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... Send *ild Thaing a private message | | | *ild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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He sometimes mentions our age difference. What does that mean?
Q. Im 18 and hes turning 25, we flirt and kiss so much but he just mentions age just a little. What does that mean? Like. i like him alot and he likes me alot and he also says he just dosent wanna get in to trouble......
A. 16 August 2007: Sorry, I don't understand what you wrote. Can you give us some more details?... (read in full...)
He sometimes mentions our age difference. What does that mean?
Q. Im 18 and hes turning 25, we flirt and kiss so much but he just mentions age just a little. What does that mean? Like. i like him alot and he likes me alot and he also says he just dosent wanna get in to trouble......
A. 13 August 2007: If he brings up your age or his age or the age gap then it is safe to say that age is weighing on his mind. Therefore, it would be best to lower your expectations about this guy until you are both comfortable about the age gap.
He definite... (read in full...)
SITE NEWS: Please beware of private messages from strangers asking for money or promising riches!
Q. Hi everyone We've had a couple of scammers posting private mails through the site. Please everyone use your common sense and keep yourself safe. This goes for all sites, not just this one! * Never give anyone your phone number or home em...
A. 11 August 2007: No no, say it ain't so. baby2love is not all mine? Oh woe to me...... (read in full...)
I want to leave my marriage, but dont know how to tell my husband
Q. I have been married for 8, almost 9 months and I want to leave. We dated for about 2 years, even though most of the first year was long distance. We lived together for the second and then got married. I've started to feel like we rushed everything ...
A. 10 August 2007: The threats of suicide amount to emotional abuse. Your husband uses these threats to control you by playing upon your guilt.
You are not responsible for his choices. But you are certainly responsible for yours. And by acquiescing to his mani... (read in full...)
My baby girl came into bed with me after being terrified of noisy fireworks; now she won't go back to her cot
Q. Hi i'm happily married with 2 kids. One is 17 and the other is 18months both girls. Well recently shes been sleeping with us. i know this may not sound like a big issue but to say shes that young shes growing up fast and is one of these babies that ...
A. 9 August 2007: Ah, the tough love approach. My wife used that on my daughter one night while I was away on a business trip. It worked! I guess I was the problem :)
Seriously though, flowergirl has made a great point about showing the kids who's the boss. T... (read in full...)
I'm 20 years old, and dating a 36 year old. What do you think?
Q. I am 20 and the guy I am starting to see is 36. I know how to handle myself as a woman so I'm not worried about getting to attached like most ladies my age... I know I know girls say that all the time but seriously I'm a very mature 20 year old. ...
A. 8 August 2007: Someone who is mature tends not to claim to be mature and then respond to feedback in the defensive manner you just exhibited.
Try to listen more and defend less. That is the mark of someone who is comfortable in her own skin. Maybe then I w... (read in full...)
I'm married and have been seeing a married woman; we know it's wrong but we're not happy in our marriages
Q. I am a 32 year old male and i have been married for seven years and have a son. Like all marriages we have had our ups and downs but i feel that my feelings for my wife are not as strong as they should be. Over the past two years i have developed ...
A. 8 August 2007: How can I be more blunt than...
You are already hurting your families. Don't hide behind a cowardly excuse to justify your deception, i.e. we don't want to hurt anyone by coming clean. If the two of you could see beyond your self-abs... (read in full...)
My baby girl came into bed with me after being terrified of noisy fireworks; now she won't go back to her cot
Q. Hi i'm happily married with 2 kids. One is 17 and the other is 18months both girls. Well recently shes been sleeping with us. i know this may not sound like a big issue but to say shes that young shes growing up fast and is one of these babies that ...
A. 8 August 2007: Your little girl is feeling unsafe in her own bed, and currently her only coping mechanism is to go to where she thinks it is safe - your bed!
Eyeswideopen has a good suggestion about using positive feedback, and that will work as a reinforc... (read in full...)
I'm 20 years old, and dating a 36 year old. What do you think?
Q. I am 20 and the guy I am starting to see is 36. I know how to handle myself as a woman so I'm not worried about getting to attached like most ladies my age... I know I know girls say that all the time but seriously I'm a very mature 20 year old. ...
A. 8 August 2007: If you are as mature as you claim to be, why do you care about what others think?... (read in full...)
My wife caught me talking to other women on dating sites.
Q. ok well here goes. i used to be on all these dating sites. then i got married. but i continued to go on them well. the other day my wife caught me, and seen that i had been talking to these women. so she then accused me of lieing, cheating, and meet ...
A. 7 August 2007: Buddy, time for you to man up and take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Do not minimize the seriousness of your offence.
You deceived your spouse when you did not inform her that you continued to visit these dating sites - ... (read in full...)
