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I feel I can't even communicate anymore because of his crazy reactions!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 October 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok so myself and my husbsnd just had a huge fight. It happens every couple of months but ive just realised that i think he oveereacts. He shouts, spits, throws things and wont talk to me for days.

This time it started like this....

We havent had sex in about 4 weeks. Weve talked about it and he keeps saying he will make more effort. But it doesnt happen... it really hurts my feelings. However i have recently been passing remarks or making 'jokes' about our sex life. Which is snidey and passive aggressive so i really shouldnt have.

So last night he calmly told me that he didnt like me making jokes etc and i apologised. Then he started going on about how 'incredibly unnattractive" it made me to be like that. So i got hurt and tried to explain how i felt. And he said he didnt want to talk about it. I left it for about 30 mins but i got so upset and tried to explain how i felt. Thats when he gets super mad like explained above. Coz i wont drop it.

Then it turns into an argument where im the reason hes acting like that. He does it all the time but if i say "i dont want to talk about it " - he continues anyway.

I feel like i cant even communicate with him anymore because of his crazy reactions.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntOP - thanks for the follow-up!

First off, not surprising that he was a regular porn consumer. That's part and parcel to his preferring your BJ's to sex, because let's be honest - both porn and BJ's have something in common: A guy can lie back and be serviced. Rubbing one off in the shower, or watching porn, that's easy. Quick orgasm, minimal effort. Add to that if a guy gets TOO used to his hand or a woman's mouth, it's a lot more effort to have intercourse, and a LOT of effort to give a woman pleasure without simultaneously getting off himself, which is what you're doing by giving him the BJ. He's doing nothing to give you relief, and you're not GETTING off on the act yourself.

He has turned to a very bad habit. It's like the person who starts getting all of their meals by eating disgusting fast food. It's so much easier than preparing and cooking and doing dishes, but it's junk food and not good for you. Most importantly, it takes away your appetite, so say you come home from running through a drive through at your local McGreasepot, and you get home and your spouse has cooked a delicious lobster tail with fresh vegetables, it of COURSE is highly superior and much better and more satisfying, but you're FULL! You slaked your appetite on crap junk food!

I would theorize that your husband's stress level has gotten him into junk food sexuality with the porn or the rubbing easy ones off without having to consider anyone else, so his sexual appetite is slated, leaving you frustrated. It's possible that he's dealing with medical issues or depression, but if he's been into porn, I would say he's either lying to you about "having quit" or he's recalling the imagery from past sessions in his imagination for quick hand relief. And now, it's a vicious spiral because he knows that you're not just going to be satisfied with servicing him and watching him roll over.

ALSO, he feels like he's failing you, which has a devastating effect on sexuality. Coupled with snide remarks instead of "We need to fix this issue, so let's come up with a solution", your frustration is adding to the shame spiral! I'm NOT saying to shut up and be frustrated! On the contrary. Look at the sex thing not as HIM failing, but he AND you working together to solve it.

As for his burnout and job issues, no guy on his death bed ever said "I wish I had spent more time at my job". He has to stop blaming his struggles on his partner. He either must become the dominant personality, or things will get worse. Right now, the other guy is the dominant one, because he is setting the temperature in the partnership.

As for asking about your appearance, I didn't think that was the case, and 10lbs is nothing! In fact, I almost wondered if the weight gain was on him. If HE is grabbing crap food while working, that pulls a sex drive straight into the pit as well as drinking or smoking.

Maybe a week or a few days vacation where you go out of town might be a perfect tonic to reconnect and get him out of his tunnel vision!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

I meant to say:

"and we are often very engrossed and deeply dedicated in our professional-lives."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

As a man, I can tell you that our livelihood becomes a part of who we are. Being creatures more of logic and less of emotion; I know this might not make sense to some women. It will to the more driven and career-oriented types; because they know how your success and ambitions are tightly integrated into your personal-life. I am speaking for myself as well.

Yes, your husband's stress will seriously affect his moods, sex-drive, and his general temperament.

I was domestically-partnered to an ambitious attorney. I am a highly-driven and career-oriented person myself. I have a great deal of responsibility on my back. My current boyfriend owns a growing and successful-business; and we are often very engrossed and deeply decicated in our professional-lives.

It then becomes an effort to keep things balanced and/or seperated. Stress and exhaustion sometimes makes us a little touchy, we become withdrawn; and sometimes we live in our heads. We have an exercise at the end of the week to sit and tell each other what's going on; and what weights heaviest on our minds. Venting helps a lot! We got to the gym together, and we relax in total silence. If he opts to stay at his own place for me-time; I give him the space. He does the same for me. We avoid arguments when we're stressed-out.

You must try to be understanding and avoid sarcasm and snark regarding something as sensitive as your intimacy. That's literally hitting below the belt.

Women don't like it when men make insensitive-commentary regarding their bodies and appearance. Well, taking pot-shots at a man's masculinity is the equivalent.

