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... Send *ild Thaing a private message | | | *ild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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My partners ex wife calls in to cook dinner for her boys every night, but they are 21 and 24!!
Q. I have been seeing my partner for almost two years now. He has been divorced for nearly five and he lives with his two sons. The ex wife lives down the street with the chap she left my partner for and calls at my partners house five nights a week to ...
A. 2 August 2006: Honey, you chose a very complicated situation when you moved in with your man. This is a consequence of your choice, and now you have subsequent choices to make.
There is no one right answer for what you should do because it depends on who you ... (read in full...)
When we're apart, I get worried that my boyfriend will leave me for someone new...
Q. Hi, thanks for being willing to help me with this! What's going on is, I like his guy and he likes me, and we both live apart. Even though that kind of sucks because sometimes I fear he'll lose feelings for me from being away. I have trust in him, ...
A. 2 August 2006: "So, what do I do? How to I make myself not worry about him leaving me?"
First, don't abdicate the responsibility you have for the choices YOU are making. Using tarot cards is a proxy for blaming others for your choices. You have chosen to cling... (read in full...)
How can I make understand my husband that it's over?
Q. I just quite can´t reach him by talking to him. After 10 years of marriage I want to move on, to be alone! I feel trapped and stuck with him. I have been thinking about leave him years ago, but maybe in my soul I don´t want to break his heart. He ...
A. 2 August 2006: Honey, your instinct is telling you something, and it isn't "buying a house and/or travel".
In most cases, when you don't listen to your inner voice, everybody that you care about suffers - especially you.
In a successful marriage, both p... (read in full...)
He controls my life and treats me like something he scraped off his shoe, but I always come back!
Q. Dear Cupid, I'm 18 years old and have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for two years. At the beginning of the relationship things were great but then about 10 months ago we split up as I decided to end the relationship as he started becoming ...
A. 1 August 2006: Do nothing and stay in your relationship, unless you actually value your self-esteem.
You are one of those frustrating cases that torment the well-meaning agony aunts - myself included.
Aside from desperately wanted attention, what are you hop... (read in full...)
His wandering eyes beat up my self-esteem but he denies doing it
Q. My partner has a sneaky way of ogling women. I have tried lots of approaches to get him to a) admit it and b) stop it. When he is ogling I smile knowingly looking closely at him or obviously stare where he is staring, even though I'm cringing inside ...
A. 31 July 2006: Katy, you probably have the most incisive assessment of your own situation. It has nothing to do with the testosterone. As you have tried to get across to us, it is all about the dishonesty and disrespect. Like you I don't see any justification ... (read in full...)
Having problems with my married man!
Q. Falling for a married man - how not to? So...... He is married I know (wedding ring), but he never says 'we did xxxx' as in he and his wife did something. We've gotten close over the last 6 months (emails and coffee or lunch, but nothing more...
A. 31 July 2006: "But equally I don't want to lose the person who has also become a friend."
This is easy to resolve. Set the boundaries on your relationship with your married friend, and tell him exactly what those boundaries are. If it is appropriate, let him ... (read in full...)
Im in love with a married man, I know hes unhappy with his wife, but people are telling me to stay away!!
Q. I'm in love with a married man. I've had so many ppl tell me to stay away from him..that he will never leave his wife. But he is so unhappy with her. He only married her because he thought that was what was right for their child. They do NOT love ...
A. 31 July 2006: If you can't hear the counsel of trusted friends then what do you expect to hear on this forum?
I'll tell you what your cheating married man is like when he is truly happy. He has the comforts of a stable home life with his wife and at the same... (read in full...)
I tried to call off the wedding, but it caused an uproar so I still went through with it, but I now have doubts about my husband!
Q. Please help, I am so lost and I need some direction!! I have been married for a little over a year. I got married to a guy I met in college. We dated for about 4 years. Through the engagement I really started to feel like something wasn't right, I...
A. 29 July 2006: I don't know what you are looking for in this forum. If you're looking for someone to give you the magical, hurt-free way to slink out of your situation, you won't find it here or anywhere!
