A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex-girlfriend and I dated inconsistently for over three years. We also lived together for most of that time period. Throughout that time period, we had some rocky times, but also some amazing ones. However, the major problems were her twin sister, mother, and close friend’s resentment towards me, due to the fact that I left her for another woman at about a year into our relationship. We got back together after five months; but nobody other than her really gave me a fair shot. Also, my ex suffered from numerous mental health issues, which she didn’t always get treated properly for, and also had serious problems with hyper -sexuality, and sought hook-ups on Craigslist quite often. In our final two months together; things were quite complicated. I’d like to get some opinions on how things unfolded.TimelineEarly May: I am on her laptop and notice that her Facebook account is open. Due to a gut feeling, I checked out her messages and also canvassed her computer files. To my “surprise”, I found out that she had a yearlong sexual affair with someone she met off of Casual Encounters, and also sent out sensual pictures that I took of her, to many men’s sex ads on Craigslist. She also discussed with two of her closest friends that she “just can’t help herself when I guy brushes up on her” and that “she’s obligated and feels the urge to have sex with anyone that comes in close contact”. She also tells her friends how she’s struggling with mental health issues. Later that Night: She comes into our living room from the bedroom, where she was studying. She notices that I seem pissed. At first I say nothing, but then, I just couldn’t hold it in. I ask her who Mr. Smith is, and she first seemed shocked, but then proceeded to tell me about the infatuation with him. She said she did it because she thought that I was cheating on her. She denies and talks down everything else I found; and seemed to have an excuse or manipulated lie for all of my other suspicions, even though I had hard evidence. A couple Days Later: She tells her close friends that I was going through her stuff and she was pissed about this. Of course, her friends told her to have the affair, and she did nothing wrong, right? She then says we’re breaking up and taking an extended break until I get my shit together. I was shocked, since just days ago I was about to leave her, but she begged and pleaded for me not to, despite me finding out about the affairs. We decide to take a break, re-build our relationship, and casually date others (her request) to ease the stresses of our situation. She said she wants things to work with me; and has no intention of getting involved with anyone else.Early June: She starts talking about all of these date requests that she’s been getting. She decides to go out with someone from one of her Graduate School classes, for coffee. Afterwards, she says he was nice. Two days later (Sunday June 17th): She goes out for a 4 hour bike ride and breakfast in the park with him. She said it would only be a hour long breakfast (never said anything about biking) and we had plans for later that morning. I called her numerous times and she never answered. She said her phone wasn’t on her. While she is on the bike ride, I find a work of art in her notebook on the bed – a heart with an arrow through it, with a huge smiling face. Many pen lines, indicating a lot of time and work - such as maybe when she was on the phone with him? She also said that she was made that he didn’t kiss her! I asked why if it’s only casual.Next Day (Monday June 18th): We spend the day together. Go out, have fun, have wild and passionate sex while drunk. She slops and said she’s falling in love. Next day I ask her about that and she said what am I talking about?! Tuesday Afternoon: She goes over to his apartment to study and for lunch. I said it was OK and even told her how to dress, to help her with her goal of getting laid by him. I’m still thinking it’s just casual, and trust her, because we have a very sexually open relationship, but strong bond. She came back a hour late, upset because he compared her to his sister. She said nothing happened and was bummed out again. He kept texting her all afternoon.Tuesday Night, June 19th: We have a huge fight about renewing our lease. A week earlier, she said we’d upgrade our place and live together for the final year of her medical program. Now, she said she doesn’t want to upset her sister or parents (who didn’t even know we’ve been living together for years). I got made and said I couldn’t deal with her being constantly controlled by her twin sister. I said I was done and left for the night. She called me 20+ times crying and begging me to come back.Wednesday June 20th: In the morning, she asked me what’s going on with us. I said that I don’t know because I was still upset. Later in the day, she told me he’s coming over to study at our place, and asked me to leave for the evening. She said it was just friends and nothing to worry about. I said fine, and went to a friend’s place.Wednesday Night June 20th: I thought that we were still going to get other later that night, so I called. She always has her phone next to hear. No answer. So I go over to our place and ring the intercom system. She doesn’t answer like usual from inside the apartment, but decides to come down to meet me instead. HUGE RED FLAG. I said why did you come down, if it’s just casual? Who cares if he knows about me? Then I said choose one and now. She got made and said we’re not even dating so I shouldn’t be angry. I then said how she told me she wants to marry me, etc. She said yes, that’s true. I left angry and realized that I’m getting played. After I left, she called me numerous times yelling at me, then saying how she’s finished with me!Thursday Morning June 21st: She calls me earlier yelling at me about the previous night. She said that was messed up how I came over and said she’s 90% sure she’s finished with me. She called off plans of hanging out later in the day. While I am working, I got her flowers delivered later in the afternoon. She called me when home from class and said thanks. I asked if she’d like to go out later. She said yes, but she needed a nap. Thursday