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... Send *ild Thaing a private message | | | *ild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 28 July 2006: Hmmm... 9 days since the original post and nary a word from the poster. I daresay she has scurried away from this forum is search of people who will tell her what she wants to hear.
But look at what she started. Very interesting, I say :)
Po... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 27 July 2006: Lol Willywombat, you make me sound like a priest :)
I don't mean to preach, although it sometimes comes out that way. In this case, I just don't know how to ask the questions that will help this poster get answers that she can truly live with. S... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 27 July 2006: Willywombat, what I ask from people who cheat are arguments that are consistent with the moral standard of their unwitting partner. If the moral standards of both are the same, then having other sex partners should pose no issue and there is no ... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 27 July 2006: Oh puhleeeeze...
Poster, have you done any further thinking, or have you just gone away because you don't want to hear that others have a moral standard that is different from yours?
If all of you cheaters who have posted here feel no guilt, t... (read in full...)
Its hard to leave my 19 year old lover behind
Q. I am in love with a 19 yr old girl and she is in love with me (42). We both know that nothing can come from this relationship as she wants children, I cant have any (vasectomy), I am also married. We tried separating but were both unhappy and soon ...
A. 20 July 2006: I can see, based on your responses, that you are simply defending your behaviour. This means that you are not ready to listen to our counsel, personal attacks notwithstanding.
Furthermore, since it appears for the moment that you are not open to ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend has a relationship with his ex's child.
Q. How do I handle this problem? I have been dating a man for almost 3 years. We just moved in together 8 months ago. The problem is that he has developed a reltionship with his ex's 8 year old daughter in the last 5 years and now considers her, ...
A. 20 July 2006: Honey, your responses tell us more about you, and I'm going to tell you what my observations are:
1) The defensiveness of your tone tells us that you are not ready to listen to other viewpoints. While you elaborate on your original post, you don'... (read in full...)
My boyfriend has a relationship with his ex's child.
Q. How do I handle this problem? I have been dating a man for almost 3 years. We just moved in together 8 months ago. The problem is that he has developed a reltionship with his ex's 8 year old daughter in the last 5 years and now considers her, ...
A. 20 July 2006: "What do I do????????? HELP!!!!"
You have choices, each with their own consequences.
1) You end this relationship because you have decided that you don't want to share a BF with a child who sees this man as a father figure. You are almost d... (read in full...)
Im a bit curious to play the field as im not sure if me and the bf fell in love properly!!
Q. What should I do? I'm 20, have been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years, it is the only serious relationship I've ever been in. He is a great guy but lately I have felt really wistful about friends who are in new relationships and all of the 'firs...
A. 20 July 2006: Honey, you are at the stage in your life where you are still growing (literally), maturing, and experiencing new thoughts and emotions. There is a whole world out there that you still don't know about.
If you are questioning the suitabil... (read in full...)
Getting out of a bad marriage and having an affair with married man
Q. I have just come through a dreadful breakdown in my marriage, he has left and I am battling with divorce. The thing is, I have met someone who has given me a shoulder and we have begun an affair. I know it won't help in the long run but for now he h...
A. 20 July 2006: It is unbelievably ironic that you chose to seek comfort in a man who clearly has no intention of committing to you 100%. You are so damaged right now that you believe his sloppy seconds are satisfactory, but what will you think when you are not ... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 20 July 2006: Wow, it's great that you and your lover have no problems with this deceit. Moral relativism at its finest.
It's curious that you only want to hear from those who are having or who have had affairs. Are you afraid of hearing something you don'... (read in full...)
Its hard to leave my 19 year old lover behind
Q. I am in love with a 19 yr old girl and she is in love with me (42). We both know that nothing can come from this relationship as she wants children, I cant have any (vasectomy), I am also married. We tried separating but were both unhappy and soon ...
A. 19 July 2006: Yes, I am as confused as Dr. Psych - are you married but having an affair with the 19-year old, or are you married to the 19-year old?
It sounds to me like it's the former. You had better get out of the girl's life now, based on what your ins... (read in full...)
Singleton or one of many? Will my child miss out?
Q. Hi! I need some advice! i am in a relationship with a man who is controlling and selfish and insensitive. We have a 3 year old son. I have been recently been reading articles about only childs and i am worried as i haven't heard many advantages ...