As Karen said, your instinct was telling you somethin... (read in full...)
Its been 13 years and still dont feel like im over him!!
Q. I'm still in love with my ex after 13 years, he was my first love. Not many days pass when I don't think of him, it's been this way for years. Problem is I'm now married with children and I feel like my feelings for my ex are getting stronger and ...
A. 28 July 2006: To finish the sentence: It is likely that your ex has changed and has grown very far apart from you.
... (read in full...)
Its been 13 years and still dont feel like im over him!!
Q. I'm still in love with my ex after 13 years, he was my first love. Not many days pass when I don't think of him, it's been this way for years. Problem is I'm now married with children and I feel like my feelings for my ex are getting stronger and ...
A. 28 July 2006: Martini brings up a really interesting point about how people change over time. It is likely that your ex has changed in a way that
Don't confess your feelings to your ex. He will probably be blindsided, and you will not get the closure ... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 28 July 2006: Hmmm... 9 days since the original post and nary a word from the poster. I daresay she has scurried away from this forum is search of people who will tell her what she wants to hear.
But look at what she started. Very interesting, I say :)
Po... (read in full...)
We broke up because of the age gap, I still madly love and crave him and cant bring myself to sleep with someone else, please help!
Q. Hello all,I have posted before concerning my boyfriend who broke up with me because of our 17 years age difference.I'm a 24 years old female and thr truth is that though I have tried so hard to let go and move on without him,it just seems so ...
A. 28 July 2006: Honey, you have idealized your relationship with this man to the point of blindness. It also sounds like all you can think about is the sex. This does not a lasting relationship make.
Your man's reasons for letting you go are pretty clear - ... (read in full...)
I'm great as my ex's friend, but she doesn't want me as her boyfriend again!
Q. I dated this girl I really care about. We broke up but we still talk on the phone. She says she can really open up with me she would rather call me than her new boyfriend. I know she still likes me but for some reason she won't get back togethe...
A. 28 July 2006: Whatever you do, don't rush things.
You have something with your ex that is very special - the potential for a lifelong relationship. I'll take that any day over a torrid romantic affair that burns out as quickly as it starts.
The two of yo... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 27 July 2006: Lol Willywombat, you make me sound like a priest :)
I don't mean to preach, although it sometimes comes out that way. In this case, I just don't know how to ask the questions that will help this poster get answers that she can truly live with. S... (read in full...)
Lads: what attracts you?
Q. A question for lads...what makes you fancy a girl. I want alot of different responses so get typing please x x x...
A. 27 July 2006: To be honest, looks are pretty high on my list. This gets me interested. Mind you, everyone has a different standard for beauty, so don't put a great deal of stock into this. Just make sure you project a sense that you take care of the body that ... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 27 July 2006: Willywombat, what I ask from people who cheat are arguments that are consistent with the moral standard of their unwitting partner. If the moral standards of both are the same, then having other sex partners should pose no issue and there is no ... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 27 July 2006: Oh puhleeeeze...
Poster, have you done any further thinking, or have you just gone away because you don't want to hear that others have a moral standard that is different from yours?
If all of you cheaters who have posted here feel no guilt, t... (read in full...)
Could someone help me interpret what this means ?
Q. I have known this guy at work for a while now and although we both work in different departments we bump into each other on a weekly basis and we have talked in the past. Everytime I bump into him by accident he stops in his tracks and stares ...
A. 27 July 2006: It seems that both of you have communication issues.
Don't ask us to interpret. We aren't witnessing the behaviours directly. I agree with Hot - Why not just invite him along the next time you go for a break? People do this all the time at ... (read in full...)
I like him, but the approval of my friends matters more
Q. Hi, please help me. recently iv got to get a know a school mate really well, i havent told anyone but ive started to grow strong feelings for him. im adicted to speaking to him and i can tell him anything because he listens to me. hes the nicest m...
A. 27 July 2006: It's possibly too early in the game to say this, but are you going to let your friends dictate who you wish to date?
