A
female
age
41-50,
*anaMarie
writes:This may end up being a bit lengthy so I apologise in advance if there turns out to be a lot of reading to be done.My current significant other and I have been together for 1 year and roughly 3 months, however we have known each other for about 17 years now. He is actually my cousin's best friend and that is how we initially met. Since they have been friends from since childhood, he has been around, for any family events and things like that.We have both had a crush on each other since the first time we met, and although we messed around a couple of times throughout the earlier years, we were never pursued a relationship, and, save for my cousin, no one at all knew anything about us. Though we were never public, our little "love affair" was quite intense. We would proclaim our love for each other and when we saw each other it was as if the world would stop and it was just the two of us. It really was the quintessential teenage love story. I mean, our palms would literally get sweaty, and hearts beating, and we were just full of anxiety when we knew that we were going to see/meet each other. That butterfly, can't eat, can't sleep kinda feeling.That was approximately 14 years ago and only lasted for a few month (the both times that we hooked up). He lived in the country and I in the city so outside of family events I would hardly see him. The years passed and he was in a relationship, as was I, and when we did see each other after that it was always very neutral and cordial. Over the years neither of us got married, though he did have 2 kids. As life would have it, both our relationships didn't work out, and last September, quite unintentionally, we ran into each other. Of course we started talking, asking about each other's wellbeing and got to talking about our love lives, or lack of.Of course with both of us being single at the moment, we exchanged numbers and started reconnecting over WhatsApp and text messages. Naturally old feelings began to stir and before we knew it, we decided to give an actual relationship a try this time around - something we had never done in the past.The relationship started off great, those old intense feelings, coupled with the feelings everyone gets from a new relationship made for an intense few months. But as time started to go by, and newness wore off, I found that I was beginning to feel a little disgruntled. Now, this man is attractive, super nice and treats me well, however, he's not really the "brightest crayon in the pack" (I feel horrible just typing this out about my S/O). As we started talking about our futures and what we want in life and even our value and ideologies, I realised that we were way off-kilter. He is 35 years old and has high-school level education, no savings, no vehicle, and he's renting - which is all fine at the moment , but he had no future plan at all to change/improve his current situation. He is very happy to continue on like that forever. I on the other hand, am a 33 year old female, who has finished her BSc. and now pursuing the ACCA qualification. I have my own vehicle, for which has been paid off for, and I have a substantial amount of general savings, plus a really good annuity, as well as a life insurance. I also have health/medical . On top of that, I live with my just my father, and recently he signed over the house we live in to my name. Now before anyone bashes me and says "people don't just get houses everyday," the house is really in a dilapidated condition - I am actually in the process of trying to get a 150K mortgage loan to do dire renovations on the house before it falls on our heads. Anyway, he has none of those things even though he has kids (the kids don't live with him, but he pays child support each month, but I mean, what if there is an emergency of some sort?!). He also works for twice the amount of money that I work for so he has the resources to put certain things in place.Now he is not a lazy man. He has a job, in an oil refinery as a Plant Fitter, and which he is very diligent about ((I am an Accountant) . But outside of that, I feel like he is stagnant in mostly all other aspects of his life. As pointed out above, he is just "getting by." Beside that he doesn't have a social life per se. We do go out sometimes, but for the most part that's all the social activity he indulges in, I have girlfriends who I try to meet up for drinks, or a game night even, at least once every other month (busy schedules). At the most, he would drink one beer with his co-workers on a Friday after work, and since we've been together, he has probably done that like 3 or 4 times (in a year and 3 months?)!!!Now all of these things, though I did bring them up, they were for you all to see the entire picture. These things are not what has been bothering me too much, as I see myself independent and as such, unaffected by his financial health or his life ambitions (I mean, I think about them from time to time, but for me they're not a deal breaker).What's really grinding my gears is that I feel like we are intellectually incompatible. Now I am not, by any long shot, saying that I'm a super intelligent gal, but I am not a total dud either, but I feel like I am not intellectually challenged at all when i am with him. We talk about very mundane things, and when I try to take it deeper he gets very confused. He also cannot expound on things properly. When he explains something half of the details are left out and it leaves the listener very confused as to what he is trying to say or explain (not the WAY he speaks, but WHAT he says). Almost like he is too lazy to give a comprehensive explanation. This is not only my observation. I have seen where other people had the same problems when conversing with him. Because of this he comes across as being ignorant BUT he is not. He is really smart but he doesn't take his time when trying to explain something. Along the same lines, he would sometimes respond to a question about something totally different than what was asked...which again makes him look slow. I am not sure if he has a problem with his thought process...I tried to get into the things he likes, which is basically, video games and TV shows, just so that we could have something to discuss, but I am not sure what kind of deep, meaningful discussion we can have on Halo and anime :\The worst and most frustrating part is when we have an argument. The argument ALWAYS turns out to be monstrous, but not because of what we were initially arguing about, but