A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I'm here for emotional support and help. I just broke my 6 years of relationship with my EX-boyfriend which I'm stressing on because it's hard to believe that he's ex. I got into this relationship when I was 17.. the guy had slowly manipulated me emotionally through the years, which i never realized back then. He used to complain about my body or try to make me jealous, keep talking about girls who are ready to be with him, build up fake stories etc. If I react negatively he would act like it's a joke. He would purposely give me evidence for cheating and then if i confront he used to turn it back on me, making me feel guilty. i always had a soft corner and sacrificing mentality because he would crib about his financial hardships, his dad being alcoholic, his childhood being bad etc. I had so much sympathy and maternal instinct on him that i began tolerating everything. Over years, to I was made to feel like I'm walking on eggshells to keep him happy. His mother got cancer and i started helping him with money. After which he took a lot of money from me, though he would hesitate or act like he's feeling bad about it. Whereas sometimes, he'd just suddenly call and ask me to transfer.I remember that even when i was not earning and spending my parents' money, he asked me to give money that i got for as gift from my parents for a festival. At that time we were on a LDR for 3 yrs. He said on phone that he is struggling for food and when i said i'll send him the money, he said no no buy something nice for yourself. (back then i was so young i didn't identify that this was just to make me feel guilty for being the child of well off parents). During the LDR, he purposely didn't wish me on my b'day, acting like he forgot abt it, whereas 2 days before my bday he had come down to give me a bday gift. Another time he purposely didn't wish on out meeting anniversary. Now when i look back i realize it was all purposefully done. I used to believe that he's lost interest in me. But from the past 2 yrs he's been so attached to me, he came back to where i live to be with me and his family, he introduced me to his family as the girl he wants to marry. His parents, sis and bro in law accepted me really well, to the extent that if i don't go home one weekend, his parents would miss me. Everything seemed so perfect while he was still using me for money and treating me badly at times, still putting me down and doing nothing special for my bdays. I do something nice for him every time, buy stuff, arrange something. While he always used to expect me to book a place so we can have sex on his bday/mine. Even sexually, he manipulated me into believing that I'm lucky to have his love. Sometimes he'd just get up and go. One instance he'd make me feel like he's so emotionally close to me by his actions and talks, and another instance he would do something on purpose to make me feel bad. Now i realize that it was all a control mechanism. He'd not let me go, do things to make me feel like he really wants and needs me, and then treat me badly every now and then without a rhyme or reason. He was never ever physically abusive, but played a lot of mind games.He made me believe that he's the most stable and sensible person while im crazy and psycho. I really believed for a long time that I'm abnormal for taking things negatively.A strange thing was that he introduced and made me mingle with everyone on his side (his parents, relatives, cousins, friends etc) while he would just not meet anyone from my side, not even my friends! He found some excuse or the other. I found it to be really strange. CHEATING-One day, exactly 7 months after, he had me sit on his lap and showed me the messages of him with a particular girl on fb, He said that he and his new friends at work were having fun playing around with this girl on fb, making her feel that he's interested in her. He said it was a prank. He also mentioned that his ex girlfriend who got arranged married recently, still loves him. I started to be curious again of what might be happening. I did not like the way that chat proceeded with "I love you", etc and so i fought with him . That was our first fight. My insecurities grew. He would ask me to change my hairstyle, comment on my dressing sense, and advice me on things. he'd make it sound humorous rather than critical. Sometimes he would make it sound like he cares for me. I had body image issues and baggages from childhood bullying so it would all turn into little fights.One more time, he again showed me his phone and said he was texting this friend 'S' who doesn't like herself. He was telling me how he's advising her and helping her feel better about herself. Stage 2: he moved away to a different city , because of a job opportunity. he used to visit me once a month and speak on phone regularly. This girl 'S' was chatting with him on fb too. She is his ex girlfriend's BEST FRIEND. 2 months after, when i checked his fb messages I found that their conversation was getting sexual. He was telling her about his first kiss, his sex life with me, and that it's not as passionate as he wants it to be. I was also shocked to find that he'd messaged this highly conservative, religious girl asking if she masturbates, to which there was no response from her. These chats were dated to when he worked in the previous company where he used to chat with these girls with his other friends for fun. But as i followed his chat with 'S', it was clear that they were texting on phone and chatting on fb at times. One day, he said 'come talk here no one's home, don' worry' to which she replied, 'what will you do with me' and after that he said a couple of dumb sexual stuff. 