You're young, so you will define yourself through your social circle. I did it when I was your age and it made me treat a girlfr... (read in full...)
I would like to get a prenup drawn up to protect the family business, he says he wont marry me if I do this, am I in the wrong ?
Q. Hi, I am planning to get married in April 2008, my Mum and dad have a really good family run business which I have worked really hard at for the past 6 years. I have mentioned a prenuptual agreement as I would hate it to be distroyed in the...
A. 27 July 2006: You should not back down from the prenuptial agreement. Here are my reasons:
First, people other than your fiance have a stake (and equity) in this business. They want to protect their investments of money and sweat. From a purely business... (read in full...)
Is there a difference between cheating with sex and cheating without it?
Q. I see on this forum that an affair is defined as a relationship in which the following two things occur: 1) The relationship exists unbeknownst to a partner; 2) There is sex involved. In addition I see this term "emotional affair", which impl...
A. 26 July 2006: Thanks Ariel and Dr. Pete. I didn't intend for this thread to become a discussion about my choices - sorry!
And thanks to all who have participated. I really appreciate your perspectives and hope that I can provide better counsel as a result.... (read in full...)
My husband had an emotional affair, so what is missing in our relationship?
Q. Dear Cupid, I have been married for nearly 14 years to my husband. We have had the normal ups and downs, but we have made it through stronger than ever. Several months ago my husband had an emotional affair. I was absolutely devastated. My heart...
A. 26 July 2006: Honey, I am very sorry that you lost your brother. I can now understand why you felt so threatened by your husband's behaviour. And I can also see that you are taking responsibility for your own choices in responding to your husband's behaviour, ... (read in full...)
Is there a difference between cheating with sex and cheating without it?
Q. I see on this forum that an affair is defined as a relationship in which the following two things occur: 1) The relationship exists unbeknownst to a partner; 2) There is sex involved. In addition I see this term "emotional affair", which impl...
A. 26 July 2006: "... men don't give out there emotions that easily."
I would agree with you on that count Ariel. Men are not socialized to be as demonstrative as women are. But there are exceptions - like me. I have always been more comfortable around women th... (read in full...)
My husband had an emotional affair, so what is missing in our relationship?
Q. Dear Cupid, I have been married for nearly 14 years to my husband. We have had the normal ups and downs, but we have made it through stronger than ever. Several months ago my husband had an emotional affair. I was absolutely devastated. My heart...
A. 26 July 2006: "My husband never said anything even leaning sexually, but clearly she had to get those feelings from somewhere."
True enough, but you are making a dangerous assumption that the "somewhere" is your husband, and that he wanted and encourag... (read in full...)
My husband had an emotional affair, so what is missing in our relationship?
Q. Dear Cupid, I have been married for nearly 14 years to my husband. We have had the normal ups and downs, but we have made it through stronger than ever. Several months ago my husband had an emotional affair. I was absolutely devastated. My heart...
A. 25 July 2006: Yes, please, tell us what you mean. Specifically, provide more details about your husband's indiscretion. Then we can provide better counsel.
... (read in full...)
Now that her fling is over she comes crawling back to me
Q. My ex girlfirend/fiancee of 8 years left me 5 months ago for another man. She lied about the other guy and I only found the truth out recently. I am almost over her, it has been very hard. She has now broken up with the man she left me for, he is ...
A. 25 July 2006: Hey there, I think you are in a crappy situation, but at least you are not back together with this awful woman.
As much as you miss her, have you considered that your self-esteem and dignity has much greater value that the sloppy seconds that she... (read in full...)
Never thought I'd look at another guy but this married guy makes me feel sexy and alive! What should I do?
Q. I am a 32 year old women. I have been with my husband for 14 years, 7 years non married 7 years married. My problem is that I have recently met another guy who is also married. Nothing has happened between us yet except for a snog but it is quite ...
A. 25 July 2006: Honey, it's too bad you find married life boring right now. But you chose to accept this man's proposal, and sometimes a marriage involves hard work - it's not all sex and passion!
