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... Send *ild Thaing a private message | | | *ild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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She lied and said she was older, but now I'm a married man in love with a 14-year-old!
Q. What action should I take? I am a married man in my late twenties, who has fallen for someone much younger. We met in a chatroom last year, when her profile stated she was older. After a while, we spoke on MSN when I noticed that she was actu...
A. 23 June 2006: Sir, if you are still here, you are either playing us OR you don't really care what we think, and just want to continue this futile exercise to get your jollies.
And what eyeswideopen said is so much the truth that it is NO JOKE. But you can't se... (read in full...)
I have more fun when my boyfriend isn't around... !
Q. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together a little over 4 years and have been living together for 3 of them. He is from another country and goes home to visit his family for about 3-4 weeks a year. I am concerned because I don’t miss him ...
A. 22 June 2006: "How much do relationship counselors run these days?"
Honey, at this point, are you sure this relationship is worth saving? With all of those people in the apartment, when will he have time for the relationship with you?
I know I don't hav... (read in full...)
Wedding is next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all! Help.
Q. Wedding is Next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all! I (27 years old)can not believe I will marry a man(29 years old) I have lost sexual interest in him for almost one year, he is kind,loyal and giving, but he is not my type. At the begi...
A. 22 June 2006: The time for talk is over. You need to get on a plane and leave NOW. It sounds like this guy is so far removed from reality that I agree with your family - he actually could hurt you. He doesn't have any respect for your wishes, hopes, and ... (read in full...)
Wedding is next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all! Help.
Q. Wedding is Next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all! I (27 years old)can not believe I will marry a man(29 years old) I have lost sexual interest in him for almost one year, he is kind,loyal and giving, but he is not my type. At the begi...
A. 21 June 2006: After reading your responses to our counsel, I will reiterate:
We are NOT here to give you the backbone you so clearly lack.
But it seems like you are destined for a marriage you will never walk away from. You say that you will divorce him... (read in full...)
My ex hates me because I couldn't remain friends... Who's in the wrong?
Q. Is it wrong for my ex to be upset when I told her that I couldn't be her friend because I love her too much and I need time to grieve and move forward. She has moved on and I just want to do the same but she hates me because I don't want to be ...
A. 20 June 2006: There is nothing inconsiderate in wanting to having a cooling off period. Don't let her guilt you into a friendship and thereby sabotage your grieving process.
She appears to be using you as a security blanket, and she is showing you disrespe... (read in full...)
What is love, and how do I know if I am in it?
Q. How do you know your in love? I realy do think i love this boy i think about him 24/7 butterflies in stomach when i speak to him and i light up when i see him i cnt seem to eat or sleep and i tlk about him all the time and think about him i still ...
A. 20 June 2006: Well at the very least you are crushing for your boy. These feelings are both awesome and awful at the same time. Love can be that way.
The big question that is staring you in the face is: How much do you want to risk to get an answer? What yo... (read in full...)
Wedding is next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all! Help.
Q. Wedding is Next Monday but I dont want to marry him at all! I (27 years old)can not believe I will marry a man(29 years old) I have lost sexual interest in him for almost one year, he is kind,loyal and giving, but he is not my type. At the begi...
A. 20 June 2006: You have trouble with confrontation - this is why you cannot do what you should have done years ago. It is obvious even to you what needs to be done. It's all there in your post - but you are here because you choose not to see, and you choose not ... (read in full...)
I have just found out that I am dying and don't know how to tell my partner
Q. I have just found out that I am dying, but have just got engaged last week. My fiancee has noticed that I am crying all the time and keeps asking what is wrong, she seems to think I have guilty feelings about something and is starting to accuse m...
A. 16 June 2006: Wendy was actually right about what I was trying to say - I wasn't really articulating what I meant. Sorry David.
I tend to think of this place as somewhere virtual. There are lots of good people here who want genuinely want to help and support ... (read in full...)
I have just found out that I am dying and don't know how to tell my partner
Q. I have just found out that I am dying, but have just got engaged last week. My fiancee has noticed that I am crying all the time and keeps asking what is wrong, she seems to think I have guilty feelings about something and is starting to accuse m...