Evening June 21st: I called her several hours later and she answered. I asked if we were still going out, and she said no. She said that she just made plans with him and some friends to study and then go out for drinks. I called her later in the night and she answered. I asked what’s going on. She said everything is fine and nothing to worry about – it’s just casual with him and he’s a friend. We made plans to meet up in the morning before she left town for the weekend for a wedding with her sister and some friends. Friday Morning June 22nd: I called her early in the morning and no answer. I was unable to sleep that night at all. I went to a diner all evening and thought about everything, worried and upset. I had a gift for her, too. After no answer, I went to our apartment, and nobody was there. My gut sank. I called her again, and she finally answered, half asleep. I asked her what she was doing and if she was with him. She said yes. I asked if she slept with him. She said that I shouldn’t assume such things. I asked if she is falling for him and whether I am still in the picture. She said I don’t know, but likely we’ll be OK. She agrees to meet with me later in the morning after my dentist appointment. We meet for a quick coffee before she gets on the interstate. I gave her my gift and she liked it, but was also upset because she hates gifts from anyone. It was something we can do together. She hugged me, kissed me, and said we love each other in the middle of the coffee shop. I then asked her if we still have a future and if she wants to still marry someday. She said are you going to get your shit together? I said yes, but it already is (which was true – my life is well intact. An excuse, on her end?Saturday: I contacted her a few times but she seemed very distant. I knew this wasn’t good.Sunday: While driving back, she calls me to tell me that she wants to see where things go with this other guy, and even other people, first. She said that we’re done. She said her mood has change since Friday, after seeing how happy her friends were with their S/O’s at the wedding.Sunday Night: We were supposed to be together at a family cookout. She blows me off and said she’s going out with him and friends to study and hang out. I called her late at night (midnight) and she said that everything will be ok – again. She said she’s confused and hurt. (later found out she was in bed with him at that very moment). I slept somewhere else that night.Monday Morning: She calls me at 8 AM to tell me some bad news. She said she had sex with him and is falling for him. She said that things might still work with us years down the road, but she wants to see what the future holds with him, first. I was shocked and couldn’t believe her lies and manipulation of the situation. We then have a very emotional and nasty break-up. Haven’t spoken since. Your Thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Thank you everyone for your outstanding and extremely insightful responses. You've been great; I'm incredibly appreciative of the support that I've received on here. It's tremendous, and amazing how complete strangers are so willing to share their experiences, and offer advice. I'd like to update everyone, especially the most recent woman, who has responded. It's been about two months now, and I am doing a lot better. I have moved past this situation and realized it for what it was. The dust has settled, and looking back, I see clearly who I was involved with, the mistakes that we made, and the red flags that were immensely visible, but I chose to ignore.
At the very least, this was a valuable learning experience in my life. I want nothing to do with this woman every again. She has some troubling issues, and I wish her the best, with her quest in overcoming them. I've been getting out there, and started to casually date other women and it feels great! I only realize how toxic my situation was, and it's a gratifying feeling to be back out in the game, meeting great people, and being happy again - and myself!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): I know this was over a week ago but I would like to chime in because I can relate and want to help. So thanks.
Ok. First off, stop obsessing. That's #1. Go wash your car or go pick out a new video game, go see Grandma, whatever.
I know how you feel and what you think all that accomplishes. But I'm here to tell you, it's all pointless when it’s all over. Every incident, every event, all the proof, all of it, wasted energy. And when it comes to you two, it should so be over with. I mean, do you really want to live your life with a woman like this? So sex obsessed she's unfaithful, manipulative, selfish, a liar? I could go on but won't.
But I totally understand how you feel. My ex was a dog and a good bullsh*tter and I had to get my bearings on what was really going on and even on what had already happened. All sorts of little things that were hard to keep track of so my solution: I chronicled every step he made, every number he called you know, just in case. And pretty soon, that was all I did. I'm pretty ashamed of it now. It's weird to let someone else take up all of your head space and no one should get to that point, ideally.
But I truly get the reasoning behind feeling that way. I did it because I just didn't know the truth. And mainly because I was hella being lied to. But I felt played, I felt like a sucker, I questioned my perception, I was confused. He would say one thing but everything else pointed the other direction. He was steadfast and just kept denying the obvious. I thought I was crazy. (I was, but only because I believed him for so long)
So if you're like I am, then you posted this wanting to know if it all adds up. Yes Dude, all signs point to exactly what it looks like. Everything she has said was a lie, she has left you for another man, she is lying when she says maybe in the future and you always knew when she was full of shit. Most importantly, you’re not crazy; she’s just good at fooling you. Also, she didn’t get away with anything else. You’re too observant. You know now you should have gone the opposite direction her lying mouth was trying to lead you. But you believed her and now it’s time to face the music.