A. 18 July 2006: Honey, whether or not any child develops relationship problems later in life has much to do with upbringing. If you feel guilty about having an only child I am sure you will project this onto your son, and he will take advantage of it and become ... (read in full...)
Mother in law from hell...please help!
Q. I have been married for nearly 6 years my mother in law has never accepted me. She always puts me down as a person and a mother even though she neglected her two kids as children as she mostly drunk and used to shut her kids away yet she sits in her ...
A. 18 July 2006: You have put up with this situation for longer than most. Your husband needs to understand that his mother became a relative when he married you, while you and the (future) children are his family.
My wife helped me to see this over time, an... (read in full...)
He's lied constantly for the past 6 months should I still stay ?
Q. i have been with my boyfriend for 6 months. i knew he was married but he said they had separated. i got a phone call ffrom his wife saying that they were still together!!! me and my bf do everything together and i do love him dearly. but he h...
A. 17 July 2006: Honey, this guy has shown himself to be untrustworthy.
Knowing that he has pulled the wool over your eyes for SIX months, would you trust him with your life? With your kids? With your money?
The question for you now is: How much self-respec... (read in full...)
I am trying to end my affair with a married man
Q. Eventually i thought of ending my affair with this married man. I did not reply his sms and answering his call n did not want to see him as well for three weeks already but the true is i still miss him deeply. Pls advice, i am already suffer ...
A. 17 July 2006: As you can see, you are not alone in your struggle!
Your instinct, finally, came shouting through and you ended this lopsided relationship with this cad.
It may take you months to get over this relationship, but try to concentrate on w... (read in full...)
I love him this amazing guy... And he says he'll break up with his girlfriend at the end of the year!
Q. I'm in love with an amazing guy who completes me but something is in the way of us being together and that person is his girlfriend. I have been inlove wit him 4 bout 5 months but had a crush on him 4 a year and a half but he ays he wants us to be ...
A. 15 July 2006: Honey, you are a sucker.
If your amazing man was a man at all he would break up with his girlfriend now. I am willing to bet that by the end of this year he will tell you that he is going to marry his girlfriend out of obligation.
This gu... (read in full...)
Could my crush on him ruin our friendship?!
Q. I'm friends with a guy that I have developed a bit of a crush on over the last few months...I have been careful to hide this fact becuase I wanted to protect our friendship. But lately he has been flirting with me in away that has gotten very sexy ...
A. 15 July 2006: Honey, there is no "damage" to control unless you believe there is. And right now, your behaviour is causing the damage.
Friendships sometimes undergo tests. This is such a time for you and your friend. It is now that you will learn what his... (read in full...)
I married her out of laziness, now she's pregnant and I worship someone else!
Q. In 1998 a girl invaded my life. Through neglect or simple laziness, I went out with her without complaining, even though she grated with me. She idolised me. Five years on and the relationship was still there, again through my laziness to tell her ...
A. 15 July 2006: "... she herself is quite "child-like" in her character which has probably meant I;ve been too paternal."
A successful marriage is supposed to be a relationship between equals. I can see an imbalance in your marriage that will lead you to resen... (read in full...)
My soul mate is married to someone else!
Q. Help! I've been searching for a while and I've finally found my 'soul mate'. She's perfect! Only problem is...she's married. I know I can't tell her, (I shouldn't have told anyone really but there you go), but it's affecting my life pretty badly. I...
A. 7 July 2006: To the original poster - I just read your April 24 follow up.
The term "soul mate" is so charged, and so incorrectly applied here.
I have a few very close relationships that are the foundation upon which my life is built. What is common among ... (read in full...)
I married her out of laziness, now she's pregnant and I worship someone else!
Q. In 1998 a girl invaded my life. Through neglect or simple laziness, I went out with her without complaining, even though she grated with me. She idolised me. Five years on and the relationship was still there, again through my laziness to tell her ...
A. 7 July 2006: If you followed your instinct from the start, you would not have made the choices that you did. Now, these choices are in the past. They have been made, and look where you are now.
I am not here to tell you what you want to hear. You now have... (read in full...)
I'm going to miss the place I used to have in my daughter's heart when she gets married...
