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*hiRaven agony aunt

*hiRaven

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*hiRaven's profile:

I'm a retired widower living in a university town in the American midwest. I spent most of my life in Chicago.

Although I live in a town dominated by a major university, I choose to teach part-time at a very small college about a half-hour drive from home. There I can make a difference in the lives of the small number of students (typically about 10 in a class) that I teach each semester.

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I am a very messed up kid, and I feel really stuck.

Q.   I am a very messed up kid. I think I was abused a while back by my brother. He used to kiss me and sort of hump me with my clothes on. I couldn't tell my mum coz i love my bro but he was really horrible and once he got drunk and was really scary...

A.   30 July 2008: I doubt that any clinician anywhere would say that everything was alright in this situation. And about it not being your fault, well, their job is not to figure out whose fault something is. Their job is to help you straighten out things in your ... (read in full...)

I recently found out that I was pregnant and now he thinks we should get married ?

Q.   Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years and we love each other very much. I recently found out that I was pregnant and now he thinks we should get married but I don't think I'm ready to get married. I don't think I ever want to get ...

A.   29 July 2008: If you find yourself unable to make a permanent commitment in good conscience, then you should certainly NOT get married. It would be a terrible thing to do, to get married just to make your boyfriend feel better or "for the sake of the child". ... (read in full...)

I do not know how much longer my husband is going to put up with my trust issues

Q.   I will start off by saying that I am a very jealous person. I am 28 yrs old and have been with my husband going on 12 years. We have been married for almost 6 yrs. My problem is this and I hope someone can give me some advice. My husband is a ...

A.   29 July 2008: You have serious problems here, and I believe that they are such that they require professional help. You should seek psychological or marriage counseling right away, before this problem gets any worse and tears your marriage apart. The good new... (read in full...)

Are we safe using pull-out for birth control? Is it normal to have several orgasms in a row?

Q.   I have a couple of questions. First and foremost, my fiance and I have only been having sex for a couple of weeks now. We were originally waiting to be married but it randomly kind of happened one night. That aside, he finds it less romantic an...

A.   29 July 2008: Pulling out is just playing mommy roulette. It's not at all safe. Take it from there. As far as orgasms are concerned, what you're experiencing is perfectly normal, and you have no cause to feel guilty. Get as many as you can! But if ... (read in full...)

Is age just a number?

Q.   Ive been single for an year and a half now after a 5 1/2 year realtionship which i had to run away from because of domestic abuse. Im scared of being hurt again like that and this is why im asking for some advice im 22 this guy likes me and i like ...

A.   29 July 2008: A lot depends on his maturity level. Some men are ready for a serious relationship at 17. Most boys are not. You have to be the judge as to which category your guy falls into. And be honest with yourself. They say love is blind, but this time ... (read in full...)

I feel so ugly, will I ever get a boyfriend?

Q.   Hey. Im a girl, Ive just turned 15. My problem is with my appearance. I always feel so ugly. Monsterously ugly, and people tell me Im ugly aswell. If Im out with my friends, lads will look my at my friends and smile, then look at me and they'll look ...

A.   28 July 2008: Short answers: 1. Yes. 2. By working on it. Now for the details. I recently attended my 45th high school class reunion. One of the girls who was considered "ugly" in high school was there. She was an elegant lady, she'd had a wonderful career... (read in full...)

Are we moving too fast for two months? Should we slow down?

Q.   Okay so this is my first relationship and the same goes for my bf. We started seeing each other late may (we hadn't known each other at all before then), but became official a month later--- though when people ask i just say we've been going out for ...

A.   28 July 2008: The fact that you're concerned about it says a lot about the situation. You should let your own comfort level be your guide. And by that I mean your comfort level when you are thinking clearly, not when he's got his hands on your body and the ... (read in full...)

What's going on with this? My penis wouldn't stay hard..

Q.   My wife and I had about 3 years married and today day when I'm about to enter on her my penis star comming down, whats going on with that?...

A.   28 July 2008: Trite but true ... it happens to all guys sooner or later. The inability to maintain an erection is something that at some time we pretty much all have to deal with. In most cases it's just an occasional thing, and doesn't mean anything... (read in full...)

I am a very messed up kid, and I feel really stuck.

