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*aletom

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Does anybody ever read these things? Send mail if you do!

What should I confess here? I am a quiet and shy introvert. You can piece together a bio by reading through my early posts. I'm a baby-boomer past the half-century mark, a gray-haired grandfather, so I guess "superannuated" is the most succinct term. My wife & I have been married (to each other!) for over 35 years, but she doesn't like to be called "my first wife". We have two adult children, plus one at university, and one who only lived about a day due to birth complications. We now live in St Louis, Missouri (roughly the center of North America) but grew up in Michigan and have lived in half a dozen different states.

I know how things look on BOTH sides of the hill. I have been 15 years old; I don't know many 15 year olds who have been 55. I have been with my own kids as they grew to be adults, and have been around many other parents (and kids) going through the same thing. (If I tend to sound like your parents, there's a reason. Most of us parents belong to the same union, so we have this "solidarity and brotherhood" thing among ourselves. Most teenagers view that as an Evil Conspiracy against the younger generation.)

I think that Forums such as this are generally helpful, since many factors pertaining to a question can be expressed in a short time. If I said something useful, or if I was way off base, I'd like to hear about it.

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Online guy--we're going to meet should I take a parent the first time?

Q.   so three years ago i met a guy online, he lives in another country . So we were friends for about a year then it kind've became an online relationship when he told me he liked me and i liked him back. We talk on video call etc and ive spoken to his ...

A.   30 August 2012: Any news? Did things go well? ... (read in full...)

What are some of your ideas/experiences with having sex outdoors?

Q.   Me and my boyfriend are in a extremely happy relationship. We have been together for 5 years and I am planning to spend the rest of my life with him (cheesy I know!) We have had sex before however we want to know places outside were we could do it. ...

A.   10 July 2012: The sensuousness of outdoor sex - the different sights, sounds, sensations on naked body parts that are seldom exposed - is a significant enhancement to the experience. Have never deliberately put on a show, but the knowledge that you might be seen ... (read in full...)

Is this how it is? Do most man losing their sex drive and sexual function over 45?

Q.   Do most man losing their sex drive and sexual function over 45? And only a few stay horny and able to have sex in their later years? This is my third boyfriend over 40 at the last 10 years, and I started to be afraid of the thought, that I need ...

A.   2 July 2012: For me, it wasn't anything like a problem until my mid 50's. My wife and I are now both 61, and still enjoy making love - including sex. The erections are sometimes difficult to achieve, and my orgasms (but not hers) take a little more effort, but ... (read in full...)

She said she has had 5 boyfriends, how do I tell her she is my first?

Q.   Ok here it goes. I've been writing and talking to this girl for a couple months now, and were starting to get along really well. We're both the same age, 28 and have a lot in common. It started off as just getting to know each other as friends, and ...

A.   2 July 2012: Having girlfriends, and having sex, are two different (though often related) things. At this point - especially since she raised the topic - you should probably let her know that you haven't had a serious girlfriend before. Assuming that you're a ... (read in full...)

My ex told me my boobs are small and I can't get over it. Is bigger really better?

Q.   My ex, the only guy I've ever been sexual with, told me my breasts are too small and I still can't get over it. I know he's not the only man on earth, but I've heard my other male friends talk about breasts and it's always a case of "the bigger the ...

A.   24 June 2012: I'm one of the guys who would rather have shapeliness over sheer size. Our culture certainly glorifies boobage, and I can understand that this bothers you, but I don't really know how you can overcome it. My wife of (almost) 38 years has always b... (read in full...)

Should I just get my virginity out of the way?

Q.   This is really personal, but I think I need a little advice in this area. I'm still a virgin, which is shocking to some people. I'm 20 which isn't that bad but in my generation isn't very common or even looked at as a good thing, its almost ...

A.   24 June 2012: Both my wife and I were 23 when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and she responded by giving hers) on our wedding night. That was almost 38 years ago. (And don't give much attention to the differences between the "current generati... (read in full...)

Does first time sex hurt?

Q.   Having sex for the first time does it hurt ? Is it suppose to hurt ? I just wanna know what to expect when I have sex for the first time ...

