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*hiRaven agony aunt

*hiRaven

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*hiRaven's profile:

I'm a retired widower living in a university town in the American midwest. I spent most of my life in Chicago.

Although I live in a town dominated by a major university, I choose to teach part-time at a very small college about a half-hour drive from home. There I can make a difference in the lives of the small number of students (typically about 10 in a class) that I teach each semester.

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My online guy is pressuring my for naughty photos... is this a bad sign?

Q.   Theres this guy who I have been chatting to on msn, from an online dating website. We havent actually met yet cause he lives in a different city, but closer to the end of the year, I already had plans to move to his city for university, so w...

A.   31 July 2008: First, tell him not to be so cocky about his computer. Tell him you know a guy (that would be me) who was at the Last HOPE conference, has been working in the Mac world since 1985, and can blast through most OS X firewalls like they were tissue ... (read in full...)

Should I leave my abusive relationship?

Q.   hi I need some advice i have been with my boyfriend for 14years since i was 14. about 5 years ago we went through a rough patch and he used to ge violent and call me nasty names, which i put up with as i was still young , then 3 years ago just a...

A.   30 July 2008: Get out now. you're being abused in so many ways in this relationship it's not funny. He's playing on your sympathy to keep you locked in this abusive relationship. Oh, and you need to see a counselor. The fact that you have stuck around f... (read in full...)

Do men find strectch marks a turn off in women?

Q.   Hi, This is one for the guys: Do you find stretch marks a turn off on a woman?...

A.   30 July 2008: I've never had any trouble with them at all. Most of the women I've dated seriously recently have had some sort of stretch marks, since my youngest date was in her very late 40's. (The oldest was in her late 60's and probably had almost the fewest ... (read in full...)

What does a girl do when she's on top?

Q.   I don't know what to do when I'm on top!! help! ...

A.   30 July 2008: Pretty much the same thing your guy does when he's on top. Communication is the key, just as at any other time. The two of you should be willing to let one another know what works for you and what doesn't. For information on a lot of differen... (read in full...)

I'm being pressured to start a family by my older girlfriend...

Q.   Am i a freak because i will not have unprotected sex with my girlfriend and try and start a family? I am 15 and she is 19 and wants to start a family with me, but i am only younge and want to get a job and to be able to surport them both. I ...

A.   30 July 2008: Definitely do not have unprotected sex until you are emotionally and financially ready to support a family. You show the kind of maturity rare in a person your age by considering these things in the face of pressure from your girlfriend. Stick to ... (read in full...)

I love a man who is still married, but separated for 10 years, his wife will not sign divorce papers, I want to marry him, what should I do?

Q.   Dear Cupid, I am a 24 year old lady that has been dating a special man for over two years. A month ago, I found out that he was still married to his "ex-wife" but they have been separated for ten years. She has moved on to someone else and had ...

A.   30 July 2008: I'm no legal expert, but I believe that after that long a separation and with her having a child by another man, he can secure a divorce whether she agrees or not. Tell him that he may be older, but you're more old-fashioned, and you won't se... (read in full...)

She sees me more than she sees her boyfriend, the gift and the way she talks about him makes me wonder if she likes me...

Q.   Posted the first part before, at here, under the title - "I don't want to interfere if he makes her happy, but I don't know how much longer he will keep it up.": http://www.dea...

A.   30 July 2008: There's an old song that covers this situation. It's called "Silence is Golden". Even if you knew the guy was no good for her, that's something she is going to have to find out for herself. And until she does, the best you can do is simply ... (read in full...)

How can I deal with knowing I can't see my mother till Christmas (my parents are divorced)?

Q.   I'm 13 going to be 14 soon, but when I was 3 my parents got a divorce, and now my mom lives 6 hrs away and I only see during holidays and this summer I stayed with her for 3 weeks and i returned a few days ago. but as soon as I said good bye I just ...

A.   30 July 2008: I couldn't have said it any better. Talking to a counselor is a particularly good idea in this case, as it can also help you over a lot of the other bumps you'll be experiencing along life's highway at this difficult time which your mom normally... (read in full...)

How can I cope with my partner's daughter?