He loves to eye other women be it any public gathering.
Q. I have been married for the last 5 years and I share a very good relationship with my husband but there is one thing we always disagree on. He loves to eye other women be it any public gathering. I have confronted him a lot of times and I am very ...
A. 7 August 2007: I'd say you are on the road to divorce because you and your husband have serious communication problems.
So your husband is denying that he has wandering eyes when you catch him in the act. I can see how you would consider his denials and defl... (read in full...)
what do I do with my anger at God?
Q. I am 46, my brother is 34. I just found out that my father molested him from age 10-16. I thought I was a grounded christian. Needless to say this has shaken my fundamental belief system to the core. I feel so lost, sorry for my brother, guilty. I ...
A. 4 August 2007: God would be responsible for your brother's horrible experience IF God caused it to happen. But He didn't.
God gave us the gift of free will, as Malyce pointed out. Therefore we choose the direction of our lives - not God. We can choose t... (read in full...)
His family forced him to divorce me and now he regrets it
Q. I recently got divorced after being with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 daughters. The oldest is mine as it is not his child, we only had 1 child married. My problem and question is this.We were having problems in our marriage and just fell ...
A. 4 August 2007: Good for you!
Now is the time to start healing and to lean heavily on your support system. You can finally see clearly how toxic your ex-husband has been in your family's life.
I think your girls will be grateful when they no longer have to v... (read in full...)
Should I put up with him going on 2 month long vacations without me?
Q. Am I overreacting? I live with my fiance and he said that he thinks we spend too much time together like any other couple that lives together and that we are starting to take each other for granted. So, therefore, he thinks the vacations that he has ...
A. 1 August 2007: "Would other girls put up with this?"
It only matters whether or not you are willing to tolerate this behaviour. After all, it's you who will be married to this guy, not other girls.
What does your inner voice tell you? That should be the gu... (read in full...)
My boyfriend doesnt just glance at other women, he GAWKS
Q. Dear cupid, I have a question about men who gawk for long periods of time at other women. I understand that it is human nature for a man to glance. Is it a problem when it gets to the point to where my BF is spending the whole night at the pub gawk...
A. 1 August 2007: Regardless of the timing, let him know that you know that he ogles other women. If he flat out denies that he does it then your relationship is in serious peril. If he acknowledges it then ask him, "How does gawking at other women show respect for ... (read in full...)
My husband took another woman out on our boat while I was away
Q. My husband took a female friend/coworker out on our boat while I was away at a sporting event last weekend. He picked her up in her town (by water), met her at the dock of a hotel at the waters edge, took her for a ride approx 30 km north up the ...
A. 1 August 2007: You don't trust your husband... therefore you will have a hard time getting over the anger and hurt.
He thought this visit was innocent, but you think he crossed a boundary, so you decided to yank on the leash. If my assessment is incorrec... (read in full...)
Do you think that I can trust my wife with this man in our life?
Q. In May 2006 my wife of eight years began having an affair with a coworker. I confronted her a few weeks later and she said that their secret relationship was over. Throughout the rest of the year I correctly suspected that their affair was ...
A. 31 July 2007: So, you are willing to perpetrate a deception (claiming the unborn baby is yours) to cover up the result of a prior deception (the pregnancy of your wife through an affair)? Perplexing.
I can only imagine the moral confusion your children... (read in full...)
I feel we've grown apart - should I leave my husband?
Q. I Love my Husband but am not In love with him. I have been with my husband for 18 years ( he was my first relationship), until recently i thought we had the perfect marriage 2 children , nice home etc. Then i met someone at work who i am very att...
A. 31 July 2007: Divorce is not the only option but right now it will be the most damaging.
If you choose divorce at this point, you will destroy your family. Let's take off the rose-coloured glasses here - the pain of divorce will be fully felt by your children... (read in full...)
Is it healthy for us to go out seperately?
Q. my fiance says it is healthy for the both of us to go out alone with our friends.Is that true or not?...
A. 30 July 2007: In healthy, trusting relationships, guys' night out / girls' night out is generally not a problem.
Why do YOU think it is a problem? Please give us an honest answer so that we can provide our perspectives based on the best information.... (read in full...)
His family forced him to divorce me and now he regrets it
Q. I recently got divorced after being with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 daughters. The oldest is mine as it is not his child, we only had 1 child married. My problem and question is this.We were having problems in our marriage and just fell ...
A. 30 July 2007: I'm with Sugarbuns - It's time for you to define the boundaries of your relationship with your ex-husband and tell him explicitly. He behaves as if he is cheating on his mother with you. A sick thought, but if the shoe fits...
That your 6-year o... (read in full...)
