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*ild Thaing agony aunt

*ild Thaing

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*ild Thaing's profile:

I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.

If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.

I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.

Happy surfing.

< Prev1234567891011Next > [15 pages, 545 answers]

My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?

Q.   Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...

A.   23 July 2007: What I meant to say was, "... I don't have a great deal of sympathy for those who are perpetrating the deceit."... (read in full...)

My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?

Q.   Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...

A.   23 July 2007: And obsessing about a man that has chosen his family over you helps your daughter... how? When children are potential victims in deceit I don't have a great deal of sympathy. But I hope you do have a support system that you can lean on during y... (read in full...)

My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?

Q.   Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...

A.   23 July 2007: From your very own words: "Hi Kiera, I don't want another child. I have a 6 year old daughter..."... (read in full...)

My married lover and I are soulmates but he won't leave his wife because of the kids! What can I do?

Q.   Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he ...

A.   23 July 2007: I'd be less concerned about this married man's unhappiness and more concerned about your unending desire to settle for sloppy seconds. Why do you enable his deceit? How will you answer your daughter when she asks about this relation... (read in full...)

He's been texting and e-mailing another woman and flirting with her; he says he wanted to have some fun with her. Is this cheating?

Q.   I find it hard to trust people because of the way I was treated as a child, but I grew to trust my partner of four years. Recently, he started talking a lot about a girl he works with, telling everyone how pretty she is and how much fun they hav...

A.   22 July 2007: I can see from your follow-up that you did not re-read your post through the lens of respect. If you did, you would have told us that you kicked that guy's cheating ass out of your life. There is a world of endless possibilities waiting for you,... (read in full...)

I'm a Christian and believe in waiting to have sex; I've already had it, however but now I want to wait to have it again until we're married. My boyfriend isn't happy

Q.   I am a Christian and believe in waiting until marriage before having sex. The problem is I have already had sex with my fiance, and previous boyfriends. I still want to wait, but my fiance argues that if I stopped doing it now after doing it for ...

A.   22 July 2007: Religion aside, you have changed your behaviour and your fiance is understandably confused. It would be nice if both of you could discuss it without emotion, but you have denied him one of the most intimate emotional acts we humans can engage in. ... (read in full...)

I found condoms in his travel bag and although he assures me he wouldn't cheat, I can't stop thinking about it

Q.   my boyfriend of 4 months has gone on a business trip for 5 days and i bought him a going away present and card to read on the plane, but when i opened the front zip on his suitcase to put them in i found a handful of condoms scattered in the bottom ...

A.   22 July 2007: Why don't you believe him? That is really the question. What has happened in your past to act in such an untrusting and paranoid way? If you have already concluded he has intentions of cheating then anything you observe will only serve to va... (read in full...)

He's been texting and e-mailing another woman and flirting with her; he says he wanted to have some fun with her. Is this cheating?

Q.   I find it hard to trust people because of the way I was treated as a child, but I grew to trust my partner of four years. Recently, he started talking a lot about a girl he works with, telling everyone how pretty she is and how much fun they hav...

A.   22 July 2007: The question you should be asking is, "Do you think I will stay with this cheater despite his utter lack of respect for me?" I want you to re-read your post through the lens of respect. Is this how you would go about treating your partner?... (read in full...)

I want to take a break since he takes me for granted

Q.   My boyfriend of 4 years has been acting so strange lately. He has been very mean, constantly telling me that he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone and that he will call me later. He never calls. It is the same way with seeing him too. He ...

A.   22 July 2007: What is there to get? If you really want the relationship to be finished, then it is up to YOU to end it. I totally agree with TaylorChu. Furthermore, I would add that you and your boyfriend have this disturbing dynamic of co-depen... (read in full...)

My married lover of 18 years doesn't want me anymore but I can't let go

Q.   Hi I have been seeing a married man for 18 years. I love him and he said he loves me. Then one day he said he does not want the affair anymore. I am in shock and broken hearted. I can't seem to let go. Please help me. ...

A.   22 July 2007: Your profile says you are 51-59, so I ask: What did you expect? Your man had the best of both worlds, and it's possible that someone in his family found out about you recently. Having been ratted out as a cheater, the person who found out gave ... (read in full...)

