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... Send *ild Thaing a private message | | | *ild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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My friend went through the 'Mummy Test' and I might have overreacted
Q. Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate ...
A. 14 June 2006: I just had lunch today with my friend. She has come to see things the way Dr. Psych (and I) are seeing the situation and has concluded that he is not the one for her. Her reasons included doubts that he could create a support system from nothing, ... (read in full...)
Will my relationship with my girlfriend work out?
Q. On and off again, 5 times in 5 months. Is she going to change her mind again this time? To make this as short as possible, i'll leave out the insignificant details...I moved to where I'm at now, 2100 miles from home, last year and met a girl at the ...
A. 1 June 2006: I gotta agree with richie - the ultimate relationship is out there for you, but you have to get your shit together first. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, not only will you attract quality people, you will view the reactions these people ... (read in full...)
I need to know...What is love?
Q. What is the difference between love for a friend and a lover? If you're in love with someone but there's no lust then is it still the 'romantic' type of love?...
A. 1 June 2006: It's not easy to pigeon-hole "love". Each responder has given thoughtful answers, and if you consult philosophical works on the meaning of love, you're going to get an eyeful. I intend to answer your question, but I'm going to take the long way to ... (read in full...)
My friend went through the 'Mummy Test' and I might have overreacted
Q. Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate ...
A. 31 May 2006: Dr. Psych, yours is the response that best reflects my concerns. I know how stressful a Ph.D program is going to be for her. There is ample b.s. in dealing with the comprehensive exams (they do still this to candidates here), and the last thing a ... (read in full...)
My friend went through the 'Mummy Test' and I might have overreacted
Q. Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate ...
A. 31 May 2006: Thanks to all who have replied. After letting it sink in for a day I've come to the same conclusion as most of you - I overreacted in a very uncharacteristic way. I told my friend as much and apologized. Fortunately she knows me well enough to ... (read in full...)
Is it wrong to hang out with my ex-husbands family when they come to town? My fiancee was furious! Please advice
Q. Is it wrong to hang out with my ex-husbands family when they come to town. I have 3 children by this man and i took them to stay at a hotel with their grandparents and aunts and cousins. I havent seen these people in 7 years. So i sat with them a ...
A. 30 May 2006: Your fiance is clearly threatened - It's possible that his insecurity is a temporary condition, or maybe it isn't. We don't know his side of the story, so the best advice I can give you is to get him to talk about his insecurities. If he ... (read in full...)
Im shy and need some advice on some good conversation starters!
Q. I am COMPLETELY shy around guys. I never know what to say and the conversation always ends quite awkward... I also have a few self confidence issues but i don't want them to apply too much to this question. I've met this guy,... he's extremely good ...
A. 30 May 2006: The pressure to get beyond the small talk is enormous, especially when you are shy. I am *not* shy around strangers so you will have to bear that in mind as I provide the following counsel.
My basic strategy when I meet new people is to make the... (read in full...)
We want to move in together but his mother just won't let go!
Q. I have been with my partner for the past twelve months and I feel it is time that we move in together. He is 15 years older than I am and is still living at home with his parents where his mum is having a hard time letting go of her son and also ...
A. 29 May 2006: "... when I mention moving in together and having children (which are topics we have spoken about previously), he tells me it won't be too much longer..." He sounds just like a married man, but he's actually married to his parents!!!
Honey... (read in full...)
I want her back, how do i make her realize what we had was great?
Q. me and my Lady just recntly broke up... I WANT HER BACK SO BAD! She says we can be just friends and if anything happens in the future it happens. but i dont know if i should give her space to possibly make her realize how great we were together(do ...
A. 29 May 2006: There were reasons that your ex-girlfriend wanted to break up. Has she articulated them? If she has, really think about them as if you were her. In the debate within your mind you will come up with rebuttals to her reasons - suspend them. The ... (read in full...)
What does it mean "a lot in common".. ?
Q. When couples say that they have a lot in common, what does that mean? Is it things that appear common physically like hobbies and pastimes, or things they would like to have in their relationship like having a kid or moving abroad to live. Or is it ...
A. 28 May 2006: The phrase is very subjective when it comes to relationships. It can describe any number of things that two people share - opinions, interests, life experiences, and on and on. This list may be inexhaustible.
