A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my fitness instructor for the past two and a half years. I met him as a client in his class. As the gym has policies in place prohibiting such relationships, we have kept our involvement under wraps. I was in his class today and he hardly looked at me or paid attention, usually he does. I asked him after class if anything was wrong and he said no. He said he was trying not to pay attention to me because there were less people in class than usual and he didn't want it to seem obvious if he was looking at me. So he said he was being cautious. Well, he usually always looks at me in class and pays attention. Not sure why this time was different. Class size has never been an issue before with regard to this.There is one woman in class who is a regular. She always sets up his equipment for him "just to be nice."She seems to hang after class and try to talk to him. And I did notice he seemed to look over at her more than usual. This has made me feel bad. It's just hard when you care about someone and they have to pretend you are just one of the clients like the rest of them. But I just thought that he seemed to look over at her more than he looked at me and this bothers and worries me.I ask myself if she is "in play" now so he is trying to look like he is not interested in anyone else to land her? He was being much more professional than usual too as his usual style is goofy and fun. He was not like that today. So I sense some changes. The changes in behaviour in my opinion always present red flags.So now I worry that after all this time my "magic" is wearing off him and he is seeking a new "client" conquest to score with. Because no matter what I do. No matter how beautiful I am or how perfect, I can never be brand new to him again nor can I ever create the rush of scoring a new conquest, I just can't. So I am worrying. Not able to eat. Just left alone with this all encompassing worry eating me up alive, from the inside out.I worry he ignore me because he has thoughts about her and is tired of me and on the verge of cheating.Can anyone help me make sense of this situation? I am very emotionally involved because I love him so much and I do my best to make him happy. But it isn't easy being with a guy who is a fitness instructor who is surrounded by women all the time. And you know he already crossed the line to be with me and I am a client. So what would stop him from repeating his behaviour?I will be seeing him tomorrow. I don't want to blow up at him and let my jealousy get the best of me. Please tell me what I should do. How should I handle it and if you think my worries are justified at all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): I am a fitness instructorWe do look at our participants in class. Part of our job to check their form and to be nice and to form a connection to keep them coming to our classes.I think OP is an overly jealous and paranoid GF and is seeing things that are not really there. And she is insecure due to the situation and her BF's job.We instructors are used to people being nice to us, engaging us in conversations after class. We even know if somebody has a little crush on us. But we keep it inside the class. Yeah, everybody looks. But that isn't enough to have these suspicions.How does the girl act with other instructors? Is she also friendly to them? Does she help to set them up too? Is she married and/or not interested in having affairs?If your BF is friendly to everyone do not worry. I think it's your over active imagination.Surely if he wanted her or anyone else he would not still be with tou 2.5 years later. You were never holding a gun to his head to keep him. He has free will and can make choices. He chooses to be with you.And I think any woman having to deal with this situation would have a hard time, feel equally jealous and insecure EVEN if she did have a commitment on paper. Husband or not, it ain't easy to deal with a man whose profession dictates he works with the opposite sex. My mom had to deal with that. My dad worked as a hair stylist with predominantly women as his clientele. He never cheated. He was friendly and God forbid, he looked at them, but that does not mean he wanted to bang any or all of them.Likely your BF knows you would cause a lot if trouble for him if he ever decided to date another client. I really don't think anybody would be that stupid to open themselves up to that kind of ridicule, exposure and loss of personal and professional respect in the work place.If he is paying attention to you and is happy with you then relax. It's patterns of behaviour which mean something. Not behaviour on one isolated day.So if he would do things around this woman over and over then be concerned. But then again I doubt he would be that blatantly stupid to do anything right in front of you and to risk pissing you off.We instructors have different moods some days.And how you know he was looking at her. He could have glanced which is fine or looked in her direction. Maybe you made way too much out if it.Nothing you have said suggests he has any interest in her outside of class.Just try to relax.If you see patterns which continue regularly then decide how to proceed.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 December 2015):
 You are a very patient lady if, after two years, he has not just come clean and made the relationship official.
My take on this situation may not be what you want to hear. But sadly I think he is not as committed towards you as you are towards him.
You do deserve better than to be his 'secret.'
he has demonstrated that he can disregard the rules at his workplace. Thus he is comfortable about evasive with the truth to his employer.
Which means he is capable of being evasive towards you, his secret girlfriend.
If you changed gyms next time the membership renewal came up then I wonder if he would find another excuse to not make your relationship official.
You know him very well.
Any change in behaviour is a big sign. You have noticed the change.
I suspect that the other lady has a major crush on him and he is flattered and sees her as a budding challenge.
I think your suspicions may well turn out to be true. That he is distancing himself from you. Plus he is replicating the same behaviour by glancing more frequently at one person in class.
This time that one person is not you.
Any clandestine relationship would set off warning bells for me.
If he is drawn to you, wants to spend time with you, respects you, and sees a long term relationship with you then he's going to want to tell the world. Instead you have to put up with being the ''hidden'' girlfriend.
I am very sad to have to come to the conclusion that the gloss has worn off and he is looking around for his next conquest.
Perhaps it is only your patience and acceptance of the situation and your willingness to be the 'hidden' girlfriend that has kept the secret relationship going this long.
Many gals would walk away from the situation at the outset if asked to be the 'secret' girlfriend.
You really do deserve to receive more respect from him than to be hidden away.
While you have bonded with him emotionally, he is not as bonded,(based on his actions/excuses/reactions).
If he is a serial womaniser who enjoys the initial chase and then moves on to the next chase, once he's bored, then no woman is ever likely to be his sole focus for very long.
If that is the case then he has done you a favour by revealing his disinterest so obviously.
While you remain so bonded to him you're stopping yourself from finding a guy who will adore you, want to make plans for a future together with you, and want to tell the world (by his actions towards you) that you truly are ''the one,'' to him.
