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When is it time to tell him I don't want sex before marriage?

Tagged as: Dating, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 June 2013) 8 Answers - (Newest, 4 June 2013)
A female Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone,

I have been dating this guy for a month and a half now..we really like each other but may be things with us just happened too soon cuz there was soo much chemistry and sparks!

There is one thing about me that I need him to know

'I don't believe in sex before marriage' should I tell my boyfriend that?or should I wait?I think he should know that I would want to stay virgin till I'm married,its not any tradition or religion that's holding me down,this is what I want..

So should I tell him?

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A male reader, daletom United States +, writes (4 June 2013):

Yes, this is an appropriate point where you both need to know where each other stand on this matter. It's NOT a first-date discussion topic so there is no need to feel any shame or embarrassment for not having the discussion sooner. If he comes out and accuses you of "leading him on all this time" or something similar then calmly (as calmly as possible) disengage from the argument, make an honest attempt at reconciliation, and if it's not forthcoming then (as cruel as it sounds) you need to consider scaling back or even breaking off your relationship.

Make it a rational discussion - in the open, in broad daylight, not in his dorm room or the back of a car at 1:00 AM. Have at least a basic idea of where the whole spectrum of sexual activity - from holding hands all the way to full intercourse - fits into the various stages of a relationship. Give some thought to how you might accommodate each others mental, emotional, and physical needs between now and marriage.

Keep in mind that just about every guy, if he is honest, lives in mortal fear that he will get stuck with a wife who thinks sex should be done in the dark, as quickly and quietly as possible, and only once (per child). Even a guy who sincerely agrees to honor your desire to wait will want the assurance that, at some point, there WILL be sex, and plenty of it, with a partner who enjoys it as much as he does. That gets into the questions of whether marriage is something you see yourself doing at some indefinite future point, or whether you are giving honest consideration to the idea that you and your boyfriend will be married to each other within a year or two.

(For the record: My wife and I were both 23 when we experienced the physical and emotional intensity of a double-virgin wedding night. We had gone from total strangers to husband-and-wife in about a year and a half, and are still married (to each other!) almost 39 years later. During our engagement we eventually worked up to "everything but intercourse" - which some would say made us significantly less than real "virgins", but I tend to disagree. And, in the end, I think that not having full sex eventually made us better at having sex. Since then we have enjoyed sex A LOT, and have enjoyed A LOT of sex.)

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (4 June 2013):

eyeswideopen agony auntAbsolutely tell him. I personally wouldn't marry someone I had never had sex with (it can tell you a lot about a person) but if that's your choice, he needs to know. But if he feels along the lines that I do, be prepared to lose him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013):

I completely disagree that a man is only after sex if he is unwilling to wait for marriage. If he is not ready to marry for several years and he believes sex to be an important part of a relationship (which it is), then he should not be judged for ending things. It means they and their beliefs are not compatible, not that he was using her for sex.

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States +, writes (4 June 2013):

dougbcoll agony aunt yes you should tell him, and let him know were you stand. by doing that also you will know shortly after if he is really into you, or if he all of a sudden decides to dump you. if a guy dumps you after you tell them you want to wait tell marriage you know they were out for one thing only.

by letting him know you want to wait tell marriage ,your letting him know you have values, and looking toward the future. he should look at you with more value also.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (4 June 2013):

Caring Aunty A agony auntAfter a month and a half of dating at your age it’s quite natural that there’d be sparks flying around… I guess it’d be pretty hard to extinguish these sparks if you keep rubbing together with all that chemistry? :)

Another way of doing this would be to ask him what he thinks about sex before marriage and gauge his response to agreeing to have sex as to holding off until marriage. Share your thoughts with him and see if he’s a keeper or just in it for the usual short distance.

At least when you get your answer you‘ll know one or two things; he isn’t genuinely interested in getting to know you or he’ll try to appease you and after another month he’ll sure be edgy for sex. Of course if you continue to feed this spark, I wouldn’t blame him for trying!?

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (4 June 2013):

Atsweet1 agony auntOf course you tell. Then he propose you get engaged then married and live happily ever after. To easy no a days no lady wants to keep or start sleeping around until you find the right one. You just let him know he probaly wants to marry you anyway. So that issue would be solved love making can begin married forever.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013):

You absolutely need to tell this guy as soon as possible. In fact this should have been brought up earlier than a month and a half in to the relationship. After that length of time there is a high chance he thinks the two of you will have sex soon so you need to tell him before he makes a move and things get awkward.

I don't want to upset you OP, but you may also have to prepare yourself for the fact that this might be a deal breaker for him. It is possible to meet men who share your values of course (most usually for religious reasons), but many men these days view sex as a huge part of a relationship between a boyfriend/girlfriend and they may not be willing to sacrifice that for a few years while they work out if your relationship is going to last. I do really hope it works out for you though. All the best.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (3 June 2013):

I'd tell him asap. For me it'd be a deal breaker. It's better that he find out sooner than later, that way if it's a deal breaker for him too you can both move on.

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