A.   17 June 2012: This is a common question. One recent thread (with lots of advice) is "Is there a way to break my hymen without pain?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-there-a-way-to-break-my-hymen.html... (read in full...)

Online guy--we're going to meet should I take a parent the first time?

Q.   so three years ago i met a guy online, he lives in another country . So we were friends for about a year then it kind've became an online relationship when he told me he liked me and i liked him back. We talk on video call etc and ive spoken to his ...

A.   15 June 2012: What experience have you had with dating? I'm one of those gray-haired parent people myself. When my kids (both sons and daughter) were High School age my wife and I insisted on knowing who they were going to be with, where they were going, a... (read in full...)

Is my self esteem low because I am pregnant?

Q.   dear cupid, im married for about a year now with the most loving and caring husband.. Now im pregnant. Recently, my husband and i just moved in our new house. I am sometimes bored in our house. So i thought to open my husbands old laptop.. There i ...

A.   15 June 2012: First of all - many, perhaps most, guys think that pregnant women are especially attractive and sexy. If you think that "pregnant" is the same as "fat", you haven't looked very closely! It IS possible that your husband has the opposite opinion, ... (read in full...)

How do you cope moving far away from family to go to University?

Q.   How do you cope moving far away from family to go to University? First off, I'm not the 'traditional' student. I'm 23, have a great relationship with my mom, not really into the whole being alone, living it up partying phase, I feel like I've ...

A.   10 June 2012: I'm pleased that you realize your need for more independence, and responsibility for routine activities of daily life. If your mom is willing to interact with you as another adult and teach you some of these things, that would be great! (And don't ... (read in full...)

Should I tell my father that I lost my virginity?

Q.   im 16 and i recently lost my v card to my bf (17) of 3 months. the thing is that i live with my dad and step mom and me and my dad have always been so close n i tell him everything! i feel so guilty for not telln him! and i know its stupid its just ...

A.   10 June 2012: If you are going to be sexually active at your age, then it's a good idea for SOME responsible adult to know that. That person doesn't need to know every detail - just that you have made the choice to have sex. Hopefully, they will have enough ... (read in full...)

Should I just get my virginity out of the way?

Q.   This is really personal, but I think I need a little advice in this area. I'm still a virgin, which is shocking to some people. I'm 20 which isn't that bad but in my generation isn't very common or even looked at as a good thing, its almost ...

A.   8 June 2012: If you look through older threads you can find a lot of good comments on this question. For example, "Still a Virgin at 28 years old and I want to get rid of it." at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/still-a-virgin-at-28-years-old-and.html .... (read in full...)

How often do you have sex with your partner?

Q.   how often do you have sex with your partner? looking for answers from people who are in: 1) Long distance relationships (hardly see eachother) 2) close proximity (see eachother most days or w/e's) 3 and live in relationships (living tog...

A.   7 June 2012: Wife & I have been married (to each other!) almost 38 years. We started as wedding-night virgins, and for at least the first year (maybe two) the average was probably a dozen times a week or more. The main, "relational", lovemaking was usually in ... (read in full...)

Were you scared when you had your children? Any regrets?

Q.   In my early 30s, steady relationship, good job (hopefully it's gonna last...) and I'm starting to think about a baby with my husband. On the one hand I really loved the idea and it's all very exciting... on the other hand I am scared as hell. i ...

A.   4 June 2012: Having children, like getting married, is an act of faith and a gift, for good or bad, to the future. My wife and I raised 3 kids, and lost one to birth complications. We were 30 when we started our family, and nearly 40 when we had our "surpris... (read in full...)

Have I missed the boat on dating and getting married?

Q.   I'm 29 years old and I've never been in the dating or hookup scene. I didn't date in high school or college. I had two long distance relationships, the last one ended when I was 23. I have since been celibate. I have had many female friends, family ...

A.   4 June 2012: No, you haven't "missed your window". My son is 32, and will be married in about a month to a similar-aged girl he met just 2 years ago. But you may have a little "catching up" to do. Look back through my recent posts to find the advice I've giv... (read in full...)

Still a Virgin at 28 years old and I want to get rid of it.

Q.   I'm an attractive educated female and I'm about to turn 29 years old and I haven't had sex yet. Don't get me wrong, I've done everything but get penetrated. I was waiting till marriage but I have no prospects and I don't want this to be a problem ...