I know that breaking up brings it's own pain. But from a breakup you can help you to grow stronger and learn more about your own inner strength and the true resilience that resides within you.
Emotional strength and Emotional intelligence both trump physical strength every time. I offer that emotional resilience will take you much further in the world than just IQ (intellectial intelligence)
An emotionally strong man never fear an emotionally strong woman who can stand up for herself.
An emotionally weak man will always be threatened by an emotionally resilient strong woman such that he needs to treat her less favourably and undermine her, mislead and lie to her and misrepresent himself, just appease his own inadequacy.
Assertively ask for what you want and mean what you say and expect to be treated respectfully at all times.
Then you are far more likely to attract a man who is a good match for the strength within you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): 2 years is a long time, and whilst I understand there are professionalism policies surely 2 years with someone is a serious relationship and this should be come out some time ago. In my gym two of the instructors met their now wives through the classes they instruct. It's not like this is a doctor/patient scenario or even anything serious could actually come of it.
When I worked with a bank there was a policy that staff couldn't date because of a very real and serious risk that 2 staff always took a key to the building and the safe home each and these keys formed a pair. With them you could technicaly attempt to rob the place, but 2 members of staff did meet and subsequently date and they were just honest straight away and the bank moved one to the branch in the next town. So even though it was against policy, and the reasons for this policy very serious, it wasn't the end of the world. What harm at a gym could a pt dating a client actually cause?
I would be questioning how serious this guy is about you, after 2 and a half years you shouldn't have to hide a relationship and to me it sounds like this is something he might do to try and get away with dating more than one girl...only you know him well enough as to whether he would do this but for me it doesn't sound that great or that he is interested in a long term future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): I think you might be a little paranoid... he could have been in bad form or distracted over something else that day! Look.. my BF is also a PT/fitness instructor with approx 60 female clients. I know how you feel. I used to get so jealous. Sometimes I still do but I keep it to myself and my non clingy non neediness has actually made us closer. PS trust is key. PPS they are very used to their clients flirting and staying behind to help but doesn't mean anything will happen! I'd be embarassed for her
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (21 December 2015):
He has to be under a lot of pressure if he could possibly lose his job over your relationship. This pressure may have ebbs and flows, depending on various factors including his bosses and policing of company policies. It is difficult to imagine him wanting to start another relationship under the same circumstances. For one, he'd likely worry about you informing gym management if he dropped you for someone else.
Your description suggests that the other woman is a regular but that the problem of him looking at her started today. If he was interested, it probably would have started when she first came to class. Why now? I'd not worry about this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 December 2015):
 I'm not sure how justified your worries are, I think he could be pulling back while at the gym to avoid getting "caught" dating a client.
And don't forget he is there to WORK not flirt and goof with you. It can also be that he KNOWS you will keep coming back where as a new client might not. So the newer clients get attention.
But I think instead of making up all these "scenarios" in your head that you try and pull back a little. IF he is not interested in you any more, you will know pretty fast.
And it Is try that no matter how pretty and "perfect" you are, IF he has a wandering eye he MIGHT look at other females too.
If I were YOU, I'd chill and see what happens next. Don't come off as desperate or clingy and CERTAINLY not at his work-place.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 December 2015):
 If he wants to keep his job at the gym, then he has to convey the message to any and all that he's not interested in you or seeing you. You do want him to keep his job, don't you?
I'm guessing what upset you is that he didn't make a fuss over you in the class. Why? Perhaps someone has noticed that he's involved with you.
I work out several times a week in my local gym. The trainers there are very observant; it's part of their job. They know who's dating who, they know who is having an affair. So much so that one of the trainers in my gym was served with a subpoena to testify in a child custody case! The trainer presumably was privvy to the private life of the client, and was NOT happy about that turn of events.
Let's look at it from this perspective: you aren't with him 24/7. You can't possibly be with him 24/7 unless you work together, live together, travel together and go to the bathroom together.
So, you have to decide if you trust him or not. Whether or not you are there, he's going to be surrounded by women, meet women, etc. That was the case when you met him and started dating him. Nothing has changed in that regard, correct?
So, if you can't handle being the secret girlfriend of a fitness instructor, I'd say you have two choices. One is to stop going to the gym, and go elsewhere, so you two are free to date openly and stop hiding the relationship. The second is to stop being his girlfriend, as you find it so difficult and upsetting to trust him, especially as he's already broken rules to date you. As you pointed out, what would stop him from repeating his behaviour? Nothing. Only his personal integrity would stop that.
If you can't trust him then you shouldn't be dating him, especially as you are using some very alarming words, like "No matter how beautiful I am or how perfect, I can never be brand new to him again nor can I ever create the rush of scoring a new conquest, I just can't." You are in your late 30s, presumably he's of a similar age. If he's a serial dater, as in, he keeps moving on after a few years, yes, you have a valid concern. I'm guessing he was either married or was seeing someone when you met? That this is a larger part of your concerns.
"So I am worrying. Not able to eat. Just left alone with this all encompassing worry eating me up alive, from the inside out." Okay, this is beyond some mild pangs of jealousy, this is a serious problem you have here. You can't eat and your negative thinking is out of hand.
I would quit the gym, go to another one and keep him wondering if you'll find your new fitness instructor attractive. This keeps him from losing his job when the deception he's been carrying on for so long inevitably comes out. It also frees him up to meet other women in class but then he's been able to do that all along, no? And if he does meet and decide to start dating another woman, you'd want to leave that gym anyway! So it's a pre-emptive move.
Or, what I think probably would make the most sense, is that you end the relationship, as you obviously do not and cannot trust him, not because of something he's done, but because he is who he is and has a job that he'll always have. You knew that going in.
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