A more interesting question is, why ... (read in full...)
We just want to get away from Dad's anger issues, but he's trying to persude Mum it's wrong!
Q. Hi. My family is about to move away from my dad because of his anger issues and we all can't wait to finally get away! But my dad is trying to put things in her head saying "oh if you move it's going to be a bad idea because she will have boys over ...
A. 27 May 2006: Honey, you can't make your father do anything. If you believe that he is causing you, your siblings, and your mother harm, then you must leave for your own safety. If possible take the rest of the family with you. Especially your siblings. Go to ... (read in full...)
He has a whole box of memorials of his ex....should I say anything?
Q. I had recently asked a question concerning my boyfriend bringing a box over to my house (he lives with me) from his parents. When I looked in it I found a whole photo album of him and his ex. I was a bit bothered by that because when I asked him ...
A. 27 May 2006: You're quite welcome. We're here to help you see things through a different lens. We all need to hear different perspectives from time to time, especially when our inner voice is not being too helpful.... (read in full...)
Really want the girl to know how I feel before uni breaks up. Should I tell her?
Q. I have only a few days left until I leave uni for the summer, and I have had major feelings for someone throughout the year. We are good friends and she knows how I felt about her but considering this, we are still close and flirty. I don't kn...
A. 26 May 2006: Yes, you should tell her, but...
I'm sure you've considered the consequences of telling her and not telling her. If you've carried these deep feelings for some time, your mind could not have helped but obsess about confessing.
If you have t... (read in full...)
Agony Aunts: Are we too soft with our problems?
Q. Have things become too complicated? Do we try too hard to namby-pamby, silk-glove every type of problem instead of just saying "bite the bullet" and getting on with life ? Being honest is such a panacea (sp?) for all ills. I am serious - I worry ...
A. 26 May 2006: I'm pretty selective about the questions I choose to answer. When I choose to answer, it's done like my martinis - straight up. I hope to guide the requester to the answers that are true to their instincts. Usually I can see what they are trying ... (read in full...)
Twenty one years on, and my ex wants to get back in touch...
Q. I need help. I'm happily married for 21 years and out of the blue I get an e-mail from my first love. He lives in Australia now and is also married buts wants to keep in contact. This has put a huge strain on me, cause he has woken up feelings that ...
A. 25 May 2006: In your mind the relationship with your ex is unresolved. If this is your first contact with him in 26 years, then your feelings are based on what you remember, not what is happening in the here and now... unless you think something is missing in ... (read in full...)
He has a whole box of memorials of his ex....should I say anything?
Q. I had recently asked a question concerning my boyfriend bringing a box over to my house (he lives with me) from his parents. When I looked in it I found a whole photo album of him and his ex. I was a bit bothered by that because when I asked him ...
A. 25 May 2006: I have a box with memorabilia of a past relationship. I am sure that my wife has gone through it, but has never said a thing to me about it. She respects my right to keep that box because she trusts me completely. In sixteen years we have never ... (read in full...)
We're both so stressed we snap at the slightest comment!
Q. Me and my girlfriend are going through a bit of a rough patch. She's really stressed at the moment. She's doing her exams. I'm a bit stressed cause I'm changing jobs, resulting in arguments. I try to be as supportive as I can, cause she needs it...
A. 23 May 2006: Stress does not affect all of us in the same way, nor are our coping mechanisms all the same. Unfortunately both of you are going through stressful events simultaneously. It sounds like you are a thoughtful and empathetic partner. You and your ... (read in full...)
she no longer trusts me,what can i do to regain her trust?
Q. Dear Cupid, My girlfriend no longer trusts me because i kept deep personal secrets about my family from her and when i eventually told her she reacted in a way that she was mad, upset and dissappointed all in one. What should i do to get her to ...
A. 23 May 2006: It doesn't sound like a trust issue - it sounds more like she feels entitled to know everything about you. You should ask her why she feels so entitled. She is also acting like she is insecure. How long have you two been together? Has she been ... (read in full...)
For the males... Being a dad, a privelage or problem??
Q. hello i just wanted a mans opinion, if a man decides to have nothing to do with you if they get you pregnant do they ever think about there child at all or do they have no feelings towards it at all...