A.   4 June 2012: So after a week of emails you KNOW that he's ". . . all those things I've ever wanted in a man . . ."? I don't believe that! (And I think I know something about that kind of relationship. The relationship with my wife started by exchangi... (read in full...)

I need help with Job Interviews!

Q.   hey aunties I need help please, the thing is in job interviews I can so nervous I start giggling, and not actually talking too much and showing my potential,when compared to other candidates I look stupid/silly and do not get the job, I really need ...

A.   31 May 2012: The general advice for job interviews is "Practice, practice, and practice!". Getting ANY adult to do a mock interview with you will be helpful, but the more similarities between the "pretend" interviewer (age, experience, work position, etc) and ... (read in full...)

Do guys my age automatically expect sex?

Q.   Hey there! So, I'm 18 and I'm getting ready to head off to college soon. Like most kids (I guess some would consider me a "young adult"?) my age, I've been pondering the possibilities of what the future might bring. This includes relationships and ...

A.   31 May 2012: You have some good responses here. Be sure to read the reply from "chigirl" - more than once. "maverick494" also submitted a well thought-out post. I might be closest to matching your description of ". . . anyone who has ever been in a situatio... (read in full...)

In a very roundabout way - was this an orgasm?

Q.   I'm 18 and my current bf is 19. We've been together 1 month (have known each other longer) and are about to move onto having sex together for the first time. (Skip this next part to actually get to the question, I'm sorry, I'm rambling!) Anyway...

A.   31 May 2012: They generally say, "If you have to ask . . . it probably wasn't.". But in your case it sounds like it WAS, or at least VERY close. And I don't know why you would even consider that there's any problem. As you continue to develop your adu... (read in full...)

Guys, do you like it when your significant other makes noises in bed?

Q.   I guess this is a question mostly for men, but female input would be appreciated too, especially what your partners think. Basically - guys, do you like it when your significant other makes noises in bed? I'm not talking porn star scale, but when...

A.   29 May 2012: The little gasps, whimpers, moans and "squeeks" that she makes are some of the biggest turn-ons I know.... (read in full...)

Still a Virgin at 28 years old and I want to get rid of it.

Q.   I'm an attractive educated female and I'm about to turn 29 years old and I haven't had sex yet. Don't get me wrong, I've done everything but get penetrated. I was waiting till marriage but I have no prospects and I don't want this to be a problem ...

A.   29 May 2012: You are much different from the teens (both guys and girls) who post something like, "I'm 16 and want to have sex so I can be like all of my friends . . . ". Re-read what you wrote. Admittedly, you want to have the physical experience of sex - an... (read in full...)

Girl on top. How is it done without being totally awkward?

Q.   Ok, so I recently had my first time, but it hurt a lot, so I did some research and got some advice to try me on top next time. Only problem is, it seems like a really awkward position... But I'm sure you Aunts can help explain this to me so i...

A.   27 May 2012: p.s. - The wikipedia entry for "Woman on top (sex position)" at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woman_on_top_%28sex_position%29 has an illustration labeled "couple engaged in the cowgirl position" that shows how we manage the initial insertion, before ... (read in full...)

Girl on top. How is it done without being totally awkward?

Q.   Ok, so I recently had my first time, but it hurt a lot, so I did some research and got some advice to try me on top next time. Only problem is, it seems like a really awkward position... But I'm sure you Aunts can help explain this to me so i...

A.   27 May 2012: If you seed a search engine with sexual positions illustrations "woman on top" you will get a jillion hits, some of which have good information but you need to sift through a LOT of cutesy names and sites trying to sell you "adult products" before ... (read in full...)

Will I find someone who doesn't believe in sex before marriage?

Q.   Hi, I am a Christian and I believe in no sex before marriage, however I don't know that I will ever find someone who feels the same and is also a virgin, are there any people like that out there??...

A.   27 May 2012: Well, as others have mentioned, you are more likely to find partners who share your views if you concentrate your search within the Christian community, or other groups that openly encourage premarital abstinence. (You may want to give some tho... (read in full...)

Is it possible to get it right the first time?

