A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 21, I went to school with this guy, that we will call GUY. So..we have texted and talked via facebook/text for a while, off and on, but for these last few weeks we have talked heavily. All day everyday.We can't hang out at this moment because he is on the boats, while i am going through a training academy for my job. But we talk so deeply and are making these plans on really being together..What I want to know is, is it possible to fall in love, or just know someone is "the one" after a short period of time? of just clicking very well?Both of us each have a child, though not with each other. We skipped college and went right into being independent, and working for our living. Im pretty sure i am mature enough to settle down and get serious, can a 22 year old man be too??
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have recently spent time with this man, after high school as well. We've been to parties together, mutual best friends houses, etc. He is not wanting to get married lol. Just get real serious
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (29 January 2013):
{Insert standard disclaimer here, about how it varies from one person to another, everybody is different, etc, etc, etc}
There's obviously more to this question. What are your expectations for "being in love" or finding "the one"? Being in love is just as much something you decide, as it is something that simply happens to you. There is a very long list of compatibility traits that interact in complicated ways, to make it more likely you'll love one person rather than another. Many of us only begin to recognize these traits and their interplay after many years or even decades of life experience. And, some are more willing and able to adapt or modify these traits than others.
Similarly, the person who is "the one" is likely to be somebody who you choose to make "the one" - and you also choose to be "the one" for that person.
For the record: I was well along toward being in love with my wife before I even laid eyes on her. We wrote to each other, real letters on real paper, increasingly serious, for three months before we even met. That was at the suggestion of a (much older) mutual friend who knew each of us well and recognized some of the compatibility traits. By the time we met, had a first date, and a first kiss, I knew that I definitely wanted to love her and be "the one" for each other. By a month after that I had to admit that I loved her, and about three months after meeting I asked her to marry me. But we were still learning to love each other when we married, just a year plus two weeks after our first meeting. And the love we have now - coming up on 40 years after first writing to each other - is not the same as the love we had then.
On the other hand, our son didn't make that decision and connection through most of his 20's. He took more than three years to become truly in love with his (now) wife, and not marrying until he was in his early 30's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): I dont think its always too young it depends on the kind of person that he is and what stage of his life he is at. And it probably makes the likelyhood of him settling down more likely as he has allready got a child also makes it more likely that he would want to settle down. So you need ti talk to him and see what he wants and if you then believe that he wants what you want then you should go for i.Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 January 2013):
My dad has a friend who's in his 60's and has been with his wife since they were 15 years old. So age isn't always a big deal.
In general I don't think it's the best idea to settle down when you are so young. I was 29 when I got married and I felt it was perfect because I was able to be free when I was young and not tied down. I also feel that waiting prevented me from jumping into marriage with the wrong people.
A BIG red flag I see here is that he's wanting to get married after a brief virtual (meaning not real) relationship. That is a classic mistake and, to me, it shows that he really would be jumping into things without using his head.
I would highly recommend waiting until you guys have been together for two years (and by together I don't mean online). This will allow the real person to come out in both of you. The person you've been talking to online isn't a real person yet. You haven't had to deal with real life, just what he chose to show you.
This is based on my own experience: in my life I've dated three girls that talked about marriage. If I had agreed to it at the time I would have been screwed (or divorced at least) because they hadn't yet revealed their true nature, which was definitely not compatible with me.
To summarize, you need to take things sloooooow. The reason there are so many divorces in this country is because people don't take marriage seriously, before it and during it. Respect the fact that it's a HUGE decision that shouldn't be rushed.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 January 2013):
 of course he can.
My dad married my mom when he was 21. they would still be married had she not died 17 years ago.
my first husband and I married when I was 21 and he was 23...
as our life expectancy increases, the need to settle down and do the family thing early on, seems to be fading... but for many years... girls and boys married at 16-20 and lived lives together forever...
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Of course you can fall in love and really click with someone, regardless of what age you are. And you can get serious with each other, you can make plans and want a future together. However I very much doubt that any male or female, under the age of 25, can really 100% commit to marriage and growing old together because you are just too young, too immature and still havent finished sorting your lives out.
In your case, you havent actually spent any time with this guy in real life, at the moment all you have is a virtual relationship online and over the phone. Ok so you did know each other at school, but you havent actually spent any time together recently face to face. I understand that you are falling for him, but you have to be realistic here - all you are doing is talking, therefore you are falling for a voice, not a person.
You dont know how attracted to each other you are going to be in person (yes you can see photos on Facebook but people look different in real life!), you dont know if you are going to have that 'spark' when you are together in person, you dont know if you are going to have that intimacy or passion that couples need to be sucessful.
All you are doing at the moment is getting to know each other, finding out more about each other and enjoying the process. This is all fine, but dont get too ahead of yourself. Until you start hanging out and going on dates you cant say whether this is going anywhere. You both have kids as well which makes it all more complicated, you will need to meet each other's children (but only after you have been in a real life relationship for at least 6 months, you cant bring people in and out of your child's life on an adhoc basis), the kids will eventually need to meet each other, you will probably both have to meet each other's ex's (mother and father of the 2 kids)....there i so much that still needs to happen and go smoothly before you can tell if this is going to last forever.
So slow down a bit, stop worrying about the future and just enjoy getting to know him. All this is at the moment is chatting and getting to know him, this is not a relationship and it isnt even dating. You are thinking WAY too far ahead at the moment.
There is of course the possibility to get serious one day, but there is a lot you need to get through before you start thinking long term.
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