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... Send *ild Thaing a private message | | | *ild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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Husband texts other women
Q. Hi, I need some opinions on how you feel about your husband texting/talking on the phone with other women. We have been married for about a year and I trusted him that he is a good husband and will never cheat on me, but now im not so sure. He...
A. 22 October 2010: "As a matter of fact, everytime i bring up leaving him, he breaks down into tears, asks for forgiveness, begs for me to stay and promises it wont happen again... I guess only time can tell whats in our future."
That's the reaction of someone ... (read in full...)
Husband texts other women
Q. Hi, I need some opinions on how you feel about your husband texting/talking on the phone with other women. We have been married for about a year and I trusted him that he is a good husband and will never cheat on me, but now im not so sure. He...
A. 21 October 2010: It's the lying that is troublesome for any marriage. Why does he feel the need to deceive you about his texting?
I think the inner voice is always worth listening to but there seems to be something amiss here - respect for the marriage. Respect ... (read in full...)
I wonder if the pat on the knee was a subtle pass ... or not!
Q. Have just started to get a lift into work (for just over a week) from a colleague who has moved to the area nearby, we work in different offices in our company so have only really talked and gotten to know each other a little during the mornings, ...
A. 16 October 2010: You're reading too much into it. However, if you are attracted to this guy you could reciprocate the "physical touch" and see what happens.... (read in full...)
Complicated and hurtful family mess
Q. I feel really stupid writing about this, but I would like to get other people's takes on this situation. My 29 year old daughter is "re-marrying" her husband of 10 years. I haven't spoken to either of them in over a year because last year I was ...
A. 14 October 2010: Honey, I commend you for setting boundaries, a concept the rest of your relatives can't seem to respect. Who are they to presume that because of a wedding you ought to normalize relations with your daughter? If I were in your situation I'd be ... (read in full...)
We're both attracted to each other, but we're both married. What should we do?
Q. About 15 years ago, R and I both started work at the same company. He was married, me not. There was instant attraction on both our parts. We don't work in the same dept, so only saw each other occasionally. No real conversation, just hi, how are ...
A. 14 October 2010: I commend you for coming here and admitting your weakness but please do not for one minute try to persuade us that you are somehow the victim in this situation. You have conceded that you are attracted to this other guy and he must know this by ... (read in full...)
We're both attracted to each other, but we're both married. What should we do?
Q. About 15 years ago, R and I both started work at the same company. He was married, me not. There was instant attraction on both our parts. We don't work in the same dept, so only saw each other occasionally. No real conversation, just hi, how are ...
A. 13 October 2010: Curiosity killed the cat. Are you so desperate for attention that you'll take sloppy seconds from a married man? Is the damage to others worth the selfish gratification associated with this flirtation?
Those who do not have self-respect will per... (read in full...)
We're both attracted to each other, but we're both married. What should we do?
Q. About 15 years ago, R and I both started work at the same company. He was married, me not. There was instant attraction on both our parts. We don't work in the same dept, so only saw each other occasionally. No real conversation, just hi, how are ...
A. 12 October 2010: Honey, it sounds like you're enjoying a romantic fantasy. Never having reality ruin your fantasy (e.g. he leaves the toilet seat up, seeing him with his clothes off, watching him pick his zits) you are free to fill in the information gaps with ... (read in full...)
I found hidden in the closet sex video with wife and her boyfriends...
Q. Please help! So my wife told me I needed to do more around the house. Help her clean mostly. I had never really done it and I felt I should help...wish I never had. I started cleaning out our bedroom. Under the bed, behind dressers, etc......
A. 28 September 2010: You're still stinging from this "revelation" but it's unlikely that your doubts about this marriage began here. I suspect you have deeper issues with trust that pre-date this relationship and until you get past these issues you will continue a ... (read in full...)
I found hidden in the closet sex video with wife and her boyfriends...
Q. Please help! So my wife told me I needed to do more around the house. Help her clean mostly. I had never really done it and I felt I should help...wish I never had. I started cleaning out our bedroom. Under the bed, behind dressers, etc......
A. 24 September 2010: So you feel like a loser... and how is any of this feeling your wife's fault? Did she tell you that she misses the good old days of kinky sex? Did she say that the reason she's not into it today is that she thinks you wouldn't be able to handle ... (read in full...)
What is this man's intentions toward me?
Q. What does he want with me? Here is the situation. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 15 years and have three beautiful children. I have little experience with other men because of my long term relationship so I am having problems ...