I'm his wife, yet he loves his first fiancee more.
Q. my husband and i have been married almost 2 years, together for 4 1/2. about a month ago he announced he wanted a divorce. apparently he found the "love of his life" a woman that had been his first fiance, 27 years ago. i was unaware that we were ...
A. 30 July 2007: Let me get this straight. Your husband declares his undying love for someone else and wants you to move out?
You may not want divorce but you will have to consider the possibility. It's probably time for you to see a lawyer and start the proc... (read in full...)
Do you think that I can trust my wife with this man in our life?
Q. In May 2006 my wife of eight years began having an affair with a coworker. I confronted her a few weeks later and she said that their secret relationship was over. Throughout the rest of the year I correctly suspected that their affair was ...
A. 30 July 2007: Well, do you think you have been treated with respect? Has your wife taken any concrete steps to prove that she is trustworthy?
Whatever decision you make about your marriage, let trust and respect be your guide. Good luck and take care.... (read in full...)
She believed I was having an affair and we split.. I am devastated! Any advice?
Q. We were together and in love for 5 years and had decided to get married. We arranged everything including the airline tickets for her family to fly in from Brazil. However in the last year of our relationship she gradually became more suspicious of ...
A. 30 July 2007: Wow, you got to the heart of the matter - trust and respect. Good for you!
I think you could give great advice on this forum if you chose to. Good luck and take care.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend is going through a divorce and is sometimes moody with me
Q. My boyfriend of two months is pending divorce from his wife. He is sometimes attentive and loving, sometimes moody and distant. I have done everything I can to show how I feel for him. Is this a lost cause or should I be more patient?...
A. 29 July 2007: Give him space, and plenty of it.
It's clear that he is carrying some major baggage and needs to process the failure of his marriage. Have you considered that you are the rebound relationship for him?... (read in full...)
His family forced him to divorce me and now he regrets it
Q. I recently got divorced after being with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 daughters. The oldest is mine as it is not his child, we only had 1 child married. My problem and question is this.We were having problems in our marriage and just fell ...
A. 29 July 2007: Well, based on your follow-up, your ex-husband hasn't cut the apron strings and does not have a clue. Too bad for him.
It is the height of immaturity when he blames his woes on everyone else but himself. It sure sounds like he ran from the arms... (read in full...)
His family forced him to divorce me and now he regrets it
Q. I recently got divorced after being with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 daughters. The oldest is mine as it is not his child, we only had 1 child married. My problem and question is this.We were having problems in our marriage and just fell ...
A. 27 July 2007: You're a very strong person to have come through such an ugly disappointment like this.
Well, are the kids better off without their father? Are you able to provide a loving and stable environment now that your corrosive in-laws are out of the p... (read in full...)
Its 7 years on and Im still thinking about her, do I tell her and risk the friendship ?
Q. I'm 24 years old and have been friends with this girl since high school. We both kind of mentioned to each other back in high school how we liked each other, but she had a boyfriend at the time so nothing ever came of it. Flash forward 7 years and ...
A. 27 July 2007: So you've been pining for this girl for seven years and built up a really good fantasy about how things will be IF she reciprocates. Try for the moment to set that fantasy aside.
You must (somehow) objectively assess the quality of the relation... (read in full...)
She believed I was having an affair and we split.. I am devastated! Any advice?
Q. We were together and in love for 5 years and had decided to get married. We arranged everything including the airline tickets for her family to fly in from Brazil. However in the last year of our relationship she gradually became more suspicious of ...
A. 27 July 2007: Your ex-fiancee is a big girl, and regardless of your efforts she will make her own decisions.
Do you want to be with someone that will assume that every move in your life is a pretext for cheating or engaging in deceit? Do you want your marriage... (read in full...)
What shall i do with my husbands online cheating?
Q. My question is 'what should I do with my husband'? He was caught in December meeting women online then calling them and then actually meeting in person two of them. He did not have sexual relations, but just the same it hurt. He promised...
A. 25 July 2007: You must decide if you can develop the in trust him that is the foundation of all good marriages. He has shown a propensity for deceit, which sets you and him very low on the trust scale.
Do you have any children?... (read in full...)
My boyfriend said 'hey baby' affectionately on the phone to a female co-worker and when I called him on it, said I was just jealous
Q. Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and we have a 7 month old son. Just yesterday he called a female that he worked with to sort out a scheduling conflict. I was thumbing through a magazine when he says, "Hey Baby!" I looked up ...
A. 25 July 2007: You'd better get some solid proof that he's cheating before you run to a lawyer.
At best he's not being very considerate. At worst he is cheating. You need to get the facts to find out where he is on this scale. Good luck and take care.... (read in full...)