A. 15 June 2006: This is when you find out who your kindred spirits are. They are the ones that will be with you to the end. Embrace them so that they carry your memory after you are gone.
If you are still on this forum, leave now and experience life with you... (read in full...)
My date cancelled, I refused to see him again, over-reacted, then apologised - but haven't heard from him! What should I do?
Q. I was supposed to be going out with this guy..."first date" we had been chatting on phone all week and when it came to the day he rang me in the morning to confirm details of the evening. He then rang me 45mins before our date to cancel. He said ...
A. 15 June 2006: If you want to end up in a bad relationship then go right ahead and keep trying to hook up with him.
Respectful people do not act this way. While you may initially have had some blame to shoulder by angrily showing your disappointment, your ins... (read in full...)
What shall I do about my gay friend?
Q. I fell in love with a guy named Mike he is very attractive and he is very kind. He laid out the mat when I fell for him. He is gay....which is a really weird situation for me. He says I am the only woman he could or ever would go gay for. I don't ...
A. 15 June 2006: That jerk is a cancerous growth that needs to be removed from your life. You did the right thing, and you are already stronger for it. I am encouraged that you feel better without him. Take care!... (read in full...)
She lied and said she was older, but now I'm a married man in love with a 14-year-old!
Q. What action should I take? I am a married man in my late twenties, who has fallen for someone much younger. We met in a chatroom last year, when her profile stated she was older. After a while, we spoke on MSN when I noticed that she was actu...
A. 15 June 2006: You're not going to get a fair shake on this forum - you realize this by now I hope.
Having said this, I find your reasons for continuing this very risky relationship to be troublesome, and unconvincing. You are both very damaged people. It is u... (read in full...)
My friend went through the 'Mummy Test' and I might have overreacted
Q. Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate ...
A. 14 June 2006: I just had lunch today with my friend. She has come to see things the way Dr. Psych (and I) are seeing the situation and has concluded that he is not the one for her. Her reasons included doubts that he could create a support system from nothing, ... (read in full...)
Worried my best friend and I will drift apart
Q. Dear Cupid, I've been best friends with this girl (let's just call her Erica) since before my memory can even recall (our moms have told us that we first met when we were four months old...lol). Through elementary school, we were practically inse...
A. 14 June 2006: The prospect of losing a best friend is very painful. If you and Erica truly share a mutual connection, it will carry on for a good many years. But you have to let her go first.
By "letting go," I don't mean to say that you should stop caring a... (read in full...)
What's the difference between "loving" and "being in love with" someone?
Q. Hi, My partner and I had a discussion on 'just loving someone' and 'being in love'. He doesn't see a difference. He believes that when two people are in a relationship and they love each other then they are 'in love together'. This came abou...
A. 14 June 2006: As Bev said - Relaaaaax.
It seems a bit strange to me that you would get upset over the semantics of the word love. Actions are what count in a relationship. Does he make you feel like crap? Not special? Unworthy of his affection? If you answ... (read in full...)
She lied and said she was older, but now I'm a married man in love with a 14-year-old!
Q. What action should I take? I am a married man in my late twenties, who has fallen for someone much younger. We met in a chatroom last year, when her profile stated she was older. After a while, we spoke on MSN when I noticed that she was actu...
A. 13 June 2006: Please follow through and get some professional medical advice. You need to understand why you are allowing your emotions to consume your being and why you feel compelled to follow your heart.
I think your wife loves you very much. She sees tha... (read in full...)
What shall I do about my gay friend?
Q. I fell in love with a guy named Mike he is very attractive and he is very kind. He laid out the mat when I fell for him. He is gay....which is a really weird situation for me. He says I am the only woman he could or ever would go gay for. I don't ...
A. 13 June 2006: This guy is a jerk - you have NOTHING to apologize for, even if you misinterpreted his intentions. Maybe he feels embarrassed about making you leave and is behaving incomprehensively now - that still does NOT excuse him or warrant any sort of ... (read in full...)
Am I too sensible too early in life?
Q. I want to know if people think I'm crazy or if my mates are. We're all 19 but very different. They all have a laugh all the time and sleep around, they don't take anything seriously and move from dead end job to dead end job just to get enough money ...