Suffer with nerves when it comes to girls.

Q.   Hi, I'm a 17 year old boy and have never had much confidence when it comes to girls. I seem to suffer with nerves. How can i get confidence and get rid of the nerves? Also how will i know if a girl likes me?...

A.   22 July 2007: Girls are people too, not aliens from another planet. As jmpirie said, don't dwell so much on the outcome. As I had posted on another question, start out as if you are already acquainted and ask "How has your day been?" Those girls who are nice... (read in full...)

How do I ask for her phone number without looking stupid?

Q.   I’ve been very cool with this girl that works at my job for about almost a year now I met her through a close friend of hers. Nothing sexually we just laugh and talk when I see her working at her shop in the airport. About a week ago my friend came ...

A.   22 July 2007: As someone who is not shy, I cannot relate to the dread you must be feeling about asking for her number. So please bear this in mind as you read this response. First, when I accost someone I want to get to know, I act as if we are already ... (read in full...)

My wife stay's out sometimes not coming home at all.

Q.   I'm married and I need advice. Recently my wife has been coming home late or not coming at all what so ever, so I confronted her and she said she's going to do whatever she wants. I thought we'd resolved this matter but she did it to me again. WHAT ...

A.   22 July 2007: I am sorry to hear that you are in such distress. You sound bewildered about your wife's behaviour. What has been happening in each of your lives in the months leading up to your wife's shenanigans? We are only hearing your side of the story, a... (read in full...)

I'm married, but i'm attracted to one of my college instructors.

Q.   Hi, I am a 34 year old college student, I am married with 2 children. I have become seriously attracted to one of my instructors (who is a female). I have never had any feelings for another woman before in my life, but I find myself daydreami...

A.   22 July 2007: Maybe you feel a connection with your instructor. It's probably safe for you to find out from her if she feels that connection. You don't really tell us how much time you and your instructor have spent outside of the classroom. These details ... (read in full...)

Do I leave my wife for this other woman?

Q.   Hi all, I'm in a very difficult position which will probably lead to lots of judgements about me, but, here goes: I've been married (very happily married) for 6 years to an amazing woman. About 6 months ago I met a someone and we hit it off ...

A.   21 July 2007: You won't get validation from any self-respecting Agony Aunt. You tell us you think your wife is amazing, meanwhile you are cheating on her. Sir, it is your cognitive dissonance that is amazing. As your mind is already made up, go ahead and dest... (read in full...)

We need to separate but feel stuck in a rut! Any advice?

Q.   I have been married for 4yrs, our relationship is volatile up and down although we have a very healthy sex life. Before he met me, my husband had very few girlfriends, worked 7 days a week, he was 40 when we married. Things have got steadily ...

A.   21 July 2007: Go with the counsel of your inner voice. It's pretty clear to me what it is telling you. He's hit you - Dealbreaker! He's abused his stepdaughter's boyfriend - Dealbreaker! How do you possibly think this kind of abuse is okay? Rationalizing... (read in full...)

I catch her looking at me and it sends shivers down my spine her gaze is so intense... do you think she fancies me?

Q.   Has this ever happened to you: I recently met at work this girl who is sooo like me, personality wise, sense of humour that I GET, and we clicked like that from the first day, and had such a laugh together and at the moment we're at the stage of ...

A.   20 July 2007: She thanked you TWICE? Girl, in her mind it was a date. It's a great feeling to connect with someone like you have with your co-worker. At some time in the future (can't say when), you might want to gauge her expectations of this relation... (read in full...)

Guys always ask me out when I just want to be friends and then it ruins the friendship

Q.   Hey guys, I need some advice. The thing is that every time I want to be mates with a guy they always end up asking me out and I hate this. When they ask me out I say no or whatever and then our friendship seems to always end there and I can't be the ...

A.   18 July 2007: The glib answer to your dilemma is: Start hanging out with gay males. There is little chance you'll be hit upon in this circle. Seriously though, why is male companionship so important to you? Is there something a guy pal can provide that a g... (read in full...)