Q.   I am a very messed up kid. I think I was abused a while back by my brother. He used to kiss me and sort of hump me with my clothes on. I couldn't tell my mum coz i love my bro but he was really horrible and once he got drunk and was really scary...

A.   28 July 2008: Are there counseling resources available at your school or in your community? If so, you should see if you can arrange to talk to someone on the absolute condition of confidentiality. Make it clear to them that if they are not in a position to ... (read in full...)

Should I forget about him?

Q.   Hi, I'm really confused. Theres this guy who i have been getting to know the last few weeks. At first we got a long so well, ended up talking on the phone every night for 3-4 hours. He then asked me out but i felt i didnt no him enough at that t...

A.   28 July 2008: Ultimatums are ugly things to deal with. My initial reaction to them is to say "goodbye" as a response, but that's probably a little bit too hasty in a lot of circumstances. Frankly, I think it sounds like a lot of drama on both sides of this rel... (read in full...)

My friends got really annoyed with the video I put on YouTube and Bebo. Are they over-reacting?

Q.   ok.. i put a video of my friends and i mucking about on youtube and bebo i told them i was going to put it on bebo. and then got really annoyed when they found out it was on youtube. but you cant put a vid on bebo without it being put on youtube. ...

A.   28 July 2008: Although I'm not really an expert on Bebo, my review of their terms of service seems to indicate that you CAN, in fact, post materials there without their being posted anywhere else. Have you tried doing this? (In fact, you can have a Bebo account ... (read in full...)

He is determined to move back to his parents with me now we have money problems. I don't want to, but I don't want to upset him.

Q.   Hi I'm an 18 year old girl and I've been seeing my boyfriend for over 2 years. I love him very much and last year we decided to move in together. To pay the rent I had to quit college and go working and since I lost my job a few months ago we are s...

A.   28 July 2008: Unfortunately, it sounds to me as if he is not really emotionally ready for the responsibilities of a live-in relationship regardless of the location. His insistence on moving back to his parents' house in spite of the inconvenience seems to me to ... (read in full...)

How do I give a really good hand job? I don't want to give oral.

Q.   How do you give a fantastic mind blowing hand job? Or is it even possible? It use to take me like 2 minutes to get my bf finish now it takes upwards of 15 minutes...if it even happens. No oral involved in this....and there won't be so don't suggest ...

A.   28 July 2008: Not only is every guy different, the SAME guy will be different at different at different times. Sometimes something that works extremely well at one time will just not do the trick at other times. That's why communication is so important. And if ... (read in full...)

Things are changing. He doesn't tell me what he is doing any more. I love him and I don't want to lose him.

Q.   I have been in this relationship for 2months and things have been going well in the beginning but as time went on everything changed, he doesnt tell me if he is going home or what, he didnt even tell me dat he went to go fetch his child, he doesn't ...

A.   28 July 2008: Are the two of you living together? If not, you should remember that you're his relationship partner, not his supervisor, and he doesn't really have to account to you for all of his time. If you are living together, you need to tell him that it ... (read in full...)

I've known him for some time but only recently he started flirting with me. He lives quite far away. Could it still work?

Q.   I have known this guy for about 2 and a half years and just resently (about a few months ago) he has started flirting with me and has resently told me exactly how he feels... the only problem is that he lives quite far away now. would it work bet...

A.   28 July 2008: At your age, distance is a real problem. You're not free to travel on your own yet, so getting together with this guy is going to be quite difficult. And even in this day of video phone calls and IM, distance is still something that causes ... (read in full...)

He compares me to his long-term ex. Why has he acted this way?

Q.   I met my boyfriend in the aim chatrooms May'07.He stays in Northern Cali and I stay in Southern Cali.We flirted but never intended or thought it would be more.Then it became more than ims but phone calls and then we decided to be more.When we ...

A.   28 July 2008: Lots of issues here Let's see if we can break them down a little. First, the ex. He obviously is not completely over her yet, although it seems quite likely that he is sincere in wanting to move on beyond her and establish something close wi... (read in full...)

I managed to chase off a 'player' at work, but it cost me my dignity. How will people perceive me now?