A. 19 September 2010: What are YOU looking for?
It doesn't matter what he's looking for because in the end you will either respect the boundaries or not. Are you trying to set up a future excuse of "but he made me do it"?
By asking these questions you ought to ask... (read in full...)
How do I make myself look older? Its so demoralising!
Q. im 25 and i look about 18/19! Also i have hardly any facial hair and rarely shave! Its annoying because i get asked for id, which is embarrasing, and people dont treat me with the respect i deserve just because of the way i look. Its so depressing ...
A. 17 September 2010: You could hit a tanning salon and bake repeatedly until the wrinkled skin gives you the desired "older" look.
Really, if you are as mature as you claim to be you wouldn't be here whingeing about your boyish looks. Make it an issue and people w... (read in full...)
We had an affair, left our marriages, but now she is considering going back to her husband!
Q. A bit of a long story but the background is important. I was a happily married man (so I thought) until I met somebody else last year. She was also happily married (her words). Anyway, we had an affair and tried to end it by walking away but we ...
A. 13 September 2010: What is there to be confused about?
1. This woman is a cheater who wants it both ways. Over and again agony aunts have told you this.
2. You choose to see only what you want to see, so what I said in #1 is lost on you.
3. The longer you let y... (read in full...)
I can't lead this double life and need to chose between separated husband and man I am seeing
Q. This is very hard for me , but i need someone else opinion. I have been separated for about fourteen months. During this time, I met a guy who seem to be real nice and treats me real well ( may i add we work together. Anyway, My husband swear he has ...
A. 2 September 2010: You have a child. Whatever you do, make sure it hurts your daughter the least.
Get it out of your head that you haven't hurt anyone to this point - the damage is all around you and the longer you live in your little "I don't want to hurt anyone" ... (read in full...)
Husband looks at younger women
Q. Hi there, I have a big problem. My husband and I have a great marriage, but this is now about 8 years that he keeps looking at younger beautiful women. If it's once, it doesn't bother me. However, what he does is he looks at one particular woman in...
A. 29 August 2010: "I want to tell him to watch his wife". How in the world will this passive-aggressive response on your part properly address the disrespect your husband shows to you?
I question whether or not you can stand up to your husband. It will take dir... (read in full...)
We had an affair, left our marriages, but now she is considering going back to her husband!
Q. A bit of a long story but the background is important. I was a happily married man (so I thought) until I met somebody else last year. She was also happily married (her words). Anyway, we had an affair and tried to end it by walking away but we ...
A. 27 August 2010: Choices come with consequences good and bad. While you have quickly come to terms with your choice your woman is still struggling. It's likely that guilt is a strong motivator in her life. Until she sees how guilt guides her she won't be ... (read in full...)
Husband looks at younger women
Q. Hi there, I have a big problem. My husband and I have a great marriage, but this is now about 8 years that he keeps looking at younger beautiful women. If it's once, it doesn't bother me. However, what he does is he looks at one particular woman in...
A. 26 August 2010: Honey, you have a potential respect issue in your marriage. I can't say much more without more information. What he is doing appears to be disrespectful but we are only getting your side of the story.
If you've told him how his behaviou... (read in full...)
Anyone can answer this one..
Q. My queation is.. and anyone can answer this question, male or female.. i am an extremely attractive woman. i have 4 children with my husband and by looking at me you wouldnt think i even have any..i am very down to earth... i can talk to him abou...
A. 20 August 2010: Why did you take him back? What were you hoping for?
Don't get roped into comforting yourself with generalizations. I have no doubt you believe yourself to be a "good damn woman" but what can you learn when you self-select as a member of all "... (read in full...)
Married and need to feel the connection again
Q. I need some guidance, I've always considered myself a self sorter/independant/get on with it kind of girl but my current sitation has left me flumaxed! Im late 30s and been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years..married for 5 years...2 ...
A. 18 August 2010: "one thing i dont want is my man my kids father falling for the attention of a lonely other women"
Temptation cuts both ways... "losing" your feelings for your husband sets you up for an extramarital affair too, so worry less about what your hus... (read in full...)
Married and need to feel the connection again
Q. I need some guidance, I've always considered myself a self sorter/independant/get on with it kind of girl but my current sitation has left me flumaxed! Im late 30s and been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years..married for 5 years...2 ...
A. 9 August 2010: Honey, this is one test of many that a marriage faces. I call this the "let's see what happens if one or both stop working at the marriage" test.