Q.   I find it difficult to get on with my partner's daughter - her mom died when she was little and although she's twenty and quite manilupative, she has him wrapped around her little finger. She is at college but refuses to work to help support ...

A.   30 July 2008: Be very careful not to get typecast as the "evil stepmother". That's all to easy a role for her to slide you into if you try to turn her father against her. I think that the pattern of support while she's at college is too firmly establis... (read in full...)

How can I not be shy around my cousin who is a boy?

Q.   How can i not be shy around my cousin who is a boy?...

A.   30 July 2008: How old is this cousin? You are at an age when you are particularly conscious of yourself, and that tends to make people very shy, particularly in the presence of people whose approval they are seeking. My guess is that it is important to you, ... (read in full...)

Please explain sex / oral sex to me and give tips...

Q.   i have recently gotten into a relationship with a man a year younger than me.. we are really happy apart from the fact that he will surely expect me to sleep with him soon, altho he has put no pressure on me so dont get me wrong i really want to. ...

A.   30 July 2008: We're not a "how to" site here, so don't expect explicit instruction. For that you're going to have to go somewhere else. There are a lot of really clinical discussions about it, but if you want something a little lighter I recommend the Midw... (read in full...)

How can I lose weight from my legs but no where else?

Q.   Hey. Im a girl, Im almost 16, Im 5' 3" tall and I weigh about 8st 10lbs. Before this starts to sound like a lonely hearts advert (lol), Ill skip to the problem. Ok, so I don't feel fat really and people tell me Im not fat, but I hate the size of my ...

A.   30 July 2008: Exercise involving your legs will put them in better shape. It won't necessarily make them smaller (as muscle mass may well replace other tissue there), but it will give them better definition and probably better overall contours. There are lots... (read in full...)

My man is too depressed to have sex.

Q.   I am in a sexless relationship. It's a long, painful story and if I could recount all the reasons why my man is depressed and feeling powerless, you would understand why I'm being so long suffering. He refuses counselling and gets upset if *I* try ...

A.   30 July 2008: Oh, one more thing I forgot to add. You could probably benefit from some counseling yourself. Dealing with a person with clinical depression on a full time basis is a very difficult burden, and one that can be made better with proper professional ... (read in full...)

My man is too depressed to have sex.

Q.   I am in a sexless relationship. It's a long, painful story and if I could recount all the reasons why my man is depressed and feeling powerless, you would understand why I'm being so long suffering. He refuses counselling and gets upset if *I* try ...

A.   30 July 2008: Clinical depression is an ILLNESS. If your husband had tuberculosis and refused to see a doctor would you tolerate it? Would you be willing to take a chance with his life that way, in the hopes that he MIGHT recover on his own? You are too ... (read in full...)

I need some tips on talking dirty!

Q.   As stupid as this sounds, i don't know how to dirty talk. Can anyone give me some things to say because he told me he loves it when i dirty talk but i honestly suck at it :(...

A.   30 July 2008: Verbal cues are some of the most powerful of sexual stimulants, and different people like different things. Your guy has told you what he likes. It's up to the two of you to decide what you should do about it. Don't let anybody else's concepts of ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend's watching of porn is beginning to annoy me. What can I do?

Q.   iv been with my bf for 2 years nearly now, and from beginning he was watching porn, i didnt mind cos we were just starting, now its annoying and makes me feel he enjoys the pron more than me, iv tried talking to him but he just says im not getting ...

A.   30 July 2008: i agree 100%. In almost all cases his watching porn is not a threat to your relationship at all. In fact, in most cases it can help spice things up. As in any situation involving sex, good communication is probably the answer. If your guy is g... (read in full...)

I am a very messed up kid, and I feel really stuck.

Q.   I am a very messed up kid. I think I was abused a while back by my brother. He used to kiss me and sort of hump me with my clothes on. I couldn't tell my mum coz i love my bro but he was really horrible and once he got drunk and was really scary...

A.   30 July 2008: I doubt that any clinician anywhere would say that everything was alright in this situation. And about it not being your fault, well, their job is not to figure out whose fault something is. Their job is to help you straighten out things in your ... (read in full...)

I need some tips on talking dirty!

