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*oucannotbeserious

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My partner avoids me, but says there is nothing wrong.

Q.   Hi people I really need some advice I’ve been with my partner for 6 years we have a 4 year old daughter I have a son from a previous relationship we’ve been having problems this last year I caught him watching porn which normally would not of ...

A.   19 May 2019: Next time he says "everything's good" you need to say "well, it isn't good for ME". You are being very passive about all this. You ASK him to come back to bed. You ASK him if anything is bothering him. Is it because you are worried about losing h... (read in full...)

My boyfriend goes out drinking every weekend and our relationship is devoid of intimacy, emotional and physical contact

Q.   I am feeling sad because my boyfriend has just gone out to the pub and told me he isn't getting drunk, but he will be getting drunk tomorrow night. We've been together for 2 years. I am sad because this is becoming a pattern. He gets to the weekend ...

A.   19 May 2019: Sweetheart, what are you actually getting out of this relationship? You say it makes you feed sad, tired and rejected (all your words). You don't say one GOOD or POSITIVE thing about it. Reading between the lines, you are simply a housekee... (read in full...)

Why are men so cruel? Is that the way of the world?

Q.   I’ve asked for help in the past and am very grateful. Which is why i’m Asking again. As I need to process something clearly. I am 44 years old. Divorced twice ( arranged marriage in Asia and an alcoholic husband in the UK). I have worked all ...

A.   18 May 2019: It's all very well deciding you will only date men who have no children but you also need to discover, quite early in the relationship, whether they have no children out of CHOICE, and NEVER want any, or whether they are still HOPING to have some. ... (read in full...)

Why would my partner text to his ex "there is nothing here" regarding our relationship

Q.   Hi, me and my partner have been together 10 years his previous partner he was with for 15 years. I was looking at his messages and found a message where he stated to her that there is nothing here for him and I have questioned him on this but so far ...

A.   18 May 2019: I have a few questions of my own. What were you doing checking his phone messages? What is your relationship like? Have you got into a rut? I can't think of any reason why someone would say something like that about their relationship... (read in full...)

Passing ships in the night but I can't get him out of my head

Q.   Help. I don't think I'm gonna hear from this guy again. I really fell for this lad on my adult training course. He's a bit younger than myself, but we sat together and flirted a lot and even caught each other staring at each other from time to time, ...

A.   18 May 2019: Sweetheart, there is no such thing as "didn't get time to exchange details or arrange to see each other again". If there had really been something there (apart from a bit of flirting to help pass the time), one or both of you would have made a point ... (read in full...)

How do I get stronger? Ex cheated on me I ended things

Q.   So I found out my ex cheated on me this Monday. We had a lot of problems throughout our relationship, so many that I lose count. We had an argument last Thursday he was bottling up a lot inside it turned out he didn’t like I was friends with my ex, ...

A.   18 May 2019: I doubt hanging onto him as a friend and acting as his mentor is going to help YOU. You already understand what went on and that it was down to HIM, not you; why do you need to hang around and help him work it out? Why do you see him as your ... (read in full...)

We're both unhappy in our marriages and have a long history. Should we have sex?

Q.   When I was a teenager While visiting family i met a boy, through high school we crushed back and forth on each other secretly and living in different ends of the country made it impossible for anything to happen. As young adults be told me he liked ...

A.   18 May 2019: How about you ask your husband and kids that question, while he asks his wife and kids? Cheating is NEVER the answer. Either work on your marriages or end them. I bet you were both far less unhappy in your marriages before you reconnected and star... (read in full...)

How can I stay grounded, protect myself and keep even firmer boundaries with an absolutely ghastly ex?

Q.   Today I realized that I am experiencing Crazy-Making with my ex, whom I split up with over 9 years ago. There has been a repeated pattern of him provoking arguments and there is no room for effective communication to take place; he chooses to ta...