Q. How do I get over the fact that I wont be #1 in my daughter's life after she gets married? My 30 yr old daughter is getting married, and well, it's making me nervous. I'm her dad and she's my "little girl" and I feel like I'm losing her. She ...
A. 6 July 2006: I am going to assume (for lack of information) that the mother of your daughter either does not live with you or has passed away.
You are seeing a major relationship, perhaps the most important one, undergoing a huge change and it is a traumati... (read in full...)
He's a friend... but is he alluding to something romantic?
Q. I previously posted this problem: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-frisky-with-my-friend-how-do.html but now I have a whole new question, just about the same guy. Last night, we were having a natter, and he asked me if I wanted to go off...
A. 6 July 2006: If you are concerned about the status of your relationship with him, it really comes down to this: Do both of you consider each other to be kindred spirits (some people use the less accurate term soul mate)? If yes, then a romantic relationship is ... (read in full...)
He's a friend... but is he alluding to something romantic?
Q. I previously posted this problem: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-frisky-with-my-friend-how-do.html but now I have a whole new question, just about the same guy. Last night, we were having a natter, and he asked me if I wanted to go off...
A. 5 July 2006: It all comes down to trust, expectations, and temptation.
Do you know him well enough to anticipate or predict his expectations?
Going to an isolated cottage is inviting temptation for both of you. If you trust him to stop when you say sto... (read in full...)
My partner is ruled by his Mother! What can I do?
Q. My partner is ruled by his mother. She manipulates him when he is low. We have had a bad year, because he lost his job and has been unemployed. She has never wanted me with him and has spent this past year taking every opportunity to plant seeds in ...
A. 5 July 2006: A boy who clings to mommy's apron strings. How pathetic.
It sounds like you gave him an ulitmatum and he chose to tug on those apron strings rather than cut them.
I was given that ultimatum, albeit by degrees, early on in my relationship wit... (read in full...)
Having children and getting married is high on her list... But low on mine. Anyone like to share some wisdom?
Q. Hi, I (I'm 43) have met this women that I am very taken with, however I don't want children. We have not been going out long, but in talking have found out that getting married and having children is high on her list. If a women (age 31) has alw...
A. 4 July 2006: The issue of children is a dealbreaker. I have seen marriages end because the couples involved did not broach this subject before going through with marriage and found out later on that one did not want children.
How would you feel if she put ... (read in full...)
My insecurities have driven her away!!
Q. Hi, I am having some serious relationship problems with my girlfriend. I have been with her for nearly 18 months now and I love her deeply. The problem seems to be my insecurities, I have never really been particularly lucky in love, I put in m...
A. 3 July 2006: It's difficult to know when instinct is being shouted down by emotion. We have so much emotional investment in some relationships that the emotions themselves become our enemy. Being very passionate by nature, I've fallen victim to the enemy more ... (read in full...)
My insecurities have driven her away!!
Q. Hi, I am having some serious relationship problems with my girlfriend. I have been with her for nearly 18 months now and I love her deeply. The problem seems to be my insecurities, I have never really been particularly lucky in love, I put in m...
A. 3 July 2006: Bickle, I regret that you felt that my words were harsh - I agree that they were. But based on your subsequent replies you are choosing an encouraging path that gives you the best chance to mend your relationship. Furthermore you may find some ... (read in full...)
Is it possible for some loser like me to date and have a long term relationship with a girl I like who is popular?
Q. I wasn't very popular at school (both primary and secondary) though not in a bad way, just people dind't want me to be their best friend. Even when I got my year book and people wrote stuff about me in it, it made me embarrassed because it was ...
A. 2 July 2006: Re-read your post as if someone you knew (but not you) had written it. What conclusions would you draw? What would you have to say about the tone of the post and the attitude of the author? How would you advise this person?
Before I went to ... (read in full...)
My insecurities have driven her away!!
Q. Hi, I am having some serious relationship problems with my girlfriend. I have been with her for nearly 18 months now and I love her deeply. The problem seems to be my insecurities, I have never really been particularly lucky in love, I put in m...
A. 1 July 2006: "i don't want to have all these worries in my head anymore but I don't want to lose her either....."
You don't ask for much, do you?
In your partner's mind, the romantic relationship with you is pretty much over. This girl brought the ulti... (read in full...)