Q.   As stupid as this sounds, i don't know how to dirty talk. Can anyone give me some things to say because he told me he loves it when i dirty talk but i honestly suck at it :(...

A.   30 July 2008: THIS is why women go to porn sites. There's a whole lot to be learned from a browse through some of the sleazier parts of the internet. There are toll gates on some of the racier bits, but a lot of it is free. You'll find a whole new world ... (read in full...)

My older girlfriend is pressuring me for sex!

Q.   Hey Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 months know and we love each other i am 15 and she is 18, and she is ready to lose her virginity but i do no think that i am. I have told her this and she said to me that she will 'go somewhere el...

A.   30 July 2008: It's good that you are mature enough and know yourself well enough to know that this is something you really want to delay. Not a lot of 15 year old guys are willing to put off having sex as a matter of preference. Now that you've made your dec... (read in full...)

Should we have underage sex? I'm not sure...

Q.   my girl friend told me the other day that she wonted sex but i dont no if we should because of are age im 14 and she is 13 but i dont wont to say no because i dont wont it to effected are relationship wot do i do?...

A.   30 July 2008: Sex and marriage do not necessarily go hand in hand. But under the best of circumstances, sex and commitment do, and you are not anywhere near ready to make a permanent (or even relatively long lasting) commitment to one another. Think back to ... (read in full...)

Where can I get a free laptop?

Q.   I know this isn't particularly a love question, but my family is having money problems and our computer recently broke down. With me being a sophmore taking advanced classes a computer may be a HUGE advantage. now my mother works nights so i was ...

A.   30 July 2008: Talk to your school and see if they can put you in touch with anyone who can help you. There are often local organizations that provide computers for those who need them but really can't afford them. I'm not aware of any nationwide programs... (read in full...)

My husband is being very strnage and 2 faced about our divorce....

Q.   my husband of 25 yrs and i seperated 3months ago, we have three children together, 23, 21 and 8 yrs old, a divorce has been filed, today was supose to be our final hearing, but a continunace was filed for october. hes been living with another woman, ...

A.   30 July 2008: He's more than used up his chances. If he sees her or you hear from her again, just go through with the divorce ... no more appeals, no more delays. And if necessary, talk to your lawyer about filing for protection orders against her or both of ... (read in full...)

I can't tell my parents I'm pregnant, what am I going to do??

Q.   Me and my boyfriend of 2 years had sex and i think i might be pregnant, and seeing as i come from a Catholic family i cannot tell my parents. What should i do? Love SOS...

A.   29 July 2008: What? Catholic girls don't get pregnant? News to me. Above all your parents love you. They want what's best for you, even if you've "strayed" in the eyes of their religious faith. Unless you're seriously considering an abortion (in which ca... (read in full...)

How can I stop my boyfriend from worrying about him not pleasing me?

Q.   I've never had an orgasm, i've been having sex with this one guy for a few weeks and he is really worried that i don't enjoy it, which just makes it harder for me to relax. I don't know how to stop him worrying??? ...

A.   29 July 2008: The key to good sex is good communication. You should be telling your boyfriend what he can do to make your sexual experiences better for you. Don't be afraid to open up and share your fantasies or whatever else might make your experiences better. ... (read in full...)

I have a wonderful boyfriend,but I don't feel happy or like my emotions have changed!

Q.   OK,this month,I met a boy on the internet.He's 13, really sweet,and has always made me feel special.I asked him out yesterday,and this morning,he said yes.I was excited when he said yes,but it feels like nothing's changed.I don't feel different.I...

A.   29 July 2008: OK, scratch "boyfriend" and substitute "pen pal". You're not likely to be getting together with this guy any time soon, unless there's something you haven't told us (like he's moving to the US or you're moving to South Africa, or you've got a spare ... (read in full...)

I'm 3 months pregnant and my boyfriend is avoiding my calls. I don't know what to do.

Q.   hey im 18 and just found out a week ago im 3 months pregnant i told my boyfriend but he's just completely avoiding me he doesn't answer my calls and wont text back i know this mite sound stupid but i dont wanna tell my parents as ive not reli ...