because we cannot communicate AT ALL. At that point I really feel like I am arguing with an idiot (feeling terrible again), because he would start to argue about something totally non-related, but in his mind he thinks it is related. There are times when I am talking to him and I literally have to break down each point, thought, and sentence and talk as though I am talking to a 5 year old - and I HATE doing that, but I try to lay out every point as simple as possible so that we can have a rational discussion on whatever the issue is. I absolutely abhor shouting matches; I would rather we sit down and discuss whatever issue we have and try to find a way forward, as in my mind I feel like it is the more mature approach to solving any problems that we may have. Anyway, I think because I try to break down things in a simpler manner for him when we argue, he (maybe subconsciously) gets offended, or defensive, and doesn't let me get a word in edgewise - at all! And when I do, he totally walks off, or hangs up the phone (accordingly). This infuriates me because I always let him have his say without interrupting him in hopes that we can have a discussion and NOT an argument. When it's my "turn" however he allows me to start my point and 2 words in, once he is not in agreement, he cuts me off totally, talking above me, walking off or hanging up the phone.I don't know what again to do about this big "thought process" divide between the both of us. It affects the relationship, even in small say-to-day things that we do.I tried to give all the details but if you need further insight as I don't know if this is major thing or if I am just being an ass about it all. Anyone with a similar experience that can send some advice my way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): You are starting to see grey areas in the relationship and I am wondering if you want him just because there is no one else on the scene.He may be partially deaf from working in the plant and he may be relying on lip reading and body language for additional cues.He may be a body language person and you may be an analytical person.Its difficult for me to comment because it depends a lot on how you feel about each other but I would say there is little point in breaking it down as you for a five year old, because he is not five. He has a wealth of personal experience and you would not enjoy a step by step broken down lecture about something he can make for example.You would just admire his skill without wanting to replicate it yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): ;Let's say you have just met the guy... would it go beyond simple attraction?
I've noticed that many people who fell in love/started a long relationship before being fully mature, would not have chosen the same partner later in life. Not very romantic, but there it is..
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 December 2015):
 Look deeeeep inside you and ask youself, IF THIS MAN WILL NEVER CHANGE AND IS CONTENT WITH WHAT HE HAS AND WHO HE IS, CAN I LOVE HIM KNOWING THAT AND CONTINUE TO LOVE HIM AS HE IS ?
If your answer is No, then sweetheart, walk away.
If your answer is Yes, then stay.
If your answer is Maybe if only he changes this...then walk away because one thing Ive known is people dont change UNLESS they want to. And your man is content with who he is.
If sex is great, you do have fun and there is a connection but it isnt enough, you simply have to let go. Because from everything youve wrote here, you are simply loosing so much respect for your man. You feel bad for calling him stupid and slow but inside you know he is and you know you feel a bit superior and it frustrates you. But you want more and youre not to blame, but if you dont think he can give you want you want long term, then let him go. He needs a girl that respects him. Not his brain but his body, his feelings, and his manhood.
This aside, if you do meet a smart intellectual guy with a degree and good salary, can that guy give you what THIS Man gave you? Can a new guy give you same level of love and connection? Ask yourself these very questions.
TRUST ME, the smartest guy in the room isnt always the nicest. Smart men are equally as competitive and some are insanely disrespectful, may even call you slow if you hesitate during a conversation. What Im saying here is weigh your options. Being smart doesnt win over emotional intelligence. If your man right now satisfies you emotinally and physically, I think you should think twice before leaving him. But if you as a woman dont feel right with him, then walk.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (27 December 2015):
These are differences that don't seem repairable. You stand your ground and does the same but more so, taking it to the level of being downright stubborn and unreasonable. I can tell that you aren't the kind of person who can put up with this for the remainder of your life.The love story you two had when you were young is a beautiful memory but today it is no more than that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): I have a friend in a slightly similar situation. Her partner is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I've had more meaningful conversations with their 8yr old kids than with their father. But he's a Great Dad. He would do anything and everything for his kids. My friend is miserable. She feels stuck. She feels like he's a burden. She makes all of the financial decisions, doctors appointments, kids schedules, vacations, outings.Whenever she asks for his opinion he's says whatever you think is best. So from watching her go through this I think it would be better if you found someone a little bit more on your level. In the long run you want someone who can grow with you. A relationship where you value your partners opinion. I wouldn't want to have to spell everything out to my partner. You're more ambitious and want more from life. He's content with what he has. If you really like him and want this relationship to work. I would talk to him and tell him how you feel. Explain you need more mental stimulation. You'd like to have more meaningful conversations. You'd like to go out with him more. Basically tell him you'd like him to step it up mentally. Pick up the pace. See what he's says and if he even gets what your trying to say. Hopefully he'll be willing to put forth more effort. If not then maybe think about moving on and finding someone more intellectually compatible.
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