I confessed all because he gave signals he felt the same, but he says hes already settled! How do I face him ?
Q. Arggghhh!!! I feel like banging my head against the computer screen, i feel so stupid! This goes back quiet a while. This guy who comes down the local pub is absolutely gorgeous, he's kind funny and has always been there for me. Once me...
A. 29 June 2006: Confessing is a very risky thing to do, and it is all the more risky when you are reacting to someone's drunken words.
When you are around him, treat him no better than you would any other friend. And really mind the boundaries. He said som... (read in full...)
The girl I love is leaving for a new job. How do I tell her I want to be with her?
Q. I have worked with this girl for 4 years and she is now leaving for another job. But I have realised that I am in love with her. I never knew I had such feelings until two weeks befor she left. I know she has a boyfriend but they only see each other ...
A. 28 June 2006: Thanks for your update. It sounds like you are currently not working with her.
If she has decided to stay with her boyfriend then she has told you where you stand. I have a friend who is married to a guy that I think is a total deadbeat... (read in full...)
The girl I love is leaving for a new job. How do I tell her I want to be with her?
Q. I have worked with this girl for 4 years and she is now leaving for another job. But I have realised that I am in love with her. I never knew I had such feelings until two weeks befor she left. I know she has a boyfriend but they only see each other ...
A. 28 June 2006: Be careful to determine exactly what it is you feel - it may feel like love, but it just may be an overwhelming desire to help an injured bird. Be sure that it is love and not some other emotion that is masquerading as love.
There is quite li... (read in full...)
I am in love with a married man
Q. iam 18 years old,attractive, intelligent girl and my problem is that i think in love with a married man with two kids one year and four year children. he is living with his wife the only time i see him is the weekends when his wife is at work. to be ...
A. 26 June 2006: "... can't talk this about my friends or family."
This statement says it all. Listen to your instinct - it is screaming something at you.
This married man has no desire to share you with his other life, just as you don't want to share this fl... (read in full...)
Married but met someone else, stay or leave?
Q. Ive been with my husband for 12 years, married for 7. Things were fine until my father committed suicide 5 years ago, and cracks began to show in our marriage. We separated twice, and have recently got back together to give it one last try. Finally ...
A. 26 June 2006: Bev submitted a very good reply - I agree with her comments.
If you are going to leave your husband, you need to be alone until you have adjusted to standing on your own two feet. You will need to shed the baggage of your unhappy relation... (read in full...)
Married but met someone else, stay or leave?
Q. Ive been with my husband for 12 years, married for 7. Things were fine until my father committed suicide 5 years ago, and cracks began to show in our marriage. We separated twice, and have recently got back together to give it one last try. Finally ...
A. 25 June 2006: Do you have any children? My subsequent comments will depend on the answer to this question.... (read in full...)
Can't wait to grow up so I can long for something else!
Q. I feel so depressed. I'm 16 and have just left school im confident I have done well in my exams as ive always put the energy of my problems into my work; I hide behind my education. Im going to my local sixth form by myself which doesn't bother me ...
A. 25 June 2006: Lasting and meaningful relationships may seem far away now, but be patient. You are yearning for acceptance and companionship (i.e. you are lonely) and are letting the associated emotions control you. Although you might be good at socializing, it ... (read in full...)
Don't want to take the plunge - just want to run away!
Q. Marriage License/Certificate, which one is more legally important? Which one makes marriage valid? which one is used as a proof of a legal marriage? in my state, it requires to return the signed certificate within 15 days after marriage cere...
A. 24 June 2006: Your story sounds familiar, like you've been here before and posted a question about getting out of a one-way marriage that is happening on Monday.
If you have doubts, you need to back away from this wedding now. If you respect your fiance a... (read in full...)
My husband has been posting his details on dating websites!
Q. Dear Cupid Please help me. I am 39 years old and have been married for 11 years but have been with my husband for almost 19 years, since university. We have 3 lovely boys. We have always been - I thought - very much in love and very happy, the ...
A. 24 June 2006: The fact that you caught him lying about his whereabouts is the most concerning issue of all - you are right to be upset. If I were you, I would be wondering what else he is lying about.
In the hustle and bustle of trying to make ends meet and... (read in full...)
