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Do you think I've made the right decision to not attend this wedding, where my Bf will be the Best man?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Health, Marriage problems, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2015) 12 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2015)
A female Australia age 26-29, anonymous writes:

this may seem like a minor situation but it's stressing me out and im a grad student so extra stress is bad.

A few months ago I had a falling out with my ex flatmates who are a couple. My boyfriend took their side which upset me. I posted on hereabout it but most of the comments were that I was being unreasonable so I got over it and moved on.

Now my boyfriend is going to be the best man at their wedding.

Not only that but his ex girlfriend is going to be there. She is very smart and pretty from what I've heard and he thinks she's betterlooking than me (he has said so).

I gave decided not to go if they invite me because it wouldn't be fair to them to have someone there they don't really want there and I won't get to spend much time with my boyfriend since he's in the wedding party and I only know a couple of other people.

Plus I don't want to be in a situation where he can directly compare me to his ex.

Do you think I've made the right decision?

The whole thing is stressing me out and I'm not comfortable with either scenario ( going or not going). How can be more comfortable with this?

View related questions: ex girlfriend, flatmate, his ex, my ex, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

You're not even invited yet, so stop causing more stress. Your own bf has said his ex was prettier?!! Why is he your bf, what a dickish thing to say.

IF an invitation arrives for you, then if you've really moved on then you would go and be happy for them. If not, then you know the friendship has ended and you try to move on, as currently it seems you haven't.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think if you are invited BY name (not +1) it would be a GREAT way to show that you CAN take the high road and act mature.

Doesn't mean they are now your best buddies, but I think them inviting you is THEM trying to show that they harbor no hard feelings.

As for the ex being there? She is JUST another girl. If your BF wanted to BE with her, don't you think he would be? And if he WANTED to compare you, all he had to do was close his eyes a minute...

If you don't want to go because weddings are not your thing, then fine - just don't make up absurd excuses as to why you don't want to.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntAnd just to add another question to you. Do you trust your boyfriend?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntOkay, then, decide what sort of message you want to send to everyone at the wedding.

You didn't get over it and move on. It's still bothering you and now the ex is a compounding factor.

"I don't want to be in a situation where he can directly compare me to his ex"

He can compare you every day in his mind and his memory. He said she was more attractive.

So why are you with him, exactly?

You do sound like you consider yourself a second class citizen of his world. You won't get to spend a lot of time with your boyfriend, well, that happens when there is a wedding party. Is there something stopping you from just being a regular wedding guest like everyone else and making polite conversation with strangers?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

Hi this is the op

No tisha that's not mine.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntIs this your previous post?

If that one is yours, then there you reported that you suffer from anxiety and depression, that you moved there to be with your boyfriend and that you cried all the time.

Obviously, you moved as you report them as being ex-flatmates.

You wrote "most of the comments were that I was being unreasonable" on this question but as I re-read the comments there, they suggested you have a sit down with all parties involved. Not to 'get over it and move on.'

How are things with your boyfriend? Can you discuss these decisions with him?

There clearly is more history here and a fair amount of trauma that you feel you experienced, if you are taking a decision to not be your boyfriend's date at his friends' and your ex-flatmates' wedding.

Presumably the ex-girlfriend is still friends with ex-flatmates, as she was invited. I fear for your sake that you not showing up if invited is going to make your boyfriend look bad. He'll be asked why you're not there and it's going to put him in a rough spot.

You clearly feel like a second class citizen in his world and I'm wondering if you've sought some help from your school's counseling service?

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 March 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIf they invite you it means they want you there. It can also be a chance for you to act with grace and give the couple your blessing. It means you moved on from the flatmate situation and you are supportive of your boyfriend being the best man.

I don't know any boyfriend who would just blurt out his ex is prettier than you out of nowhere. So maybe you asked him about his opinion and he gave you an honest answer. A lot of guys would have told you a white lie and he's not one of them.

Being the prettier one is just a fact. In a beauty contest the winner is usually prettier than runner ups but that doesn't mean the others are not pretty. No one says you have to be the best looking in the history of his dating. It doesn't mean he is still loves her and think of you as a consolation prize unless he has shown you in behavior that he is not attentive and is contacting the ex a lot.

I don't think if you went to the wedding he would be thinking about you and your ex's looks. He is there to observe manners and do a good job as a supporting role in the wedding. You just try to look your best, get make up tips and find dresses that flatter your figure. You can enjoy it. Talk to people next to you at the dinner table and get to know them. I bet many of the guests are strangers amongst each other.

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (30 March 2015):

SensitiveBloke agony auntIf you're invited, I think you should go. It will be embarrass your boyfriend if you're not there.

I don't know what the situation was, but if most if the people on this forum think you were being unreasonable then you probably were and you should move on from it.

As for your boyfriend saying his ex is better-looking than you, your boyfriend is an idiot! No-one should say that to their girlfriend!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 March 2015):

chigirl agony auntThis is childish of you. Go to the wedding and stop making up drama. If you feel so uncomfortable being with your bf (feel he compares you with other women) then the solution is not to stop hanging out with him whenever another woman is around. If its really that bad, then you need to end the relationship. Because just avoiding meeting anyone pretty when with him is ridiculous, even you can see that.

So either be a big girl, stop making excuses and attend the wedding (if invited), or end the relationship.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

If your boyfriend goes, you have to come too. They would not have made him part of their wedding-party; and insult him by excluding his girlfriend. SO GET REAL!!!

You don't ask your Best Man not to bring his girlfriend. You expect her to come as his date. You're the one holding a grudge.

Could he have taken their side in your disagreement with his flatmates; because you were wrong? Maybe because you handled it all badly?

As for his ex-girlfriend. Does the prefix "EX" mean anything to you? Guys don't go from pretty girlfriends to ugly girlfriends. They are usually consistent in their taste in women. It's a wedding, not a beauty contest.

Not to attend would be a direct insult to the couple; and I think in the back of your mind you know that. If you refuse to go, just how should your boyfriend deal with you after that? I know what I would advise him to do, and you wouldn't like what I would suggest. Time to grow-up.

You also make lame excuses for your immature behavior. Keep it up and your boyfriend is going get fed-up with your constant issues about everyone he knows.

You should go, be gracious, and have a good time. There will probably be a lot of pretty women there, so look your best; and be one of them.

My dear, I know I came across harsh. I had to, because you have to learn when to pick your battles, and how to behave with dignity and maturity. Sometimes you walk with pride and hide your scars. Let nobody know they can get you down.

Got it?

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (30 March 2015):

malvern agony auntI think you have made the right decision. If you're going to get upset then it's not worth going. When I was your age I avoided my exboyfriend like the plague because I got upset every time I saw him. I know how you feel. Okay so you miss out on a wedding, but I'm sure there will be plenty of other things to go to in the future.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIF you are invited, then they want you there. IF your boyfriend wants you to go, then you go...

I have had many partners over time and trust me you don't compare and contrast one to another... it's a silly thing... and ex is an ex for a reason...if they were that good then the person would still be with them.

why can't you go, and use this time to dance, have some nice food and drink and meet some new interesting people???

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