A.   29 July 2008: The guy has freaked, I'll give you long odds. Now whether he stays that way or whether he shapes up and comes around eventually is a very good question. There's no way to tell, but the more likely outcome is that you're on your own. That ... (read in full...)

I don't know how to react to my friend saying she is bisexual and that she likes me!

Q.   Hey there....well the other night I was texting my friend Rachel and she told me she was bisexual. Then I asked her if she liked anyone...and she said she likes me. I wasn't creeped out or anything I was just...I don't know what I was thinking! I ...

A.   29 July 2008: I guess the first question you have to answer is, how do you really feel about this. Give that some careful thought. Have you ever considered the possibility of involvement with another woman? You probably haven't. This new revelation gives you ... (read in full...)

I protect my friend when he is being bullied and he gets mad at me! Why?

Q.   My best guy friend is being abused by a girl. She used to pick me but it stopped by just ignoring her and not reacting at all. But hes not doing what I did. My other guy friend (most of my friends are guys)are standing by him nonstop. But for some...

A.   29 July 2008: I agree. It's a guy thing. He can't seem to be hiding behind a girl at this stage of his life. Too unmanly. Butt out for now. Let your friend know you support him and think the bully is a first class bitch. Sympathize because she used to pick ... (read in full...)

I get upset when my BF starts joking with his friends' girlfriends, could you offer your point of view?

Q.   I do not know if I am the problem or not but everytime we meet with my boyfriends' friends I get upset that my boyfriend starts joking with their girlfriends. I feel not respected and the problem is that one of them even touches my boyfriend or sits...

A.   29 July 2008: Unless your guy has given you some reason to suspect that he is actively interested in these women, you probably are over reacting to what is likely his normal behavior. Think back. Was he more or less like that with YOU when you first met, joking ... (read in full...)

She reacted so adversely when I asked for more intimacy that I felt like a pervert! Help?

Q.   hi everyone, ive posted a few things on here and you all be very helpfull... me and my girlfriend are very intimate at the moment and i came out with totaly the wrong thing the other day when i was intimate with her i asked her if she wanted t...

A.   29 July 2008: It can sometimes be a bit difficult to know when your partner wants to take the physical aspects of a relationship to the next level. I've personally always believed that open communication is the best way to determine what's on my partner's mind, ... (read in full...)

When should our anniversary be?

Q.   When should our anniversary be? We knew each other online for ages before eventually meeting. We were supposed to just meet as friends as I had a boyfriend at the time, but we ended up getting on so well and ended up kissing and I realised I had to ...

A.   29 July 2008: When I met the woman who eventually became my first lover after my wife died, she was still engaged to another man, although she broke the engagement three days later. I always counted our "anniversary" from the time we first met even though she ... (read in full...)

My heart is saying take him back, my head is saying I am a loser for thinking of it

Q.   myself and both this guy i like both broke up with out partners for each other our 6 month relationship was one struggle after the next. I gave him 3 chances in that 6 months we broke up about 3 weeks ago and now he wants me back. while we were ...

A.   29 July 2008: A lot depends on why you broke up with him, and whether any of those reasons have changed in the time you've been apart. If things are still the same, then there's really no reason to expect that it will work any better this time than it did the ... (read in full...)

Why, if I reat them the same way, does the guy I don't care about want me and the guy I really like not?

Q.   heres an intresting thought.... somone ie me, acts the following way with men.... when your with them, you are good, you give them all the space they need, by that i mean that you let them do all the chasing, (you put the effort in still th...

A.   29 July 2008: There's always the chance that it's YOU who is different, reacting to the way the guys are coming on to you. There's always a certain challenge in the one that we can't have, and maybe that's what you're experiencing here. If the guy is not as ... (read in full...)

How does she keep getting more support?

Q.   Does anyone know the child support laws in TX. I have been with my BF for four years and his ex (baby mama) is trying to get back at him for being with me, so she keeps trying to up his child support payments. He already pays for two children and ...

A.   29 July 2008: You need a better lawyer than her on your side. That's the only way you'll win that fight. It's not a GOOD way, but it's the only way you've got a chance. There's a saying in Texas about never taking a knife to a gunfight, isn't there? Well, ... (read in full...)

