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*alvern

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I know I should divorce him but I have no energy to do it!

Q.   Hi, i feel very extremely frustrated with my marriage at the moment. We had 30 years together, many of them filled with tragic events and heartbreaking moments. I did have many years of counselling and friends help. But less and less understati...

A.   22 May 2018: In your mind you are jumping straight to divorce but have you considered the other options? Have you considered living apart? Are you in a position to able to move out, or can he move out? Can you come to an agreement to live separate lives under ... (read in full...)

After I told him I’d give him space if he needed it, I haven’t heard from him! What next?

Q.   Hi, I’m in a LDR online. We do know each other in person but a few months ago reconnected. Things have been going well but recently he has been going through much stress with his business and children. Things (for him) seem to be getting worse ...

A.   22 May 2018: I'm sorry I completely misread your letter so my previous answer was totally useless - I thought you'd never met him before, I do apologise. If this man has not responded to you then I would leave him well alone. If he really wanted to contact ... (read in full...)

I've only had sex once, have a long distance g/f I'll never meet and I want experience

Q.   I am 27. I have never had a phyiscal girlfriend. I had sex once at 24. I have no friends to speak of. All I have is a long distance "girlfriend" i met a few years ago. She lives in another country, and that along with money means that we will nev...

A.   22 May 2018: Further to the reply you put on the page yesterday - I agree with the others that life isn't going to just 'happen' for you. All of us have to go out and make the effort. If you want to meet girls you won't meet them in a male dominated ... (read in full...)

After I told him I’d give him space if he needed it, I haven’t heard from him! What next?

Q.   Hi, I’m in a LDR online. We do know each other in person but a few months ago reconnected. Things have been going well but recently he has been going through much stress with his business and children. Things (for him) seem to be getting worse ...

A.   21 May 2018: What you should do is to stop wasting your time. If you have never met this man you can't possibly know whether he's telling you the truth about anything he ever says. I've been through all this myself online. If you haven't met them after two or ... (read in full...)

I've only had sex once, have a long distance g/f I'll never meet and I want experience

Q.   I am 27. I have never had a phyiscal girlfriend. I had sex once at 24. I have no friends to speak of. All I have is a long distance "girlfriend" i met a few years ago. She lives in another country, and that along with money means that we will nev...

A.   21 May 2018: You need to join some sort of club / organisation where you will meet people of your own age. Don't pin all your hopes on a girl who's far away. If you are not the sporty type are you perhaps musical and can join some sort of orchestra or similar? ... (read in full...)

We are both too shy to say hi to each other?

Q.   There's this guy that I like and I know he likes me back because he always walks past me and a bunch of other signs over afew weeks, explaining these will defeat the purpose of the question. The main question is we are both too shy to talk to each ...

A.   26 April 2018: Smile ! A smile opens up a thousand doors ! When you walk past him force yourself to look at him - he will feel you looking at him (you can always sense when somebody is looking at you) then give him a smile. It's a start and it will give him ... (read in full...)

Why did my ex give his friend my number?

Q.   Dear Agony Aunts, i broke up in July last year (2017) with my boyfriend (I’ll call him M) i loved very much because i felt he had fallen out of love with me and two weeks later, he got a new girlfriend (I know because i came back to him so we could ...

A.   26 April 2018: I found your letter a bit confusing to read with all these capital letters instead of names - however - the fact that your ex boyfriend gave your phone number away to his friend is another way of saying " She's not mine anymore, here you can have ... (read in full...)

I want out of this relationship with a married man but he is making it difficult.

Q.   In September I moved to a new area for work, shortly after I started my job i had a coworker that started flirting with me. He is really cute and sweet only problem is he is married. He like me moved to the area for work, his family is actually four ...

A.   26 April 2018: You are doing the right thing by asking to be transferred to a different project within your department. Do not encourage this man in any way. Do not weaken to his charms. Never be tempted to contact his poor innocent wife because there is no ... (read in full...)

