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My date cancelled, I refused to see him again, over-reacted, then apologised - but haven't heard from him! What should I do?

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Question - (14 June 2006) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 June 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

I was supposed to be going out with this guy..."first date" we had been chatting on phone all week and when it came to the day he rang me in the morning to confirm details of the evening. He then rang me 45mins before our date to cancel. He said friends had turned up unexpectedly and couldnt get rid but asked me to come round to his for a meal with him and friends. I refused. He then tried to arrange another time to go out. I gave him two options either that night or never. I yelled at him a little more-he got annoyed and chose the latter. When i had calmed down i sent him a message apologising because i felt i over reacted-i received no reply. sent him another message. no reply. so decided to just forget about him. he sent me a message at 2 in the morning last night asking if i was asleep-im assuming he wanted to ring...i was asleep so replied in the morning when i woke up. Have not heard since. What should i do now??

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (15 June 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntIf you want to end up in a bad relationship then go right ahead and keep trying to hook up with him.

Respectful people do not act this way. While you may initially have had some blame to shoulder by angrily showing your disappointment, your instinct was actually correct. I HATE being stood up, but it actually hurts when it's done by people who I treat well.

My daughter has been eagerly anticipating a play day with a day care buddy. His parents have rescheduled FOUR times over the past few months. My heart breaks when I think about the disappointment my girl must feel each time we have to tell her that she won't be seeing her friend as expected. I'm done with these people, and my wife and I have decided to stop telling our girl about the next expected date. I'm so pissed that steam is pouring out of my ears right now.

Sorry about taking that tangent, but it was a timely example to use for your situation. Stop wasting energy on this guy. He's a jerk and is jerking you around.

Good luck and take care.

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A female reader, Hopeful +, writes (15 June 2006):

Hopeful agony auntI think the ball is in his court and really you can't blame the guy for not calling back.

People have things that come up. Doesn't mean they are players or cheats or bad people. They just have stuff they want to do and personally I think it was really sweet that he invited you over as well for the meal when it could have cancelled all together.

Perhaps this is a good lesson to calm down and look at other people's views and their situations before jumping down their throat.

You have called and messaged, I would leave it there. If he wants to contact you he will, if not, take this as a good lesson in tolerance and understanding for the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006):

I wouldn't call this guy a player based on his last moment cancellation. I've done that a few times in the past, except one time was because my friend was going through crap with his family and needed someone to talk to, which for your information, the night lasted about 5 hours hearing him rant, sob, and stuff like that. Another time would be with a client who flew in from San Fran.

As Irish has said, "You behaved very badly and left him with a 'bad taste' in his mouth about you."

What can you do now? I don't know. His impression of you may have gone quite a bit downwards. That was very immature/premature of you. [sigh] You can either give it time, or actively seek him out and try to make it up to him - possibly even explain why you would behave that way.

Yeah, why did you behave that way?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006):

Yes..you behaved very badly and left him with a 'bad taste' in his mouth about you. I am not sure you can fix this one, dear. He couldn't help it if his friends popped in and he was wonderful to have invited you over there to join them. He was gracious and sweet and you behaved spoiled and petulant. He's backing away for a reason and I think you know why.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2006):

DrPsych agony auntPut your trainers on and run, run away fast...some men gawd...I probably would have exploded too if someone stood me up just before a date because he couldn't get rid of his mates. He ignored your messages because he was sulking, and then got in touch at 2am when NORMAL PEOPLE are sleeping! The guy is a selfish lunatic who will make a lousy boyfriend - if he is behaving badly now, then who knows how you will find him later on...he is disrespectful and you could do better!

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A female reader, Amber Denmark +, writes (14 June 2006):

Amber agony aunt

Sounds like a case of treat-em-mean-keep-em-keen to me.This guy is a player, if he really wanted to be with you, his friends would know how important this date was and would not be so hard "to get rid of." and he certainly would not ignore you the way he did..believe me, you are wasting your time. You can give him chances till you're blue in the face he IS NOT going to change. He will only mess with you head and play games, take it from someone who knows. You can do so much better.

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