ...
A. 23 December 2015: One possibility is that he found another romantic interest and his attention went in that direction. That fizzled and he came back to you. But whether he got your messages or not, it is a bit of a mystery as to why he stopped corresponding with ... (read in full...)
Can differences in libido be addressed? How? Will these differences affect out relationship?
Q. how important do you think it is to be sexually compatible? i am a very sexual person and my girlfriend seems to occupy the space at the other end of the spectrum my attempts to address this divide almost always leads to fights. iv told her that...
A. 21 December 2015: There is really no way to upgrade your girl's low libido unless it is due to a physical problem (such as painful sex) or she is looking for a different type of sex (such as BDSM). You don't say anything that would suggest those are factors. Not ... (read in full...)
He doesn't seem bothered. Yet my friend's lifetime dream has been shattered. How can I help?
Q. I've been keeping touch with an old friend of mine from school who left early because he found an opportunity to pursue an artistic direction, something he had always wanted to do. He's not the type who talks much, and I've often misinterpreted w...
A. 21 December 2015: I went back to UCLA film school in my late 40's and took an animation course as part of the film/tv program. It was the most difficult course I've ever taken in my life. Everything is about high math (it made algebra look simple) with no emphasis ... (read in full...)
I'm still in love with my ex! We talk all the time and I just can't move on. Advice?
Q. I had been dating this guy who I met online back 2014, we talked FOREVER and got to know each other so well, we got along, we agreed on everything, he was perfect for me.. He admitted he loved me over the phone (during those 5am calls that lasted 10 ...
A. 21 December 2015: I'd get back together with him. The level of communication you describe is rare between two adults and should be valued. One of two things will happen: Either it'll work out or you'll figure out that he isn't the guy for you after all. But you ... (read in full...)
Is my fitness instructor boyfriend trying to score this other girl in his class?
Q. I have been dating my fitness instructor for the past two and a half years. I met him as a client in his class. As the gym has policies in place prohibiting such relationships, we have kept our involvement under wraps. I was in his class today ...
A. 21 December 2015: He has to be under a lot of pressure if he could possibly lose his job over your relationship. This pressure may have ebbs and flows, depending on various factors including his bosses and policing of company policies. It is difficult to imagine ... (read in full...)
Why doesn't she want to see the xmas party photos?
Q. I'm well over 50 and work with a lovely girl in her late 20s. We have always got along very well but due to the age gap and personal circumstances I've never made a pass at her and never would. I'm married and she has a long term boyfriend, who she ...
A. 20 December 2015: Tisha and Ruby have good points. Another possibility is that she feels guilty about having a good time with you and doesn't want to be reminded thru photos. Or perhaps she worries that with that many photos, at least one will get to her ... (read in full...)
We have started living together and I am scared she feels trapped!
Q. Every time I try and initiate sex with my girlfriend at the moment she turns me down, and on the rare occasions we do have sex I feel like a prick and that I've pressured her into it. She says it's ok and I shouldn't feel bad about it- that it's jus...
A. 20 December 2015: First, determine if any meds she's taking really does have an effect on her sex drive. Just Google each med and add "side effects" to the search. If there are such side effects, do some additional research to determine whether there are substitute ... (read in full...)
I want to compete in a beauty contest, but speaking in public makes me anxious.Should I contest or move on?
Q. I didn't pull through to represent my country at the miss universe pageant. I didn't even make it through the auditions because I am a nervous wreck or was. I don't know, I have so much confidence as a person and I know back then in universi...
A. 19 December 2015: Don't give up on your dreams. You are nearly there. Years from now you could be kicking yourself for not taking advantage of the opportunity when it was presented to you.
In addition to practicing your public speaking, confidence comes from spe... (read in full...)
I'm concerned the impression I'll make on our first date!
Q. I have started talking to a guy on-line and we are planning to meet for the first time tomorrow. I am not too confident about my physical appearance as I have lost about 30kg over the years, but now at an average size. I am big busted and the weight ...
A. 19 December 2015: Good things often come from being engaged in life and taking chances. I would definitely go on the first date with him. Hopefully, you'll keep fully clothed for the first few meetings. Women are often overly self-conscious about their bodies, be... (read in full...)
How do I stop feeling used?
Q. Hi. So I got out of a relationship at the end of October and I really liked the guy. In the relationship he told me he stopped liking his best friend (who is a girl) after I asked if he still liked her because some metal friends were telling me he ...
A. 19 December 2015: Your feelings won't go away overnight. You are getting to the age where you'll probably start dating more and more. Much of your hurt is due to him having someone and you don't. This will change and, when you start dating your next guy, you'll ... (read in full...)
He's being generous but I don't feel I can accept his gifts and money!
Q. I met a guy about 6 months ago. I'm 23 and I work as a bartender while going to school. He is a lot older then me (he's 38). He came into the bar I work one night with some friends and we ended up chatting. He came in the following night and asked ...