A.   18 May 2019: You have already worked out you should tell him NOTHING about your personal life. Make sure you keep it that way. If he asks about anything, you are allowed to ignore the question or change the subject back to your daughter. If he keeps coming u... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is very casual about his daughters' privacy and I find it very very odd

Q.   Ive been seeing a guy who's super awesome. We're both single parents of two girls each. They stay the night frequently. My girls are 9 and 13, his are 9 and 11. Despite having lived in an all girl house for the last 5 years or so, my daughters and ...

A.   18 May 2019: It's pointless asking others for their experiences as everyone's childhood is different. For instance, my brother and I were raised almost solely by my mum for the first few years as dad used to work long hours and we only saw him at week-ends or ... (read in full...)

What would you do with a partner like mine?

Q.   Hi I’ve been with my partner now for 5 years and I honestly don’t know how I have put up with it for so long he puts everyone before me if someone rings him to do summat such as painting or anything like that he’s there I ask him he does it months ...

A.   17 May 2019: "I feel like my partner is just taking the piss out of me" You feel that for good reason. He is acting like a single man, doing his own thing but expecting you to provide the home comforts. I am sure you have already worked out you would be bette... (read in full...)

Do we change our views in regards to relationships as we get older?

Q.   Silly question maybe but in terms of how you are as a person do we change all that much from the ages of twenty to forty when it comes to how we view relationships? My partner says he didn't know what love was, had nothing to compare it to, looks ...

A.   17 May 2019: I would love to know what your question is REALLY about. Are you jealous of your partner's history with the ex? Are you worried your partner STILL doesn't know what love is and will decide, at some point, he doesn't really love you either? Is this ... (read in full...)

I don't want my ex to go back with his former ex!

Q.   My ex and I split up 3 months ago. We have 2 children together that he still sees regular;y. I didnt want to split and I still love him but we argued too much and our relationship became so toxic it had to end. But now his ex-fiance, who h...

A.   16 May 2019: Just because you had a relationship with him does not mean you have any claim over him now you have split up. You two will always have a connection through the lovely children you created together; however, that does not mean you have any right to ... (read in full...)

I can't get over him, we had sex once but he has a girlfriend

Q.   A year ago I fell in love with someone who had a girlfriend. After months of building sexual tension, we had sex once, after which he told his girlfriend. She told him never to contact me again. For a few months he didn't, then he got back in touch. ...

A.   16 May 2019: Sweetheart, open your eyes. The man is a cheat. Pure and simple. He cheated on his girlfriend with you and, if you were to become a couple, he would cheat on YOU with someone else. Do you not wish for better for yourself? You have been strong s... (read in full...)

Why can’t he say that promise when I’m having an anxiety attack?

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. We we've been together since school. We live each other very much but last year my anxiety got worse which nearly resulted in us breaking up. When this happened I went through a period of ...

A.   15 May 2019: Sweetheart, he is your boyfriend. He is not your doctor, your therapist or your carer. Don't force him into a role he is not qualified to fill otherwise he will grow to resent you for it. So you suffer from anxiety. You need to get professi... (read in full...)

How do I deal with his mind games?

Q.   Hi guys, I've recently ended my 7 year marriage due to my husband being emotionally abusive towards me (constantly asking me where I've been, who I've been with, telling me how I should feel, gaslighting me, not letting me go to sleep until I've...

A.   15 May 2019: First of all, well done for breaking free. That can't have been easy but you were strong enough to do it. Keep reminding yourself how strong you have been and know you can continue being strong, despite how weary you must feel sometimes and how ... (read in full...)

Did I lose a friend? I'm feeling sad and hurt

Q.   I know this is long, but I hope someone takes the time, I really need some advise. I am a 48 year old single mom. I work a lot and don’t have much of a social life, but I do have a few good friends and I get out when I can. Since one of my children ...

A.   15 May 2019: Sweetheart, friendship is a TWO WAY street, or at least it SHOULD be. This relationship you have with this guy is totally one-sided - he calls all the shots. You appear to have a very strong maternal streak but that does not mean everyone... (read in full...)

I have feelings for the old flame who's come back into my life but I have a really great boyfriend now. What do I do?

