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He found the girl he dumped me for was too costly and wants me to take him back.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Faded love, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 October 2017) 13 Answers - (Newest, 9 October 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

So, this guy and I were dating for almost two years and he proposed to me in May. A few weeks later he tells me hes going on vacation with his old crush/ friend since high school there both 28. But they have been friends forever. So, he breaks off the engagement with me in July and on top of that someone passed away in my family in April. So, I was heart broken and I vowed to never speak to him again.

So, he goes on his vacation in August then he comes back home.His friend lives in another state. When he got back he kept calling and texting me I ignored him completely. So, now were in October he put a note on my car while I was at work. It was explaining why he broke up with me. I didn't care because its iralvent. A few days later he leaves a flower and candy on my car I was really irritated. The same night I got to the store hes by my car with flowers and more candy. And I am a nice person, I did a nervous smile and said thank you. I have no idea how he found me at the store, which is really absurd!!!!

I spoke with him and he did admit that he did leave me for his crush/ friend. He then said it was costly I shouldn't of left you for HER!!!. I am to young for these kind of things to occur with this guy. He then ask me to marry him and I tell him NOOO!!! that is not fair. You cant just walk into my life again. Id rather be left alone so that I can move on heal and meet someone new because I feel as if I deserve that.

View related questions: at work, broke up, crush, flowers, move on, text

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, you KNOW you deserve to be treated better than he treated you. He dumped you once; there is nothing to stop him doing it again.

Stop being so nice. Tell him - in nice short words he will understand - that you are not interested in him or his gifts and that, if he doesn't leave you alone, you will go to the police and report him for stalking you.

Do you have a male family member or work colleague who could spare some time to be with you for a while to give this idiot the message that you do not want to be with him?

Please stay safe. Don't agree to go anywhere with him. If your car was parked on a works car park, could you get someone to have a word with him for trespassing?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017):

Why do I get the feeling that you are actually thinking about taking this low life back? Maybe because your question doesn't really have a question, so it seems like you aren't confident in your decision to ex-communicate him.

I'm sorry but you are in denial. This man pursued another girl WEEKS after he asked you to marry him. If that doesn't prove how unstable and fickle he is, what will?

He lied, cheated, and basically treated the institution of marriage like it is a joke.

He loves "the chase"...he loves to pursue women but once he has them, it becomes boring.

As soon as you agreed to marry him he got bored and pursued an old friend.

Why you didn't break up the moment he told you he was going on vacation with a female friend is beyond me.

I think you yourself have some growing up to do in recognizing warning signs of a player, in recognizing good vs. bad types of men. You DON"T want to be in a situation like this ever again, especially when it is too late and you are already married. Give a nice guy a chance.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

Ask him to kindly stay away from you, your job, and your vehicle. Tell him for the final time that you have no intention of having him back in your life.

No smiles, thank yous, or second-thoughts. Your post has a hidden-message behind it. You're feeling weakened and impressed by his efforts to get you back. You're enjoying his pleading and the intense pursuit. You're attracted to his vulnerability; and you feel sorry for him.

DON'T!!!

He dumped you in the middle of a marriage-engagement. That's serious! It means he wasn't sure how he feels about you. You can't go into marriage with doubts. You can't put your trust in a man who cancelled a promise of a life-long commitment for a "crush!"

Girlfriend, get your head together!!! Cut all ties and contact with this guy. He's now showing symptoms of a stalker; and you had best end this right now. Threaten to get a restraining order if necessary.

Someone as young and inexperienced as you are; may not have the fortitude it takes to resist this kind of persistence from a man. If you don't trust yourself, seek backup from your mother, sisters, and girlfriends. Gather support from your circle of friends who will give you the added-strength to resist letting this guy get back into your head.

He broke your heart and destroyed your trust. He should only be allowed to do that once.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

mystiquek agony auntAs the other aunts have stated, you dodged a bullet. Thank heavens he showed his true colors before the two of you married. It must have hurt terribly what he did to you but you were wise enough to see him for what he really is and were determined to move on. STAY THAT WAY. Do not let him sweet talk you into taking him back. Make it clear that things are over. Block him on your phone, in emails and if he should try to contact you again report him to the police. He does sound like he's stalking. Be safe sweets please.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 October 2017):

CindyCares agony auntYou did a nervous smile and thanked him..

Great ( groan ). He stalks you ! , he spies on you, he follows you around, he puts pressure on you... you are annoyed and irritated by all this and yet... you smile and thank him. ( WTF ? ). Because you are a nice person.... That's not being nice, that's being weak- and ambiguous; he might legitimately think that you dig his attentions and are just being coy !