A. 19 December 2015: The Christmas tree and groceries were a very nice gesture but, as you say, the $5,000 check is a bit much considering that you still seem to be in the early stage of your relationship.
A gift this size can make you feel uncomfortably indebted... (read in full...)
Our wedding is due soon. But I am having trust issues with my LDR fiance. what can I do?
Q. I am am Indian male and I am on a ldr with an Indian gal leading to marriage. But I am having trust issues. She started to lie to my family about where she goes, what she does. I think she might be lying to me as well. I found her with many white li...
A. 19 December 2015: Base your decisions on the very strong likelihood that things are not going to get better. You're seeing the relatively "good" side of her now. It will get worse after marriage.
It is no fun to call of a marriage but doing so is for your own... (read in full...)
Is there a possible reason? He's become more affectionate recently
Q. My BF of over 3 years had really ramped up the affection recently. He's not the type to talk about feelings AT ALL. He's a very rational and confident person. Last few weeks though he has been so affectionate that it's thrown me! He's almost beco...
A. 18 December 2015: He should be telling you multiple times a day that he loves you. That's not unusual in a relationships. Are you responding in kind? If not, try it and see what happens.
Honestly, we don't have that much practice in answering this type of quest... (read in full...)
I know he wants children and I don't, so what's the best way to go about ending the marriage?
Q. I've been married for 2 years and have been with my husband 8 years before we got married. I never wanted children - he did. I was honest from the start about children- he was upset- understandably but accepted that we wouldn't have any and th...
A. 18 December 2015: It seems as though he loves you very much and he probably thinks he would rather spend his life with you than with anyone else, even if they could give him children. While he is saddened that he doesn't have the prospect of having children, he ... (read in full...)
How can I meet more suitable men?
Q. I think I am struggling to meet a suitable guy because maybe I have too much. I have worked hard all my life and have my own house and car and have two grown up children. I was a young single parent but I studied and worked really hard. The guys I ...
A. 18 December 2015: You obviously need to be around a better group of men. Those you mention are what I would expect to meet while hanging out at a bus terminal. Take a look at your community service groups...they are usually full of successful and interesting ... (read in full...)
Fed up of being the one to make the situation better. Any advice?
Q. Hi, im 17 year old girl who has split from my boyfriend 8 months now, we ended it on good terms as we thought it was best. This has not been the case, at first he was pleasant and understanding; and then he started to act cocky and made comments...
A. 18 December 2015: Communication is usually good but I would avoid trying to clear the air by once again communicating with him. He will very likely relate your communication to his friends but with whatever self-serving twist he wants to put on it. Don't give him ... (read in full...)
The lack of sex in our relationship is taking a toll
Q. I am a man in my early 40s in a long term relationship that I have been in for 20 years. We have 2 children, 1 mid and 1 late teens. After the birth of our second child my partner developed a physical problem which meant that sex was painful....
A. 18 December 2015: The fact that she won't talk about it is a huge red flag and a strong sign that she is not willing to change. Even if vaginal intercourse is painful for her, she should help you get off in other ways, possibly by hand or mouth. That would be the ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend suggested an open relationship
Q. Hi I'm a 22 and so is my boyfriend. One year ago, at the beginning of our relationship I felt loved, wanted and I trusted him. I loved giving bjs, he loved receiving them and we had sex several times a day. Now it's a bit different. He...
A. 18 December 2015: This doesn't have much to do with you...it is with him. He's sexually dysfunctional. A 22 yo guy should not need to watch porn in order to get off. Having you give him a BJ while he watches other people having sex (porn) is both insulting to you ... (read in full...)
What are signs that someone likes you? I think he likes me
Q. I'm 17, and I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. This doesn't bother me in the slightest because I'm not an innately sexual person or someone who displays feelings well. I've never asked out anybody that I've really fancied for fear of reje...
A. 16 December 2015: You've said a bunch of things that strongly suggest he likes you. Can you think of a reason he'd be paying so much positive attention to you if he wasn't interested? Guys fear rejection, too, so it often takes us a little while to get our ... (read in full...)
I think I'm so bad at sex that I should consult a sex therapist or sex coach! Is it worth it?
Q. Dear Cupid It's embarrassing to even say it but i completely suck when it comes to sex, I can't do anything. Had two long relationship, one with ex bf who didn't care much and we hardly had any and everytime I just lie down and he will do his job ...
A. 16 December 2015: You don't give us the reason(s) you believe you are poor at sex. It would help if you could inform us about that. If it's because you've watched porn where the performers are going crazy over each other, be aware that is not the type of sex most... (read in full...)
My morther's behaviour at my wedding upset me
Q. I got married 2 months ago and I noticed that on my wedding day my mother was very cold towards me. Just to give you a brief outline- my mother is a control freak and at times can be toxic. As a child I suffered greatly with her being both ...
A. 14 December 2015: She lost control of you on that day. It marked the end of her ability to be physically and verbally abusive to you. And she is probably very envious that you are happy and that she isn't. Perhaps her being especially nasty to you on your wedding ... (read in full...)
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