Q.   I’ve been dating a guy for the last 6 months and things have been going reasonably well between us. He is a really great guy and he is really good to me. He is thoughtful, supportive and everyone I know thinks he is really great. I really like him ...

A.   14 May 2019: So basically you want to keep your boyfriend on a back burner in case things don't work out with the other guy? That's a tad unfair, don't you think? Does he not deserve better than being your "plan B"? Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely g... (read in full...)

Does my girlfriend deserve a second chance because she didn't 'go all the way'?

Q.   I can’t forgive my girlfriend for cheating on me even though she didn’t ‘go all the way’ with the other guy. I’ve told her what she did was unforgivable but my friends and family all think she deserves a second chance and that I’m being too harsh on ...

A.   13 May 2019: Your friends and family are not the ones who have to get over this and decide whether they can move past it; YOU are. Tell them that they have no right to make this decision for you, nor to pressure you into taking back your ex. YOU are the only one ... (read in full...)

Just found out he cheated the entire relationship. Should I give him chance?

Q.   I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 years now. Our families have meshed and we've gone on many trips together, have gone through many experiences and have even told each other I love you half a year into our relationship. He lives on...

A.   12 May 2019: So he said he loved you? Sweetheart, never listen to what someone says; rather, watch what they DO. ACTIONS speak volumes while words are cheap. He was TELLING you he loved you but his actions did not support his words. How do you know he was n... (read in full...)

He hasn’t told a soul about his relationship with me and it bothers me. It’s all about respect, or is it?

Q.   I’ve been seeing this guy for about 9 months off and on. We’ve hooked up a few times. I don’t want anything serious because I’m going through a divorce (been legally separated for 2 years). Anyway, I’d kind of describe our relationship as slightly ...

A.   12 May 2019: Firstly, have YOU told all YOUR friends and family about HIM and, if so, what have you told them exactly? There's this guy I hook up with occasionally to scratch an itch? Secondly, do you know for sure he doesn't have other "friends" he hooks up... (read in full...)

How do you deal with getting older and society treating you like you are invisible?

Q.   Just looking for a little advice on how to deal with getting older as anwoman and losing looks and it seems visibility in society . Some seem to say enjoy the invisibility but I find it heartbreaking when I’m basically ignored say in a store for a ...

A.   12 May 2019: How do we deal with this? By accepting it for what it is and not taking it personally. I think back to when I was in my late teens and 20s. I remember being admired simply because I was young, slim and tall. I was never particularly attracti... (read in full...)

I try to be understanding but am I being a fool here?

Q.   Last August I matched with a guy on Tinder. I’ve been legally separated and this was my first venture into online dating. My ex is a narcissist, so it’s taken me awhile to work on my self esteem and confidence enough to put myself back out there. ...

A.   12 May 2019: Firstly, well done for being brave enough to "put yourself out there" again. I can totally empathize with how frightening this can be. Re the vasectomy situation: I can see both sides of this. Perhaps he had opportunity to mention it but, giv... (read in full...)

Should I reconnect with an old lesbian teacher?

Q.   When I was at school, there was an out teacher. We got on well but I haven't spoken to her since I left, I was 16 then but I haven't seen her since. I felt that we had a good friendship at the time however it has been 5 years since I left. I don't ...

A.   12 May 2019: I think you need to be clear WHY you are looking to reconnect with this lady. What would your purpose be in reaching out to your ex teacher? Are you wanting a friend? Are you looking for a mentor? Are you looking for a closer relationship? Just ... (read in full...)

I ended the affair but the man I was involved with is blackmailing me into talking to him threatening me that he'll tell my husband

Q.   I’m a married woman but was going through a really bad patch with my husband and I started to get depression... while I was going through that I started chatting to a man online... we met and started an affair.... he knew I was married.... anyway he ...

A.   11 May 2019: While I would not normally think a spouse should necessarily be told of a betrayal, this situation is slightly different in that there could be a very real possibility of your husband finding out REGARDLESS of whether you tell him. As others have ... (read in full...)