I've done very well but nothing seems good enough for my wife; she finds fault everywhere. I just want to be happy, what can I do?
Q. I have been together with the same woman since we were teens (30 years). Wonderful kids, it was a long struggle - but life turned out very well for us and I do help out around the house and look after the kids every change I get. However, we are r...
A. 25 July 2007: You're taking a prudent tack. But don't blow up the marriage unless you think your kids will be better off.
Kids don't need you to be around all the time but they need you to be 100% there when you are around. I don't know if this makes sense to... (read in full...)
She's meeting me for lunch - does she actually like me or just think I'm a nice guy?
Q. Does she like me? Some people may have seen previous posts about me and a relationship break-up that has been really tough. I'm hoping for a bright new future and being a little out of practice on the dating side wondered if I could have a few ti...
A. 24 July 2007: Whoops - fast fingers fumble me. I meant to say "... hidden corners that you CAN'T possibly see coming..."... (read in full...)
She's meeting me for lunch - does she actually like me or just think I'm a nice guy?
Q. Does she like me? Some people may have seen previous posts about me and a relationship break-up that has been really tough. I'm hoping for a bright new future and being a little out of practice on the dating side wondered if I could have a few ti...
A. 24 July 2007: This is nice - a good-news story!
Yah, I say go with the flow. There's only as much at stake as what you've created in your mind. You're only 35 at most - there's so much more living to do yet, so enjoy these moments for what they are and don'... (read in full...)
I'm the 'other man'; should I pull away and see if she leaves him for me?
Q. I am in a love triangle where im the other man. I know none of her friends or family and she has been in a relationship for about few years that has run most its course. Been seeing her 6 months on/off. I know she is not happy as she made choices to ...
A. 24 July 2007: Give her time to see if she can get her self straightened out and conduct herself in a trustworthy manner. In the meantime you can use the time to do decide if you want to engage in relationships in which you are getting sloppy seconds.
If sh... (read in full...)
I've done very well but nothing seems good enough for my wife; she finds fault everywhere. I just want to be happy, what can I do?
Q. I have been together with the same woman since we were teens (30 years). Wonderful kids, it was a long struggle - but life turned out very well for us and I do help out around the house and look after the kids every change I get. However, we are r...
A. 24 July 2007: I commend you for giving us such a detailed report on your issue. You've clearly had a great deal of time to analyze the situation. Your post, though long, was very easy to follow.
While you have spent all of your adult life taking care of other... (read in full...)
I don't love my wife anymore but I don't want to put my little girl through a divorce
Q. I have been married for 10 years and have come to the realization that me and my wife have grown so much in different directions and that i don't love her anymore. i knew some of the things i didn't like at the beginning but had the faith that we ...
A. 23 July 2007: You're welcome! I'm only reflecting what your inner voice is telling you. Keep listening to it, and if you are having trouble, observe your daughter. Kids are born with the ability to listen to that inner voice. The lucky ones grow up never ... (read in full...)
I don't love my wife anymore but I don't want to put my little girl through a divorce
Q. I have been married for 10 years and have come to the realization that me and my wife have grown so much in different directions and that i don't love her anymore. i knew some of the things i didn't like at the beginning but had the faith that we ...
A. 23 July 2007: For the sake of your little girl, ensure that the choices you make continue to provide a loving and stable environment for her. She didn't bring any of this upon herself, so try to minimize her suffering. If you and your wife can find some way to ... (read in full...)
My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?
Q. Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...
A. 23 July 2007: What I meant to say was, "... I don't have a great deal of sympathy for those who are perpetrating the deceit."... (read in full...)
I love him but he has problems.
Q. We are both near 50yrs and have both had multiple relationships and want to settle down. We've been together 4yrs, lived together 3yrs. My grandchildren love him, I love him....but I can't stand to be around him for more than a couple of days at a...
A. 23 July 2007: I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I learned through bitter experience that we cannot build relationships around the hope that we can fix someone. This hope creates an unhealthy dynamic of co-dependence. Ironically, it's eroding your sel... (read in full...)
My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?
Q. Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...
A. 23 July 2007: And obsessing about a man that has chosen his family over you helps your daughter... how?
When children are potential victims in deceit I don't have a great deal of sympathy. But I hope you do have a support system that you can lean on during y... (read in full...)
My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?
Q. Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...
A. 23 July 2007: From your very own words: "Hi Kiera, I don't want another child. I have a 6 year old daughter..."... (read in full...)
My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?
Q. Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...
A. 23 July 2007: I'd be less concerned about this married man's unhappiness and more concerned about your unending desire to settle for sloppy seconds.
Why do you enable his deceit? How will you answer your daughter when she asks about this relation... (read in full...)
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