A. 23 May 2006: We're not all the same, so it is dangerous to generalize. For example, I believe in taking responsibility for the choices I make. If I create another life, then I feel responsibile for that child regardless of my feelings towards the mother. But ... (read in full...)
For the males... Being a dad, a privelage or problem??
Q. hello i just wanted a mans opinion, if a man decides to have nothing to do with you if they get you pregnant do they ever think about there child at all or do they have no feelings towards it at all...
A. 22 May 2006: I am not sure where you are going with this question; it sounds like you are fishing for answers to validate your beliefs on this issue. What intrigues me about your post is that it is hiding something.
Why do you want to know the answer to this ... (read in full...)
Phobia is ruining my confidence.. Any advice??
Q. Let's just say i have somewhat of a phobia around people. I can talk to them, but i never know what to say and the conversation always ends weirdly... I'm trying to get this guys attention, but most guys wouldn't take a second look at me... how can ...
A. 22 May 2006: Becoming "more confident and outgoing" is a process that happens gradually for most people. It starts when you become comfortable in your own skin. You are not there yet because you think that "most guys wouldn't take a second look at me."
When ... (read in full...)
is it ok to flirt with other guys?
Q. I have a bf you see but sometimes i catch myself flirting with guys alot. is it ok to flirt? I mean i know i would be ticked off if he did the same but still its so hard sometimes!...
A. 22 May 2006: "I mean i know i would be ticked off if he did the same." Have you heard of the golden rule? If yes, then you know the answer to your question. If it bothers you, then why wouldn't your flirting bother him? So if you flirt with other guys then ... (read in full...)
I'd have bet my life my wife would never, ever cheat on me. But she has...
Q. I met my Wife when I was 21 and she was 17, we were both virgins and this was our first serious relationship for both of us. We have now been together for 17 years and happily married for the last 11 years, we also have an 8 year old boy and a 3 ...
A. 22 May 2006: You and your wife have a serious problem, and one of the obvious root causes is a lack of communication. Your wife is still hiding the real reason for having the affair. When she responds "I don't know why I cheated on you - it was stupid of me" ... (read in full...)
Fallen in love with someone online, but he won't come and meet me! It's been a year already...
Q. Hi, I'm 26 female, and I really need help... I met someone online, and I know online chat is only for entertainment and not for a serious one, but this one I am serious. I met someone for the past 1 year and 7 months and I'm sure I love this guy, ...
A. 21 May 2006: I want you to know that you are very lucky to have someone (your son) to make you smile. But it is clear (at least to me) that you need more than that, and I will tell you that your need will NOT be fulfilled by your son, by your friends, by your ... (read in full...)
Getting over a relationship
Q. I have broken up with my girl friend after 10 years of relationship. I cannot move on, I always think of her, and I am not motivated to meet new girls. I am not enjoying anything that I do, and I frequently cry. I blame myself for everything that ...
A. 21 May 2006: You are experiencing the first stages of loss. You feel alone, and although you might tell yourself that others must have gone through the same thing, for you it is so personal and unique that you don't feel that anyone can relate. I am here to ... (read in full...)
Fallen in love with someone online, but he won't come and meet me! It's been a year already...
Q. Hi, I'm 26 female, and I really need help... I met someone online, and I know online chat is only for entertainment and not for a serious one, but this one I am serious. I met someone for the past 1 year and 7 months and I'm sure I love this guy, ...
A. 20 May 2006: He's married and using you to fill a gap in his marriage. And I agree with Irish49 - you are in love with a fantasy, which is appropriate given that you are searching for a relationship on a medium that is based on inanimate electrons. If you wa... (read in full...)
We've been in love but no longer feel special or happy.. is it too late?
Q. when i first met my boyfriend i was so in love with him that there wasnt a second went by i didnt think of him. but over the years it seem to have gone .now i feel like we dont share anything part from the bills he never makes me feel special ...
A. 20 May 2006: Honey, I've been married for 11 years, and there have been times when I've taken my wife for granted and vice versa. Fortunately we are both pretty clear communicators and the one being taken for granted will say, "You (or we) don't do such and ... (read in full...)
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