Q.   I am seventeen and a few months into my first real relationship. Everything about it seems more perfect than even the most sticky-sweet fairy tale could possibly imagine but it terrifies me to think of it being really serious because it seems ...

A.   27 May 2012: I'll cast my vote with the "possible, but not common" group. You CAN ". . . get it right the first time . . .". Not necessarily because you are lucky, but because you two are intent on being the the right kind of people who can make that happen. ... (read in full...)

I need career advice. Don't know which direction to take my life.

Q.   Hey guys, I know this isn't much of a relationship question but I've been using dearcupid for about three years now and I know that it's well known for it's respected and helpful aunts. I've decided that I want to head back into school for a deg...

A.   25 May 2012: You may be surprised at this suggestion, but since "writing" is in your laundry list . . . Jack Ganssle, a respected consultant and widely read columnist in the area of "Embedded Systems Engineering" (largely using microcontrollers), has mentione... (read in full...)

Is it a turn off/negative thing for a male to be a virgin?

Q.   Hello. Is there a limit on how long you should be a virgin? I'm a male, turning later this year. I've never had intercourse before! What worries me is if that will put off a potential partner down the road? I'm not sure if that's a negative ...

A.   25 May 2012: Since I'm a male guy person of the masculine sex, I can't really speak for women in general. My wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and received hers in return) on our wedding night. I know it would have been very ... (read in full...)

I want to show him I love him -- should I lose my virginity to him?

Q.   So me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months.. i feel like i really love him . but i sometimes think about my ex. that hurt really bad but then again we had alot connection. but! i really want to show my bf how much i love him i dont know ...

A.   25 May 2012: There are MANY more people - both guys and gals - who regret having sex too young, or giving their virginity to the wrong person, or just not saving it for the RIGHT person, than there are people who regret waiting. Having sex with him will NOT... (read in full...)

I like this guy but we are both shy!

Q.   I like this guy, but he's really quiet and doesnt talk to anyone. I've heard that he hung out with this girl but shes not very pretty (or skinny, just saying) I also heard he asked my friend out on a date but shes not very pretty either. ...

A.   25 May 2012: I'm probably one of those "quiet and shy" boys. In the last couple months of High School, a girl let it be known through some girlfriends of hers, who happened to be in my classes, that she was interested in me. They made arrangements and invi... (read in full...)

My mom found out I'm sexually active

Q.   My mom found out that I have sex with my bf My bf n I are twenty years old. She is so mad I don't understand why if I'm using protection n I'm not pregnant ...

A.   24 May 2012: There is a little more to responsible sex than simply "using protection". And like "chigirl" said - If you're living in your parents' house, you really need to observe your parents' rules.... (read in full...)

Is there a way to break my hymen without pain?

Q.   Hi in 17 and me and my boyfriend want to try having sex. I have read about all the diseases and things and no the risks and we will be careful, what I'm really worried about is my hymen. My older sister had sex and said it hurt really bad. I'm ...

A.   22 May 2012: You can eliminate the pain of first-time sex, or at least reduce it to something like "mild discomfort". I'll share what I've learned about this - from reading and personal experience. But to be honest, it sounds like you aren't ready for an adult ... (read in full...)

Am I naive in thinking that on a first date nothing more than kissing should happen?

Q.   am i naive in thinking that on a first date nothing more than kissing should happen? My friends and I were discussing this today and when I said i would never sleep with someone on the first date, they all said they wouldn't rule it out... But ...

A.   21 May 2012: I'm in agreement with the original poster. If sexual activity - even kissing - is some kind of expectation, on the first OR second date, then you are dating the wrong people. I can't say that I have a lot of dating experience. With my High Sch... (read in full...)

Can we have sex on our wedding night when he's going to be in a cast?

Q.   I am 24 and a virgin. It's not like I didn't choose this because I wanted to give my all to my gorgeous fiance. Anyway we get married in May and I was fine with the idea of how we will spend the night and what we will get up to in the bedroom. ...

A.   21 May 2012: Has it already happened? If so, how did it go? Whether it has already happened or not - Congratulations, and please be aware that I admire you for for at least waiting for each other, and especially waiting for marriage to have sex. My wife and... (read in full...)