'I'll sex you on the couch in all positions' 'i'll give you a tongue twister' and the chat abruptly ended. When I checked his activity log, after this, he commented on another friend's status and it stopped there. At the time, he had just moved in with his roommates and they did not have an internet connection. neither did he have a smart phone. so he had told me that he goes to the cyber cafe to use internet. So he had ended the chat there, and left the cyber cafe. May be he sexted her on phone after that. I was seeing all this the next day afternoon and I lost my mind. I called him up right away and we had a big fight. He started turning tables saying I was wrong to have snooped around and we should break up. When i cried and asked for an explanation he said he doesn't have to explain and i've lost him for snooping. I was really young to be rational and went with my emotions. I was so attached to him by then, that i thought it's impossible to live without him. In the next phone call he said it's not he who chatted and he has no idea how this happened. He swore on his mother.A week after, he came to visit and i met him. He sat me down and explained that this girl 'S' who is the best friend of the ex-girlfriend who still loves him, told him that the ex gf is not happy in her marriage because she's still thinking of him. So they planned to stage this chat. 'S' would show it to her friend and make her believe he's not a nice guy for is hitting on his ex gf's friend. I did not buy what he said but forgave him. (i have no idea what i was thinking). From then on he changed his fb password. A few months after, he shared his password, asking me to change his dp with a picture i had of him. I read his messages once again. There was nothing suspicious. Recently, i found emails in his mailbox that said that the same girl 'S' has messaged him (this was about 4 months back)So i started to follow what's happening. It turned out later when i reset his fb password, that they were just friends, she knew about our relationship, bust they were flirting big time and she was calling him baby and stuff, she's sent him a ring in post, and she was asking him to take an off and spend a whole day with her. He agreed to it. All this when he did not even mention it to me. After this, we fought, I came out to my parents about this. my parents and relatives convinced me that he'd been using me and that they checked his family background. That they are morally low and would do things for money.He gifted me a puppy and on the same day he took money saying it's for hospital bill of his mom but quite obviously it was for the puppy because he hid the fact frm his parents that it's for me. He told them it's for a friend and i figured that hed have gone home with the money i gave and shown that his friend had paid. (he needn't have been so manipulative and lied about it)There are so many such instances where he's clearly lied to me. I hate people who are cunning like that, especially men.Even after my parents and relatives' collective advice and all the drama that happened at home, i went back to him, this time, with half determination. I thought i should observe for some more time before i decide. Because once again, when i tried to give space between us, he made me feel guilty and things like he cannot live without me, we should get married, I mean to him like how his mom means to him, i should fix things i damaged about his image at my home etc. So this time, i was sitting next to him in his house and like god was sending me a sign, his best friend sent him his fb password, asking him to update a status on his behalf about a program he was conducting. That's when i kept note of the password in my mind. But later i thought, what would i get out of another guy's profile. After 3 days, i suddenly thought i could know his intentions with me if i check the chat between him and his best friend, who he shares everything with.that's when i found out on the chats dated 3 yrs back that he had been cheating emotionaly, and physicaly. He had spoken so so very cheaply about women, sex and the money they have. It was so disgusting that after that chat, i just did not feel like seeing his face, hearing him or talking/texting him to say good bye. I have no closure and that's how i want it to be. Because he's so so so cheap in his thoughts about women, he had portrayed to me to be someone who treats women as equals, someone who can have platonic friendship with girls and respects them sexually.That chat of 3 yrs ago was all about hunting down this girl for money and sex. He'd sent a picture of hers (not nude though) and asked him to look at her boobs, her ass, how hot she is, and her juicy lips (ugh.)This guy replies things like she's a ^^^k piece etc. They turned out to be no different from those who stand on the roads teasing women. He was talking about how everyone at work was jealous about him getting her and other cheap talks about using his friend for money. It was all so gut wrenching to read!Anyway so it's been 3 days ive not spoken to him now. he keeps calling, texting etc. I sometimes keep my phone on block mode and am using another sim card mostly, which my dad gave me. I feel really relieved at times that I left him. Had i got married to him, that would have been really damaging, especially being in india, marriage is for life and even if you divorce, thats a big deal. Moreover my relatives had made it clear that if i was going to marry into his family, they're going to cut off ties with me. When i said this to him he'd even suggested i leave everyone behind for him. He warned that there would be a time i will have to choose between him and my parents!!!So feel really relieved that i left a monster like him but o the other hand it's so hard to believe i'm not with him, i keep feeling angry, guilty and cannot focus on things. I feel numb and cannot cry over it, but i feel so deeply sad and have no mood for anything. I'm not able to imagine anyone taking his place. Though i cannot imagine being with him either. I've lost trust in everyone when it comes to love. I'm just so scared that anyone that i date or look for in arranged marriage, might turn out to be bad later. I'm so scared that there will be people worser than him, I look at everyone with suspicion. Sometimes i question if all men cheat. Am i foolish for expecting a lot. I get scared that i'll not feel anything again for anyone. I was such a romantic person and now i'm so numb. What can i do to ensure that I do the following:What can i do to ensure that I do the following:1. Not go back to him 2. To move on into normalcy