A. 13 June 2006: First, you seem to have defined goals and also seem certain in your direction. This is a very good thing. But don't judge your friends too harshly because circumstances in your life could change... and you may find yourself as the one being ... (read in full...)
My ex has a new girlfriend and I just can seem to move on with my life!
Q. Hi just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to cope when an ex I'm still in love with moves on? We see each other every week as we have a child and last week he informed me that he has a new gf. I'm heartbroken and dreading seeing them tog...
A. 13 June 2006: Honey, all you can do is to put your energy into other relationships. You are mourning the end of a relationship and there is nothing to do except go through this process. It does get better, and one day you may get to a place where you can once ... (read in full...)
How do you get true love out of your mind??
Q. they say that true love means letting go of sum1 you love but i can't seem to get him out of my mind, i still love him . . . . please help me ???...
A. 13 June 2006: Honey, you don't get your true love out of your mind. You are going through a mourning process that comes with the end of a relationship. You probably want to know how long this process will take. No one can tell you how long, but I can tell you ... (read in full...)
Shes in a relationship of 7 years, but always ends up close to me at meetings, she is always chatting and flirting with me, is she actually interested in me ? (long)
Q. Flirting with a taken woman? I have been in an amateur theater group for about 2 years. Last November(2005), some new members joined our group; one was a young woman, Jessica. From the first moment we saw each other, we engaged in intense, eye con...
A. 12 June 2006: For the time being, play dumb and ignore what you perceive to be sexual advances. If she becomes more direct, i.e. she asks you out for dinner or says that she wants a more intimate relationship, you should find out how she thinks things are going ... (read in full...)
Stay with husband or pursue new relationship?
Q. Am i doing right thing? I've been married for 8 years, together for 12 years and the spark has gone. I feel I love my husband like a brother. He does not pay me attention unless I come on to him. I feel we only have the children in common. I have ...
A. 12 June 2006: Honey, you have heard agony aunts offer differing perspectives on your situation. If you choose, you can take these perspectives into account IF you want to go through the process of self-reflection. If you can get beyond validating the biases you ... (read in full...)
Stay with husband or pursue new relationship?
Q. Am i doing right thing? I've been married for 8 years, together for 12 years and the spark has gone. I feel I love my husband like a brother. He does not pay me attention unless I come on to him. I feel we only have the children in common. I have ...
A. 9 June 2006: Honey, I am not in love with my wife but I love her dearly. It sounds like you've given up on the relationship you've built with your husband, given that you've chosen to pursue that which is missing by being unfaithful with someone else.
"Do I... (read in full...)
My BF of two years just confided that he's actually married!
Q. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years now and we have plans of getting married. One day he told me he has a secret to tell me. He said he is married back home and is planning to divorce. He also said he is crazy ab...
A. 9 June 2006: I'm sorry to hear that you have been so thoroughly deceived by a cheater and a liar.
You've been a tasty side dish for this louse of a man. I would concur with the other aunts and say that if this louse can overlook a commitment as serious ... (read in full...)
Should we do long-distance for 2 years?
Q. My boyfriend is about to start his PhD in the fall. There will be a long distance relationship if we continue dating. At the end of the summer it'll be 7 months of dating after he leaves. What does a long distance relationship do to a couple w...
A. 9 June 2006: The crazy little thing called love has this irritating way of messing up the brain chemistry. No one can credibly predict the effect that an extended separation will have on your relationship.
The only guide you have in deciding whether or not t... (read in full...)
My wife and I are having big problems-do I leave or find another woman or just stay put?
Q. Oh woe is me. I need some advice on what to do. I am a married man (10 years), have kids, happy go lucky attitude, professional, well paid, blah blah. I am confident, funny and tall (6'2). The problem is that my wife has switched off the care ...
A. 9 June 2006: Don't come here looking to validate what you want to do. Are you here to get assurance that it's OK to ruin your children's lives?
I don't do this often on this forum, but here goes: You made life choices that produced children that you are resp... (read in full...)
Should I seek counselling for my problem?