It will do a lot more damage than you might think, and can sometimes be irreparable. Not understanding how a man thinks, women will scoff at this explanation; but finding yourself without your mate will make you think more seriously about it. Yep, it can be that serious!

Try to remain calm, although this is a crisis. The added details were very helpful. It takes patience and endurance; because it will last as long as the stress is on his mind.

He's not making any contribution to the household income; thereby not fulfilling his duty as a provider. This is a threat to his masculinity. He is locked into a contract with a psycho; and the looming prospect the business may fail is overwhelming and all-consuming. So, if you look at it from this perspective; you'll understand more from his point of view.

It is often trivialized when men show signs of emotional difficulty; but stress and conflict can take a lot out of us. We have to maintain a facade of strength in order to hold-on to respect. He has to put-on a face that he's got everything under control; so you'll feel secure. He knows your trust rests heavily on knowing you can trust his abilities and decisions. Making fun was a hint that you see his weakness. You didn't realize the impact at the time. Now you know!

I know women roll their eyes at a lot of the male-responses; and may even rebuke it altogether. I just hope I've brought a little more understanding from how a man thinks, and I hope it will help.

When you can't talk, you have to seek mediation; and someone to moderate as you try and open communication. He's shutting-down; and you have to avoid that at all costs.

Don't feel you've done anything wrong; you've just hit a sore-spot, and I think your intuitive-instincts lead you there. Just reading your two posts shows how perceptive you are; but I'm afraid you abused that power, by taking a shot as his manhood.

Anything you pickup regarding his changes in behavior, his temperament, or his self-esteem; do your best to address them. It directly affects your marriage, your love-life, and the general quality of life. You can't live with a crazy-man, and you need your husband. You need some professional-counseling; because he is shutting you out. He has no right to do that to you; because of his ego and fears. Men often refuse to admit when we're outdone or over our heads. A good woman stands beside her man, and she does what she can to supplement his strength and keep her relationship intact. This is where your strength is needed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017):

Hi YouWish

OP here... Thanks for your response. I definitely dont think he's cheating - we work from the same office half the week and the rest of the time he is with regular hour long appointment only clients - I know he is in work when not with me because I often help him out by bringing lunch to him (I work for myself too). I see where you're coming from with the sex - he has been watching porn but has stopped recently and I do think he's actually lost his sex drive as I have offered blow jobs (He LOVES my BJs) - and he has refused. I'm not a man but have heard that stress can reduce sex drive.

I have probably gained about 10lbs since we married, I put it down to stress and more recently - his lack of interest in me! But 10lbs isn't huge plus he likes a bit of meat. He does not demand that I lose weight or anything (no kids yet either)

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntWhat the hell does his BUSINESS have to do with whether or not he can take 10-15 minutes for a tumble in the sheets with his WIFE??? He needs to wake up and smell the burnout, and you need to be straight with him and leave the snide asides at home. You can free him by being DIRECT in saying that his life is out of balance, and no business partner should supercede his spouse as the primary influence in his life.

I don't believe him either. I've heard about guys talking this way about all the work they do and the stress only to find out that stress usually had a mistress's name to it. I also know plenty of guys who work 2 and 3 jobs, come home from working 80 hours per week, and devour a wife like a glass of water to a person dying in the desert. He's lying to you. I don't know if he's cheating, but he's slaking his sexuality on something else like porn or something like that.

Sex isn't an effort, and for him to speak about it in that way is worrisome. I get startup businesses, and I get the overwhelming stress of running one, but you should be his OASIS from that.

If this business partner is such an unholy terror, he should find a new job and get someone to buy him out of this venture, OR he should sue the partner if they're breaking a contract. Also, any lease is negotiable. I've done it many times, so him being trapped is tunnel vision.

You need to continue to be the squeaky wheel, but do it DIRECTLY. Tell him that the marriage is dying, and that he can choose to stay on the path he's in, OR get his life into better balance. And if he's cheating on you, it will come to the surface before too long, because that's usually the big thing that sucks out a sex drive when one spends a long time away from home. Especially if you're telling me that this is a new development and he's not usually one for a low sex drive.

One more thing -- have you changed physically since you married?? Do you have kids together?? Is he demanding that you look the same way you did when you married?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017):

OP here.

My husband is running a business where he works 60 hours plus a week and gets no wages or salary from it. He has a mentally unhinged business partner who doesnt contribute to any of the workload at all. He cannot break his lease for another 2.5years because we have both signed a personal guarantee on it. He is under an enormous amount of stress because of it so I havent been fair when I nag about our sex life. He didnt argue like this before the business, and I do my very best to support him but it's obviously affecting our relationship now. He cannot say anything to his business partner - because he is the type of man to burn down your house if you cross him. His business partner is a narcisist and my husband blames himself for getting into business with him, though I have told him this is a trait of narcisism - he was charmed into starting a business with him.

I just wanted to add some background story in case it affects your responses.

Thanks very much,

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (9 October 2017):

Honeygirl agony auntHon, get yourselves into some relationship counseling. There's definitely something odd going on with your husband.

(((hugs)))

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