Q.   I let myself become victimized by a "player" at work. Recently I brought things to conclusion by chasing him everyday to back him off once and for all. My strategy worked, but at the risk of causing me feel like a fool. Now I have to go back to ...

A.   28 July 2008: Best guess is that opinions will vary. Some people will undoubtedly feel sorry for you because you were victimized by this jerk. Others will think that you were asking for it by not being careful enough before you jumped in with a guy who had that ... (read in full...)

Is it normal to not enjoy sex after losing your virginity?

Q.   I was wondering if it is normal to not enjoy sex for the first 10 times after breaking the virginity?...

A.   28 July 2008: That's the real question. If the man (or men) you have been with has not been skillful and has not been very particularly concerned with working hard at making sure that you had a good and satisfying experience, then it is not at all unusual for ... (read in full...)

How can I be sure my crossdressing fiancee isn't gay?

Q.   hi, i am a 39 year old mother of 2 kids... i met a wonderful man about a year ago.. he has been honest from the begening with me about his crossdressing, and i thought i could except it i really try, but recentally i have been having suspesions..... ...

A.   28 July 2008: You're right, most male cross-dressers are neither gay nor transsexual. I think the real question is, why does your guy feel a need to lie about it to you. That is the real problem. You need to get that out in the open and deal with it hones... (read in full...)

My girlfriend is troubled by our ten year age difference. How can I help her get over this?

Q.   I'm 40 and the girl I'm dating is 30. She's troubled by the age difference, mainly because of a mortality issue. Other than that she said I'm a great guy, etc, but wanted to break off our early relationship. I convinced her to give us another month ...

A.   28 July 2008: Assuming you're in fairly good shape and have only minimum risk factors, your current life expectancy should be something like 85, with a 25% chance of going at least a decade longer than that. Amazing what modern medicine can do. For a more ... (read in full...)

How do I give a really good hand job? I don't want to give oral.

Q.   How do you give a fantastic mind blowing hand job? Or is it even possible? It use to take me like 2 minutes to get my bf finish now it takes upwards of 15 minutes...if it even happens. No oral involved in this....and there won't be so don't suggest ...

A.   28 July 2008: The key to really good sex of any kind is always good communication. You want to know what your guy wants? ASK HIM! Discuss your needs, and get him to tell you his. Have him give you specific guidance while you are doing it, and follow his lead. ... (read in full...)

How do men know we've decided on an open marriage when neither of us has said anything?

Q.   my husband and i have started having an open marriage about 4 months ago. i haven't done anything with another man yet and my husband is eager for me to get started. i am too, but i am looking for the right man to be my first. i don't think i ...

A.   28 July 2008: There's an old song that says "a woman wears a certain look when she is on the move, and a man can always tell what's on her mind." Whether you're aware of it or not, you are giving off subtle cues that you are no longer "off limits" the way you ... (read in full...)

Does oral sex tickle for women???

Q.   I don't understand...why do some girls feel ticklish during oral sex and others not? I've been with this one girl for about a month and a half on and off and a couple times I got the impression from her body language that she did not want oral ...

A.   27 July 2008: I'll let the female "aunts" address the question of ticklish. I do know that some women are extremely sensitive down there, and have to be dealt with very carefully. Several ladies of my experience, for example, did much better if I used a l... (read in full...)

I'm confused about giving oral sex. Are there guys who just don't like it, or haven't I got it quite right?

Q.   Confused...for the last 10months ive been contemplating whether to give my boyfriend a blowjob or not...i was so unsure just because i was scared i would do it wrong...or incase he didnt like them cuz the subject never came up...and we are doing ...

A.   27 July 2008: There is nothing that can make sex better between a couple than open and honest communication. Talk to him about it. Find out what he wants. Make it explicit. And don't be shy about sharing YOUR wants and needs with HIM either. And sha... (read in full...)

I cheated on my boyfriend. Should I tell him?

Q.   i cheated on my boyfriend, whom i have been going out with for 2 months. With someone that i kissed about a year ago, it was totally out of the blue and i really regret it now. Should i tell him or not ...?!...

A.   27 July 2008: I don't think NOT telling him is really an option. Assuming the two of you have agreed on an exclusive relationship, if you plan to stay with him, you've pretty much got to tell him. But if things like that "just happen" so easily for you, I'd... (read in full...)

