A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a man in my early 40s in a long term relationship that I have been in for 20 years. We have 2 children, 1 mid and 1 late teens.After the birth of our second child my partner developed a physical problem which meant that sex was painful. Sex went from once a month to twice a year to never. I have not had any physical contact with my partner for 3 years. She has been for all of the tests, had exploratory surgery and councelling but to no avail. Now she has just forgotten about it and won't even talk about it. I have not mentioned it at all in 2015. To make matters worse my partner suffers from depression so instigating this type of conversation send our relationship in to an even worse place.I am now struggling mentally as this element of the relationship I miss greatly and cannot go on in this way but my partner is happy to carry on like this and expect me to just grin and bear it whilst carrying on with all of the other relationship responsibilities.I don't know where to go as I love my partner but cannot live like this but also cannot leave. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): What would worry me in this situation is not the lack of vaginal sex, but ANY KIND of sex. That is the real problem. Now, why is that the case?
If penetration is panful for her, you going down on her shouldn't be, not to mention her going down on you.
I understand that she is frustrated but I do not think that she only has a physical problem and depression can be just a symptome.
Has she enjoyed sex before? I know how stupid this may sound, but there are many women out there who have never learned how to reach an orgasm with a partner. Reasons for that are numerous and have mostly to do with the repressed society we live in. Women are expected to orgasm just as easily as men and if one cannot reach it easily, well there must be something wrong with her. So most women just turn off that part of their sexuality and fake it to please everybody and to keep the pressure off of themselves.
Once they reach a certain age and have children, they simply give up and stop playing that game. Also, hitting fourty or getting near can be tough for a woman. First serious signs of getting old show up and one starts reevaluating one's life... and yes it can lead to depression.
Now, if she is medically depressed (we use the word "depressed" pretty lightly) she needs to seek professional help. Please note that antidepressants are killers for sex-drive and they won't help in the short run. But if a doctor (a real psychiatrist not a GP) prescribes them to her, it would be best to use that short window they will provide to address the REAL problem, whatever it may be.
Apart from you treating her liek a queen, it would help that she's not alone with her problems. Many women suffer too from depressiona and/or from pain during sex. If she has pain more or less constantly but it gets worse during sex, you should look up vulvodynia.
Now, let's start with you. I understand that you are devoted to your wife and love her dearly, but... it is hard. I cannot imagine what it is like to live in that relationship for years now. Now, I don't wish to speak ill of your wife, she obviouslyhas a lot of problems, but in a way she is blackmailing you with her depression. You have stopped seeking a solution to yur problem because it will make her even more depressed. You know what? That's BS. It cannot be worse than it is. She may be running away from pain (I am not talking about sex, but more doctors and shrinks and exams) but this is not a way to live. What she does with her life is one thing, but she has no right to do nothing and destroy teh lives of her children and the man she loves.
I am not writing this as a partner of someone who went through depression, but as someone who lives with depression. It's hard. It's ugly. It's exhausting. An most of all it's unfair. But there it is and I hav eto deal with it. Every second of every day.
I do not take meds (thank God I don't have to), but I need to stay active and organized. I need to watch my diet (fresh fruit, veggies...) and exercise regularly. I need to work and stay occupied.
It is really important to adress all the possible causes. Physical problems can cause depression, but often depression can find a way to manifest itself physically. It is not less debilitating.
I would continue caring for my partner and at teh same time find a way to interest her in other forms of sex. If she refuses you will know where togo from there. Either work on the problem, or leave. I'm sprry to say, but a good relationship may not be based on sex, but it certanly cannot exist without it.
Btw she may want to leave too but has nbo choice. I don't know just a couple of ideas...
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (18 December 2015):
The fact that she won't talk about it is a huge red flag and a strong sign that she is not willing to change. Even if vaginal intercourse is painful for her, she should help you get off in other ways, possibly by hand or mouth. That would be the loving thing for her to do and would help meet the expectations you had going into the marriage.
This is really grounds for leaving her but I can understand that you don't want to. She has a problem beyond her painful sex and she needs to figure it out and work on it. The fix for this requires her first opening up to communication about this problem, whether those discussions are just with you, with a therapist or both.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 December 2015):
My Friend,
She knows how you feel, and her depression is also based on your feelings. Trust me...no wife wants to a disappointment to her husband. Her not having the answers is driving her crazy...just as it would you, if you were in her place.
However...This is where you can bring her back...get her back to herself when everything else seems to fail... How???
Just love her until it hurts..in a good way :) Forget the sex...but treat her as the sexy woman you married. Touch her lightly, kiss her and love her like you were dating all over again.
When starting a fire without a match, it is hard work, and takes time. Add the right amount for kindling (hugs, kiss, sweet words, encouragement, respect, appreciation, and so on) and you will see smoke. Keep tending to that smoke, and soon a flame will raise up. Once you have a flame, now you can make a fire :)
Sometimes these things happen to remind us that the road to great sex...it's not between her legs...it's inside her chest...all the kindling you need, just waiting for someone to take the time to make a fire. :)
Good luck...and Merry Christmas to you both :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): Maybe she does not know how much this is bothering you. Perhaps she believes you have accepted the status quo. As difficult as it is you need to tell her that you can't face a future with no intimacy. Problem is, I suspect sex is off the agenda for her. You are in a difficult situation. Some men might discreetly look elsewhere, as unacceptable as that may seem. So be straight with her, and have that conversation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): I'm sorry but this can't work. Each person in a marriage has a duty to fulfill each others needs, denying a partner sex is actually grounds for divorce. If she truly loved you she would do anything to make you happy and vice versa. You are miserable, sexually frustrated and she is not doing her duty as a wife. Only couples may abstain for a while under mutual consent, yes she has or has had physical problems but surely she knows you have needs there are other things you can do instead??
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 December 2015):
 There are four options available to you and her:
1. Continue as you have... you = miserable; her = indifferent to your suffering.
2. Some miracle happens, and she becomes "sexual" again,
3. You ask her... and she consents... that you may have sexuality outside your "relationship."
4. The relationship evaporates, and you and she go your separate ways....
Good luck...
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