Let's be clear about one thing: You are cheating right now and ... (read in full...)
Is there a difference between cheating with sex and cheating without it?
Q. I see on this forum that an affair is defined as a relationship in which the following two things occur: 1) The relationship exists unbeknownst to a partner; 2) There is sex involved. In addition I see this term "emotional affair", which impl...
A. 25 July 2006: Ariel and Wendyg, thank you for your perspectives! So based on your comments, are you saying that once two people start confiding in each other, an affair has started?
So, my wife has male friends that I don't care to get to know. If she tell... (read in full...)
Is there a difference between cheating with sex and cheating without it?
Q. I see on this forum that an affair is defined as a relationship in which the following two things occur: 1) The relationship exists unbeknownst to a partner; 2) There is sex involved. In addition I see this term "emotional affair", which impl...
A. 25 July 2006: Thanks for your reply Martini.
I can't quite put my finger on why, but I find that the term "emotional cheating" or "emotional affair" puts me off. It may only be a perception on my part, but I think that people who use this term are trying t... (read in full...)
Is there a difference between cheating with sex and cheating without it?
Q. I see on this forum that an affair is defined as a relationship in which the following two things occur: 1) The relationship exists unbeknownst to a partner; 2) There is sex involved. In addition I see this term "emotional affair", which impl...
A. 25 July 2006: Hmmm One, good point. Instead of "define" I should have used "I observe". I ask because it is on this forum that I first encountered the term "emotional affair", and it seemed to me to be a curious term. While I think the "emotional" part... (read in full...)
She doesn't even know I exist-how do I forget about her?
Q. hi, i do not know if this will get posted, but if it does heres my question or problem. i seem to like this person that does not even know that i exist, i have tried to forget about her but i cant and i do not know what to do, as i have asked her...
A. 24 July 2006: Well you put all your eggs into one basket, you assumed that the basket would hold, but instead it fell apart and broke the eggs.
Time to start collecting new baskets and new eggs! I'll let you figure out the metaphor but if you need help let... (read in full...)
After 3 years she just ended it.. Im in bits... im really in a mess please help.
Q. Hi...im feeling very very messed up at the moment, im 19 and i have been with my partner (who is the same age) for nearlly 3years, yesterday (22nd July 2006) i got a phone call which i have been expecting because she hasn't been herself anymore, and ...
A. 24 July 2006: It's time for you to move on and build a life without this girl.
It sounds like she was totally honest with you. For that I give her a ton of credit. Now you have choices.
First choice: Accept her decision and begin the healing process.... (read in full...)
She doesn't even know I exist-how do I forget about her?
Q. hi, i do not know if this will get posted, but if it does heres my question or problem. i seem to like this person that does not even know that i exist, i have tried to forget about her but i cant and i do not know what to do, as i have asked her...
A. 24 July 2006: The corollary of the first poster's response is that you desire that which you cannot have.
If this is true, then you should be working on building your self-esteem. If you can evaluate your self-worth by properly excluding what others think of... (read in full...)
After 3 years she just ended it.. Im in bits... im really in a mess please help.
Q. Hi...im feeling very very messed up at the moment, im 19 and i have been with my partner (who is the same age) for nearlly 3years, yesterday (22nd July 2006) i got a phone call which i have been expecting because she hasn't been herself anymore, and ...
A. 24 July 2006: Whatever you do Andy, don't further isolate yourself from your support system. If this means heading back to your therapist then so be it.
When you were with Bec you probably didn't realize the extent to which you became isolated from that sup... (read in full...)
I date psycho women, and this one is turning out to be like just the rest - am I addicted to the abuse?
Q. I am having a problem that really is hurting me and I have absolutely no idea what to do. For over a decade, I dated bad women. Liars, thiefs, cheats, no emotions, no ambition. Well, nearly 8 months ago I met a woman whom I absolutely loved. S...
A. 23 July 2006: You sure do put up with a lot of drama from this woman. I will call it like it is - Her conduct is appalling and disrespectful.