I have been having an online affair and I need to end it!

Q.   I am deeply involved in an online affair with a much younger man - Im 35 - he is 21. He thinks I am his age and unattached. He says he wants to marry me. I am married with 4 children and I want to end the online affair. It has been going on for 2 ...

A.   17 July 2007: You really don't want to end it, and I'm sorry to tell you that I don't know why. But I think you do. This online relationship appears to be a form of escape for you. You probably have at least a vague notion about what it is that you are ... (read in full...)

I wake up in the morning feeling miserable

Q.   Please help me everyone. I'm so upset. Since mine and my girlfriends break up almost 3 weeks ago, I find that I'm waking up in the morning miserable, and I don't know how to help it. This is starting to seem like depression, but I don't wan...

A.   16 July 2007: I went through a devastating breakup at about your age, and those mornings felt as bad as you described. But I made a mistake that prolonged the grieving process - I isolated myself and started to turn away from my support system. Big mistake! ... (read in full...)

He's leaving because my daughter and her baby need to move in with us for a while.

Q.   I live with my boyfriend of 2 and half years. My daughter has recently had trouble and needs my help, she wants to come and stay with me and my other three kids and my boyfriend said no way, it's bad enough having three in the house never mind ...

A.   16 July 2007: It is not for any of us to tell you if your decision is correct. But if you can live with and take responsibility for the consequences of your choices, then you will never make the wrong decision. I hope it all works out for you. Good luck and... (read in full...)

Why do I keep thinking about this man when I have been with my husband for 25 years???

Q.   Hello, please can someone help me. I'm a forty year old mother of three lovely children aged 3,5 and 10. I've been married for almost 15 years and met my husband at university and we've been together for 20 years. Prior to meeting my husband I had ...

A.   12 July 2007: It's pretty hard for real life to compare to the perfect lover / perfect relationship you have had in your mind for twenty-five years. I don't have any counsel that could ease your pain because you have cultivated this fantasy for so long. I... (read in full...)

We don't choose to be attracted to people. It just happens. When it does, should we just dismiss these feelings under the aegis of "respect"?

Q.   I recently posted regarding my problem, that is, I have very strong feelings for a married female co-worker. I got the expected responses (i.e. stay away from her!!!) but my feelings persist. I simply cannot stop thinking about her. I won't bore ...

A.   6 July 2007: Wow flowergirl I am sorry to hear about your story! When your ex-husband comes crawling back to you I hope you have a sufficiently healthy sense of self-esteem to crush him like the worm he is. To the poster of the question: If you want to k... (read in full...)

I've broken up with my married lover...any help?

Q.   I know this sounds like the old cliche, I'm going with a married man, and it is but ... how do I deal with this. I'm single\divorced. Ive been seeing a married man for 17 months. I live in London and he lives in Manchester however he lives...

A.   5 July 2007: [To the Anon responder, we all use this place as a soapbox and you are no exception. So please cool it with the catty remarks about the agony aunts.] You dear have a grieving process to endure before you can start the healing process. And duri... (read in full...)

We don't choose to be attracted to people. It just happens. When it does, should we just dismiss these feelings under the aegis of "respect"?

Q.   I recently posted regarding my problem, that is, I have very strong feelings for a married female co-worker. I got the expected responses (i.e. stay away from her!!!) but my feelings persist. I simply cannot stop thinking about her. I won't bore ...

A.   5 July 2007: The feedback loop in which you find yourself is pretty rotten. You're still rationalizing your feelings towards this woman, which in turn consumes you further emotionally. Nothing that you have stated in your follow up(s) indicates that you have... (read in full...)

Is he just being a good friend or does he fancy me?

Q.   How do i know if a guy likes me? we talk every night and he always gives me advice. but lately when we've talked about a guy that i am interested in he pointed out that i cant change this guy and that im too good for this guy too. Does this mean ...

A.   4 July 2007: Take the advice at face value. Even if your guy friend does fancy you he is telling you something of value - don't chase a guy while thinking you can mold him into the image of your liking. When he tells you that you are too good for this guy... (read in full...)

