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Guys: How would you react if a girl told you she was a virgin?

Tagged as: Dating, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 April 2013) 13 Answers - (Newest, 13 April 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

To cut to the chase: I'm a virgin at 25. And I feel ancient being one at this age. I'm not a christian, so I didn't save my self out of religious beliefs. I did hold on to that romantic notion that the first time should be with someone I love, but unfortunately I haven't met that person yet. This also has to do with my home situation, as I've basically been running the entire household since I was 13. My mom is chronically ill (the kind that kills slowly over time) and my dad works long days to keep us afloat. Most of my time is divided between school and home duties.

I barely go out and I can't keep up with hobbies for long, as I have very little time. I usually work out in our old run down bar early in the morning, to at least keep in shape. Sports are too expensive and too far away. I'm finishing up my studies this year and I have a chance at getting a good job. From then I hope to get more independent and send some money over to home to help afford nurses to care for my mom. I also hope to have some more free time to devote to friends and finally, a boyfriend.

Basically, my question is this: if I come across a guy I like (and who likes me back), how and when should I reveal my virginity? I don't want to scare guys off and up until now everyone I've told about me being a virgin either pities me, react shocked or give me this look of fascination as if I'm some kind of freak of nature.

If you're a guy, how would you react if the girl you dated revealed she was a virgin? Honest opinions please, white lies don't help in this case.

View related questions: christian, money

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013):

to be honest i would feel like i was in heaven, knowing a woman saved , and thought that i was worth her giving her all.

many people give sex away cheaply in this day and time. people having sex with lots of casual encounters are giving away the special closeness cheaply. they are leaving scars on their heart, and mind. plus there are plenty of guys that are having trouble with tormenting thoughts of their wives past.

so i say a guy should feel very blessed to be with you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013):

Many guys will be ecstatic! If they are not--they haven't realized what they are likely to realize in the future. So, most will be ecstatic! Look around this website at how many posts are about guys who are in tons of emotional pain over the fact that their wife had another man's penis in her before them. There are several posts of women too in ton's of pain over their husband's past. The beauty of marriage--of two people giving themselves to each other in a way that no one else ever has or ever will share, and publicly declaring so--is real! And so many people come to eventually see the beauty, but for many today they only come to see it too late. And then, suffer over seeing this unbelievable beauty that they know they can never have.

You have an amazing chance at something more beautiful than you probably realize. You'll never regret achieving that beauty!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013):

Seems to me the issue is more about the responsibilities you have.

To more directly answer the question, if I was to have somewhat casual sex I would be pleasantly surprised that you are a virgin. If we were in a more serious relationship, I would wonder if the responsibilities would create a schism down the road.

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A male reader, daletom United States +, writes (2 April 2013):

First let me say that I'm proud of you and admire you for handling your difficult family situation. Your loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, and perseverance are awesome. Your parents have taught you well (probably by their own example) and I hope you raise children who also have these qualities.

Being a 25 year old virgin may not be typical but there is NOTHING abnormal or defective about it! If I looked up the on-going NIH study on sexual behavior in the U.S, I think it would show you are in about a 2% or 3% minority. Yeah - get 100 friends of your age together, and chances are that there is another virgin in the group. (Another finding of those NIH studies is that young people tend to over-report their sexual activity, so even if all 100 of your friends claim to have had sex, somebody may be fibbing to you.)

I didn't really understand the mental and emotional elements of sex until I experienced it. I didn't have dates, much less any girlfriend, through my college years. At my college graduation I watched many friends go up to receive diplomas. As some guys stepped down they were met by a wife or girlfriend (or both? We were children of the 60's, after all!) who administered public displays of affection verging on sexual assault. I thought, "Hey!! I'm probably the ONLY guy here who has never been laid!". Well, it wasn't true then and it wouldn't be true now, either - but it would be another 5 or 10 years before I really knew that.

The very character qualities I mentioned earlier probably carry over to your sexuality. You see sex as something meaningful and significant to be shared between two people. It's not simply a pleasurable activity you do when there isn't anything good on TV, or a casual hobby like bowling or cooking. I agree with that - there are mental and emotional aspects of sex that are at least as significant as the physical.

Even when I was (very!) horny and 22, I knew that I wanted more than simply "getting laid". I wanted a fulfilling and respectful relationship with a girl, hopefully the girl I would spend my life with - or at least many years together. I wanted to ADD sex to that relationship, not expect that sex would create love or relationship.

I also hoped - even though I thought it was unlikely - that I would give my virginity to a virgin girl. The idea of learning together actually sounded fun and romantic, not intimidating. And, we wouldn't have to un-learn the preferences of previous partners. More significant was the idea of giving ourselves to each other in a way that nobody else could.

My wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and she offered hers) on our wedding night. I don't think virginity was explicitly mentioned by either of us until we had dated for a month or more. We had a few conversations about sex and its role in marriage and relationships. By the time we were engaged I knew that she had STRONG feelings about being a virgin when her wedding day started - but she expected to have PLENTY of sex after that. (Yes, she enjoys sex A LOT and we have enjoyed a LOT of sex since then.) I was actually thrilled to learn that she had thought things through and was still a virgin at 22.