The hot sex and lusting and love addiction creates the initial bond. Respect and work keep it stron... (read in full...)
I'm always the first one to make contact!
Q. "OP Own Title" Been with my bf for 6 months, its been going good but at a fairly slow pace which is good as I came out of a 4 year relationship before this. One thing I have noticed is that he is a very laid back chilled person and likes to enjoy ...
A. 6 August 2010: The best relationships are the ones in which two people reciprocate. It's a mark of respect for the relationship. Is it respectful for one person to do all the work in staying in touch?
I did this for 20 years with a former friend - we'd kno... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 29 July 2010: What is there to lie about for you?
If you don't want him in your life, tell him so, then get back to work. Refuse every one of his advances even if he says it's "harmless" and "innocent". Even coffee should be off limits with this cheating... (read in full...)
Whenever I'm Not There, This Girl is All Over Him Like a Rash!!
Q. I just want to begin by saying I trust my boyfriend totally. We have been together 9 months and he has never given me a reason to doubt him. I am not generally a jealous person when it comes to boyfriends. There's a girl who is in the same circ...
A. 27 July 2010: The more you let this woman get under your skin the more power you give her. While you cannot control circumstances you can certainly control your response to circumstances.
You and your guy sound like a couple who could go the distance. If this... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 25 July 2010: Think of the pain of cutting him off in the same way as getting a tumor removed from your body. The surgery makes you hurt more in the short term but after that part is over you're left with no infection and a healthy body.
When you felt relief a... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 24 July 2010: Here comes the next shitload of lies...... (read in full...)
Theoretical question: Which of the 2 scenarios is worse?
Q. This is more of a theoretical question! Which of the following is worse: 1. Being in a relationship with a man who makes you happy and you know you would have a happy life together BUT always wondering about what could have been with someone els...
A. 23 July 2010: To ask this kind of a question belies dissatisfaction in some aspect of your relationship. If you seek guidance from the participants in this forum it is unlikely that you are ready to accept this guidance because you are dithering like Hamlet.
... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 21 July 2010: If you are willing to share, describe the first feeling you had when you ended it. That is all the preparation you need when he comes crawling back with a different shitload of lies that will (not surprisingly) smell the same as the first ... (read in full...)
Husband hooking up on facebook with a woman he once cheated with!
Q. My husband found a female that he cheated on his ex-wife with on Facebook. They started chating a calling each other and their conversations were of a sexual nature. When I confronted him he called me a unhappy, complaining snoop. He says he loves ...
A. 20 July 2010: Your husband is validating the claim "once a cheater, always a cheater". Sounds like history has repeated itself. What are you going to do about his cheating ways? ... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 16 July 2010: I say confront the "wife". I'm sure she'll clear all of this up, then take out the garbage that is this guy.
Lie after lie after lie - it's not that complicated.... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 15 July 2010: Are you aware that every minute you spend with this cheater causes more damage and hurt to his son?
I suspect that your inner voice is struggling to be heard through the lies you tell yourself. If you cannot end this unhealthy relation... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 15 July 2010: "i thought that why is he doing this to his wife? i don't think she deserves this at all.."
That sounds like your inner voice talking. He introduces you to other people as his fiancée yet he is still legally married. If this makes sense to you, ... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 14 July 2010: "one more thing, he tells people we meet that i'm his fiancee.."
Well, is he telling the truth?
If he is not, then tell us the first thought that came to mind when you heard him say this. Don't filter, don't analyze, just tell us the first tho... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 14 July 2010: Oh, there is a third option if he can't choose either of the ones you gave him. You end it for good because by not choosing he is showing how little he respects you, his wife, and women in general.... (read in full...)
In love with a married man and not sure what to believe!
Q. Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out! At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending al...
A. 14 July 2010: I'm with maverick494 - he disrespects his wife and marriage in your presence. What do you think is going to happen when you become stale and uninteresting to him next year?
You are in control here; give him a choice. Either he waits until he... (read in full...)
I know that he loves me, but he doesn't spend time with my girls
Q. I am a 35 year old single mom with 2 girls. I have been dating a man that is 11 years younger than me for about 2 years now. I know that he loves me, but he doesn't spend time with my girls or come to any of my family gatherings. I get along great ...
A. 14 July 2010: Anyone who chooses a relationship with you at this stage of your life must know that they're getting a package deal. You haven't hidden your girls from him based on what you've told us.