He says he loves me but has a girlfriend. How do I get her out of the picture?

Q.   I’ve been dating a friend that I have known for over 30 years. Only thing is that he has a girlfriend. He has been with her since August 2016. My husband passed away in 2017 early and he has been there for me. We started seeing each other in Late ...

A.   11 May 2019: I am so sorry to hear about your bereavement and can understand WHY you were so easily deceived by this "friend" when you were at your most vulnerable. That said, you should have opened your eyes by now and realized you are not in a good situation. ... (read in full...)

Is he backing off to give me space to deal with father's illness or backing away completely?

Q.   I met a guy 6 weeks ago and it was a bit of a wonderful whirlwind, he was very keen and just pretty damn perfect from the get go but things are now starting to feel different. About a month before we met my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and things a...

A.   9 May 2019: My feeling on this is that he is using his own sad past experience to try to help you in the only way he knows how. He knows that, when we lose someone we love, guilt is part of the grieving process and that, if you divert time away from your dad to ... (read in full...)

I've been a mistress for a long time and am starting to get bored with it all.

Q.   Hi guys. I've been a mistress for a long time. I can't really talk to people about this. But I'd like to know if it's normal to grow tired of being in a "relationship" which never grows or evolves? I am feeling tired of being a sex toy. Tired of ...

A.   9 May 2019: You sound like a fairly grounded sensible person, so you must realize that his acceptance of you is TOTALLY conditional on you behaving yourself, putting out whenever and however he wants, and not making waves for him in the life which is important ... (read in full...)

I know I should just walk away .... but I love him.

Q.   Hi I wonder if anyone can help me.. So I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3years and also he's an overthinker and recently he was feeling a little depressed. I supported him and was going out of my way to be there all the time .. he was m...

A.   9 May 2019: Loving someone is fine, but you have to love YOURSELF first and foremost. This man CANNOT love YOU if he treats you the way he does. Don't allow him to guilt-trip you just because HE is feeling low. In your shoes I would send him one last mes... (read in full...)

Does she deserve to know what happened during the break up?

Q.   So my partner of five years broke up with me four months ago. She totally broke my heart but we stayed friends and I knew that she wasn't sure if the break up was the right decision but that she needed time to figure things out. She knew that I ...

A.   8 May 2019: Absolutely not. If you are on a break, then you are effectively single. ... (read in full...)

I'm afraid of dogs and now I'm in love with a person who has a dog

Q.   I'm 33 years old male and as silly as it might sound, I've been terrified of dogs my whole life. When I was 8 years old I was attacked by pack of dogs and I was bitten so severely I had to spend weeks in hospital. I still have scars and ever since ...

A.   8 May 2019: Why should this lady think any less of you because you are afraid of dogs? Now if you HATED dogs, then yes, I could see that being a deal-breaker if she is a dog lover. (I have always had dogs and could never be with someone who hated them.) Tell ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend just stood and watched while I was struggling rather than help me. Was this mean? Selfish?

Q.   I went shopping with my boyfriend and I was struggling to carry the bags so one of the bags fell on the floor and I was struggling to pick it up meanwhile my boyfriend just stood there and watched me struggle. I said thanks for helping me and he ...

A.   8 May 2019: Ivyblue hit the nail on the head. He is not a decent person if he can watch ANYBODY struggle and not feel drawn to help, ESPECIALLY if that person is someone known to him and someone he knows has physical issues. He's an arsehole. Why are you ... (read in full...)

Why would a married man who I barely know tell me that he's in love with me?

Q.   Around 5 years ago, I was selected to attend an academic programme in another country. Upon reaching there, I met a guy from my country who was also a participant and we hit it off. There was nothing even remotely romantic... He was married and I ...

A.   8 May 2019: Because his marriage is in a rut (for which he must be at least partly to blame) and because he only spent a short bit of quality time with you and built up a fantasy around that short time. Now, based on that time he shared with you, he thinks you ... (read in full...)