First-time sex between two virgins on their wedding night wasn't very good sex in the physiological sense, but it was both physically and emotionally intense, significant and meaningful. I know that others have different responses to their first sexual experience. If their reaction was "So that's all there is to it?", or "I waited 20 years for THIS!??!", I won't dispute their reports - they know what they experienced, and I know what I felt.

I won't say that you should wait for marriage before having sex. At 22 I wasn't completely sold on that idea, even though I wanted to save sex for the girl who would be my life partner. In retrospect I can't point to a significant, long-term, disadvantage from waiting, and I could name several advantages. If you go through the posts on this Forum you will find quite a few cases of "retroactive jealousy" - people who, even though they are in a mutually faithful and exclusive relationship, still have problems based on their partner's sexual past. You will find some folks who have no regrets about becoming sexually active in their mid-teen years, but you will find many more who regret that their first sex was either too young, or with the wrong person - and I don't recall anybody who regrets waiting too long to lose their virginity.

I can almost guarantee that when you find the right guy, your virginity will not scare him off!

(Serious follow-up question: From the inverse perspective, how would you feel if you learned that the 25 year old guy you are attracted to is also a virgin?)

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A female reader, R1 United Kingdom +, writes (2 April 2013):

R1 agony auntYou wouldn't have to tell him if you thought it would be an issue. Most men couldn't tell the difference.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013):

reveal your virginal status when you feel things are likely to soon become intimate, which shouldn't be for a few months after meeting IMO if you want it to be meaningful :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013):

How times changed! Only 30 years ago, we were hiding the fact tha we were not virgins, and now we are ashamed of it?

My husband didn't even comment anything on me being a virgin. We never discussed it with him previously to having sex. We did it within 3 weeks of us meeting each other. He just tought I was very uncomfortable the first time but didn't relate it to me being a virgin. There was no blood, so he was sure I was not.

You wright ,being a virgin nowadays at 25 is rare, but who said its bad? It's a little more work for a guy, but what do you care? Let him work. Unless he is looking for some experience sex bomb in bed, any serious guy will be happy to be with a virgin.

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (2 April 2013):

Myau agony auntKind of awkward at first to be honest. But he will get past that pretty quick and just enjoy the relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013):

i would think "thank god for that - how pleasant to meet a young woman who hasn't slept her way through half they dicks in town!"

Some men are turned on by virgins others are just nervous of "letting you down " by not giving you an amazing first go.

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A male reader, Illithid United States +, writes (2 April 2013):

Illithid agony auntI'm male and a bit of an introvert, always had some friends but never partied. I lost my virginity at 27 to a women who was divorced twice. She didn't mind and is pretty happy, actually, to be my first. I know another aunt on this site who lost her virginity at about the same time, late 20's, and her guy enjoyed helping her to explore that part of herself.

Some guys just want the highly enthusiastic, practiced, "good lay" but those guys suck anyway. If he likes you, he'll have fun helping you learn. It might not be a first date discussion, "Hi I'm [anon] and I'm a virgin, how are you?" But don't lie if he asks. You're a little later than average, but so what?

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (2 April 2013):

White lies won't help, but either will the truth. How is it relevant how I would react? I'm never going to be "the one". If you must know it'd be nice in some ways, but I would probably feel more pressure to make sure we were right for each other before sleeping with you.

What you need to do is stop over thinking things. The guy will react however he does. Most likely it won't be an issue, but if it is you can rest assured that he wasn't the right guy for you. But if you think too much you'll be anxious about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013):

You have a gift and should hold on to it as long as you want. If you walk around with a sign above your head or offering it as public notice, you'll get a bunch of guys who just want to be the first to get into your pants, or displaying juvenile behavior. It's private. No one needs to know but you and the person you want to give it to.

Take time to like and trust a guy before you tell him. Get to know him and slowly work towards intimacy. You can't rush and tell just any guy. You'll wind up with some jerk, or some cherry-picking goof off. Or, you can date a few guys and take the time to build something meaningful and inform him that you're a virgin when that moment arrives, and you feel right about it.

You're inexperienced; so you're not sure how you should react to some of these stupid comments. Let them roll off your back like water off a duck's back. It's yours to give when you're good and ready. You aren't a freak, weird, or any of the negative things you've had thrown at you.

Don't worry about what YOU THINK most girls are doing. Most wish they took their time and found the right guy. Some just hopped into bed at the first opportunity, and carry bad memories that give them bad attitudes toward men and sex. It's always the guy's fault, because they didn't wait until they were really ready to lose it. Some unwittingly told every guy they met, until someone decided it was up for grabs.

Guys can usually instinctively tell when a girl is a virgin. Most virgins aren't as quick to have sex as those that are more experienced, and usually have higher expectations. Why shouldn't you? It's your body after all.

You can deliver yourself and become a woman whenever you wish, or you can have it taken from you by someone who just wanted to feed on your innocence. You saved it by choice, which makes you a pretty strong woman.

You didn't bow to peer pressure, you have positive goals, and took on responsibilities at an early age. You're one heck of a female!!!

It doesn't have to be special; but it should be when you are ready to handle it physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Choose a guy with patience, respect for your feelings, and all will go well. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013):

Depends in the guy per-se; his very personality and what he wants.

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