Do I dump my 2nd family for my 1st wife?

Q.   I am married for 13 years with 3 kids, a great family life and friends, I am very successful. Sounds great, huh? I have one issue... I am not in love with my wife, I am done "trying" to love her (yes, we did seek therapy and yes things are better ...

A.   2 July 2007: You were probably that kid in school who would get 97% on a test and spend the whole day fretting over the 3% you didn't get. In other words, you are a perfectionist. I am as well, so I understand you to a certain extent. So, let tally up the s... (read in full...)

Do I dump my 2nd family for my 1st wife?

Q.   I am married for 13 years with 3 kids, a great family life and friends, I am very successful. Sounds great, huh? I have one issue... I am not in love with my wife, I am done "trying" to love her (yes, we did seek therapy and yes things are better ...

A.   2 July 2007: So, what caused your first marriage to fail? Have you properly processed this failure and learned from it? It would be helpful if you could provide more background about your first marriage.... (read in full...)

He's changed his appearance and now I'm concerned as to why.

Q.   My b/f is absolutely hunky but in the 2 years I've been with him he takes no interest in his appearance. He still looks great but he doesn't fuss with his looks or his hair, which is long and curly so it looks sexy when it's touseled like he just ...

A.   1 July 2007: As the saying goes, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If your man is paying more attention to his appearance then keep showering him with compliments. I'm sure he wants his ego stroked, and who better than to stroke it but you? Don't... (read in full...)

For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring?

Q.   For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring? I was having lunch with a buddy of mine when this topic came up. Occasionally, when I am among women, I catch them ogling my wedding ring. If they end up maki...

A.   1 July 2007: Thanks to those who answered the follow-up question! Flower girl, I like the idea of just handing her the ring so she can have a closer look. I'll likely do that if the opportunity arises. Mandy7, I am hoping that she and I trust each other... (read in full...)

His female friend is getting too close

Q.   my bf has a close female friend hes nown lot longer than he has nown me, and i dont trust her cos i no she has a crush on him. she always wants to hang out with him nomatterwhat me and him mite be doing, and theres always a wierdnes in the air ...

A.   1 July 2007: You are the only one who is bothered by this, not your boyfriend or his friend. If you want to mark your territory then no one is stopping you. You have only your inner voice to guide you through this, but I cannot see you getting any satisfac... (read in full...)

For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring?

Q.   For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring? I was having lunch with a buddy of mine when this topic came up. Occasionally, when I am among women, I catch them ogling my wedding ring. If they end up maki...

A.   30 June 2007: Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. There was a more subtle reason I asked this question. A close gal pal who has known me for years checks out my ring (frequently) since I can remember but says nothing. I'm pretty close to bringing... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is 17 years older than I--I worry about how other people see us!

Q.   I'm dating a man 17 years older than me. I really like this guy but sometimes I wonder how people view us as a couple. I think it personally doesn't matter but I would like to know what other peoples' views on this are? ...

A.   30 June 2007: If you don't think it matters to you, then it's curious that you should seek out people's opinions, even if it's online. I daresay that you do care about what some will think about the age difference. While it is unwise to ignore reaction... (read in full...)

His female friend is getting too close

Q.   my bf has a close female friend hes nown lot longer than he has nown me, and i dont trust her cos i no she has a crush on him. she always wants to hang out with him nomatterwhat me and him mite be doing, and theres always a wierdnes in the air ...

A.   30 June 2007: Let me see if I have this straight. This girl that causes you so much worry and insecurity has a crush on your boyfriend... but he chose you over her. And you are worried why? If you let your insecurity drive the dynamic of the relationship... (read in full...)

something for all you soul searchers out there

Q.   We always want someone to blame, someone to be held accountable for things in our lives. We rarly take responsibility for our own actions. We turn to the gods, karma and evil out of our control to take responsibility for things we or others have ...

A.   30 June 2007: I haven't read the book, but am very interested in why you take such a dim view about people of faith... including yourself. You opened the door...... (read in full...)

For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring?