View related questions:
alcoholic, anniversary, at work, best friend, boobs, cheap, cousin, divorce, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, jealous, money, move on, moved in, my ex, roommate, sex life, teasing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 August 2015):
 Good for you!! Keep it up. And if you can, change your phone number (easier for you to keep him from trying to reach you) and block him on all social media, if he uses e-mail make it go to your spam/trash folder and don't even bother opening them.
I think he has realized that you are not going to be his puppet on a string no more, so he WILL try and "get" you back, because those games of his is ALL he has. He thinks that is what makes him "great"... Unfortunately it doesn't it makes him a sad piece of human.
I DO hope he will freeze and be very unhappy in Antarctica (chuckle) and that you will find peace of mind and happiness without that pathetic guy in your life.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015): dear femmenoir,
Your absolutely right. I can never ever trust this guy. He's a double faced asshole. he's the kind that wants me for his selfish love and on the other hand wants to have fun to pump his ego.
Yes, we do have counseling services here and i was thinking of going for some sort of therapy or counseling. Though i am firm in my decision, my feelings are always so mixed and i have this hurt and emotional baggage. I will be lying if i say i don't miss him :( it's really hard. I will surely take help today or tomorrow from a good counsellor.
Thank you once again .. i will keep reading all your posts to help me stay firm.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015): thank you so much for all your support. I have left him for good and there's no going back. I'D LOVE TO READ THAT BOOK!as you said, anonymous aunt, this guy keeps begging. 5 days after i replied to him because i needed to close it. He kept giving me lame excuses while i stayed strong and replied unemotionally. So rationally that i myself felt I'd stopped thinking about him as a boyfriend. I even advised him to go look for things like open relationships and casual ones. but he keeps and keeps insisting that he wants only me. then like a psycho he jumps to an angry self saying i stalked on him n thats so cheap!He messes up even in the lies he tells. then he says i was immature i bow my head down ive changed blah blah. then he disrespects my parents talking as if they are the ones who initiated this whole thing. he disrespects my friends saying they are all jealous of our togetherness. When i wasn't talking to him he tried to dig stuff out of my friends. i told them not to reply to his texts or calls.He talks like he's the king of romance, saying i'll wait for you till i die. when we get old ul come back to me like the movie notebook. I mean WTF he was not satisfied with me and went for so many girls while i was very much there. Now he's talking about staying single till he dies lol.thank you so much for your advice. I will definitely not turn back and look.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): Well done on leaving him. I know how hard it is because you still have feelings for him. They create these feelings in you. They are very clever at making you feel great at first. They're like a drug that you don't want to be without. When I say 'they' I mean abusive men. You have learned first hand how his mind works and how the minds work of all abusive men. Thank goodness you read what you read because it's really hard to believe that anyone can be so manipulative and two faced isn't it? I had the same experience and had to leave a man I still felt I loved. Really hard and of course the beginning is the hardest part. Realise that if you ever went back to him, you would be without self respect. You would not be able to esteem yourself at all. You would be so unhappy in a matter of minutes or hours or days, but you would be so unhappy and you would have to go through it all again.Know that you are doing the right thing and that you have thrown him a loop for a change! He is not deserving of your time or your attention.Please read a brilliant book that helped me through my whole ordeal. It's called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It's about abusive men and their behaviour and tactics. It also states that abuse as it escalates (and this can take years) will often turn physical. Just keep on doing what you're doing. It will get easier and you have done the hardest part. If you feel you are weakening, just read your post to us again and again. Imagine that a friend of yours wrote it and imagine what advice you would give to her. BE STRONG!! BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): What an awful time you have had with this nasty character. I understand it's hard right now, but you must cut all contact with him. Keep blocking him from everything. Tell your family what you are doing and why, and get them to help you through this. Do you have any friends who can help support you? Every day that passes it will get easier. You are well out of this,...what other things can you do to occupy your time and mind?