Q. I really need some advice, I'm really down at the moment. I think I've suffered from depression on and off for about 5 years now. I've always been a thoughtful person, even when I was a child but I think it's turning into something more and I ...
A. 8 June 2006: It is a good thing that you are seeking help, even if it is on a forum like this. But we are not professional doctors. Furthermore, letting future job prospects influence your health care choices is simply wrong.
First, get well using the best... (read in full...)
Visit my dying uncle or take my English exams?
Q. Hi I have English exams on the 6th and 8th of June. I am really streesed about it because I found out yesterday that my uncle had 48 hours to live, so I guess that means 24 now. The problem is I want to see him before it's too late but he lives ...
A. 6 June 2006: I'm a little late on the scene, but here goes:
What do you think you will regret more in the long term, not taking the exams or not saying goodbye to someone you love dearly? In this case, you have been able to avoid the question entirely... (read in full...)
Should I wish my ex happy birthday as I still have feelings for her
Q. Do you think I should text my ex fiance to wish her a happy birthday - even though its been several months since we have spoken and the relationship ended poorly? I still have feelings for her even though she is now with someone else......
A. 6 June 2006: Be sure that you understand the reason you want to send her birthday greetings. Also, you need to understand what you expect in response - I've been there before; you want a response from her.
It all sounds so analytical, but that's what we're he... (read in full...)
My wife is depressed and I don't think I can be supportive anymore.
Q. Sorry this is so long, but it is quite difficult to explain in just a few sentences. My wife has been going through depression for a long time now (over a year) and I don't know how to be supportive anymore. Days go by without us even talking bec...
A. 6 June 2006: I have a parent who has bipolar disorder. My childhood was not too traumatic (or so I think), but near the end of high school the disorder really took a toll on all of us. I have a young brother who ended up the most damaged of all of us. He ... (read in full...)
He talks to his ex occasionally and I'm a little worried about that.
Q. All, I have been dating a girl for a little over a year now and she continues to talk to her ex. She says that he calls her about once a month just to say hi and see how things are going. These are some of the facts about this guy while they ...
A. 5 June 2006: Anon, you're right about the insecurity issue, but in defense of all of the agony aunts responding your initial post did not make it clear that the ex had these kinds of behavioural problems. We can't read minds.
If your girlfriend is not acti... (read in full...)
He talks to his ex occasionally and I'm a little worried about that.
Q. All, I have been dating a girl for a little over a year now and she continues to talk to her ex. She says that he calls her about once a month just to say hi and see how things are going. These are some of the facts about this guy while they ...
A. 5 June 2006: Thanks for the update - these are important details that needed to be presented.
If you suspect that her ex is engaging in this violent behaviour then both of you need to talk to the police to see what you can do. You and your girlfriend are not ... (read in full...)
A question for the guys, why does he get so jeolous?
Q. hey i just wanna know what the guys think. ok i have a bf for almost 10 months and things do seem to be pretty ok but one thing is his jealousy. i have a guy friend ive known for almost 4 years now and we were startin to think we should do a ...
A. 5 June 2006: Honey, please don't generalize jealousy as the sole domain of men. Plenty of women get crazy jealous - I refer you to the movie Fatal Attraction as a facetious example, but you need only scan some posts here to find women who can feel jealousy.
... (read in full...)
He talks to his ex occasionally and I'm a little worried about that.
Q. All, I have been dating a girl for a little over a year now and she continues to talk to her ex. She says that he calls her about once a month just to say hi and see how things are going. These are some of the facts about this guy while they ...
A. 5 June 2006: You have this fear that your gal could run back to her ex. Like matron has already said, you don't trust your girlfriend. This is YOUR issue to resolve, not hers. You are projecting your insecurities onto her, and if you don't stop this ... (read in full...)
Her past is threatening our future
Q. I am destroying our marriage. We are not long married and probably should have waited. My wife did not tell me everthing about her past until after we had fallen in love and i has asked her to marry me, I should have realised I could not handle it b...
A. 5 June 2006: It takes TWO to destory a marriage, so don't feel like you are the bad guy. She has as much fault to shoulder for the current situation.
Your wife brought a considerable amount of baggage into this relationship - you should ask her why she chos... (read in full...)