I cannot stop thinking about my high school sweetheart
Q. In high school I dated a guy for 3 yrs. I broke up with him thinking that he probably was not the one. We remained friends and kept in touch throughout the years. During my first marriage, which only lasted 1 yr., he had moved to another state. ...
A. 24 June 2006: Honey, you have learned a lesson about relationships the hard way - when you hide your feelings you risk missing out on something special.
There is nothing to be done that can change what has passed. There is only now and the future. And ther... (read in full...)
I love my husband so much so why can't I give up this other man?
Q. I wrote asking for help a while ago..i was having an "emotinal affair"(flirting kissing but nothing more,definately no sex)with a friend of my husbands and mine. My "Lover" and I had an opportunnity lately to take things further but although we ...
A. 24 June 2006: Honey, nothing happened, yet you are beating yourself up! I commend you for understanding what you stand to lose. You climbed the fence, looked over... and saw the abyss. Then you jumped off the fence, not over it, and landed firmly on your side. ... (read in full...)
She lied and said she was older, but now I'm a married man in love with a 14-year-old!
Q. What action should I take? I am a married man in my late twenties, who has fallen for someone much younger. We met in a chatroom last year, when her profile stated she was older. After a while, we spoke on MSN when I noticed that she was actu...
A. 23 June 2006: Sir, if you are still here, you are either playing us OR you don't really care what we think, and just want to continue this futile exercise to get your jollies.
And what eyeswideopen said is so much the truth that it is NO JOKE. But you can't se... (read in full...)
Everlasting love... ?
Q. I have seen a lot of my friends and family marry only to all split up or separate in less than 5 years. What is wrong with us? Why are we not trying to work hard at a relationship especially when there are children involved.In my parents day they ...
A. 23 June 2006: I see that you answered the first question, which is a good start. Are you satisfied with your answer?
You did not or chose not to reveal to us the answer to the second question, which is, "What do you believe is the foundation of your marriage... (read in full...)
Everlasting love... ?
Q. I have seen a lot of my friends and family marry only to all split up or separate in less than 5 years. What is wrong with us? Why are we not trying to work hard at a relationship especially when there are children involved.In my parents day they ...
A. 22 June 2006: Honey, 80% might as well be 100%. But I find it curious that you think you are "settling" for your husband. This choice of words means that you need to resolve the perceived gaps in the relationship with your husband.
What do you think is missi... (read in full...)
I really like my cousin - is what I'm feeling wrong?
Q. Hi there... okay im 21 years old, when i was 18 i did something that I thought was stupid and wrong, i slept with my cousin! Before i get judged at, i couldnt help it, yes we were drunk but there has always been something there between us. Anyway, ...
A. 22 June 2006: "... i dont know wat he thinks and i dont know what i think."
There's always a risk in confessing one's feelings to another. This is the main issue for you. How much are you willing to lose by confessing? How much do you think you stand to... (read in full...)
I have more fun when my boyfriend isn't around... !
Q. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together a little over 4 years and have been living together for 3 of them. He is from another country and goes home to visit his family for about 3-4 weeks a year. I am concerned because I don’t miss him ...
A. 22 June 2006: "How much do relationship counselors run these days?"
Honey, at this point, are you sure this relationship is worth saving? With all of those people in the apartment, when will he have time for the relationship with you?
I know I don't hav... (read in full...)
She lied and said she was older, but now I'm a married man in love with a 14-year-old!
Q. What action should I take? I am a married man in my late twenties, who has fallen for someone much younger. We met in a chatroom last year, when her profile stated she was older. After a while, we spoke on MSN when I noticed that she was actu...
A. 15 June 2006: You're not going to get a fair shake on this forum - you realize this by now I hope.
Having said this, I find your reasons for continuing this very risky relationship to be troublesome, and unconvincing. You are both very damaged people. It is u... (read in full...)
She lied and said she was older, but now I'm a married man in love with a 14-year-old!
Q. What action should I take? I am a married man in my late twenties, who has fallen for someone much younger. We met in a chatroom last year, when her profile stated she was older. After a while, we spoke on MSN when I noticed that she was actu...
A. 13 June 2006: Please follow through and get some professional medical advice. You need to understand why you are allowing your emotions to consume your being and why you feel compelled to follow your heart.
I think your wife loves you very much. She sees tha... (read in full...)
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