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (27 August 2015):
 Hi,
i am happy to have read your post and to be able to give you some advice.
I would advise you VERY STRONGLY to never, ever go back to this man.
No matter what, even if he should beg, grovel, nag, cry, seduce you with words or actions, whatever, do not go back to him.
He was never worth your while and the fact that you've tolerated this man for so long really surprises me.
You sound like a wonderful, level headed woman and you know that you deserve the best and only the best.
Please know your own self worth.
Never settle for anything second rate, because such a union will NEVER bring you added happiness, nor good fortune.
You'd never be truly content and above all, how can you trust this man, after all you know about him?
From all you mention, he is very immature and he is completely untrustworthy. He has proven to be and he talks rubbish most of the time.
From where i stand, he behaviour spells complete sleaze and womaniser.
Your ex bf has no respect for himself, let alone for you and based upon all you've stated, he has no true respect for women in general, which is a huge worry in itself.
This means, that no matter whom he should be with in the future, he will continue to behave the same way.
You are better off without him and you have made a big, yet very easy decision to leave him for good.
Please do not ever look back & do realise and accept that you will feel very conflicted in your feelings for some time to come & this is normal.
Do know ,however, that in due time, you will be fine, better, happier, more positive and more free than you've ever been.
You must now find closure, you must put the past behind you and you must be brave and move on, knowing that by being single again, you have the best opportunity to meet that very special someone.
A man that will respect and love you for who you are and with sincerity. Not a man who uses you for his own good and rather thsn bring you added joy, brings you unwanted and added unhappiness.
Nobody deserves to be unhappy, especially when they can avoid it. You can avoid it, you can avoid him!
If you are finding it extra difficult to move forth, even after the advice in which we all provide you with, perhaps you could visit your GP and discuss with he/she in general terms, the fact that you're struggling emotionally after a nasty break up and you require some help, to be able to help yourself more.
To be able to cope better and to move forward in your life.
In Australia, we are very fortunate that we have so much support in many areas of society, for those who go through truama of most types, either via the ph, internet or in person.
In India, i am not too sure what is available to you support wise, after such life events.
I am very aware, that in many countries, because of cultural differences, such resources aren't always readily available.
Sorry, but this comment isn't meant to offend, it's just a general point.
I know i once required counselling and i was able to visit my GP and get a referral to see a counsellor and up to 10 visits were covered fully, from a financial standpoint, but for some people, they still have to pay a small or full fee.
You could also talk to those you are very close to, those you trust implicitely and those who won't betray you, or most importantly, 'JUDGE' you.
I would encourage you though, not to discuss your relationship break up, with those who are too close to you.
It'd be better for you to discuss this with a professional at this point in time anyway, as it is quite messy for you already.
You're struggling mentally/emotionally at present, so do take it very easy and know that you will be ok with time, but do give yourself time to grieve and time to heal. :-)
I do wish you all the best and let me know how you get on in due time. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 August 2015):
Keep blocking him, don't check up on his FB ect. Actually the EASIEST thing you can do (and yes it sounds a little cruel) is to pretend that he has married someone else and moved to Antarctica. (in your head that is).
You know he wasn't GOOD for you. Not back then, not now and he won't be in the future.
So why would you go back to him? LISTEN to your family.
And for you to now be a little jaded is normal. At some point in time you will look back and think Jeeez I was naive and dumb to be with him THAT long! but you will also know that not EVERY guy is going to be like that. YOU know now the signs of a manipulative person. You now know what you DO NOT want in your next partner. It was not the nicest lesson, but now you know.
It's OK to feel a little guilty for having dated a guy that turned out to be a bad apple, but you NEED to stop beating yourself up over it. After all YOU are the one who walked away. LOOK at the silver lining here, you AREN'T married to him!! You are now free to find your own equilibrium and date a MUCH better guy next time.
Chin up.
...............................
|