Why is this co worker so interested in me lately?

Q.   I have a co worker that's being a bit much flirty with me lately. We've known each other since a long time ago but never had even a bit of interest for one another. Last weekend we were in an office convention and we all talk about how nice the plac...

A.   27 July 2008: It sounds as if things are not all sunshine and roses in his current relationship and he's beginning to shop the market to see what else he can scare up on the side before he dumps his current girlfriend. As long as things were going well in his ... (read in full...)

Things have got a bit weird since I kissed my best friend.

Q.   Ok this may take a while ..lol I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on what to do- normally I would be good at this kind of thing but I feel lost on this one. Me and my best friend have been hanging out 5 years now- I feel a big ...

A.   27 July 2008: If you're seriously kissing each other, not just little "friendship kisses", then chances are he's feeling something there too. You're probably going to have to accept the fact that the two of you have crossed the line from "just friends" to somet... (read in full...)

My older friend seems to have stopped talking to me since I told him how I felt. I really just want to stay friends.

Q.   hello mates!!!!!! im in a kinda tight spot and i really need helpyou see 3-4 years ago meet this incredible guy one problem was that hes 12 years older than me.but we became friends.as the time went by i started to devolp romantic feelings for him....

A.   27 July 2008: In spite of your assurances to the contrary, it is quite likely that this guy sees your attentions as a move to get a romance started. If he's single at thirty or so, he's almost certainly not interested. It's probably the case that either he's ... (read in full...)

How do I convince my on line date that he should come to my city first?

Q.   Theres this guy who I have been chatting with online for a while now. I really do like him alot and he likes me alot too. He found me on a dating website, and contacted me first, despite the fact that I live in another city to him. I replied anyw...

A.   27 July 2008: How about somewhere in between? That worked out very well for my current lady and myself, who met on-line and live 350 miles apart. We met over a weekend in a city roughly halfway between (actually it was a little closer to me, because exactly ... (read in full...)

What age do you start having sex?

Q.   what age do you start having sex...

A.   17 July 2008: That's a highly individual decision. I've known people who have started as young as 10 or 11. I've known people who were still virgins in their 30's. What is right for you depends on a LOT of factors. The biggest one is probably your own leve... (read in full...)

Students Falling in love with Their Teachers can really hurt? Your Opinions?

Q.   Students look up to teachers because they're smart. They are mature. They're possibly good looking. They've had interesting lives. All the things all people look for in a character. But students can't do anything about it. ...

A.   16 July 2008: As a teacher myself (although at the college level) I've seen many circumstances where there were serious attractions between students and teachers. Very few of them came to any good ends. It's hard from both sides of the front desk. Good tea... (read in full...)

At 26, should I stick to sex with guys or try switching to girls?

Q.   I am 26 years old and never had sex with a girl, only guys, I never had the loving for girls, until few months ago, what is the best way to see if I like girls,as i am trying chatting a going clubbing but cant get any girls, should i just stick to ...

A.   16 July 2008: Who are you in love with? Who do you REALLY care about? Those are the ones you should be having sex with. Indiscriminate sexual activity, treating your partners just as "experiences" and not as people, will leave you unfulfilled no matter w... (read in full...)

I just want to kiss him but stay safe.... can I catch his STI?

Q.   ok im 13 and i like this boy and he is 14. He's not a virgin and i am. He wants to have sex with me but im not losing my virginity at this age because im too young. There's only one problem i think he has clamidia because that's what everyone is ...

A.   16 July 2008: The decision to lose or keep one's virginity is a very personal one, and should not be judged by others. But as you can see, there are often consequences to sexual activity, to one's reputation if not to one's health. Transmission of STD's is... (read in full...)

I can't handle my hormones! How do I stay a virgin?

Q.   im a 13 yr old girl have have size D boobs, i love them and get lots of attention for the boys beacuse of it, i,e they squeeze them and stuff. i really love it when they do andi get really really horeny aout it all the time, i feel like if i dont ...

A.   16 July 2008: If you don't want to slip, stay out of slippery places. Letting guys touch you and then expecting not to get turned on to the point that you really want to go further is placing more strain on your system than it was designed to take. Our bodies ... (read in full...)