I’m having mother-in-law and financial problems, am I doing the right things to deal with them?

Q.   Hi everyone.. i need some opinion on what happened right now. I need advice and opinon as much as possible as people has various personal opinion which i need right now. Currently 3 months pregnant and this pregnancy brings changes a lot fo...

A.   23 March 2018: Your mother-in-law seems like a very ignorant and unhappy woman. She's the one with the problem and not you. For your own sanity you need to keep reminding yourself of this because you are doing nothing wrong. All you can really do is continue to ... (read in full...)

She wants me to prove to her that I want this relationship and help her not feel so alone!

Q.   Been in a relationship for 8 years have a 10 year old step son who's dad was never really in the picture and we have a 3 year old boy together. When my youngest was born 3 years ago that's when everything changed. She said that I started to not care ...

A.   23 March 2018: Your partner seems very insecure. Perhaps she feels that your attention has turned to your 3yr old (not surprisingly) and maybe she's feeling a bit 'left out in the cold' ? I think you may have to make an effort to make a bit of time for each ... (read in full...)

How do you ease into dating for the first time?

Q.   I'm curious as to how people ease themselves into dating for the first time. Especially if you're very hesitant about it. I'm 23 (almost 24), and have never dated or been approached for a date and believe me, I know that's my own fault. I tend to...

A.   26 February 2018: You need to get out and about with your female friends, thats how most people start dating. You also need to smarten up your appearance. You can be casual and comfortable and smart all at the same time. Put on a bit of make-up, it doesn't have to ... (read in full...)

We struggle to communicate!

Q.   I have a question. I have trouble communicating with my boyfriend. We have problems and we are discussing them trying to work things out and find a solution. I tell him what the problem is ... simple example is I say he needs to work on his sle...

A.   26 February 2018: He sounds just like somebody I once knew, very bright and intelligent but just couldn't communicate. It's just the way they are and very frustrating for us. I have often wondered if it's some form of autism. I don't think there's much you can do ... (read in full...)

My trust is in shreds and I don’t know how to move forward in this relationship!

Q.   I don't know what to do about my life and my relationship and I need some help and advice. So I have been with my partner for almost 5 years now. The first two years we're challenging for us, I found messages, images etc. on his phone ( I know I...

A.   26 February 2018: Your boyfriend is not making you happy and now you don't trust him. It's not an ideal life. You need to leave him because you can't live your life like this. You are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you so don't commit yourself ... (read in full...)

Was I too keen?

Q.   I went out with someone and I wasn't sure if it was a date or just friends. Partly this is because his whole manner is very formal and polite - although now and again he surprises me by doing things like swearing or he breaks through the politeness ...

A.   26 February 2018: I'm not quite sure why you're making such a big issue of all this. He is clearly interested in you otherwise he wouldn't contact you or arrange to meet you. There are a lot of men who don't like to rush into things and he's one of them. He's ... (read in full...)

How can I change my attitude?

Q.   Hello Aunts I want to ask on how I can change my outlook and co dependency in life. I am very insecure - although on the outside I am put together - degreed - attractive- thin- middle class pay - my insecurities eat me up. I haven’t analyzed...

A.   26 February 2018: You lack confidence in yourself and this is partially due to having being criticised by your family who compared you to others. I understand exactly how this feels. Take a good look at all the people that you know - are they really all that ... (read in full...)

I think I might have scared her away!

Q.   Hello everyone, Recently I got out of a long term relationship. It's been about 2 months and now recently got hired to a new job 16 hours away from home. So, with the break up going down, I figured I would give myself time to heal and a lot of peo...

A.   26 February 2018: If she hasn't responded to your invitation to catch up then I wouldn't pursue it any further. However, there's no harm in keeping in occasional contact because who knows what the future holds. Please don't ever think that somebody is 'out of your ... (read in full...)

I have a new date but my ex has contacted me.