I think your boy has had two years to man up and it hasn't h... (read in full...)
Should the good guy dump his wife of 20 years for the old girlfriend?
Q. My wife and I just passed our 20th anniversary, we have two girls 10 and 14. My wife has various emotional issues and our home life can often be chaotic. I have always done much of the home work (cooking, keeping an eye on girls' schoolwork, ...
A. 8 July 2010: "you need to take a good, long look at yourself and see if you're being the type of man you want your daughter's to marry."
This is what I'm talking about when using the word "respect". I wouldn't want any daughter of mine anywhere near a guy wh... (read in full...)
Should the good guy dump his wife of 20 years for the old girlfriend?
Q. My wife and I just passed our 20th anniversary, we have two girls 10 and 14. My wife has various emotional issues and our home life can often be chaotic. I have always done much of the home work (cooking, keeping an eye on girls' schoolwork, ...
A. 7 July 2010: Show your kids that you are a man worthy of respect. If you can figure that out, then everyone will be better for it.
If you continue on this path what do you think your kids will learn about failing relationships?
Cheating does not engende... (read in full...)
If you were kissed by a man in the 'just friends' category... you would...?
Q. Girls, how would you react if your best male friend kissed you? As in we are both 26 and she does know I like her but on this day we were just driving and I suddenly pulled the car over, and she said "what are you doing", I said "this" and leaned ...
A. 24 June 2010: Dude, don't speculate. You'll just convince yourself that she's into you even if she isn't. It's called confirmation bias - you will interpret anything she does as confirmation of your theory.
If the two of you really are as close as you clai... (read in full...)
How can I change her mind? My wife has unexpectedly said she wants a divorce!
Q. My wife and I have been married for four years. I thought these were happy times for her, because we had just recently purchased a house together. I am attending school again, and working. We both are making good money and everything is was good. ...
A. 21 June 2010: "The first rule of no contact is no contact. The second rule of no contact is no contact.
All you get from her is a hard time. Why would you seek it out?"
It's called addictive behaviour, and I've experienced it. It's a horrible place to be,... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 21 June 2010: One more thing... I suggest that you respect your daughter's relationship with her father, as unpalatable as that may sound to you right now.... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 21 June 2010: I'm sorry to hear about the divide between you and your daughter, but if she's old enough to take her dad out for a meal then she's old enough to take responsibility for her own choices. If you decide to leave this marriage some relationships will ... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 21 June 2010: "I can see my husband is trying to diminish me in the eyes of our daughter, and consequently, she and I are not that close anymore, which is just unnatural."
The cold dead hand of your mother-in-law touches you from the grave. Your husband ... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 20 June 2010: "He has finally admitted that he feels bad I was treated this way by his family for 30 some years, that he ignored it so he wouldn't have to do anything about it."
Yes, he can say words, but by his actions does he speak. A person in denial w... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 17 June 2010: One more question: If a true friend wanted you to help her leave an abusive relationship would you say "no, that's too much of an imposition"?... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 17 June 2010: Children have more insight than we adults give them credit for. Your job is to show them that normal relationships are very different from the dysfunctional ones they have experienced with their father and among his relatives. Show them what it ... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I killed his mother by standing up for myself!
Q. I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly. I have sp...
A. 17 June 2010: Honey, you've held up pretty well after all this abuse over 30(!) years. It sounds like your man is either unwilling or unable to set healthy boundaries with his relatives - even dead ones. It's never too late to set your own boundaries, and for ... (read in full...)
How can I change her mind? My wife has unexpectedly said she wants a divorce!
Q. My wife and I have been married for four years. I thought these were happy times for her, because we had just recently purchased a house together. I am attending school again, and working. We both are making good money and everything is was good. ...
A. 17 June 2010: "I was just curious if anyone thought like I did and had a suggestion that could maybe open her mind to the idea again"
Such suggestions are folly, which is not to say that there is no hope of salvaging your relationship. But getting back tog... (read in full...)
How can I change her mind? My wife has unexpectedly said she wants a divorce!
Q. My wife and I have been married for four years. I thought these were happy times for her, because we had just recently purchased a house together. I am attending school again, and working. We both are making good money and everything is was good. ...
A. 16 June 2010: Sir, while these are early days, I have to agree with wife of Q - your partner was gone in spirit well before she let you know. Based on your posts, I would say that your estranged wife has some issues to sort out that have little to do with you. ... (read in full...)
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