Q.   For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring? I was having lunch with a buddy of mine when this topic came up. Occasionally, when I am among women, I catch them ogling my wedding ring. If they end up maki...

A.   28 June 2007: Thanks for the compliment flowergirl! Some think "charm" is attractive, so those people must think I am full of it. Yes, I do have an unusual-looking ring and I admit that I am proud of the way it looks. So when someone makes a comment about my... (read in full...)

For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring?

Q.   For the gals: What are you thinking when you are checking out a guy's wedding ring? I was having lunch with a buddy of mine when this topic came up. Occasionally, when I am among women, I catch them ogling my wedding ring. If they end up maki...

A.   28 June 2007: Thanks for your response YummyMummy. I'll admit to an ego boost when that happens. But based on your response it's probably best to not to ask the ogler why she is doing what she is doing. I would like to look at these situations in a positive... (read in full...)

He's changed his appearance and now I'm concerned as to why.

Q.   My b/f is absolutely hunky but in the 2 years I've been with him he takes no interest in his appearance. He still looks great but he doesn't fuss with his looks or his hair, which is long and curly so it looks sexy when it's touseled like he just ...

A.   28 June 2007: Well, it's interesting that he didn't say "I did it for you baby". I can see how his responses would give you pause. But you have to have some proof to back up your suspicions before you accuse him of adulterous intent. All you can do for now ... (read in full...)

We both cheated, but she got pregnant--she was the worst, right?

Q.   My girlfriend has always screwed up things in the relationship and we seperated but still lived together. I cheated a few times and she knew because I stayed out all night. We got back together and started new then we broke up for a week. She ...

A.   28 June 2007: By trying to deflect us away from your indiscretions you only prove to us that you need to grow up and take responsibility for your own choices and actions and the consequences that flow from them. Look at yourself in the mirror - you're an angel... (read in full...)

Her husband is okay with her seeing other women...

Q.   Hi I am 25 years old and there this woman I like but she's married with three kids. Her husband okay with her seeing other women and I have asked her how long shes be in a relationship with a woman and she said to me a few months and that she's ...

A.   28 June 2007: So if you know it's wrong then what motivates you to continue to consider the possibility of a relationship with a woman who is taken? Tell us what you think about the advice of your inner voice.... (read in full...)

He's changed his appearance and now I'm concerned as to why.

Q.   My b/f is absolutely hunky but in the 2 years I've been with him he takes no interest in his appearance. He still looks great but he doesn't fuss with his looks or his hair, which is long and curly so it looks sexy when it's touseled like he just ...

A.   28 June 2007: So, when you complimented his appearance what did he say or do in response? Let us know! I'm not heading towards any conclusions, so neither should you. I'm looking forward to your response.... (read in full...)

He keeps testing how sincere I am

Q.   i knew my bf since college. We were friends back then although we lost contact for about two years. We met again through a reunion and started dating, for about a year now. I noticed he does not seem to trust me which i find very disturbi...

A.   28 June 2007: He is right in claiming that trust has to be earned, but I suggest you remind him that it works both ways. Keeping you off balance is a betrayal of your trust in his reactions. And this brings up another very important concept in a successf... (read in full...)

I am finding it difficult to balance holding back my feelings for her and to keep some perspective.

Q.   Out of the loop for a while. I am 36 and have been divorced for 2 years when as the cliche go- she walked into my life. She ticks all the boxes and many many more. The question is we have known each other for 5 weeks and I am finding it diffi...

A.   28 June 2007: What's the rush? Are you in a hurry to get somewhere? If all you want is that roll in the hay, then by all means release the hounds. But I suspect you want something deeper to develop with this special lady. In the grand scheme of a lifelong... (read in full...)

We have a connection but he also has other women

Q.   I was divorced 10 years ago, and have not had a relationship since then. I am not desparate, and am quite happy and content. But I have now met a lovely man who seems crazy about me. The feeling is mutual. The problem seems to be that he has seve...

A.   27 June 2007: It sounds like you are being consumed by your emotions. While it is easy for me to say "be patient", I also know how hard it is when all you can think about is that person. Is it possible that there is a disconnect between what you expect and what... (read in full...)

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