Q.   Im not sure what to do , last year i started seeing someone who had mental health problems i was very flexi with him and would fit in with him to make life easier for him. id only been seeing him once a week for 2 month he would go silent on me to ...

A.   26 February 2018: Don't encourage your ex. You hardly know him and he's messed you around and you really don't want that in your life do you ? Don't reply to the email and if he keeps contacting you then put him into your junk folder or block him. Move on and ... (read in full...)

Do any girls here go to bars alone?

Q.   I have been on my own for a long time now. It has been bothering me for a while but it has only become a problem recently. I don't have particularly great coping skills and the feelings of loneliness have become overwhelming. I really need to make ...

A.   13 October 2017: You need to join some sort of social organisation and get to know other girls of your own age. From there you will then probably start drifting into a social life with them. I suggest going to some sort of dancing classes. This could be Line ... (read in full...)

My mother in law is an egoist and evil woman!

Q.   I hate my mother in law. She is an egoist and evil woman. She is a cynist and speak badly about me behind my back. She keep posing a sullen face whenever im around. She used to be nice woman several years ago. But since this recent year, she changed ...

A.   13 October 2017: Do you have a job? If not then it would be best if you went out to work everyday firstly to help your husband towards affording a house for you both, and secondly to get out of your mother-in-laws way. Having a baby at this stage in your life ... (read in full...)

My mother in law is an egoist and evil woman!

Q.   I hate my mother in law. She is an egoist and evil woman. She is a cynist and speak badly about me behind my back. She keep posing a sullen face whenever im around. She used to be nice woman several years ago. But since this recent year, she changed ...

A.   13 October 2017: Do you have a job? If not then it would be best if you went out to work everyday firstly to help your husband towards affording a house for you both, and secondly to get out of your mother-in-laws way. Having a baby at this stage in your life ... (read in full...)

Am I being too materialstic and self sabotaging?

Q.   Am I being unrealistic? I am 50 and dating a man for close to three months who claims he is retired, I came to find out he was laid off and doesn't want to go back to work. I find myself paying more often when we go out, it is a huge turn-off. I ...

A.   10 October 2017: I've been in the same situation as you at much the same age. My partner lived life on a shoestring and eventually I got fed up with it all although I absolutely adored him. I would say that you should keep this man at arms length because if his ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend flirts with his employees and it's annoying me!

Q.   I've been exclusive with this guy for the last few weeks, its going OK but I get really jealous when he flirts with his employees (he runs a v popular Indian restaurant and has a lot of really pretty Indian girls working there). He moans at me...

A.   2 October 2017: Drop him like a hot potato ! Once a flirt, always a flirt ! You will never be happy. I had a boyfriend like this when I was young and I used to get very upset. Now, 40 years later, he's still exactly the same ! I'm happy to say that my life moved ... (read in full...)

What's with his constant stares?

Q.   My husbands friend will always glance and stare at me and I know it doesn't always mean attraction or something just because someone stares but I'm just getting some kind of weird vibe.  He always looks straight into my eyes, even when we aren't t...

A.   2 October 2017: He's playing a game with you, testing you to see how you react. The best thing to do is completely ignore him. This has happened to me in the past and these men are complete jerks. The best thing to do is tell your husband its happening because ... (read in full...)

I feel so guilty about leaving my abusive ex

Q.   Hi, I previously asked for advice regarding a relationship I was in for 3 years with a guy I lived with who was controlling and violent. It went on for a number of years and last December I cheated on him with a guy who had been keen on me for a wh...

A.   1 October 2017: You can't go back to the ex, and would he have you back anyway? Nothing would be same as it was before and you would have the added problem of him throwing abuse at you for being unfaithful. Your ex obviously did not make you happy otherwise you ... (read in full...)

I feel excluded by boyfriend's decision to visit alone...