Don't ever let her back! Even if she decides this dude isn't worth it. Don't give her any gifts. You're only insulting yourself if you do again. Let her go, throw it all away and try to forget about her. Every moment wasted on her, your relationship with her and everything to do with her is only going to cause you embarrassment once you’ve snapped out of it.
You sound like a really sweet guy, maybe a little too sweet, so why not go out and find a NICE girl, not online, and send her flowers and give her gifts instead. Try hanging out with your most responsible sibling, cousin or friend, they might have some wholesome SINGLE females in their circlesto meet. Just a thought. But good luck and try to find the resolve to finally be rid of that chick and the wrong that comes along with her. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 August 2012):
Does it matter if she cheated on you a lot or a little? Possibly...maybe she was. But this recent one she actually admitted to you. Which can cause all her past shady behaviour to come into scrutiny. I don't blame you there but at any rate it still doesn't change much. Thinking about stuff like that will just make you angrier. I think it is angry enough a reason to waste 3years on someone who didn't want to work out their problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): Thank you everyone for your outstanding responses! I found your insight to be soothing and insightful. I think that many of you are right; with me taking a blind eye to the past situations and her behavior. The writing was on the wall a long time ago. To put things into perspective, we actually met on Craigslist Casual Encounters, by chance, one weekend. I had an ad up looking for some NSA fun, and she responded. To my surprise, we hit it off amazingly well and talked until the sun came up. I was living in another city at the time; but would make frequent trips back to see her. Then, one thing led to another. We fell for each other and never expected it based on how we met. Talking that into consideration, do you think that makes a difference in this situation? She later told me (about three years after we met and six months before we broke up) that she was Manic when she replied to my ad.
Also, do you think that she was likely cheating much more than I even suspect her? She has genius level intelligence and is Bipolar-Manic; which can be an incredibly manipulative and deceitful combination. Basically, she has the knowledge and ability to lie herself out of any situation.
- The OP.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (1 August 2012):
You have spent a lot of time adjusting to this girl. I fear that after three years you have turned a blind eye to what ever your heart, mind and gut would tell you. I'm sure this girl is special to you and there is no other like her. But look at the person you have become. Looking back on the past, and analysing her actions won't bring any more clarity to the situation. All of these events basically sum up to the fact that she has been cheating on you from the start. A lot of people have serious issues but shouldn't be confused with cheating. The fact that she got defensive and angry everytime you questioned her...well..it's pretty much a clear cut sign. You need to write off this girl and cut it all off. Unless this is what you are actually going for but nothing in this relationship screams love, from EITHER YOU OR HER.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 August 2012):
 My thoughts are very simple actually, why are you still hanging on to this woman? The first time that you got to know about the cheating, you should have packed your bags and left. Why are you still sticking around? Why are you paying such tremendous attention to every day, date and hour concerning her? Do you maintain a diary about her actions or something? Who cares what she did or who she slept with?! She is cheating on you and has made it clear through her actions that she will not change. I would have imagined that your 'timeline' would have explained just as much to you! If you stick around even after all this drama then dont complain because the answer is plain and simple. You need this girl out of your life.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (1 August 2012):
You deserve better. Someone who will make you number one!
Good riddance. Don't contact her again. And she will come crawling back when it doesn't work out with this other guy. But you should not sit around and wait. Find someone who thinks you are worthy of the first choice.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Why does any of these stories even matter? She showed you who she was the first time, it's up to you to believe her. If someone is signing up for "Casual Encounters" when she is supposed to be a girlfriend to you, I'd think that would be enough of a red flag to leave.
No offense or disrespect to you, but if you were shocked at the end of the long story, you are very naive when it comes to people and relationships. When hint after hint after hint is for you to leave the relationship, you need to pay attention and heed the warning.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): Hi there
It's an easy one. You clearly love her and have penned a long question clearly recalling events as they unfolded.
However, in my opinion this is one to walk away from. This relationship is better off ended as there are too many people invovled in it to work in the long term. She appears to want her cake and to eat it too. She wants you there, but whe wants to see other men too.
I am not sure if you are seeing other women also, as you write of having an open relationship? If so, this would potentially give her permission to see other men, certainly it could make her want to see other men if you are seeing other women. I know that some open relationships work, but in your instance it doesn't appear to have.
Perhaps, this is something to consider in the future with other relationships. As for this relationship, let it go, as I feel there has now been too much stuff that has happened for either of you to move forward in trust.
I feel it will be easier on you to move on and try to learn from this.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Hi,
I just have one question....why are you still around this girl?
It really appears to me that you either like the drama and the intrigues of it or you are just a sucker for punishment.
Walk away my friend...this relationship is taking up too much of your time and making it less than enjoyable. Find someone who is free, able to have a healthy relationship and will not stress you out like this girl is.
End of Story
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