He said I look like a school teacher... A good or bad thing?

Q.   What does it mean when a guy said:'You look like u are a school teacher"? Does it mean he means that i look boring or not very exciting?...

A.   1 November 2010: You didn't give us enough information to really answer your question. Like "chigirl" tried to tell you - it may have been a casual remark from an unfamiliar person who's just trying to start a conversation. If so, it's quite unlikely that he'... (read in full...)

I want to feel all "MMM" from sex!

Q.   Hi everyone! I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend and I both had sex for the first time a week and a half ago. The first time hurt just a bit. We've done it four times so far and yeah soon enough I will no longer be keeping count. Of the th...

A.   29 October 2010: Getting and giving the most pleasure from sex is something you learn. This is especially true for women, but guys also learn to both give and receive pleasure. (We just don't like to admit that we're not natural-born, fantastic lovers.) If yo... (read in full...)

Questions about pregnancy before I see my doctor next week.....

Q.   I am 5 weeks pregnant and I just have some questions on about how much weight I can pick up. I'm a pretty strong female (I think) and I don't want to overdue myself and hurt my baby but I don't want to come off as one of those annoying pregnant ...

A.   29 October 2010: This really isn't the place to ask medical questions - you're doing the right thing to see your doctor! At your stage of pregnancy, most women can do pretty much everything they did before they were pregnant. Your doctor will evaluate your ris... (read in full...)

Can you have an orgasm just by doing this?

Q.   My bf and I were fooling around in my basement the other night and I was on top of him and we were basically rubbing against each other, by thrusting our 'parts'. I was wondering if it was possible to get an orgasm that way or do you need to be ...

A.   29 October 2010: Yes, it's possible for either the man or the woman to achieve orgasm like this, even if you both stay fully clothed. Whether it actually happens depends on your own state of arousal and lust, as well as your partner's general skill at the ... (read in full...)

Women and songs?

Q.   Do women like it when you write them songs? I play guitar and record my own music, but don't sing. ...

A.   25 October 2010: I don't know, but it seems like a great question. I hope you get some serious responses! (My wife (for 36 years and still going) and I wrote to each other for 3 months before we met in person. The letters, on real paper, or sometimes a friendsh... (read in full...)

Are awkward first kisses normal?

Q.   ok. so last night i got my first kiss. he walked me to the door went on and on about how he liked me and how i was such a nice girl. he hugged me then he kissed me. but i wasnt expecting the kiss so he only got half of my mouth. it was so awkward ...

A.   25 October 2010: Yeah, first kisses are usually awkward. I'll guess this was your FIRST, first kiss. Do you think it was also his very first? And was this a first date? Put all of those factors together, and it's not exactly three times the awkwardness - it's m... (read in full...)

I want a first kiss without being controlling!

Q.   How can I make a move to have a first kiss with my boyfriend without coming off as the controller in our relationship? We haven't kissed yet, and I know he wants to, but he's scared to try. Any advice?...

A.   21 October 2010: Is this the FIRST, first kiss, for both of you? It's best if it happens naturally, when BOTH of you are ready. Before it actually happens, you'll probably be sending little signals to each other that you ARE ready - perhaps for a few hours, o... (read in full...)

Shy guys! How do you respond best to girls?

Q.   Shy guys. Please give me the lowdown. For example: How do you respond best to girls? Or how you like to flirt? If you hadn't had a girlfriend before, how would you like a girl to approach you? Is virginity reall such a big deal? Please give me some ...

A.   21 October 2010: Well, THIS shy guy has loved two girls in my lifetime. The one that started when I had just turned 18 lasted about 6 months before she broke up; the relationship that happened when I was 22 is still going after 37 years. Shy guys have often be... (read in full...)

My boyfriend finds it hard to cum when his laying on his back, any suggestions?

Q.   My boyfriend finds it hard to cum when his laying on his back. He gets the feeling but nothing happens, and he can just go on and on.. Can you suggest anything??...

A.   21 October 2010: I think the majority of people, both men and women, find it's more difficult to reach climax when they are on their backs, underneath a partner. For decades - maybe centuries, or even millenia - women have complained about sexual sessions that ... (read in full...)

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