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Why does my long term Gf still keep registering on dating sites? It's affecting our relationship

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Online dating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2015) 12 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've caught my long term girlfriend many times registered and active on different dating sites.

I am not able to get to the root of it, because I always end up defending myself over extremely minor mistakes I made years ago (like being 10 minutes late once through no fault of my own). Sometimes says I am making a big deal out of nothing as she doesn't go out meeting any of them.

I am now ready to leave and as normal it is followed by threats of, if I go, then she is free to meet whoever she wants.

Will this go on forever, because it is starting to feel like it will. We are both in our mid thirties and been together almost six years.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt"stupid dating site"

OP the woman can't even OWN her bad behavior.

Do you need help in figuring out how to walk away from this woman without drama and stalking? (because I bet if you do walk away and end it she will NOT go quietly)

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

Abella agony auntHer actions are signally a lack of respect for you.

When one adores one's partner there is never even a thought of wanting to cheat nor even imply an intention to cheat. As per dating sites.

Instead one's emotional, physical/sexual and intellectual and social needs are well satisfied by the time we spend with our partner. Sure we may chat to co-workers, spend time with friends. But the most consuming satisfying relationship is the one with our partner.

There is NO need to seek stimulation via a dating site.

Don't threaten to leave.

Just quietly leave.

No drama.

Walk out and mean it. You have suffered enough.

Go on a solo holiday. See some new sights.

Learn a new skill - enroll in a class.

Join a service club (mixed)

Join a gym (mixed)

Be on the look out for a girl/s who you'd like to date.

A loyal loving partner does not go on dating sights

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (31 March 2015):

malvern agony auntI have just read your reply - there are loud alarm bells ringing here! You cannot go forward and marry this girl while the situation is like this. I would take a break from each other and see how you both feel in a couple of months time. Your girlfriend may not like it but it's better to find out how you feel about things now instead of making a massive mistake. Marriage is a big commitment and you need to be sure of things before you enter into it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhy are you still with her? If marriage is out of the question for you (understandably) and NOT being on dating sites is out of the question for her....

It makes no sense in staying together.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

Yes it will go on forever, and it will go on whether she is with or without you. It`s up to you what to do about it. I know what I would do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

I am the person who asked for advice and thank you all.

I do think I should mention that we are engaged and once we set a date, but it never happened due to finding her on a dating site yet again. She is so clumsy sometimes I wonder if she cares if I find out or not. She has never forgiven me for calling off the wedding all because of a stupid dating site, as she calls it.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntP.S. Just to confirm for you, it is not normal to sign up over and over again on dating sites when you are in a long-term exclusive relationship. It is not okay.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntShe's doing it because its a test of your love for her. A childish, ridiculous and possibly disordered means to make you show her, over and over again, that you love her so much you will unconditionally forgive her for her trespasses.

Because you've tolerated it for many years, she now knows how to get you to pay attention to her.

Of course, if you go, she is free to meet someone new. She'll just run that person through the same nonsense, possibly trying to drag you back into it.

There's no point in you trying to get to the root of it, if she's not interested in getting to the root of it herself.

I vote walk and let her sort out her mental health issues with someone new, with any luck, a professional therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.

Otherwise, you will keep replaying the same scene over and over again with no new outcome. How much love will be left in another 6 years?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Could it be that after six years she realizes there isn't much she can look forward to? Like an engagement ring?

You may like having a long-term girlfriend; but I think you need to have a talk about what she wants. Time is running out for considering a family for her, and she isn't going to let her best years get away from her; while you enjoy all the benefits of marriage, but keep avoiding any further commitment.

I know you're going to say she agreed to it, and this is what you may have thought she wanted. She says she's not interested in marriage...so on and so-forth.

Well, surprise...surprise...surprise!!! You're approaching your expiration-date. I think she wants more. She's been waiting to see when you'd want it too.

She sees no marriage in the future, you're too content with the way things are. If you leave, her options are open to find what she wants. If you stay, she'll continue to check-out other prospects. It's win-win for her.

Don't make idle-threats. If you say you're going to leave. Leave!!!

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI think this phrase is key: "....it is followed by threats of, if I go, then she is free to meet whoever she wants."

NEVER make a threat of some action (or, inaction) unless you are prepared to carry out the "...if I, then you..." part.

Frankly, this girl sounds like she's spent 6 years playing you... and she KNOWS that you are fearful of making that threat... since she ALSO KNOWS that you don't mean it (the threat).

Your choice: continue to be her foot-wipe mat; or, decide you've had enough and get away from her...

Good luck..

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (30 March 2015):

malvern agony auntI somehow think you seem to be in a bit of a dead relationship here. Why on earth does she need to keep going on dating websites? She can't be very happy and I get the feeling that if 'the right man' came along she'd be off like a shot. I think you are at an age where you need to move on before life passes both of you by, you can't live like this forever. At your age you should be either planning a family, or planning to marry, otherwise what's the point in carrying on together in this unsatisfactory way.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntyes it will go on forever. IF she has not stopped and she knows it bugs you she's not going to stop.

If you have threatened to leave and have not left even after she did what you said you would leave about, then you have lost your power and she does not think you will leave.

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