Im only 14 and being treated as though I were the parent, My mum does nothing whilst I raise my brother and sister, I dont get any time to myself, what should I do ?
Q. hi i am only 14 yars old and already might as well be a parent. i get up every single morning at 5 o clock have breakfast get a shower bush my teeth and get dressed then at 6:30 i get my little brother an sister age 2 and my little sister age 1 up ...
A. 5 June 2006: Thank you for updating us with more information about your mother. After reading the update, I am now convinced that you need to drag both of your parents into the same room and let them hear your side of the story. Your mother's behaviour has an ... (read in full...)
Im only 14 and being treated as though I were the parent, My mum does nothing whilst I raise my brother and sister, I dont get any time to myself, what should I do ?
Q. hi i am only 14 yars old and already might as well be a parent. i get up every single morning at 5 o clock have breakfast get a shower bush my teeth and get dressed then at 6:30 i get my little brother an sister age 2 and my little sister age 1 up ...
A. 4 June 2006: You did the right thing by talking to your dad. I think the two of you will be able to handle the care of your siblings, if worse comes to worst.
But what to do about your mother... I can't really judge her because I've only heard your side of ... (read in full...)
I want to wear clothes that make my body look as curvy as it really is...
Q. i am 15 and have quite a curvy figure and i love it! (not boasting lol). but i want to envisise it by wearing clothes that will make my body look more curvy. i really want my body to look more curvy but i am not sure on what sort of t-shirts and ...
A. 4 June 2006: There is no problem with wanting to look good because most of us want to feel like we're attractive. Just know that if you don't already get attention from the boys, you certainly will get it once you start putting yourself out there.
If you want... (read in full...)
He says stop my friendship or he will end the relationship
Q. I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years. We live a little way apart from each other and only see each other twice a week, but we do love each other very much. Last year a man moved in next door to me. There is no attraction there at all but ...
A. 3 June 2006: Some agony aunts have suggested that you encourage your man to meet your neighbour to allay his fears. This strategy will NOT work as long as he fails to deal with his trust issues in an introspective and mature way. You are not doing anything ... (read in full...)
He says stop my friendship or he will end the relationship
Q. I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years. We live a little way apart from each other and only see each other twice a week, but we do love each other very much. Last year a man moved in next door to me. There is no attraction there at all but ...
A. 3 June 2006: Relationships built on ultimatums are ones built on control. Your man does not trust in you or your judgement, but it is not really about you. He has insecurities about relationships, and these insecurities existed before you met him. If you cave ... (read in full...)
Emotional Cheating but it is just as tough to deal with
Q. Hi, my bf and i have been dating about 2 and a half years, i am 20 and his 25 years old. the problem is about 7 months ago i found out he was emotional cheating with another female, he says they were just friends but there was an obvous attraction, ...
A. 3 June 2006: If you do not trust your man, then you have to ask yourself: What is this relationship built upon? This is an important question you need to answer because it determines what you need to do next. If you are snooping through his private things, ... (read in full...)
Will my relationship with my girlfriend work out?
Q. On and off again, 5 times in 5 months. Is she going to change her mind again this time? To make this as short as possible, i'll leave out the insignificant details...I moved to where I'm at now, 2100 miles from home, last year and met a girl at the ...
A. 1 June 2006: I gotta agree with richie - the ultimate relationship is out there for you, but you have to get your shit together first. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, not only will you attract quality people, you will view the reactions these people ... (read in full...)
My friend went through the 'Mummy Test' and I might have overreacted
Q. Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate ...
A. 31 May 2006: Dr. Psych, yours is the response that best reflects my concerns. I know how stressful a Ph.D program is going to be for her. There is ample b.s. in dealing with the comprehensive exams (they do still this to candidates here), and the last thing a ... (read in full...)
My friend went through the 'Mummy Test' and I might have overreacted
Q. Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate ...
A. 31 May 2006: Thanks to all who have replied. After letting it sink in for a day I've come to the same conclusion as most of you - I overreacted in a very uncharacteristic way. I told my friend as much and apologized. Fortunately she knows me well enough to ... (read in full...)
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