Help me!! I'm in a panic about our wedding reception finances!

Q.   oh sombody please help! were in a bit of a panik regarding our wedding reception. Ok My fiance and I have worked so hard since february to be able to afford our reception,we have saved with the credit union every week without fail so we would...

A.   16 July 2008: If it's the same credit union the move should not make a difference on your qualification for a loan. If it does, you're with the wrong outfit. But that's beside the point. If you've been a member of this credit union for quite a while, you might ... (read in full...)

My husband accuses me of masturbating in my sleep and, and he yells at me, now he wants to video tape me while I am masturbating, it is causing major problems because I don't want him to do it, what do I do, we are on the verge of divorce??

Q.   My husband just recently started to accuse me of masturbating in my sleep. This causing major problems in our marriage. He now is requesting I allow him to video tape while I am sleeping. I know I am not doing this because when he has yelled at me ...

A.   15 July 2008: Rule #1: NEVER let yourself be photographed (video or otherwise) in a way that you would not be willing to see up on the internet with your name on it. Just ASSUME it's going to happen, one way or another, if those pictures are taken. I can't ... (read in full...)

He won't let anyone in, is a liar, will not talk about his past, want to help, don't know how, he wants space, should I give it to him or keep trying??

Q.   i have been dating this guy who is a compulsive liar and won't let anyone close to him emotionally. he won't talk to anyone about his past and told me he needs space. i want to help him deal with his past but don't know how. Is it better to just ...

A.   15 July 2008: If he's that big a liar and is looking for "space", I'd recommend giving him a 100% helping of space by getting out of his life entirely. His unwillingness to share his past, plus his tendency to avoid the truth, does not bode well for a serious ... (read in full...)

I have been having my husband pretend to have sex with someone else...

Q.   I have been having my husband pretend to have sex with someone else (and me sometimes) when we are together because he moves differently and it feels better. I get excited during the sex but after feel like I am not enough for him and in addition I ...

A.   14 July 2008: You should realize that the "person" you become during the fantasy sex bouts with your husband is really you, too. There's nothing wrong with living out your mutual fantasies to enhance your intimate times together. Talk about it. Script i... (read in full...)

15 and never been kissed - but it's going to happen real soon!! Please tell me exactly what to do!

Q.   im 15, ive never kissed a guy before, and im dating an "experienced" 17 year old. im not worried about things moving too fast, i actually want them to move faster! we've been dating for 2 weeks now and i really want that first kiss. how do i get him ...

A.   11 July 2008: As far as who should make the first move, I don't think you're going to have any real problem with that. I predict he'll be taking THAT problem away from you real soon. I've never yet heard of a 17 year old guy who could resist kissing a willing ... (read in full...)

He seems to have no sense with money or doing essential paperwork. Should I give up?

Q.   I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and a bit now. I think just over 16 months, in fact. Through the last school year, I stayed for my last year in high school, while he went to Ottawa. I have no doubt that he stayed faithful, o...

A.   11 July 2008: He's a procrastinator and you're not. Or maybe it's just that he WILL be a procrastinator if he ever gets around to it. ;-) At any rate, the two of you approach life's obligations from two entirely different directions. If you're going to make ... (read in full...)

What does a man mean when he says he doesn't want a relationship?

Q.   When a man says he doesnt want a relationship what is he actually saying - as such. Does it mean he just wants a one night stand or he wants to see me along with anyone else he chooses to or what??? Or does it mean he doesnt want a sexual ...

A.   11 July 2008: Best guess: Guy-speak: Relationship=Commitment=Bad. See what your guy says he means by this. Ask him. Ask him how he thinks the two of you ought to structure the way that you relate to one another (OK, you're talking around it without using th... (read in full...)

Sex.. is it all right to turn him down during that one week of the month?

Q.   im sorry if this is innapropriate but am i right in this? ive been with my boyfriend for just over 8 months now, we started going out in december and we lost our virginities to each other in march. we both felt we were ready and it was the right ...

A.   11 July 2008: If you WANT something from him and he fails to deliver, then you are right to complain. If you don't want anything from him and he's asking for something from you, you'll have to ask yourself how you feel about that and why you feel that way. It ... (read in full...)

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