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Block him on phone, emails, and social media. Tell him just ONCE that his offerings are unwanted and that you want nothing to do with him anymore; and that if he keeps harassing you, you'll go to the police and press charges. Then DO it. Immediately. One warning, that's it. Of course it's not as if he is going to be sent to hard labour for that,- and probably nothing much will happen to him. But , at least he will know that you took action promptly, that you mean business, and that he cannot do the heck he wants whenever he wants.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (9 October 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntNot only is he an ass, he's a stalker and that's what's scary. Listen stop being polite and nice to him and explain to him once and for all when you are IN A PUBLIC PLACE (cannot stress this enough) that you have nothing more to do with him and should he attempt to communicate with you in any way again then you will deal with him in a way that you feel is right. Block his number and don't entertain him in any way. Too costly my foot! What an idiot!

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands + , writes (9 October 2017):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntYou know, he did you a huge favor, thank him for showing you what a horrible husband he would have been and clearing the path for you to find the amazing man you do deserve.

Be firm. Tell him that you no longer wish to have any contact with him and to STOP leaving you gifts. Tell a trusted family member/friend about what is going on and I can't stress this enough, walk to your car accompanied by a co-worker or even a security guard if your workplace has one when you leave.

If he does not respect your wishes, as the other aunts/uncles suggested, get the police involved and serve him a nice restraining order.

He made his bed, let him lie in it alone! You've got bigger and better fish to fry.

All the best!

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia + , writes (9 October 2017):

holeymoley agony auntWOW WEE WOW WOW! He really does think he is it and a bit doesn't he. What a cheeky bastard to think he should so much as consider grovelling back to you. AND what an absolute insult to think you would or should consider it. You're smart to tell him no and correct to to acknowledge that you DESERVE to be able to move on in peace. IMHO, he is not being cute with his sugary con job, he's being a KNOB and a creepy one at that. My advice would be to txt him a 'to the point' aka 'DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN-NOT BY TXT, NOT BY PHONE,NOT BY LETTER,NOT IN PERSON and NOT THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE OTHERWISE THE ONLY CONTACT YOU WILL HAVE IS WITH THE POLICE. Stay strong honey, your on your way to bigger and better things

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhile I understand that it hurt a lot when he decided a "vacation" with an "old" friend was more important than his promise to you and relationship with you, you REALLY dodged a bullet. What kind of CRAPTASTIC guy does this and then expects the ex-GF to take him back?!

My advice? TEXT him to LEAVE you alone. That you WANT nothing to do with him and if he doesn't LEAVE you alone you will seek out the Police and file for stalking or harassment. YOU have to put your foot down here in a HARD way. HE is stalking you. No doubt.

Anf if he continues to put meaningless crap on your car, just leave on the pavement before driving off. You are under no obligation to TAKe the "offerings" he is leaving you. Actually, I think you better not take them as he will see that as you "weakening". It's NOT romantic, it's really creepy. It's not cute, it's scary.

Keep a journal with the dates of EACH time and TELL someone close to you about it. Hopefully, by you telling him to leave you alone, he will but I do think you need to prepare yourself for having to involve the police.

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-an-Obsessed-Ex-Lover

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-equation/201611/3-tips-stay-safe-when-ex-becomes-stalker

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 October 2017):

N91 agony auntIn a nutshell, this new girl didn't want him, so now he's back to settle for you as second best.

Are you going to accept that? Tell him to back off and leave you alone.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (9 October 2017):

Dionee' agony auntThis guy is being really creepy and if I were you I wouldn't have accepted any of his gifts.

It's better that you found out how he really was before marrying him because imagine how much worse that would have been?

He is starting to full on stalk you because how else does he know exactly where you will be and at which time? That's ridiculous and I think that you should report him to the authorities where you live (although stalker cases are the hardest and longest to prove). You have to put your foot down with this guy so that he knows his place.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa + , writes (9 October 2017):

Honeygirl agony auntHon, You are going to have to take a hard line with this guy. Tell him to leave you alone, if he doesn't then file a complaint with your local police station - he is stalking you!

Secondly, he thinks that since he has dumped his affair partner that you will be waiting and willing to take him back - effectively making you PLAN B. Had the affair not fallen apart then I am sure he wouldn't be hassling you.

Block him on all social media and on you mobile as well.

(((hugs)))

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (9 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHow lucky are you for him to show his true colours BEFORE you married him, imagine if you married him and he decided to run off after a glittery thing again.

I think you are too nice ... you are under no obligation to talk to this person so if, as you say, you would prefer to be left alone then that is what should happen.

If you feel he wont listen to you, or will try and manipulate you into changing your mind maybe get somebody else to be with you when you deliver that message ... a big burly uncle always comes in handy in this situation, or dad or a big brother, or even Mum. Say your piece and then let them add a little post script of their own.

The fact he found you at the store suggest he is following you (stalking maybe), so a simple blocking his number and social media sites is not going to work.

If he doesn't back off seek legal advice, even if its as simple as a visit to your closest police station.

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