He loves pornography, if I start behaving in bed like a porn star, will he stop watching the pornography?

Q.   I know my boyfriend loves me, but if I start acting like a porn star in bed and doing all the acts he enjoys watching in porn, will he begin to lose interest in porn and stop watching it altogether? I've lost weight and now I'm thin like the girls ...

A.   29 July 2008: You need to begin establishing better communication with your guy. Make an agreement that the two of you can tell one another exactly what you want from one another as far as sex is concerned. Share each other's fantasies, and do your best to live ... (read in full...)

I want to have more of a relationship with him, but not sure he really likes me, he is a bit cool towards me, should I pursue it or not?

Q.   I'm a gay Caucasian guy and met a gay Korean guy 3 months ago. At first he would call and return my calls once or twice a week only since he is truly busy everyday working till late and studying. I have more time but don't call more than once a ...

A.   29 July 2008: It seems as if this guy is just genuinely busy. Since he is both holding down a job and going to school, and seems to take both of them seriously, it's not unreasonable that he should be this way. The same holds true for his attitude toward you. ... (read in full...)

My sister ruins everything for me!

Q.   my sister really winds me up, she ruins everything for me and when i say everything i mean EVERYTHING shes such a tart! shes 13, yes only 13! and shes going out with a 17 year old who shes been with for 3 months and is already having sex with him, ...

A.   29 July 2008: As the oldest child who had a younger sister who was daddy's darling I can relate to a lot of what you say. It's a tough position to be in. You really ARE held to a different standard, and even if your parents were to find out about your younger ... (read in full...)

The word 'cousin' is keeping him apart from me, I've never felt love like this before!

Q.   I have fallen totally in love with my 1st cousin and he feels the same but he feels he cant move forward with me because of the word cousin,we have always had a special bond between us and have only just recently meet up at a relatives funeral after ...

A.   29 July 2008: The two of you are certainly old enough by now that you are no longer in the "crushes on cousins" stage that many adolescents go through. A lot of young people find cousins convenient because one of the really hardest parts of a relationship, ... (read in full...)

My doctor stopped my valium. I'm worried about suffering adverse effects.

Q.   Is it wise for a doctor to suddenly stop valium (2-4mg a day) that I have been taking for about 3 weeks. Before then I was taking 2mg when required. This has increased. My doctor (who was far from sympathetic, and who I don't normally see, new to m...

A.   29 July 2008: Well, 2 mg is the minimum dose of diazepam, so you really couldn't go any lower unless you went on an intermittent schedule (taking one every other day or something like that). The normal dose for anxiety disorders is 2 to 4 mg twice a day, and ... (read in full...)

Can one ignore her first and only sexual experience, an unpleasant one, and consider herself a virgin?

Q.   if losing your virginity is a state of mind is it acceptable for a girl to want to ignor her first intercourse (being unpleasent one) and concider her self still a vigin untill willingly giving her self, (it only being her second time?) [Added from...

A.   29 July 2008: What's the big issue? So somebody got your girl drunk and, for all practical purposes, raped her. That's not her fault. She felt used and ashamed (not an unusual reaction in rape victims, let me assure you) and wanted to hide the facts. Don't ... (read in full...)

I recently found out that I was pregnant and now he thinks we should get married ?

Q.   Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years and we love each other very much. I recently found out that I was pregnant and now he thinks we should get married but I don't think I'm ready to get married. I don't think I ever want to get ...

A.   29 July 2008: If you find yourself unable to make a permanent commitment in good conscience, then you should certainly NOT get married. It would be a terrible thing to do, to get married just to make your boyfriend feel better or "for the sake of the child". ... (read in full...)

I am a very messed up kid, and I feel really stuck.

Q.   I am a very messed up kid. I think I was abused a while back by my brother. He used to kiss me and sort of hump me with my clothes on. I couldn't tell my mum coz i love my bro but he was really horrible and once he got drunk and was really scary...

A.   28 July 2008: Are there counseling resources available at your school or in your community? If so, you should see if you can arrange to talk to someone on the absolute condition of confidentiality. Make it clear to them that if they are not in a position to ... (read in full...)

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