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years--on and off--but consistently now for the past three years. I suspect that he’s a bit emotionally unavailable because of his compartmentalization tendencies and the fact that he’s told me he’s ...

A.   1 October 2017: It seems to me that it's the son-in-law who's got a problem, not your partner. Perhaps now that he has a two year old he wants a Grandma whom he regards as permanent for the child ie, married to the Grandfather, and not one who possibly may not be ... (read in full...)

What are the best ways to make new friends?

Q.   Recently people have been complaining to me that it is difficult to make friends in the city I currently live in and that most people are either superficial or out for themselves. I agree that busy people with busy lives just dont have time for new ...

A.   1 October 2017: A good way to make friends is through dancing. People can enquire at dance schools to find out if they hold group lessons for Salsa, Jive etc . There are usually loads of adverts around for dance classes anyway like Ceroc (also known as French ... (read in full...)

Cheating in a LDR. What advice can you give to me re my Gf who I think may be cheating?

Q.   This is my long distance relationship. We are dating 6 months. I met my girlfriend through my cousin. In our relationship, she is always showing to me that she is nice girl, and a faithful wife in future. She treat me very nice. About my girlf...

A.   9 May 2017: Long distance relationships are very difficult for both the man and the woman. I often wonder if they can really be called relationships at all. There has to be a very strong bond between two people to keep a relationship going when they are miles ... (read in full...)

What should I do? Four years after we broke up my ex still hangs around, tries to get my attention and stares at me whenever he sees me.

Q.   Hi I split from my ex boyfriend 4 years ago, after I had a miscarriage. Neither of us wanted to split up but after the miscarriage he ended it with me i moved on met another man and had a baby girl. Yet my ex still hangs around and stares at me an...

A.   9 May 2017: You may need some professional advice on this because I think this kind of behaviour can be termed as 'stalking'. He should not be behaving like this. It may be that you have nothing to worry about but on the other hand you don't want things to ... (read in full...)

How do I tell my strict, military, religious father that I'm pregnant?

Q.   I am a 20 year old who still lives at home. I just found out I'm pregnant with my boyfriend's child. My friend and I haven't been dating very long but I have known and been friends with him for over 6years. Because of this fact my father hasn't...

A.   9 May 2017: This is a very tricky situation for you but it's better to tell him now rather than later. The sooner he knows, the better. You can only really pluck up all your courage and pick your time with him carefully, like when he's in a good mood. You ... (read in full...)

I like him but he doesn't stimulate me. Should I try again?

Q.   Hi, I am under a lot of pressure by parents to get married, culturally, I'm old, 30. And my parents really care about whay others think. Anyways, I met a guy online. Sweet, untrustworthy guy, which is hard to find in a world full of untrustw...

A.   28 March 2017: Go with your instincts. If you don't feel right about this man then nothing is going to change. There are lots of nice pleasant people in the world but we don't necessarily have to fancy them. He clearly is not the one for you despite what your ... (read in full...)

I have a feeling that I'm not supposed to be happy in life

Q.   hello please help me, I feel so lost and downright now to start with I'm very stressed about college because all my other peers have graduated and I haven't yet for reasons and I keep seeing them posting about how happy they are and how they've ...

A.   27 March 2017: College is just a short time in your life. Before you know it you too will have graduated so don't keep comparing yourself to everybody else who has finished the course. Everybody else in your life is not going to suddenly leave or die. All of us ... (read in full...)

I'm caught in the middle of my mom and my dad's girlfriend and really don't know how to handle things

Q.   Hi Dear cupid helpers. I am in need of some advice on a family situation... So my dad had an affair on my mum 4 - 5 years ago (the last one of a few in the past) I mum turned to drinking, and has been drinking for the last 4 - 5 years and has...

A.   27 March 2017: You need to be on the side of your mother. She's the one who loves you, she's the one who brought you up and she's the one who will always be there for you no matter what. She will feel betrayed everytime you have contact with the woman in your ... (read in full...)