Have you considered that your choices allow her to continue to treat you so poorly, and worse yet, deny you the oppo... (read in full...)
I hang out with the wrong crowd - could this be why I don't get dates?
Q. well . i'm young .. and i guess not that bad looking . but the thing is , when i hang out with all my friends and guys , all the guys pay more attention to my friends because my friends are so outgoing ; but not in a way i would like to be . they ...
A. 22 July 2006: Honey, if you want to get noticed, start hanging out with people who accept you just the way you are. You sound like a very likeable person who can attract equally likeable people who are worthy of your friendship.
As you may have already ... (read in full...)
I hang out with the wrong crowd - could this be why I don't get dates?
Q. well . i'm young .. and i guess not that bad looking . but the thing is , when i hang out with all my friends and guys , all the guys pay more attention to my friends because my friends are so outgoing ; but not in a way i would like to be . they ...
A. 22 July 2006: Honey, if you want to get noticed, start hanging out with people who accept you just the way you are. You sound like a very likeable person who can attract equally likeable people who are /Bworthy/b of your friendship.
As you may have already ... (read in full...)
We stopped having sex, then I found him with another woman, I dont care he cheated just want to feel wanted!
Q. Dear Cupid I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years. He is 30 and I am 27. In the beginning our relationship was great but then we hit a couple of ruff pathes financially and it took a lot out of us. He stopped having sex with me but I though...
A. 22 July 2006: Honey, your man may have a medical problem that may be physical and/or mental. Either way it is seriously affecting your mental health, and this makes your relationship a destructive one.
Sex is not an accurate barometer for the health of your ... (read in full...)
We stopped having sex, then I found him with another woman, I dont care he cheated just want to feel wanted!
Q. Dear Cupid I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years. He is 30 and I am 27. In the beginning our relationship was great but then we hit a couple of ruff pathes financially and it took a lot out of us. He stopped having sex with me but I though...
A. 22 July 2006: Honey, of course you are miserable. You've traded your self-esteem in for the feeling of "being wanted". Such emotional dependency cheapens the perception you have about yourself, and your ego is not having any more of it.
You need to get to a... (read in full...)
He finds the woman body beautiful, but I don't like feeling that I'm just another one....I want to be special!
Q. Hi. What do people think of this? My guy says that he thinks all women are beautiful - fat or thin. He says the womanly shape is beautiful, and he has paintings and statuettes of female nudes dotted around his apartment. He also says he thinks ...
A. 22 July 2006: I have to disagree with eyeswideopen - you need to give this guy an ultimatum. Some people are so dense that it takes a rap on the head to get their attention. In this case, the ultimatum is that rap on the head. But be careful - if you take my ... (read in full...)
Its hard to leave my 19 year old lover behind
Q. I am in love with a 19 yr old girl and she is in love with me (42). We both know that nothing can come from this relationship as she wants children, I cant have any (vasectomy), I am also married. We tried separating but were both unhappy and soon ...
A. 20 July 2006: I can see, based on your responses, that you are simply defending your behaviour. This means that you are not ready to listen to our counsel, personal attacks notwithstanding.
Furthermore, since it appears for the moment that you are not open to ... (read in full...)
Advice from those people having affairs please.
Q. hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision ...
A. 20 July 2006: Wow, it's great that you and your lover have no problems with this deceit. Moral relativism at its finest.
It's curious that you only want to hear from those who are having or who have had affairs. Are you afraid of hearing something you don'... (read in full...)
Its hard to leave my 19 year old lover behind
Q. I am in love with a 19 yr old girl and she is in love with me (42). We both know that nothing can come from this relationship as she wants children, I cant have any (vasectomy), I am also married. We tried separating but were both unhappy and soon ...
A. 19 July 2006: Yes, I am as confused as Dr. Psych - are you married but having an affair with the 19-year old, or are you married to the 19-year old?
It sounds to me like it's the former. You had better get out of the girl's life now, based on what your ins... (read in full...)
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