Why is he withdrawing after we have had sex?

Q.   Hello dear Agony Aunts My concern is this: I just met E who lives in another country. He came here for short holidays and we crossed paths at a beach party 9 days ago. We immediately got attracted to each other and we kissed on the beach when we go...

A.   7 May 2019: So someone you met 9 days ago is already accusing you of talking to other men? Sweetheart, get yourself OUT of there as quickly as possible. This is not going to get better. ... (read in full...)

Why does married man come on to me do I look like I date married men?

Q.   Dear Cupid I am single and been single for a very long time. Today at work I ran into a guy friend I use to work with at the one company and he always tells me how beautiful I am but he is a married man Im thinking to myself nope I will never stoop ...

A.   7 May 2019: Society conditions us to fit into boxes. We are expected to find a partner, settle down, get married, have kids, stay happily married. If we deviate from "the norm", some people feel a need/right to ask questions. I CHOSE not to get married ... (read in full...)

My friend lead me on, flirted a lot with me.. then ditched me for another girl forgetting that I existed. I feel hurt and embarrassed, help?

Q.   So I'm 25 and I've been friends with this guy for about a year, he's in my friendship group and he previously had a girlfriend, nothing ever happened between us and previously i always just saw him as a friend. Anyway he broke up with his girlfriend ...

A.   4 May 2019: Ask yourself, in the grander scheme of things, will this "incident" really matter? A few months (or even weeks) down the line, you will hardly remember it (although you will probably remember the way you felt, as that is harder to forget). You a... (read in full...)

He says his affair was my fault. I am emotionally exhausted!

Q.   My husband and I have been married for nearly 7 years. I got married young (21) and he was 25. I knew at the time that he was a bit insecure but I guess I was young and naïve. The insecurity is getting worse and worse. A couple of years ago, I h...

A.   3 May 2019: It is strange but true that cheaters very often make accusations against others about cheating. Whether this stems from a guilty conscience, a belief in "what goes round comes round" or a belief that everyone is the same deep down and has no honour, ... (read in full...)

Do they really have these outrageous bills in Nigeria?

Q.   I have wrote here before. I had some good advice. It was about my Nigerian husband. I mentioned his mood swings , and I’m unable to ask any questions without his temper flaring up. Ai also mentioned his spending ways and his expections that ...

A.   2 May 2019: It is your role as his wife to support him and keep sending him money for whatever he wants. You should not even be questioning him about it so that you don't add to the poor man's stress. You should be concentrating on working as hard as you can ... (read in full...)

I'd really like a hobby. Should I take a comedy course?

Q.   i often put myself down but i can give at least a list of ten things i like about myself and for any of the other cupid users i hope this doesnt come across as big headed but i do think i am naturally a funny , witty creative person . in the pa...

A.   1 May 2019: £90 for a 3 week course sounds remarkably cheap. I assume you mean it will be a couple of hours a week for 3 weeks? Or do you mean £900? If it really is £90, then I think that is remarkably cheap to find out if you would like/be good at somethin... (read in full...)

Was I too slow in making the right move?

Q.   Hello everyone, I met a girl like two month back and from then we started chatting and talking. I really like her even from the first time I saw her, I decided to take things further slowly(from being friend to relationship). But one thing I noticed ...

A.   30 April 2019: Lesson for the future: once you've decided on something, go for it. Nobody can see (or even anticipate) your "intention". It is all about action. Now you need to sit back and wait to see if this new boyfriend of hers works out. If she stays wi... (read in full...)

I have trouble when living with someone on how to go about getting them to pay part of the bills

Q.   Hello. I am a thirty year old parent of 2 who has had a few short term relationships over the last ten years, but for the most part have lived by myself. It seems that once things start to progress into living together, that i really struggle ...

A.   28 April 2019: I agree that this needs to be discussed properly BEFORE someone moves in with you. Perhaps one way to broach the subject is to say something like "I would love you to move in but I am hesitant because, in the past, people have expected me to pay for ... (read in full...)

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