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My wife and I are having big problems-do I leave or find another woman or just stay put?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 February 2006) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 June 2006)
A male , *obsevers writes:

Oh woe is me. I need some advice on what to do. I am a married man (10 years), have kids, happy go lucky attitude, professional, well paid, blah blah. I am confident, funny and tall (6'2). The problem is that my wife has switched off the care button for me. She doesn't want to make love, she doesn't engage me intellectually and she doesn't make me laugh at all. She is high - maintenance and needs an awful lot of support.

We have screaming rows about nothing and I feel that the love is gone. She of course is the principal carer for the kids, she looks after the house (really important things) and I really am grateful for that. We have sought help but didn't work out; I have been honest with her and have almost left before.

Should I;

- leave (very difficult with the kids)

- find another woman to care for me (there have been a number who have said they would - I am faithful)

- stop moaning and get on with another 10 years of unhappiness...

Any help?

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (9 June 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntDon't come here looking to validate what you want to do. Are you here to get assurance that it's OK to ruin your children's lives?

I don't do this often on this forum, but here goes: You made life choices that produced children that you are responsible for. Your choices from now on will affect their lives until they are old enough to stand on their own two feet.

It sounds to me like you are aware that leaving your entire family will be messy and cause some damage to your kids. The correct way to put the consequences of leaving your family is that it WILL cause GREAT damage to your kids.

Martini sounded rather facetious when he suggested that you give your wife the three options. I say it's time for you to take responsibility for the choices you have made by re-establishing the lines of communication with your wife, so that both of you can come to a resolution to your relationship problems that brings the least amount of harm to your children.

In short, be a man and live up to your responsibilities.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006):

I feel exactly the same as you. I have been with my husband for 12 years married for 8 years. We have two children and if I am honest with my self I love my husband like a brother. It is wrong to stay together for the children I feel that two happy parents apart are better than two unhappy parents together. I have tried for years to leave and have now found the confidence to do so I hope one day it will all fall into place for you. no one can tell you what to do you will know when the time is right for you. good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006):

Mate you are not alone, i am in exactly the same position, been married 14 years have a 10 yr old daughter, love the wife but not in love and we are more mam and dad than husband and wife, really dissallusioned and now have someone else showing interest. Really head shot.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2006):

i think you should sit down and talk this through with her and see how she feels. good luck and hope all goes well.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2006):

smeedle agony auntWell you can just throw away 10 years of marriage and seek happines with one of these women that want to "care for you" !!or you can take stock of the marriage, look at what is wrong and what part you play in the problems and try and work out an action plan.

No one said marriage is easy and Im not saying you should stay with your wife, what im asking is that you be honest about what has gone wrong and what can if anything be done to save it.

You have made some comments like:- "she is high maintenence", Wife has switched off the Care button" , she does`nt engage you intellectually", and 10 years of unhappiness!

I am not sure what to make of these comments and if you have time it would be good if you could clarify these points for me.

It would appear that since you said you had 10 years of unhappiness and have been married 10 years that since getting married you have been unhappy, is this just more than her being tired due to looking after kids and home so not having energy for sex that is wrong, You dont say how old the kids are.

Everyone in a relationship rows and lets face it 10 years is a long time, you will get on each others nerves from time to time.

Does she feel the same way about you and the relationship, if you dont know then ask her you may get a surprise!

Im not going to tell you to stay or leave, just talk to her and soul search, look at what is right and what is wrong, when it went wrong and is there any hope.

Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2006):

Why don't you give her these three options, and see what she says?

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