How can I believe there is a good guy out there?

Q.   I feel like I have given up on love- my whole life I'm in my early thirties now but I used to believe that there was a nice guy out there and that if ur a genuine person that will be rewarded. I'm 32 and I have completely lost faith in love - I...

A.   27 March 2017: You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince so don't give up! I know exactly how you feel though having 'been there' myself but you just have to keep going. Immerse yourself into some sort of hobby or club and try to ... (read in full...)

Group holiday planned. How can I enjoy the holiday when he will be present ?

Q.   I'm going on a group holiday next week(which has been arranged for a while) with someone who I really like and have feelings for, but who I have come to realise just enjoys flirting and does not actually have feelings for me at all. The thing is...

A.   27 March 2017: I'm not sure how you come to be going on the same holiday as this guy because it would be best not to go considering how you feel. You will just have to put yourself into the frame of mind that he is what he is - a flirt and that you have no real ... (read in full...)

How can I stop living in the past and stop worrying?

Q.   Hello everyone, how does someone stop living in the past , it seems like my life is a contact worry, I can't escape my own "prison" I always worry about what other people think of me , constant non stop, whether it's a work, at home , with friends...

A.   27 March 2017: i think a lot of us are guilty of living in the past, What if this? What if that? but none of us can turn back the clock, the past has gone and nobody can change it. Sometimes you have to think 'actually they upset me, they didn't do this or that ... (read in full...)

Do most guy friends behave this way?

Q.   So for a few weeks I've had a crush on this guy that I see periodically at a social dance event. I have known him but not well for almost a year, but have recently started getting closer to him. We started getting closer once a previous relationship ...

A.   27 March 2017: Oh yes he likes you ! He's waiting for a response from you, a bit of encouragement. You need to let him know that you are interested and it doesn't need to be verbal. Just squeeze his hand, hug him back when he hugs you or give him some other ... (read in full...)

I stayed through fear, now worried my life is over and his is just beginning again

Q.   Ok I need some help to deal with something that I know is really silly so I need some support here please . I've been with my husband and father of my children for twenty years . Over the course of our marriage he has had a problem with pirn and ...

A.   27 March 2017: How dreadful that you are putting yourself down in this way, you seem to be blaming yourself for everything when he's the one at fault. What a shallow man he is to cast you to one side while he chases off after 'beautiful' women ! Beauty actually ... (read in full...)

Is a friends with benefits relationship sustainable?

Q.   After 12 years of marriage, I lost my wife to an unexpected heart attack 9 months ago. It has been hard and I'm not sure what I want to do. I recently ran into a lady I worked with at one time while shopping and she offered her condolences. I'v...

A.   8 March 2017: It's pretty certain this lady will consider herself to be in a relationship with you even though you don't see it as a relationship yourself. It's early days for you but she's been on her own for a while and I'm sure she will be very excited about ... (read in full...)

My 22 year old daughter has sent nude photos to her boyfriend. How do I address this?

Q.   I recently discovered that my 22 year old daughter who is doing her post graduation has clicked and sent her nude pictures to her boyfriend. am concerned that its morally incorrect and also usually such pictures land up circulating. Its very...

A.   7 March 2017: Tell her you know what she's done. Don't lose your temper with her but just point out to her the possible dangers of what she's done. Take the 'Well you've really let me down, I'm very disappointed' approach. When I was young my father used to ... (read in full...)

My husband is a serial cheater. Am I fooling myself to think he will change?

Q.   I have been married to my husband for 23 years. We were young when we got married - 20 and 21. Early on in our marriage he cheated on me twice. I was not very confident back then and terrified of being alone, so I forgave and stayed. And I guess ...

A.   7 March 2017: As the saying goes, 'A Leopard never changes its spots'. It's unlikely your husband will change unfortunately. It's how much longer you are prepared to put up with this. I think there are many women in the same situation who choose to turn a ... (read in full...)

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